Hmm, well, I have seen my fair share of ups and downs recently. Break has been nothing I expected; there has been so much more joy and so much more hurt than I ever expected. In some ways I wanted this to be a place where I am who I am; no pretenses that I hid behind, just the honest truth. Guess this'll be the litmus test.
I know many people who say they walk in the light; they are friends, acquaintances, family, and strangers. They follow the path God's set before them for their lives as best they can. I've always counted myself among them. I have this uncanny knack for seeing God everywhere. I see Him in the little day-to-day aspects of life and in the life changing moments of the past few years. I've done my best, or that's what I've always said. My motto is, "Give everything your best, and, pass or fail, you will stand on the other side with the confidence you did all you could." That's been my take on school and life in general. Work as hard as you can and in the end whether or not you succeeded isn't as important as whether or not you gave your all. I came face-to-face with my own way of thinking last night and it still sends a tingle of fear down my spine as I think about it.
Yesterday was pretty normal. Work on my book, read, and clean around the house, nothing unusual for a normal break day. I spent the evening with the same person I've been hanging out with for most of break and we watched a movie and ate dinner, nothing unusual for a normal break day. Yet, as soon as I arrived at her house I felt something was off. Then, driving home we stumbled into a conversation that ended poorly. We weren't mad, nothing was "wrong", but I could finally put my finger on what was happening. I was being blocked out. I felt alone. Later that evening, she said something that widened that gap considerably and I was left alone.
I was sitting on the couch when it happened. I was pondering how hard Loving someone is, how difficult being selfless can be when the same isn't being reciprocated to you, when the feeling started. I had an internal feel similar I can only compare to the view you see in a movie when the main character is looking down a tunnel that starts to stretch until it's impossibly long. I felt like I was being left behind as something was stretching far away form me. I wasn't being left behind, I wasn't being abandoned, but I was being left alone. I was perplexed for a moment, something didn't feel right. I asked God what was happening and I got no answer. Well, not one I understood at the time.
That's when the attack came. Fear slammed into my stomach. Doubt, frustration, even hatred harassed me and played with my thoughts as my own mistakes, failings, and unworthiness were marched past my eyes. I cried out in desperation to God and saw Him at the end of the that stretched out tunnel. He was still with me, but for some reason I couldn't feel Him. I wrapped my arms around myself as I sat on the couch, any warmth in me sucked out. I sat there struggling for some time, trying desperately to fight the darkness around me with what weapons I had at my disposal, my will. It wasn't long before it was all but overrun, only a small vestige remained, clinging to my lifeline, Jesus Christ.
I restlessly prepared for bed, going about my normal routine in a very abnormal way, oppressed everywhere I turned. I finally collapsed on my bed, crying out to God. Asking for help and his strength to fight the almost palpable darkness around me. No reply came and as I knelt next to me bed, lying my face on my clenched hands. With watery eyes, I could only stare at the afghan my aunt had knitted for me which covered my bed and look the darkness in the face. I don't remember how long I prayed, but eventually I picked myself up and slid under the covers.
The cold returned and I lay there beset by fears. Self doubt and self ridicule had filled the part of me where hope usually stayed, and, as I lay there, I struggled to regain hope. A though crossed my mind, something along the lines of, "If I am being oppressed, perhaps it's because I'm threatening Satan in some way." This thought was ruthlessly thrown aside by self doubt and self ridicule and trampled into the dust, any hope it could have brought crushed along with it. This happened time and time again. Finally, I curled up in a ball and offered one last, desperate plea for God's help and closed my eyes.
Today has been hard. When I awoke, I could feel God was there again, but the memories of the night before felt seared in my memory. I could still feel the utter loneliness if I thought about it, shivers accompanied the thought every time I brought it to memory. I went about my morning and tried not to think, losing myself in a book. Looking back, I can still the enemy playing his more subtle tricks. An important text I had sent apparently was canceled and never made it to the recipient, I conveniently found something to distract myself that I "needed" to do whenever I started remembering the previous night, and I started bottling up the feelings that had arisen as I've done many times before. Little things that could be overlooked or possibly brushed aside, but I see them very differently and their affect on me almost made me forget the whole thing.
Now, finally to why I'm writing this. This whole sequence in review is where I can finally see what I wasn't able to see last night. God was speaking to me, it just happened to be through means I couldn't understand at the time.
I was asking God about Love before it all happened last night, I was questioning the calling He's given me and if He'd give me the strength to endure. I asked Him if I could Love, sacrifice, and put another before myself if they didn't sacrifice for me or put me before themselves. That's when He pulled back. That's when the attack came.
As I started processing what happened and asked God what He is trying to show me, I came face-to-face with my savior, Jesus Christ. I saw Calvary. I saw Him, alone, bearing the weight of sin. His sacrificial Love poured out on me as He hung there alone. Then, as the ultimate stroke, the Father even turned away, leaving Him utterly alone. He knew. He knew before going to Calvary what it would entail. He knew what Loving others selflessly would entail, His own hurt, humiliation, and rejection. And here I am, feeling a little emotionally separated from the person I profess to Love and I wonder how I'll ever manage? Not the slap in the face I wanted, but the slap in the face I needed.
God went further, He wasn't done there. He showed how I had been drawing away somewhat emotionally in the past week and the fact He had not stopped caring for me one iota. I pointed out the fact He had let me be assailed by the enemy and he nodded. I wasn't quite sure what He meant by that. I pondered it for some time before I realized what it was for. He had shown me the merest taste of what it would be like if He ever did distance Himself from me or leave me. The realization made me shiver and still does.
I'm sure I still haven't understood everything God was and is trying to show me. I wasn't planning on this post when I sat down, it kinda wrote itself and I watched as God showed me thing after thing as He wrote through my fingers. All I can say at the end is I am humbled. My own ideology that I simply have to do my best was throw at me in no uncertain terms and exposed as the crutch I've been leaning one for years. God also showed me how utterly ineffective it was and proved I can't do anything on my strength alone; so, why have I set it as my standard for so long? But, this also leaves me challenged. God pointed out His called to Love and what it means, entails, and will require. It's nothing short of impossible...for me that is. Jesus Christ set the standard and I am called to follow Him in everything I do and everything I am.
As I look back on my words they are heavy. The weight they carry makes me swallow at the enormity of what I am called to do. But I am not alone; I am never alone. Even when I felt alone, I knew God was with me; He was letting me face the darkness in my own heart I didn't want to see, the log in my own eye as it were. I guess in closing I am encouraged by His promise to never leave me and that He's always guiding me. Guess it's time to find a new motto :P
Standing in His Light Amid the Darkness,
Joshua
Saturday, December 28, 2013
Friday, December 6, 2013
Simply Being You
I'm still floored.
I was approached the other day by someone who told me that I had made a difference. I had blessed someone I didn't even know with actions I hadn't thought mattered. I had made a difference in the midst of others who didn't seem to care. Some of them just stand and stare at me, thinking I'm a fool or crazy. I am both, but that doesn't change the fact that how I act is part of who I am. This simple truth, that what I do is part of more than just me. It affects more than just who we are; it connects those around us with us, community.
All that to say I was floored. When I was told I was looked up to and not ignored. I never thought my actions could inspire or that people cared. I was just being me. I guess it's so funny to see yourself in the mirror that someone holds up when they show what you've done. The lives you've touched, perhaps hearts you've won. But it all fades away, becomes nothing, without the Son.
All that to say I am not all that. My God's the one so great; He's taken a sinner like me and is making him a saint. He's the one shining through when people see me worship. I am not full of praise for his grace on my own, and without Him I am just a man in search of meaning. He gives me purpose and from that I praise; I praise His name, I laud His fame, and to me it's all the same. This purpose, this praise, they're both a reactor to the factor of what He's done in me. It's Him, not me, you see.
All that to say I am not going to change. That's not to say I'm perfect. I'm still flawed, still fall and stumble as I try to follow my Lord. But I can't do it on my own; it's only Christ in me and this I know. God took a sinner and changed his heart. That's just it; not of works that I have done but the sacrifice of God's Holy Son. So, like I said, I am not going to change, but God has changed me, is changing me, and will change me through the power of His Spirit. And the moment comes when just being you is letting God work through you.
That's what I see when people laud me. I see God working so powerfully in my life that it's changed, and it'll never be the same. From darkness to light, out of sin's eternal night, freed from death's blight; I am saved. Saved from myself, saved from sinning, and saved from never being able to change. Now He's done it and it's He who's begun it and He who shines through this broken man.
Well, sorry if that post is a bit weird or you couldn't follow it, I was trying my hand at spoken word. Ironically not spoken, but decided to put it down here anyway since it's been on my mind recently.
Letting God Shine Through,
Joshua
I was approached the other day by someone who told me that I had made a difference. I had blessed someone I didn't even know with actions I hadn't thought mattered. I had made a difference in the midst of others who didn't seem to care. Some of them just stand and stare at me, thinking I'm a fool or crazy. I am both, but that doesn't change the fact that how I act is part of who I am. This simple truth, that what I do is part of more than just me. It affects more than just who we are; it connects those around us with us, community.
All that to say I was floored. When I was told I was looked up to and not ignored. I never thought my actions could inspire or that people cared. I was just being me. I guess it's so funny to see yourself in the mirror that someone holds up when they show what you've done. The lives you've touched, perhaps hearts you've won. But it all fades away, becomes nothing, without the Son.
All that to say I am not all that. My God's the one so great; He's taken a sinner like me and is making him a saint. He's the one shining through when people see me worship. I am not full of praise for his grace on my own, and without Him I am just a man in search of meaning. He gives me purpose and from that I praise; I praise His name, I laud His fame, and to me it's all the same. This purpose, this praise, they're both a reactor to the factor of what He's done in me. It's Him, not me, you see.
All that to say I am not going to change. That's not to say I'm perfect. I'm still flawed, still fall and stumble as I try to follow my Lord. But I can't do it on my own; it's only Christ in me and this I know. God took a sinner and changed his heart. That's just it; not of works that I have done but the sacrifice of God's Holy Son. So, like I said, I am not going to change, but God has changed me, is changing me, and will change me through the power of His Spirit. And the moment comes when just being you is letting God work through you.
That's what I see when people laud me. I see God working so powerfully in my life that it's changed, and it'll never be the same. From darkness to light, out of sin's eternal night, freed from death's blight; I am saved. Saved from myself, saved from sinning, and saved from never being able to change. Now He's done it and it's He who's begun it and He who shines through this broken man.
Well, sorry if that post is a bit weird or you couldn't follow it, I was trying my hand at spoken word. Ironically not spoken, but decided to put it down here anyway since it's been on my mind recently.
Letting God Shine Through,
Joshua
Wednesday, November 6, 2013
My Present Presents and Future Futures
It's been a while. I haven't posted in quite some time and I feel like I need to. But I don't even know what to talk about. I have experienced so many thing in the past month that I'm not even sure where to start. Starting somewhere is better than not starting at all I guess, so here goes.
I have been blessed. Plain and simple, I have been blessed. The numerous ways God's shown His blessings to me this past month leave me speechless in wonder at how good my God is. The first is from a dear friend of mine. She and I are a lot alike. We like the same things, think similarly about things, and it's hard for either of us to see just how much we help others. Ever since this summer I have been feeling spiritually empty. I know what happened, but that doesn't make it any easier or change how I felt. For some reason it stuck with me after camp and I couldn't shake this feeling of running on spiritual empty and never feeling really close to God or like I am able to do anything worthwhile. It's a pretty horrible feeling to be honest. During times where I sought God with everything I had, I would feel close to Him for a moment, but then I go back to this empty feeling. My friend told me in the past few weeks to take things one day at a time and to ask for the strength to make it through that moment because God doesn't just give us the strength for the next year, month, or even week. She meant it for a different purpose, but as I started living it out and looking to God for this moment and relying on Him for the strength to merely get through this moment, something happened. I just realized I am no longer feeling spiritually empty. God has been filling me more and more every day. Not enough for the rest of the week, sometimes not enough for the rest of the day, but He is supplying enough for this moment and then He does supply enough for the next. She was God's way of filling me again with reliance on Him in a moment-by-moment basis, but, more than that, I am now more focused on God as the provider of all my needs and it's helped immensely with stress and peace.
Wow, and that's just one thing in the past month. Next thing that springs to my mind is providing. Recently I've been thinking about graduating, a family, and the life God has planned for me. First off, I am getting a bachelors in Creative Writing. I plan on being an author, but looking at it from an honest point of view it usually isn't a high paying job, might not even pan out, and has a lot of competition. This isn't exactly a great confidence boost and when thinking about providing for a family I find myself wonder how well I'll be able to do that. But more and more recently, I am coming to peace with something, God has it and will provide even when I can't. Now, to better understand this, I want to go back a bit and explain some of how I got here.
My story of how I got to college is far from ordinary and miraculous to say the least. I was home schooled and even during my senior year I didn't know where I was going to go for college. I didn't have any prospects or even an idea of what I wanted for my major. That summer rolled by and I get to Labor Day weekend. My family decided to go camping and during the trip I was forced to make a decision about what I was going to do with my life. At that point I was considering joining the navy as a nuclear engineer, all I would have had to do was go take the ASVAB as a formality and I would have been able to join the navy nuclear division. But that same evening a possibility was dropped in my lap and the opportunity to attend Cornerstone University was brought up. Now, I didn't want to be behind. I was a grade ahead of most of my friends and I could have waited a year and then jumped into college, but I didn't want to and I told God that the only way I was going to college was if he could get me in this semester; classes started in four days and I had never sent an application or even looked at a college. Regardless, I applied to Cornerstone during the holiday, on the weekend, while I was rustic camping away from any transcripts(which I didn't have), grades(which I didn't have either), and any way of submitting my application.
Well, if you know anything about me, you know I'm a student at Cornerstone at the moment. So, apparently, it worked out. But the events and how it unfolded was such an amazing work of God that even to this day I am left speechless; God fulfilled every request and condition I made and removed every excuse I had in the process. He oversaw everything that happened and I'm still finding out things that He did that are affecting me even now and if they hadn't happened I wouldn't have been able to be where I am. However, long story short, I moved in the day before classes started, registered for my classes, and leaped feet first into a new environment, missing freshman orientation along the way. I picked a major out of a list that they gave me, deciding to declare something because I thought I needed to, and picked the only thing on there I recognized and was any good at, Math. I went into my freshman year pursuing a major I had picked at random and without any clue for what I was supposed to be doing there. My freshman year was a miracle in and of itself that I will explain in more detail in later posts. Sufficed to say I heard about something at the end of the year that caught my ear, the possibility of a Creative Writing major. I explored the possibility the next semester, the beginning of my sophomore year, and after that semester God had convinced me and I changed my major. Ever since then God has made it abundantly clear that this is where He's put me and that He has plans for me even if I can't see them or they seem unlikely at best.
However, possibly the best thing about college is that God's brought someone into my life that I never would have met otherwise. I can look at friendships I've made and say that without them I wouldn't be who I am today and that God's uniquely used each one to make me more like Him, but I met a person my sophomore year I am going to spend the rest of my life with and that's something I don't even have words for. The person I am going to Love for the rest of my life, the person who will stand with me until the end, and the person who will run toward Christ with me is something special to me and I don't believe I could have found anyone near as perfectly suited for me as she is.
And that's how I got here. God planned it. The whole thing. That I'd attend Cornerstone, that I'd make the friends I have, that I'd be housed where I have been, that I'd find the major that I believe He's designed for me to impact the world by, and that I'd find the person I will spend the rest of my life with. Looking back, every step was made without knowledge of the future and without knowing anything beyond trusting that God would provide for me along the way. He has till now. That's something I cannot look past. And worry about if I'll be able to provide in the future is essentially implying that God won't continue to provide. So, not only does He say He will provide, but He has shown me He will provide and that's not something I will ignore.
Wow. That is the only word I can say right now. That is the only word that describes how I feel after looking at what God's done in the past, present, and what He has for my future. He has my awe, admiration, and loyalty and can give me any direction and I will follow it. I can't imagine life without my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. This month has helped cement that belief more than ever.
At then end of this the only I can say is thank you. Thank you God, thank you Jesus. You've brought me out of the miry clay and set my feet on solid ground. You've given me purpose, hope and Love. And You're working in me now even if I can't see it just yet. I'll give it a month. Then maybe I'll see what He's doing at this moment ;] This was a long one and there will be more to come this month because He never stops awing me with what He does in, through, and around me.
Finding Peace in the Moment,
Joshua
I have been blessed. Plain and simple, I have been blessed. The numerous ways God's shown His blessings to me this past month leave me speechless in wonder at how good my God is. The first is from a dear friend of mine. She and I are a lot alike. We like the same things, think similarly about things, and it's hard for either of us to see just how much we help others. Ever since this summer I have been feeling spiritually empty. I know what happened, but that doesn't make it any easier or change how I felt. For some reason it stuck with me after camp and I couldn't shake this feeling of running on spiritual empty and never feeling really close to God or like I am able to do anything worthwhile. It's a pretty horrible feeling to be honest. During times where I sought God with everything I had, I would feel close to Him for a moment, but then I go back to this empty feeling. My friend told me in the past few weeks to take things one day at a time and to ask for the strength to make it through that moment because God doesn't just give us the strength for the next year, month, or even week. She meant it for a different purpose, but as I started living it out and looking to God for this moment and relying on Him for the strength to merely get through this moment, something happened. I just realized I am no longer feeling spiritually empty. God has been filling me more and more every day. Not enough for the rest of the week, sometimes not enough for the rest of the day, but He is supplying enough for this moment and then He does supply enough for the next. She was God's way of filling me again with reliance on Him in a moment-by-moment basis, but, more than that, I am now more focused on God as the provider of all my needs and it's helped immensely with stress and peace.
Wow, and that's just one thing in the past month. Next thing that springs to my mind is providing. Recently I've been thinking about graduating, a family, and the life God has planned for me. First off, I am getting a bachelors in Creative Writing. I plan on being an author, but looking at it from an honest point of view it usually isn't a high paying job, might not even pan out, and has a lot of competition. This isn't exactly a great confidence boost and when thinking about providing for a family I find myself wonder how well I'll be able to do that. But more and more recently, I am coming to peace with something, God has it and will provide even when I can't. Now, to better understand this, I want to go back a bit and explain some of how I got here.
My story of how I got to college is far from ordinary and miraculous to say the least. I was home schooled and even during my senior year I didn't know where I was going to go for college. I didn't have any prospects or even an idea of what I wanted for my major. That summer rolled by and I get to Labor Day weekend. My family decided to go camping and during the trip I was forced to make a decision about what I was going to do with my life. At that point I was considering joining the navy as a nuclear engineer, all I would have had to do was go take the ASVAB as a formality and I would have been able to join the navy nuclear division. But that same evening a possibility was dropped in my lap and the opportunity to attend Cornerstone University was brought up. Now, I didn't want to be behind. I was a grade ahead of most of my friends and I could have waited a year and then jumped into college, but I didn't want to and I told God that the only way I was going to college was if he could get me in this semester; classes started in four days and I had never sent an application or even looked at a college. Regardless, I applied to Cornerstone during the holiday, on the weekend, while I was rustic camping away from any transcripts(which I didn't have), grades(which I didn't have either), and any way of submitting my application.
Well, if you know anything about me, you know I'm a student at Cornerstone at the moment. So, apparently, it worked out. But the events and how it unfolded was such an amazing work of God that even to this day I am left speechless; God fulfilled every request and condition I made and removed every excuse I had in the process. He oversaw everything that happened and I'm still finding out things that He did that are affecting me even now and if they hadn't happened I wouldn't have been able to be where I am. However, long story short, I moved in the day before classes started, registered for my classes, and leaped feet first into a new environment, missing freshman orientation along the way. I picked a major out of a list that they gave me, deciding to declare something because I thought I needed to, and picked the only thing on there I recognized and was any good at, Math. I went into my freshman year pursuing a major I had picked at random and without any clue for what I was supposed to be doing there. My freshman year was a miracle in and of itself that I will explain in more detail in later posts. Sufficed to say I heard about something at the end of the year that caught my ear, the possibility of a Creative Writing major. I explored the possibility the next semester, the beginning of my sophomore year, and after that semester God had convinced me and I changed my major. Ever since then God has made it abundantly clear that this is where He's put me and that He has plans for me even if I can't see them or they seem unlikely at best.
However, possibly the best thing about college is that God's brought someone into my life that I never would have met otherwise. I can look at friendships I've made and say that without them I wouldn't be who I am today and that God's uniquely used each one to make me more like Him, but I met a person my sophomore year I am going to spend the rest of my life with and that's something I don't even have words for. The person I am going to Love for the rest of my life, the person who will stand with me until the end, and the person who will run toward Christ with me is something special to me and I don't believe I could have found anyone near as perfectly suited for me as she is.
And that's how I got here. God planned it. The whole thing. That I'd attend Cornerstone, that I'd make the friends I have, that I'd be housed where I have been, that I'd find the major that I believe He's designed for me to impact the world by, and that I'd find the person I will spend the rest of my life with. Looking back, every step was made without knowledge of the future and without knowing anything beyond trusting that God would provide for me along the way. He has till now. That's something I cannot look past. And worry about if I'll be able to provide in the future is essentially implying that God won't continue to provide. So, not only does He say He will provide, but He has shown me He will provide and that's not something I will ignore.
Wow. That is the only word I can say right now. That is the only word that describes how I feel after looking at what God's done in the past, present, and what He has for my future. He has my awe, admiration, and loyalty and can give me any direction and I will follow it. I can't imagine life without my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. This month has helped cement that belief more than ever.
At then end of this the only I can say is thank you. Thank you God, thank you Jesus. You've brought me out of the miry clay and set my feet on solid ground. You've given me purpose, hope and Love. And You're working in me now even if I can't see it just yet. I'll give it a month. Then maybe I'll see what He's doing at this moment ;] This was a long one and there will be more to come this month because He never stops awing me with what He does in, through, and around me.
Finding Peace in the Moment,
Joshua
Sunday, October 6, 2013
Jesus' Strength
Well, I feel the pull to write again. As with last time, I'm not sure what this is about either, but here goes.
Life is uncertain, at least that's certain. Life is complicated, simply complicated. Life is unknown, but we know how it will go. I could go on. Life is full of seeming paradoxes. As I look around me I see rules or laws and exceptions to each and every one. There's justice, but times when it is overlooked. People make promises, but break them if they want to. Love is given, and then it is taken back. Safety is taken for granted, until it is violently taken away. All broken... Everything around me. I see people hurting because of how these lies of life have left them hurt and empty. As I see that, I could despair.
But it doesn't end there.
I then see something else, I see Jesus. Now you might write that off as cheap sentimentality, or a crutch. To put it bluntly, you would be wrong. Let me come at it from how I've been seeing it recently.
Jesus is certain, He shows us who He is through the Bible; the whole Bible, cover to cover. Jesus is complex, but not complicated; He is simple as well. Jesus allows us to know who He is and desires to reveal himself to us in everyday life and through His word, the Bible. I could go on. Jesus doesn't disappoint. We might be disappointed in Him, but He doesn't let us down, we simply don't like what He's saying. It could be too hard for us. We might not be able to do it ourselves. We might not see why we should do it. It might seem like it's not the right path. Our pile of excuses accumulate until you feel like you're justified in what you're saying or doing. And that's when you expect something that you see all around you, Jesus to give up because it's not worth it. But, He doesn't.
That's what I've seen this week. I have messed up, some ways larger than others, but He's right there letting me know that He's still working with me, alongside me, and for me. It blows my mind so much... I don't understand how and why God blesses me the way He does and I don't know why He brings me through the hard times when I'm not even worth saving. But that's the beauty of Jesus, He saves those that don't deserve it. So, that's part of my week.
Well, it's about that time of the year. My birthday is only eight days away. I'm not usually one to really think about it. But now I'm excited for my birthday. That weekend is going to be refreshing, my birthday is going to be exciting, and I will return to school ready to face anew the rest of the semester.
Honestly, I'm tired. I'm tired of classes already, I'm physically tired, and I'm tired of not feeling spiritually full. But I'm facing each day asking for strength for today, and now I know Jesus will provide it. Maybe only enough strength for each moment, but I'm given enough strength. It makes me rely on Jesus moment by moment, and any time I don't life crashes. I have to take it one step at a time. It makes it tedious at times, and I often feel like everything's moving slow but I'm beginning to see that this full reliance is where I'm supposed to be with God. By now my exhaustion is probably talking so I'll close this up for tonight. I'm excited to be relying on the one person I know is constant and will be able to carry me through life and life's problems.
Living Life By Jesus' Strength Daily,
Joshua
Life is uncertain, at least that's certain. Life is complicated, simply complicated. Life is unknown, but we know how it will go. I could go on. Life is full of seeming paradoxes. As I look around me I see rules or laws and exceptions to each and every one. There's justice, but times when it is overlooked. People make promises, but break them if they want to. Love is given, and then it is taken back. Safety is taken for granted, until it is violently taken away. All broken... Everything around me. I see people hurting because of how these lies of life have left them hurt and empty. As I see that, I could despair.
But it doesn't end there.
I then see something else, I see Jesus. Now you might write that off as cheap sentimentality, or a crutch. To put it bluntly, you would be wrong. Let me come at it from how I've been seeing it recently.
Jesus is certain, He shows us who He is through the Bible; the whole Bible, cover to cover. Jesus is complex, but not complicated; He is simple as well. Jesus allows us to know who He is and desires to reveal himself to us in everyday life and through His word, the Bible. I could go on. Jesus doesn't disappoint. We might be disappointed in Him, but He doesn't let us down, we simply don't like what He's saying. It could be too hard for us. We might not be able to do it ourselves. We might not see why we should do it. It might seem like it's not the right path. Our pile of excuses accumulate until you feel like you're justified in what you're saying or doing. And that's when you expect something that you see all around you, Jesus to give up because it's not worth it. But, He doesn't.
That's what I've seen this week. I have messed up, some ways larger than others, but He's right there letting me know that He's still working with me, alongside me, and for me. It blows my mind so much... I don't understand how and why God blesses me the way He does and I don't know why He brings me through the hard times when I'm not even worth saving. But that's the beauty of Jesus, He saves those that don't deserve it. So, that's part of my week.
Well, it's about that time of the year. My birthday is only eight days away. I'm not usually one to really think about it. But now I'm excited for my birthday. That weekend is going to be refreshing, my birthday is going to be exciting, and I will return to school ready to face anew the rest of the semester.
Honestly, I'm tired. I'm tired of classes already, I'm physically tired, and I'm tired of not feeling spiritually full. But I'm facing each day asking for strength for today, and now I know Jesus will provide it. Maybe only enough strength for each moment, but I'm given enough strength. It makes me rely on Jesus moment by moment, and any time I don't life crashes. I have to take it one step at a time. It makes it tedious at times, and I often feel like everything's moving slow but I'm beginning to see that this full reliance is where I'm supposed to be with God. By now my exhaustion is probably talking so I'll close this up for tonight. I'm excited to be relying on the one person I know is constant and will be able to carry me through life and life's problems.
Living Life By Jesus' Strength Daily,
Joshua
Thursday, September 26, 2013
Thoughts on a Thursday Night
I want to have a topic in mind before I start writing a post, I enjoy knowing at least in some vague way where my thoughts are going. But today I don't have a specific idea in mind, there are far too many tumbling around in my head to pick any one out. So, as the disclaimer says, I will simply share my thoughts with you. Mind though, I am not even sure what's going to come out.
First off my week has been insane. This summer has taken an awful toll on me that I didn't understand the ramifications of until now. Video games are no longer a de-stresser. I can no longer unwind by hopping on a video game and playing for a little bit. Now this may sound trivial to some, or perhaps somewhat interesting to others, but it has been a nightmare for me. I used to pride myself(Huh, first hint something bad's going to happen) on the fact that I was never stressed. I could go through some pretty crazy circumstances and I wouldn't be stressed, or at least I could easily and quickly deal with that stress in a way that rendered it inconsequential. But I no longer can. I didn't feel it immediately after summer camp(where the change happened) because nothing really stressing me then. I didn't feel it the first few weeks of school because I was starting up classes and everything was pretty simple. I felt it when life got crazy, I got no sleep, and everything was due. That's when it hit me, with a force I had never felt before.
That's just the tip of the iceberg, I had known video games could no longer de-stress me since a couple weeks after camp but I didn't know what that meant, I had never dealt with stress. I had always been comfortably free of it. I was a wreck that night, I couldn't think straight enough to solve simple equations, my words were slow and clunky, and I felt as if gravity had doubled. I walked through a fog for a couple days before I made it to the other side of the piles of homework and could breath, I'm still not back to normal. I have quickly found that turning to God is the only way it gets any easier, the only way to alleviate or relive even a little bit of the crushing weight.
I know why it happened, I asked God to draw me closer to Him. I did the one thing any sane person would shy from, because when I said it, I meant it. I wanted to grow closer to Him, I wanted to know Him more; I didn't know what that meant. But He did, He knew that for me to get closer to Him, He'd have to kick out what stood between us, and so He did. I'm wondering why He did it, why couldn't He use a different method, an easier method? Why not change the desires of my heart instead of change my life? Hmm, sounds kind of funny huh? Me telling my God what to do with my life, yeah He's probably chuckling to Himself right now too. But that's how I felt, and still do in some ways, I want my life left alone and He can change my heart so in return I can change my life, and maybe leave some things in that aren't "too bad". But He isn't satisfied with that, He doesn't only want my heart, He wants me. And me includes everything.
Speaking of everything, I've been thinking of something recently, something I've never really given much thought to before. My future. Well I've thought about my future before, wondered what I'd do after college, where I'd get a job, and, well, stopping there. I kind of look at my future as what I'd do. Which, to most logical people is what it is. Right? Well right now I'm kind of thinking about it in different way, a really different way. I'm looking at the end of college and wondering how I might be providing for a family, my job is no longer what's sufficient to sustain me but to sustain those under my care. I look even further at where God has me going, Africa, the Middle East, South America? I have no clue, but He's put them on the table, asking me what I think. Kind of scary, God saying, "So, there's people that need to hear my Word proclaimed in Africa, they need to see and hear it in the Middle East, and there are those seeking me but not knowing what to look for in South America; what do you think about the needs in these areas?" I'm more than mildly daunted and am like, "Uh, they need to hear about You...uh, perhaps someone should go to them." Right now He's just nodded and keeps looking at me, I'm not quite sure what to make of it yet. He's
refrained from talking to me for now, and I'm scared as to what it means. Because honestly I am scared of the unknown, I am willing to trust but that doesn't mean I don't fear.
Back to providing, what does that look like right now? Who am I supposed to be pouring into and caring for right now? I have several obvious people that God's put in my life and laid on my heart, but I know there are more, God's told me so. But He hasn't shown me, He's waiting for me to find them. Sometimes I step back and am daunted by what God's called me to do, I am just a man and right now I am at the most broken I've ever personally been. I'm physically exhausted, mentally gone, and spiritually dry right now. I am wandering through a wilderness with only the dim outline of God to seek after, and right now I feel like He's leading me deeper into the desert. I am a strong person because I have had to be my whole life, but when my own strength fails and I'm left crushed what is left? I'm always one for a solution, always there with an answer! But right now even my own answers are flying in my face, they seem like useless words compared to how I feel right now.
But it doesn't end there, thankfully it gets better! No, nothing spectacular happened, no great change has yet to come upon me; in fact, I'm expecting this whole semester to feel somewhere along this vein. However, I do trust in God, and by saying that I am claiming His promise to always be with me. When they faced some of their greatest enemies, God told His people in Deuteronomy 31:6
I like trust, a random trivia fact about me for the day. I find joy in knowing that someone is trustworthy and being able to trust them. It can hurt when someone turns out not to be, but for some reason that doesn't deter me. But here's something I CAN trust, but far too often don't. Why don't I? I have yet to find out, perhaps I'm scared of putting that much on the line. Trusting that God is with me when I'm going through trials and wilderness is more than I feel comfortable doing because if He lets me down then I'm not sure where I'll stop falling. Yet that's what's wrong with me right now, I'm not trusting God right now and that's what's making this time so hard for me, because I have no one I can rely on. Or, rather, I don't have anyone reliable I am relying on, because I let myself down far too often.
I like closing off a blog past saying that I'm going to do something or that I'm going to change something, yet right now I want to trust in God but I'm not sure if I really will. Funny to hear myself saying that, I have always had faith in God; that's the one thing that has never changed since I started believing in Him. Yet right now I am wondering if I can truly trust on God in this, or if I'll keep relying on myself. I guess I'll close with a prayer, which perhaps is what I should do every time.
Wishing Life Wasn't So Hard, But Glad God's Always With Me,
Joshua
First off my week has been insane. This summer has taken an awful toll on me that I didn't understand the ramifications of until now. Video games are no longer a de-stresser. I can no longer unwind by hopping on a video game and playing for a little bit. Now this may sound trivial to some, or perhaps somewhat interesting to others, but it has been a nightmare for me. I used to pride myself(Huh, first hint something bad's going to happen) on the fact that I was never stressed. I could go through some pretty crazy circumstances and I wouldn't be stressed, or at least I could easily and quickly deal with that stress in a way that rendered it inconsequential. But I no longer can. I didn't feel it immediately after summer camp(where the change happened) because nothing really stressing me then. I didn't feel it the first few weeks of school because I was starting up classes and everything was pretty simple. I felt it when life got crazy, I got no sleep, and everything was due. That's when it hit me, with a force I had never felt before.
That's just the tip of the iceberg, I had known video games could no longer de-stress me since a couple weeks after camp but I didn't know what that meant, I had never dealt with stress. I had always been comfortably free of it. I was a wreck that night, I couldn't think straight enough to solve simple equations, my words were slow and clunky, and I felt as if gravity had doubled. I walked through a fog for a couple days before I made it to the other side of the piles of homework and could breath, I'm still not back to normal. I have quickly found that turning to God is the only way it gets any easier, the only way to alleviate or relive even a little bit of the crushing weight.
I know why it happened, I asked God to draw me closer to Him. I did the one thing any sane person would shy from, because when I said it, I meant it. I wanted to grow closer to Him, I wanted to know Him more; I didn't know what that meant. But He did, He knew that for me to get closer to Him, He'd have to kick out what stood between us, and so He did. I'm wondering why He did it, why couldn't He use a different method, an easier method? Why not change the desires of my heart instead of change my life? Hmm, sounds kind of funny huh? Me telling my God what to do with my life, yeah He's probably chuckling to Himself right now too. But that's how I felt, and still do in some ways, I want my life left alone and He can change my heart so in return I can change my life, and maybe leave some things in that aren't "too bad". But He isn't satisfied with that, He doesn't only want my heart, He wants me. And me includes everything.
Speaking of everything, I've been thinking of something recently, something I've never really given much thought to before. My future. Well I've thought about my future before, wondered what I'd do after college, where I'd get a job, and, well, stopping there. I kind of look at my future as what I'd do. Which, to most logical people is what it is. Right? Well right now I'm kind of thinking about it in different way, a really different way. I'm looking at the end of college and wondering how I might be providing for a family, my job is no longer what's sufficient to sustain me but to sustain those under my care. I look even further at where God has me going, Africa, the Middle East, South America? I have no clue, but He's put them on the table, asking me what I think. Kind of scary, God saying, "So, there's people that need to hear my Word proclaimed in Africa, they need to see and hear it in the Middle East, and there are those seeking me but not knowing what to look for in South America; what do you think about the needs in these areas?" I'm more than mildly daunted and am like, "Uh, they need to hear about You...uh, perhaps someone should go to them." Right now He's just nodded and keeps looking at me, I'm not quite sure what to make of it yet. He's
refrained from talking to me for now, and I'm scared as to what it means. Because honestly I am scared of the unknown, I am willing to trust but that doesn't mean I don't fear.
Back to providing, what does that look like right now? Who am I supposed to be pouring into and caring for right now? I have several obvious people that God's put in my life and laid on my heart, but I know there are more, God's told me so. But He hasn't shown me, He's waiting for me to find them. Sometimes I step back and am daunted by what God's called me to do, I am just a man and right now I am at the most broken I've ever personally been. I'm physically exhausted, mentally gone, and spiritually dry right now. I am wandering through a wilderness with only the dim outline of God to seek after, and right now I feel like He's leading me deeper into the desert. I am a strong person because I have had to be my whole life, but when my own strength fails and I'm left crushed what is left? I'm always one for a solution, always there with an answer! But right now even my own answers are flying in my face, they seem like useless words compared to how I feel right now.
But it doesn't end there, thankfully it gets better! No, nothing spectacular happened, no great change has yet to come upon me; in fact, I'm expecting this whole semester to feel somewhere along this vein. However, I do trust in God, and by saying that I am claiming His promise to always be with me. When they faced some of their greatest enemies, God told His people in Deuteronomy 31:6
"Be strong and courageous, do not be afraid or tremble at them, for the Lord your God is the one who goes with you. He will not fail you or forsake you."They were facing things beyond their strength to defeat, an unknown future, and more stress than you can imagine! But God told His people, 'He(God) will not fail you or forsake you.' He didn't tell them everything would be alright, they wouldn't suffer, or that they would never lose, because they would. Their sin would draw them away from God and their rebellion would cost them many things, and because of this God would let them reap the consequences. But, God said He'd always be with them, and He has yet to break a promise.
I like trust, a random trivia fact about me for the day. I find joy in knowing that someone is trustworthy and being able to trust them. It can hurt when someone turns out not to be, but for some reason that doesn't deter me. But here's something I CAN trust, but far too often don't. Why don't I? I have yet to find out, perhaps I'm scared of putting that much on the line. Trusting that God is with me when I'm going through trials and wilderness is more than I feel comfortable doing because if He lets me down then I'm not sure where I'll stop falling. Yet that's what's wrong with me right now, I'm not trusting God right now and that's what's making this time so hard for me, because I have no one I can rely on. Or, rather, I don't have anyone reliable I am relying on, because I let myself down far too often.
I like closing off a blog past saying that I'm going to do something or that I'm going to change something, yet right now I want to trust in God but I'm not sure if I really will. Funny to hear myself saying that, I have always had faith in God; that's the one thing that has never changed since I started believing in Him. Yet right now I am wondering if I can truly trust on God in this, or if I'll keep relying on myself. I guess I'll close with a prayer, which perhaps is what I should do every time.
Father, I am not doing so well right now. I am weighed down by work, lack of sleep, and concern for those around me. Something has been breaking for a while, my ability to do what I need to, and I need your help...no I need you to completely take over. I asked this summer for you to draw me closer to you and you've made the way open for me to, but I haven't. Will you continue to draw me to you? Will you continue on to completion what you've started in me? That's what I'm asking right now, that you don't leave me here wondering where I am, please guide me and lead me, Father. In the name of your Son, Jesus Christ, Amen
Wishing Life Wasn't So Hard, But Glad God's Always With Me,
Joshua
Wednesday, September 4, 2013
Breaking Down Being Broken
So how's the past couple days been? Kinda terrible actually. I've been feeling really broken, the weight of this semester and what's in store has me scared, hurting for those around me, and feeling somewhat lost. So right now I'm broken, wondering if more or less this is how the rest of the semester is going to be. But just as I was wondering this a thought hit me, the answer to the question of if this is how the semester is going to go.
Now the answer didn't come in the form of a yes or no response but instead in the form of a challenge from God to me.
"How do you handle brokenness?" That's what He asked me. I stopped for a moment and thought about how I respond when I'm broken, when I'm hurt or when I'm hurting for others. Well, I'll be honest, most of the time when I feel broken I turn to God and ask that He make me feel whole again and that He'd take my brokenness and use it for His will.
Now there's nothing wrong with this; if I want to be made whole in Christ and ask for healing, He oft times will lead me to healing and to oneness with Him. But then there was last night. Last night was crazy. After a day of getting back in touch with my friends, making new friends, and getting ready for classes today, I had a growing feeling that something wasn't right. I felt broken and I didn't know why; I was hurting so much I could physically feel it in my chest, like someone had taken a wooden stake and stabbed me with it. I prayed God would help me through it and bring me out stronger in Him on the other side. He told me that He would but I had to wait. I hate waiting(props to you if you read this in Inigo Montoya's voice).
But as it turns out I wasn't waiting on Him, He was waiting on me. He had something for me to do before He'd heal me. What was it, well I didn't see it till right now.
So yesterday I was hanging out with friends, fellow Cornerstone students and a close friend, and the whole time I had this feeling of brokenness I've been talking about. Throughout the whole time I was slightly distracted with asking God to heal me inside and take away these feelings of brokenness until we split up for the night to head our respective ways. At that point I stood there alone, wrestling silently with these feelings and wondering what to do. Then I knew what to do. On the way into the building I was standing in I had seen one of my friend's face and I knew that he needed prayer.
So I walked into his room and we talked about how things were going and how I could be praying for him. As I prayed for him and his roommate, I felt a sense of peace. That was the tipping point. From there I just started praying for everyone I knew that needed prayer, I prayed that night at my dorm room, I prayed as I got ready for bed, and as I fell asleep.
Today I'm still hurting for those around me, but not as strong as I was last night. And that's when I realized something amazing, God had broken me so that I'd be willing to help those around me that were breaking. As I thought about that and the implications my mind exploded. I am broken because there are those around me that are broken.
Honestly, before now, if God had told me that He broke me and let me be hurt so I could help those around me I would have resented it. I don't like feeling the creeping sense of dread and hollowness that I get when I'm broken. Why should I have to feel it merely because someone else is hurting, let them turn to God and seek His healing and leave me nice and unbroken, thank you. How shallow am I.
So that's it, that's why I'm broken, because there are those around me that need a friend to come beside them and be there with them and encourage them. So now I have this "spiritual radar" of sorts. Whenever I feel broken I need to reach out to those around me that are hurting, broken, and lost. I need to no longer think about being made whole, but being broken even more so that I never forget that I'm part of a community here at college and a community of faith who need each other to stand beside each other to care, love, and build each other up.
We are called to be like Christ, and he wasn't looking to be served, but to serve those around Him.
We are called to place others before ourselves and take care of each other.
There are countless passages where we are called to place others before ourselves and far too often I don't do that. So God, in His loving kindness, revealed His way for me to look past myself. I am to look at those around me when I'm broken and pray for them, walk beside the, and sometimes simply be there for them.
The cool thing about this is that now I'm looking forward to the next time I'm broken, not because it'll bring me closer to God and more like Jesus, but because I get to actively do that as I am being broken!!
Joyfully Anticipating Hurting,
Joshua
Now the answer didn't come in the form of a yes or no response but instead in the form of a challenge from God to me.
"How do you handle brokenness?" That's what He asked me. I stopped for a moment and thought about how I respond when I'm broken, when I'm hurt or when I'm hurting for others. Well, I'll be honest, most of the time when I feel broken I turn to God and ask that He make me feel whole again and that He'd take my brokenness and use it for His will.
Now there's nothing wrong with this; if I want to be made whole in Christ and ask for healing, He oft times will lead me to healing and to oneness with Him. But then there was last night. Last night was crazy. After a day of getting back in touch with my friends, making new friends, and getting ready for classes today, I had a growing feeling that something wasn't right. I felt broken and I didn't know why; I was hurting so much I could physically feel it in my chest, like someone had taken a wooden stake and stabbed me with it. I prayed God would help me through it and bring me out stronger in Him on the other side. He told me that He would but I had to wait. I hate waiting(props to you if you read this in Inigo Montoya's voice).
But as it turns out I wasn't waiting on Him, He was waiting on me. He had something for me to do before He'd heal me. What was it, well I didn't see it till right now.
So yesterday I was hanging out with friends, fellow Cornerstone students and a close friend, and the whole time I had this feeling of brokenness I've been talking about. Throughout the whole time I was slightly distracted with asking God to heal me inside and take away these feelings of brokenness until we split up for the night to head our respective ways. At that point I stood there alone, wrestling silently with these feelings and wondering what to do. Then I knew what to do. On the way into the building I was standing in I had seen one of my friend's face and I knew that he needed prayer.
So I walked into his room and we talked about how things were going and how I could be praying for him. As I prayed for him and his roommate, I felt a sense of peace. That was the tipping point. From there I just started praying for everyone I knew that needed prayer, I prayed that night at my dorm room, I prayed as I got ready for bed, and as I fell asleep.
Today I'm still hurting for those around me, but not as strong as I was last night. And that's when I realized something amazing, God had broken me so that I'd be willing to help those around me that were breaking. As I thought about that and the implications my mind exploded. I am broken because there are those around me that are broken.
Honestly, before now, if God had told me that He broke me and let me be hurt so I could help those around me I would have resented it. I don't like feeling the creeping sense of dread and hollowness that I get when I'm broken. Why should I have to feel it merely because someone else is hurting, let them turn to God and seek His healing and leave me nice and unbroken, thank you. How shallow am I.
So that's it, that's why I'm broken, because there are those around me that need a friend to come beside them and be there with them and encourage them. So now I have this "spiritual radar" of sorts. Whenever I feel broken I need to reach out to those around me that are hurting, broken, and lost. I need to no longer think about being made whole, but being broken even more so that I never forget that I'm part of a community here at college and a community of faith who need each other to stand beside each other to care, love, and build each other up.
"...the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve..." Matthew 20:28
We are called to be like Christ, and he wasn't looking to be served, but to serve those around Him.
"...through love serve one another." Galatians 5:13
We are called to place others before ourselves and take care of each other.
There are countless passages where we are called to place others before ourselves and far too often I don't do that. So God, in His loving kindness, revealed His way for me to look past myself. I am to look at those around me when I'm broken and pray for them, walk beside the, and sometimes simply be there for them.
The cool thing about this is that now I'm looking forward to the next time I'm broken, not because it'll bring me closer to God and more like Jesus, but because I get to actively do that as I am being broken!!
Joyfully Anticipating Hurting,
Joshua
Tuesday, September 3, 2013
Words With Friends I
Well something's been on my mind recently, it's one of the many saying that I have. And, if you know me, you've probably heard plenty of them by now. Where I pick these up I don't usually remember. Why I say them is because they mean something special or unique to me and every time I say them they remind me of something that I often shouldn't forget.
The one I feel like I should share today is, "This is the first day of the rest of my life."
Now many of you have possibly heard that before, it's the lyrics of a song, it's the title of a book, it's the name of a movie, and the list goes on. It's not a saying unique to me. So why is this something I say and why is it something I've been thinking about recently, well, let me tell you.
Coming into this school year I've been feeling really weighed down. The past couple years I have taken a back seat and been content to watch life go on around me, not reaching out to build up those around me. I didn't seek out ways to help lead and serve, merely enjoying living comfortably. And now that plagues me, how could I have been so selfish? And because of that I don't feel like I'm where I should have been.
So I have my failures looming over me and the realization that this is what I've been for the past couple years and it's become a habit, and it will be so easy to fall back into who I've been. Looking in the past has this strange of sapping your energy to live for the future. So I've been trying to look forward to what God has for me this year, but I feel the presence of what I was creeping up behind me and I find myself looking every so often over my shoulder. It's a problem I have, letting my past sneak up on me, even when it's not trying to and it's simply me worrying.
But this is where this particular saying brings my mind back on track. First off it says nothing about the past. It helps me look to the work I have to do now, not what or how I've failed in the past. Second it gives a sense of hope, I have a life ahead of me that God has a plan for and good works He's prepared for me to do!
Wow, even righting this I have this thrill that God's got something just around the corner for me to do! It's my way of remembering that God's right there with me and because of that my past is past and my future has yet to become the past, so it's time I start living in the present.
So that's the first one. You'll see more of my sayings as God lays them on my heart. I hope you were encouraged at this and the fact that what's in the past can only affect your future if you let it, because today is the first day of the rest of your life, so live it now how you want it to be. Because tomorrow never comes, it stays tomorrow and all you have is the here and now. And the past never becomes your future, it can just become what you see in the future when you stop looking at what God has for you to do and instead look at how you've failed in the past.
I challenge you to live like today is the first day of the rest of your life!
Starting Over, Starting Today, and Starting With Christ,
Joshua
The one I feel like I should share today is, "This is the first day of the rest of my life."
Now many of you have possibly heard that before, it's the lyrics of a song, it's the title of a book, it's the name of a movie, and the list goes on. It's not a saying unique to me. So why is this something I say and why is it something I've been thinking about recently, well, let me tell you.
Coming into this school year I've been feeling really weighed down. The past couple years I have taken a back seat and been content to watch life go on around me, not reaching out to build up those around me. I didn't seek out ways to help lead and serve, merely enjoying living comfortably. And now that plagues me, how could I have been so selfish? And because of that I don't feel like I'm where I should have been.
So I have my failures looming over me and the realization that this is what I've been for the past couple years and it's become a habit, and it will be so easy to fall back into who I've been. Looking in the past has this strange of sapping your energy to live for the future. So I've been trying to look forward to what God has for me this year, but I feel the presence of what I was creeping up behind me and I find myself looking every so often over my shoulder. It's a problem I have, letting my past sneak up on me, even when it's not trying to and it's simply me worrying.
But this is where this particular saying brings my mind back on track. First off it says nothing about the past. It helps me look to the work I have to do now, not what or how I've failed in the past. Second it gives a sense of hope, I have a life ahead of me that God has a plan for and good works He's prepared for me to do!
Wow, even righting this I have this thrill that God's got something just around the corner for me to do! It's my way of remembering that God's right there with me and because of that my past is past and my future has yet to become the past, so it's time I start living in the present.
So that's the first one. You'll see more of my sayings as God lays them on my heart. I hope you were encouraged at this and the fact that what's in the past can only affect your future if you let it, because today is the first day of the rest of your life, so live it now how you want it to be. Because tomorrow never comes, it stays tomorrow and all you have is the here and now. And the past never becomes your future, it can just become what you see in the future when you stop looking at what God has for you to do and instead look at how you've failed in the past.
I challenge you to live like today is the first day of the rest of your life!
Starting Over, Starting Today, and Starting With Christ,
Joshua
Sunday, August 25, 2013
Conquering Sin!
*DISCLAIMER* This post contains content somewhat more explicit in nature than my normal posts and I will be being completely open, just a heads up. *DISCLAIMER*
How do I approach and handle temptations, struggles, and times I fail? How do I approach and handle the times where I'm doing well and following God? A book I've been reading recently has shown me several things about those questions. If you haven't noticed the theme of books and how they make me think then let me point it out to you. A good book can make you look at something from someone else's perspective or in a light you'd never seen before. This is one of the reasons I write, because it's possible I might be able to do that to somebody. One day.
Anyway, back to the book. Simply put, it is the book of Hosea from the Bible turned into a story and set in the gold rush era of the 1850's. If the first thing you think of when I say that it's a book of the Bible turned into a story is that it sounds boring, I would recommend that you get your hands on this book and tell me when you're done with it how boring it was. The name of the book is Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers, although a word of caution, it has some more grown up themes and portrays them in an honest light so proceed with care.
If you are unfamiliar with the book of Hosea, then I'll give you a brief synopsis. The book of Hosea is about the prophet Hosea who God calls to get married. Now this might shock you a little bit, but God calls him to marry a woman out of prostitution named Gomer. Not exactly the model wife many people are looking for when they feel like God wants them to get married. But that is far from the end of the end of the book; she leaves Hosea and goes back to prostitution. God calls Hosea to bring her back and to restore her to her place as his wife. It doesn't end there; she leaves him again for prostitution. Again he's called to bring her back and restore her. Again she leaves and he chases after her. At this point you might think Hosea's mad and God's cruel, but God's plan is much greater than this. He is trying to show Israel that they have been Gomer to God, constantly leaving Him to go back to their previous sins.
Now that the base work has been set, let's dive in!
I'd like to say starting off that this isn't my first time reading this book, and to me this is a testament about the power of story and the power of truth. But as I've been reading through this time something has been hitting me hard, and I can't help but identify with Angel, Hosea's wife in Redeeming Love, at what I feel and how I deal with it. In the story Hosea loves Angel unconditionally even when she is unfaithful, and because of her past Angel feels unworthy of this love and doesn't believe it can last, thinking sooner or later things will go back to how they used to because they always have.
This is where I fall in. In the times that I'm following God and doing well spiritually, I think, "This can't last, sooner or later I'm going to fall." This comes from past experience after past experience, every time I gain a foothold over the sin that so easily creeps into my life it crumbles and I go right back to where I was. A few years ago I fall into it and wallow in it as well as my grief, and up till now I've started repenting and turning back to God as soon as I fall. Ironically this is incredibly similar to how the story goes with Angel. When she's restored to Hosea and forgiven she still thinks, "This won't last, what I once was I always will be."
For the sake of being open and honest I'll share what's on my heart. I've struggled with masturbation and pornography since the beginning of high school, they are struggles that once engrained are incredibly hard to get rid of. Many times I have been able to put them behind me, sometimes for long periods of time, but I keep looking forward to the next time I fall, trying to avoid it at all costs. But fall I do. Then I let God pick me back up and keep going, trying again not to fall.
But there's something really cool about the story, it shows me something I know in a way that applies to something I don't know. Angel can be free, she can be free of her past if she simply asks for forgiveness from the One who can and will forgive those who ask, and the One who renews us and gives us a new start. Then it hit me. God's done the same thing for me. Now it's easy to nod and say yes, of course God's given me a new start, but I'm still going to fall because this can't last, it's who I was and sooner or later I'll fall. Or even simply saying, I'm just human.
But it's not true! God's changed us and now we don't have to be our old selves anymore! It's something I've seen in the story and God's shown me through it in the past week. He's shown me that He's greater than sin, He Loves me more than I'll ever know, and I am new, there is no more old me anymore. I used to think of my past and how I'd failed, then look to the future when I'd fail again. I of course hid it behind trying to do better and telling myself I didn't want to fall and so I had to know how not to. But as I kept my focus on not failing I lost focus on the only one that keep me from failing, Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit in me.
So where does this leave me now? I still have this habit I've formed over the years of looking back and even though I'm free of sin I still have the habits I've made. Well it's time to break some habits! The cool thing is, I can never sin again. Now the logical side of me jumps in here and says, "Well yes, you CAN not sin again, but because of your flesh you likely will..." Well I'm sick of that. I'm done with being logical for a change. I have God in me and He's given me freedom from sin, I can never sin again through His grace. So what do I do with these old habits? Well first off I need to recenter myself on the one thing that matters, God. So whenever I feel my desires rising within me, seeking immediate gratification, I'm going to turn to the Bible. Instead of seeking something that I think will fill the need I have, I will seek that which I know is enough for any need I may have.
Now this is easier said than done,...aaaand there's that logical side of me coming out again. I thought I told you to leave! Well, being honest, without that logical side messing me up, I can't do this on my own. I have a tendency to be quite self reliant, and this is something I won't be able to do on my own, I've tried before. But I have God in me, the Holy Spirit, I have an advocate before the the Father, Jesus Christ, and I have a Father in heaven who Loves me and will not try to make me stumble. So I look forward without looking back, I look forward with a hope and confidence that's not in myself but in one far greater than me, and I look forward to the joy and growth God has for me as close as tomorrow and as far away as my last breath on earth! And I step onward to the struggles of today and the sanctification that only Jesus brings!
Stepping Forward in Faith, Not in Failure,
Joshua
Friday, August 23, 2013
The Power of Prayer
Well I just finished the book This Present Darkness by Frank Peretti. If you haven't hear of either the book or the author I would recommend you looking them up, as Frank Peretti is a phenomenal author and the book is extremely well done.
While the book is amazing and the whole story is something I could write about, a very particular part of it stuck out to me.
Meet Hank Busche, a pastor in a small town that the book revolves around, he's a man of God and one thing you find out about him pretty quickly is that he prays. He prays as he mows the church lawn, he prays as he's walking, he prays for those in his church as there is a vote of confidence about him coming up, and he prays in his home with his wife. Even though he isn't always actually praying, he is constantly listening to the Holy Spirit's prompting and is willing to drop on his knees at the drop of a hat.
And that's what starts the whole book. When you get to the end of the book you find out that his one prayer couldn't have won the war. But it did, his one prayer is what won the war because it was him praying that started the war. This one man's prayers are what brought the host of heaven into the battle for the town.
One man. One praying man. One man interceding in prayer for the town and laboring as the Spirit led him. That's all it takes. One man brought revival.
-
But he didn't. He didn't bring revival. He failed, he messed up, and he couldn't handle it. It was only the Spirit of God that changed hearts, the Name of Jesus that cast out demons, and the plan of God that worked out a marvelous victory. And that's not something that can be overlooked, glossed over, or made light of. Yet God used one man to start change, a revival even.
This floored me, the man didn't even do it all himself and he wasn't the object of the story, but God used his faith and actions to change a town and the hearts and lives of those there.
And that's when God asked me, "Are you ready and willing to change the lives and hearts of those around you? Are you ready to be the push that starts an avalanche? Are you ready to step out in faith?" I wasn't quite sure what to say at that moment. My first thoughts were along the lines of, "Well how can I do that? I know you use us to accomplish your tasks, but I'm no pastor, I'm just a broken man. Do my prayers really have that kind of impact?" The resounding answer was yes. In fact I know it's my prayers that matter, not on my own but as I join with the saints and we petition the Lord and cast our burdens on Him, as we pray for those around us, and as we humble ourselves to be used by God.
Something happened to me after I finished the book, I realized that revival wouldn't start without me. Now not to say that it will only take me or that I am this special tipping force, but when I think that it's someone else's job or my prayers have no effect and that they're powerless is when nothing will happen. But this extends to you, if it takes just one man to start a revival and just one man to start a war then what are you doing? Are you on your knees praying for that revival, praying for those around you that need help? Well if you are there's one more step, well one more of many. You need to step out in faith and start being the revival you're praying for. You need to serve those around you, seek to help and grow them closer to Christ, and encourage those around you to do the same.
This is when the revival starts, with one person praying. One person interceding. With one person humbling themselves and serving.
This is where revival starts, with you, and with me. I'm starting. Starting to to pray for the town I'm in, the people I'm around, and the hearts I can't see.
Revival's not going to come because we are good speakers, we have well thought out services, or we are culturally relevant. Change is going to start with dropping on our knees and interceding before God for those around us, being burdened for the lost and being willing to serve wherever God's called you.
The revival starts here. The revival starts now. Now is the time to fall on your knees. Now is the time to serve those around you. Now is the time for the Spirit to work, and we have the privilege and the burden to be the ones asking the Father to move. We have the privilege and the burden to be the ones used by God to move.
One Man on His Knees,
Joshua
While the book is amazing and the whole story is something I could write about, a very particular part of it stuck out to me.
Meet Hank Busche, a pastor in a small town that the book revolves around, he's a man of God and one thing you find out about him pretty quickly is that he prays. He prays as he mows the church lawn, he prays as he's walking, he prays for those in his church as there is a vote of confidence about him coming up, and he prays in his home with his wife. Even though he isn't always actually praying, he is constantly listening to the Holy Spirit's prompting and is willing to drop on his knees at the drop of a hat.
And that's what starts the whole book. When you get to the end of the book you find out that his one prayer couldn't have won the war. But it did, his one prayer is what won the war because it was him praying that started the war. This one man's prayers are what brought the host of heaven into the battle for the town.
One man. One praying man. One man interceding in prayer for the town and laboring as the Spirit led him. That's all it takes. One man brought revival.
-
But he didn't. He didn't bring revival. He failed, he messed up, and he couldn't handle it. It was only the Spirit of God that changed hearts, the Name of Jesus that cast out demons, and the plan of God that worked out a marvelous victory. And that's not something that can be overlooked, glossed over, or made light of. Yet God used one man to start change, a revival even.
This floored me, the man didn't even do it all himself and he wasn't the object of the story, but God used his faith and actions to change a town and the hearts and lives of those there.
And that's when God asked me, "Are you ready and willing to change the lives and hearts of those around you? Are you ready to be the push that starts an avalanche? Are you ready to step out in faith?" I wasn't quite sure what to say at that moment. My first thoughts were along the lines of, "Well how can I do that? I know you use us to accomplish your tasks, but I'm no pastor, I'm just a broken man. Do my prayers really have that kind of impact?" The resounding answer was yes. In fact I know it's my prayers that matter, not on my own but as I join with the saints and we petition the Lord and cast our burdens on Him, as we pray for those around us, and as we humble ourselves to be used by God.
Something happened to me after I finished the book, I realized that revival wouldn't start without me. Now not to say that it will only take me or that I am this special tipping force, but when I think that it's someone else's job or my prayers have no effect and that they're powerless is when nothing will happen. But this extends to you, if it takes just one man to start a revival and just one man to start a war then what are you doing? Are you on your knees praying for that revival, praying for those around you that need help? Well if you are there's one more step, well one more of many. You need to step out in faith and start being the revival you're praying for. You need to serve those around you, seek to help and grow them closer to Christ, and encourage those around you to do the same.
This is when the revival starts, with one person praying. One person interceding. With one person humbling themselves and serving.
This is where revival starts, with you, and with me. I'm starting. Starting to to pray for the town I'm in, the people I'm around, and the hearts I can't see.
Revival's not going to come because we are good speakers, we have well thought out services, or we are culturally relevant. Change is going to start with dropping on our knees and interceding before God for those around us, being burdened for the lost and being willing to serve wherever God's called you.
The revival starts here. The revival starts now. Now is the time to fall on your knees. Now is the time to serve those around you. Now is the time for the Spirit to work, and we have the privilege and the burden to be the ones asking the Father to move. We have the privilege and the burden to be the ones used by God to move.
One Man on His Knees,
Joshua
Friday, August 16, 2013
Coming Undone
Come undone,
Surrender is stronger
I don't need to be the hero tonight
We all want Love
We all want Honor
Nobody wants to pay the asking price
This has been running through my head in the past few days. I have been looking forward to Cornerstone for the past couple weeks and how God will use me this year. But as I look at everything that's going on in preparation for college and think about what I'll be doing there I have a profound sense of...pointlessness. Why am I spending my time and money to get an education so I can get a job and make money and live a life. Why is that what I'm trying to do? There are still people who haven't heard the gospel, there are people that need to be discipled, and there are people that are willing to listen. Why am I not trying to reach out to them? Instead I'm trying to get a piece of paper saying I learned something useful.
That's how I feel right now. Very much not wanting to be where I'm at.
But this is where God has me, He's shown me time and time again He's providing for me and has a plan for me. But I don't want to be here, I want to be out reaching out to others! I am willing to go and serve, I am willing to do whatever God tells me, I am willing to no longer be comfortable. But where am I, living in comfort and luxury while my brothers and sisters suffer for their faith and while people die never even knowing about Christ.
This is pulling my heart apart, I feel like I'm supposed to be here but I want to be there!
Then my mind goes back to that song, that chorus.
Come undone,I need to stop trying to figure this out, "Come undone," I need to stop wanting to do something and let God's will work though me, "Surrender is stronger," and even though I want to be the one bringing the gospel to those people right now it's not my place, "I don't need to be the hero tonight."
Surrender is stronger
I don't need to be the hero tonight
I don't like it. It feels so hard to hear about the possibility to serve while I'm planning to go to school, live in a comfortable room, eat three meals a day, and have my biggest worry be whether or not I'll get an A or a B in my classes. Everything around me is so comfortable that I am no longer comfortable here. Yet, this is where I am. This is where God's put me. I will follow His direction and guidance to Love those around me, encourage them to pursue Christ, and be waiting on His next directions. No matter if they are to be a servant to those here or to head overseas to be a servant there. I can serve in both places(But between you and me, I'd rather be overseas).
So as I look at this mess I am reminded of a verse, Matthew 16:24
"Then Jesus said to His disciples, “If anyone wishes to come after Me, he must deny himself, and take up his cross and follow Me."Oddly enough what sticks out to me right now about this verse is not what is normally taken out of it; I hear God telling me that I must deny MY desires right now and focus on His plans for me in the here and now, not desire to be overseas and serving there. God has a plan for me here and instead of wanting to be overseas serving I need to follow His lead and serve those here right now. Never thought God'd be talking me out of going overseas right now, but here's praying He's calling me there in the future!
Struggling to Serve In the Here and Now,
Joshua
Wednesday, August 14, 2013
Even the Rocks Cry Out His Glory
So if you haven't been keeping up with me lately I am currently cleaning out my life, both metaphorically and physically. Today has been no exception, getting rid of a stuffed trash bag of clothes and throwing even more junk out. But as I was sorting through stuff I had brought back form camp I came across a rock. For those that are curious, I had a rather large rock collection before this week; I like shiny, sparkly, and unusual things, and rocks are no exception. However, it has rapidly dwindled down to a mere handful that might even disappear before this week's out. The rock I found from camp had been given to me by someone asking me to describe it. Now this rock is rather plain, slightly oddly shaped, and totally devoid of anything that would have made me pick it up if it had been me; however, it hadn't been me and I gave it my best try. I sat looking at it for some time actually, trying to find some feature of the rock to expound upon and bring out its beauty. But in the end I found essentially nothing, an incredibly small area that sparkled being the only part that stood out to me but, as a whole, that sparkly part faded in comparison to the ugliness of the rest of the rock.
So I went to describe the rock to them with nothing good to really say about it. I don't remember the conversation perfectly, just that I said the rock had no redeeming qualities but because someone had given it value it was now worth something. I went on to say that I was going to keep it and some day in the future it would be put in some place important.
So today as I picked it up I wondered what to do with it, it isn't necessary at all and I'd thrown out many more worthy rocks in the past couple days. The thought to toss it crossed my mind but it was replaced by the fact I said I'd keep it and the promise I'd made to the rock that it'd placed in a place of importance. So what did I do, well as any good person would do I wrote up a contract of sorts and signed it. The contract goes like this-
First off we are the rock, if this is where your mind went to instantly then good job but it keeps going. In and of ourselves we are worthless to God, perhaps there are those few good work we tote as our badge of "generosity" or "selflessness" that are the sparkly part of our lives, but when you actually look at our lives as a whole we are ugly and worthless. In everything we do we can't get anywhere, make ourselves worth something, or make ourselves seen by those passing by. And even if we are seen, if we're not pretty, people keep walking. Sound bleak yet? Still going. We are open to the elements of life that wear us away until we are ground into the dirt that people walk on every day.
At this point I don't like being compared to a rock, it can hit far too close to home sometimes. But it doesn't have to end there. You see this rock had something special happen to it, even though it wasn't pretty, useful, or needed it was chosen. This is just the start. This rock wasn't just picked up and pocketed, it was given a purpose and given worth. Right now that actually sounds rather appealing.
From there it gets even better. The rock was examined for anything worthy in and of itself, and was found lacking; however, despite its lack of worth, it was given worth and it was given a special spot in my heart. It was taken under my protection and my care, well metaphorically speaking, and I made a purpose for it that would put it in a place of importance in the future. It was promised this and it was given proof that it will be carried out, on my word.
If you haven't gotten it by now I am talking about our relationship to God. We are utterly worthless to Him and He still chooses to use us and give us worth. We have no strength on our own to get to a place of worth but He gives us the strength by leading and carrying us there.
My mind breaks things down and cross examines stuff to the extreme, it's part of my personality and how my mind works. At times it can be a hard to deal with but in this case as I kept looking at how rich of an example this is I was left floored. I am a gray smudge on the ground amidst a million other gray smudges, but God reached down and picked me up, giving me a purpose and giving me worth. He didn't merely pocket me, He promised me a place of importance and promised to guide and carry me there. Now I must follow Him with everything I have. I guess this is where the analogy breaks down, nothing's perfect.
But that's what God showed me as I looked upon a piece of worthless stone, I saw myself reflected in its dull gray exterior. This is what awed me, this mere piece of our planet is bringing glory to its creator by simply pointing me to what the God of the universe did for me. To me, now, the stones shall always cry out the glory of God.
Constantly In Awe of My God,
Joshua
So I went to describe the rock to them with nothing good to really say about it. I don't remember the conversation perfectly, just that I said the rock had no redeeming qualities but because someone had given it value it was now worth something. I went on to say that I was going to keep it and some day in the future it would be put in some place important.
So today as I picked it up I wondered what to do with it, it isn't necessary at all and I'd thrown out many more worthy rocks in the past couple days. The thought to toss it crossed my mind but it was replaced by the fact I said I'd keep it and the promise I'd made to the rock that it'd placed in a place of importance. So what did I do, well as any good person would do I wrote up a contract of sorts and signed it. The contract goes like this-
Destined for something greater than its circumstances, this rock has a place among kings not because of its worth but because of the worth given it by the one who holds it. It will not get there on its own strength but by the strength given it.
This rock shall be given a place of importance.
Joshua Falk: Joshua FalkNow this might have seemed somewhat childish, but as I finished writing this up I was suddenly struck by a little something I like to call "Biblical application," which I see everywhere. One of those curses/blessings of being a writer and seeing everything through a different lens. Usually Biblical application is something corny but true that pertains to the circumstances at hand, but this time I stopped as I examined all the different facets of what it meant.
First off we are the rock, if this is where your mind went to instantly then good job but it keeps going. In and of ourselves we are worthless to God, perhaps there are those few good work we tote as our badge of "generosity" or "selflessness" that are the sparkly part of our lives, but when you actually look at our lives as a whole we are ugly and worthless. In everything we do we can't get anywhere, make ourselves worth something, or make ourselves seen by those passing by. And even if we are seen, if we're not pretty, people keep walking. Sound bleak yet? Still going. We are open to the elements of life that wear us away until we are ground into the dirt that people walk on every day.
At this point I don't like being compared to a rock, it can hit far too close to home sometimes. But it doesn't have to end there. You see this rock had something special happen to it, even though it wasn't pretty, useful, or needed it was chosen. This is just the start. This rock wasn't just picked up and pocketed, it was given a purpose and given worth. Right now that actually sounds rather appealing.
From there it gets even better. The rock was examined for anything worthy in and of itself, and was found lacking; however, despite its lack of worth, it was given worth and it was given a special spot in my heart. It was taken under my protection and my care, well metaphorically speaking, and I made a purpose for it that would put it in a place of importance in the future. It was promised this and it was given proof that it will be carried out, on my word.
If you haven't gotten it by now I am talking about our relationship to God. We are utterly worthless to Him and He still chooses to use us and give us worth. We have no strength on our own to get to a place of worth but He gives us the strength by leading and carrying us there.
My mind breaks things down and cross examines stuff to the extreme, it's part of my personality and how my mind works. At times it can be a hard to deal with but in this case as I kept looking at how rich of an example this is I was left floored. I am a gray smudge on the ground amidst a million other gray smudges, but God reached down and picked me up, giving me a purpose and giving me worth. He didn't merely pocket me, He promised me a place of importance and promised to guide and carry me there. Now I must follow Him with everything I have. I guess this is where the analogy breaks down, nothing's perfect.
But that's what God showed me as I looked upon a piece of worthless stone, I saw myself reflected in its dull gray exterior. This is what awed me, this mere piece of our planet is bringing glory to its creator by simply pointing me to what the God of the universe did for me. To me, now, the stones shall always cry out the glory of God.
But Jesus answered, “I tell you ... the stones will cry out!” - Luke 19:40
Constantly In Awe of My God,
Joshua
Tuesday, August 13, 2013
Past Words of Wisdom to the Future
So I went through my room today and started to get rid of everything I don't need and and don't use(the reasons behind this could be a post unto themselves, but for now I'll focus on what I found while digging through piles of junk). As I was throwing stuff out left and right I stumbled across two very interesting things that I haven't read in a very long time. The first was a letter I had written to myself several years ago as part of a youth group I went to when I was in high school, and the second were my journals from when I was young up until now.
Now if that isn't a recipe for disaster I don't know what is, haha. Well they started back in 2002 when I was about nine and there wasn't much to glean from those pages, to say the least. Simple entries of having fun and who I hung out with were all that filled those pages(and also, I'm ashamed to admit, who I had a crush on). This pretty much continued for the next six years, with my spelling and grammar only improving minutely, and while it was interesting to see how I changed over the years I didn't seem to grow much. Then there's a gap, from mid 2008 to the beginning of 2011 there's nothing written. As I read that first entry after two and a half years of silence, something instantly jumped out at me; I had changed.
The instant reaction is sure, after two and a half years everyone changes. But this wasn't an increase in maturity or intellect, it was a change of focus. I was no longer writing about what I did and the fun I had, but about how I'd grown and what I still had to grow into. This is a result of the summer before I started writing again, which was when I accepted Jesus as the savior of my life and started to follow Him.
Now this seems nice and all but what's the point? Well as I looked at my writing from two years ago, both in my journal and in the letter I'd written to myself, I saw something that truly shocked me. What I wrote rang with a truth that hit me even as I read it now. Now I find this strange because when I wrote it I wasn't following God, I was struggling with several major problems that kept me from fully following Him. If I went back two years and half years to when I was writing this I would appalled at how I was living and calling myself a follower of Christ; however, I had surrendered my life to Christ and even though I wasn't following Him fully, His truth was in me and that's what He guided me to write.
That's the beginning of what God showed me in the words of the spiritual baby I was, that truth never changes. I might have been following God halfway, but if He is in me then His truth is in me and that truth never changes. So what did I write down you may ask, well that's a great question. And, since this blog is about my thoughts, I will let you see some of what I was writing.
There is so much more, so many more problems I've gone through and again God gets me though as He draws me closer to Himself. When I finished reading my journal I sat back and thought for a good few minutes thinking about how God used my own struggles in my past to remind me about how He'll get me through my future struggles. He showed me that truth is far from relative; even when I didn't understand it or when I applied it in a different way, His truth is unchanging and will be useful to me no matter how old I am.
Well that was my journal, so what about the letter you might be asking. Or maybe you're thinking this has been long enough, well you're getting both barrels so buckle up or get off.
I then picked up the letter and opened it more out of curiosity than anything else. The exercise at youth group was to write a letter to yourself in a year and give yourself advice then from yourself now. So I had already read the letter last year and I didn't think this was going to be anything more than pleasant nostalgia. I was wrong. Here is what I wrote.
Well to close this up I have a couple things to say:
~First, if you feel a prompting that you think you should do this whole letter to yourself thing I would absolutely encourage you to do it! It's best to put it in the hand of someone you trust and you know will remember it in a year. And if you do write it, take your time; write realizing what you struggle with and how you'll need to be encouraged in a year and what you think you'll be facing then. Don't be ambiguous, be specific and if it doesn't apply in a year you can praise God for how He's grown you since then!
~Second, if you want someone to hold onto the letter for you I would be more than happy to! Now if you don't know me well enough or don't feel comfortable with me holding onto it, that's fine; I'm just offering my help. If you choose to accept my offer please try to get a handwritten letter into my hand and address it to where you want it to go in a year or instructions to contact you when I'm supposed to deliver it, and I'll take care of the rest. If you want to go with an electronic copy I'll work with that too(even though I'd strongly suggest a handwritten copy) and will send it to you a year after you get it to me.
~Thirdly, you'll have to excuse me, as I am going to write a letter to myself that I won't see for a year. Just so you know I am taking this to heart, I am planning on seeing where God has me in a year and how He's going to use me between now and then. I don't know what condition I will receive the letter I'm about to write in, will I be closer to God or father away? Will I have gotten past the struggles I'm going to write about or will it hit me close to home again? I honestly don't know and I'm really excited! If this goes as I hope it's going to, this letter will remind me of my passion for God as I head into my senior year and help me to finish college with my focus where it should be, on Christ and Christ alone!
Taking My Words Back to the Future,
Joshua
Now if that isn't a recipe for disaster I don't know what is, haha. Well they started back in 2002 when I was about nine and there wasn't much to glean from those pages, to say the least. Simple entries of having fun and who I hung out with were all that filled those pages(and also, I'm ashamed to admit, who I had a crush on). This pretty much continued for the next six years, with my spelling and grammar only improving minutely, and while it was interesting to see how I changed over the years I didn't seem to grow much. Then there's a gap, from mid 2008 to the beginning of 2011 there's nothing written. As I read that first entry after two and a half years of silence, something instantly jumped out at me; I had changed.
The instant reaction is sure, after two and a half years everyone changes. But this wasn't an increase in maturity or intellect, it was a change of focus. I was no longer writing about what I did and the fun I had, but about how I'd grown and what I still had to grow into. This is a result of the summer before I started writing again, which was when I accepted Jesus as the savior of my life and started to follow Him.
Now this seems nice and all but what's the point? Well as I looked at my writing from two years ago, both in my journal and in the letter I'd written to myself, I saw something that truly shocked me. What I wrote rang with a truth that hit me even as I read it now. Now I find this strange because when I wrote it I wasn't following God, I was struggling with several major problems that kept me from fully following Him. If I went back two years and half years to when I was writing this I would appalled at how I was living and calling myself a follower of Christ; however, I had surrendered my life to Christ and even though I wasn't following Him fully, His truth was in me and that's what He guided me to write.
That's the beginning of what God showed me in the words of the spiritual baby I was, that truth never changes. I might have been following God halfway, but if He is in me then His truth is in me and that truth never changes. So what did I write down you may ask, well that's a great question. And, since this blog is about my thoughts, I will let you see some of what I was writing.
"What is Love? Is it a feeling, is it an act, is it a commitment? When one says one Loves, can they know the depth of what they're saying? These thoughts have been plaguing me for the past month."Well isn't that deep? Hehe, well perhaps i'm being mildly sarcastic, but, as I look at the words written and remember how I was feeling then, it starts to dawn on me just how true this snippet is and how I am still asking this, though perhaps in a slightly different way. I stopped there and blinked, was I talking to myself in the future? I felt that those words I'd written two and a half years ago spoke to what I am working through right now. Then I blinked and continued on, slightly put off by how close to home my own words were hitting.
"This is getting hard to stand, is God testing me? I will continue to trust in Him even though I can't understand it. Why does everything seem to put me back with my problems even though they don't want to have anything to do with me."While I like to think I'm past having trouble trusting God, He's incredibly good at pointing out just how often I fail at letting Him control my life and lead me. Which He's been doing plenty of in the past month. At this point I was starting to be very confused, did I write this two years ago or yesterday? It didn't take very long before I started to get the feeling God was trying to show me something. So I started to read on, wondering what was around the next page.
"So much has changed, can we with words describe the infinite power of God? It will never be! What I had thought to be sad, God has turned to joy, what I had thought bad, God has made perfect. How great is His glory! By the end of the week God turned my problems around and healed the brokenness. At that point the pieces fell together and I finally understood God's plan for why He had not let me go to Barakel. This was why, to learn and grow in a way I only could here."I'm starting to get excited now! God's got my best in mind and even when it seems like He's not letting me do the best thing for me, He secretly(or, actually, not secretly at all) is working in ways beyond my understanding to grow me closer to Him.
There is so much more, so many more problems I've gone through and again God gets me though as He draws me closer to Himself. When I finished reading my journal I sat back and thought for a good few minutes thinking about how God used my own struggles in my past to remind me about how He'll get me through my future struggles. He showed me that truth is far from relative; even when I didn't understand it or when I applied it in a different way, His truth is unchanging and will be useful to me no matter how old I am.
Well that was my journal, so what about the letter you might be asking. Or maybe you're thinking this has been long enough, well you're getting both barrels so buckle up or get off.
I then picked up the letter and opened it more out of curiosity than anything else. The exercise at youth group was to write a letter to yourself in a year and give yourself advice then from yourself now. So I had already read the letter last year and I didn't think this was going to be anything more than pleasant nostalgia. I was wrong. Here is what I wrote.
"Well, it's next semester soon and you're about to face many new challenges, both spiritual and academically. You've seen the kind of people there, how they act and how they live, and I challenge you to stand out. I by no means am saying do something stupid or crazy(although you'll likely do both), I am simply saying to not let your windows grow dim or dirty. The light that is in you is powerful and needs to be shone. This being said, work your hardest, Love the fullest, and laugh the most(people will wonder what you're up to). Also, don't fall prey to what you found out last year kept you under. With your heart, guard it well, for God has someone out there and you simply have to find her. Of course that doesn't mean to not be on the lookout or to not pursue anyone, it simply means that in all you pursue let God guide you and keep Him your central focus. Always remember that you are different and it's a good thing, don't let what others say affect how you act or what you think.
Constantly remember, laugh often, care always, Love fully, and never give up on...???
Sincerely, Joshua Falk
P.S. If she's the one, it won't be quick, easy, or overly emotional."So, wait. That was supposed to be to me last year? I needed that right now, and I'm sure I'll need that next year! Truth doesn't change. It could have been a year ago I first read this, but in ten or even twenty years this would still be just as valuable and helpful to read as it just was. Now I will concede this, it could do with some rewording; however, I easily overlook that in light of the potential power it contains. Going into this upcoming semester I really needed that and I am now excited to see what I can do and who I'm going to impact as I let light inside shine!
Well to close this up I have a couple things to say:
~First, if you feel a prompting that you think you should do this whole letter to yourself thing I would absolutely encourage you to do it! It's best to put it in the hand of someone you trust and you know will remember it in a year. And if you do write it, take your time; write realizing what you struggle with and how you'll need to be encouraged in a year and what you think you'll be facing then. Don't be ambiguous, be specific and if it doesn't apply in a year you can praise God for how He's grown you since then!
~Second, if you want someone to hold onto the letter for you I would be more than happy to! Now if you don't know me well enough or don't feel comfortable with me holding onto it, that's fine; I'm just offering my help. If you choose to accept my offer please try to get a handwritten letter into my hand and address it to where you want it to go in a year or instructions to contact you when I'm supposed to deliver it, and I'll take care of the rest. If you want to go with an electronic copy I'll work with that too(even though I'd strongly suggest a handwritten copy) and will send it to you a year after you get it to me.
~Thirdly, you'll have to excuse me, as I am going to write a letter to myself that I won't see for a year. Just so you know I am taking this to heart, I am planning on seeing where God has me in a year and how He's going to use me between now and then. I don't know what condition I will receive the letter I'm about to write in, will I be closer to God or father away? Will I have gotten past the struggles I'm going to write about or will it hit me close to home again? I honestly don't know and I'm really excited! If this goes as I hope it's going to, this letter will remind me of my passion for God as I head into my senior year and help me to finish college with my focus where it should be, on Christ and Christ alone!
Taking My Words Back to the Future,
Joshua
Wednesday, August 7, 2013
Post Campocalypse
Well for those of you that didn't know I've been at camp for the past couple months, what I've learned over the course of the summer is kinda up on my blog but to tell all of it would take a lot more than a blog could ever say. But now that I'm out of camp and out of an environment of growth and discipleship, life's already fallen into a rut and I find myself wondering what's next?
Well I know what's next, right? I'm heading off to college for my junior year at Cornerstone University. But right now I'm wondering what's beyond that, or ever what's between then and now. I simply feel like I'm doing nothing and I have nothing of worth to do, sitting in front of a computer writing, working, and playing video games. Grand stuff. I'm just feeling so useless right now. But I'm not. That's someone talking to me that I shouldn't be listening to. As soon as I surrender to the fact I can't do anything until college starts up I am cutting God off from working in my life and being open to His promptings and directions.
So what can I do now? Sitting here with little ability to get into the outside world seems like a place that I can't reach out from. But that too is a lie. I have one of the best ways to change the world around me right here, prayer. I have an audience before The King of Kings through the Holy Spirit when I pray. I can move mountains, change hearts, and strengthen others all through prayer! Why do I think I am somehow doing something worthwhile when I'm running around busy with work than when I'm on my knees interceding for those around me? It's because I like seeing things get done, and honestly prayer for others doesn't usually bring instant or sometimes even visible results. But this summer has shown me how much prayer is a completely fundamental part of every believer's life. And not just praying for a meal or sending up a prayer for a friend, but pouring your soul out to the Lord pleading and interceding for those around you. I've never felt so alive as I do when I spend a good twenty minutes pouring my heart out for someone before God. The feeling that you're standing before the God of the universe and laying open your heart to Him is amazing, but what's even better is that at the end I know He heard me and will answer my prayer in ways more wonderful than I could ever imagine.
Wow, and I haven't even touched on encouraging others who are pushing through the same as you are. I'll leave that for another day, but if we all as a body started interceding for each other and encouraging each other would we ever run into times when we're feeling useless? Quite probably, yes; however, I would think that no matter where we were God would show us just how much we're needed and how much He's using us even when we feel like we're doing nothing.
So to close this up, leaving camp is hard. I'm no longer easily seeking God and I no longer have an 'easy' goal in sight. It takes time, intentionaality, and the willingness to do some pretty radical things to stay on fire for Him after leaving camp, but it's possible, He's showing me how this very moment and I hope He's showing you too. Because no matter where we are God can use us in amazing ways that we may not see at the moment or perhaps ever, but if you're following Him be assured He's using you.
Surviving the Post Campocalypse,
Joshua
Well I know what's next, right? I'm heading off to college for my junior year at Cornerstone University. But right now I'm wondering what's beyond that, or ever what's between then and now. I simply feel like I'm doing nothing and I have nothing of worth to do, sitting in front of a computer writing, working, and playing video games. Grand stuff. I'm just feeling so useless right now. But I'm not. That's someone talking to me that I shouldn't be listening to. As soon as I surrender to the fact I can't do anything until college starts up I am cutting God off from working in my life and being open to His promptings and directions.
So what can I do now? Sitting here with little ability to get into the outside world seems like a place that I can't reach out from. But that too is a lie. I have one of the best ways to change the world around me right here, prayer. I have an audience before The King of Kings through the Holy Spirit when I pray. I can move mountains, change hearts, and strengthen others all through prayer! Why do I think I am somehow doing something worthwhile when I'm running around busy with work than when I'm on my knees interceding for those around me? It's because I like seeing things get done, and honestly prayer for others doesn't usually bring instant or sometimes even visible results. But this summer has shown me how much prayer is a completely fundamental part of every believer's life. And not just praying for a meal or sending up a prayer for a friend, but pouring your soul out to the Lord pleading and interceding for those around you. I've never felt so alive as I do when I spend a good twenty minutes pouring my heart out for someone before God. The feeling that you're standing before the God of the universe and laying open your heart to Him is amazing, but what's even better is that at the end I know He heard me and will answer my prayer in ways more wonderful than I could ever imagine.
Wow, and I haven't even touched on encouraging others who are pushing through the same as you are. I'll leave that for another day, but if we all as a body started interceding for each other and encouraging each other would we ever run into times when we're feeling useless? Quite probably, yes; however, I would think that no matter where we were God would show us just how much we're needed and how much He's using us even when we feel like we're doing nothing.
So to close this up, leaving camp is hard. I'm no longer easily seeking God and I no longer have an 'easy' goal in sight. It takes time, intentionaality, and the willingness to do some pretty radical things to stay on fire for Him after leaving camp, but it's possible, He's showing me how this very moment and I hope He's showing you too. Because no matter where we are God can use us in amazing ways that we may not see at the moment or perhaps ever, but if you're following Him be assured He's using you.
Surviving the Post Campocalypse,
Joshua
Sunday, July 28, 2013
Leaving for Africa
Guess who's going overseas, this guy! Now to everyone who's completely flabbergasted it's okay; I honestly don't know when yet, this is kind of a new thing, and I'm pretty sure God wants me to complete school first. However I have been told by God I am going to Africa in the near future. What brings on this revelation? Well two things, myself and a book.
Let's start with myself. I grew up in a home where the Bible was emphasized and we were steered towards Christ. We were taken to church for Sparkies, TnT, bible studies, and twice on Sunday. Through all this the fact that we needed missionaries was talked about and even emphasized, but it was only for those that were "called." So growing up I told myself that I wasn't called and that God didn't lay a desire on my heart to go to the world. I told myself this because I didn't want to feel uncomfortable, I didn't want to leave my nice, quite life, and I didn't want to do the hard things. If you know much about dealing with God, a surefire way to not get what you want is to tell Him what you're not willing to give up for Him. These will be some of the first strongholds in your life He takes down so you are willing to be completely used by Him. Ironically enough I wrote a song when I first got into songwriting about missions and then shelved it with my other first projects and forgot about it. Recently God called it at random into my memory and I dug it up. As I listened to it I was shown just how much I was holding back from God displayed in my own words that I'd recorded years earlier-
The next part of this was a book I just finished. The title of the book is Radical by David Platt. I was not a connoisseur of Christian literature before this, mostly because I doubted they had much to say other than opinions which I wasn't looking for. But this book threw me for a loop and, I will be honest, it put my head on straight. It opened my eyes to what it means to live out Christianity in a way that I haven't heard anywhere else and then challenged me to step out in faith with what I'd just learned.
The last part is a friend of mine. You might be like, "Wait, you only said two things not three, what this have to do with anything?" Well first off the friend gave me the book. But more importantly she shared her experiences overseas with me in a way that laid the wood for the fire God would kindle in my heart for missions over the course of the past month.
When you combine all three of those you, it results in God calling me to serve. First He wants me to serve in Africa. I do not know what date I am leaving, I do not even know what year I'm leaving, but God has placed it on my heart and I feel it'll be soon, probably much sooner than I am expecting or wanting to leave.
I don't know what I'm going to be doing there, I don't know how I'm getting there, and I don't whether I'm going alone or not. I don't know if I'll come back or if I'll only be there a week. I don't know if this'll be a simple stepping stone to going to the whole world or simply opening my eyes to what God has for me all over the world and what my writing needs to reveal. The unknowns and uncertainties keep piling up as I look at them, but there is one thing I am sure of and I rest in. God will be glorified in my service of Him no matter what, because He is the only one worthy of serving.
Packed and Ready to Go,
Joshua
Let's start with myself. I grew up in a home where the Bible was emphasized and we were steered towards Christ. We were taken to church for Sparkies, TnT, bible studies, and twice on Sunday. Through all this the fact that we needed missionaries was talked about and even emphasized, but it was only for those that were "called." So growing up I told myself that I wasn't called and that God didn't lay a desire on my heart to go to the world. I told myself this because I didn't want to feel uncomfortable, I didn't want to leave my nice, quite life, and I didn't want to do the hard things. If you know much about dealing with God, a surefire way to not get what you want is to tell Him what you're not willing to give up for Him. These will be some of the first strongholds in your life He takes down so you are willing to be completely used by Him. Ironically enough I wrote a song when I first got into songwriting about missions and then shelved it with my other first projects and forgot about it. Recently God called it at random into my memory and I dug it up. As I listened to it I was shown just how much I was holding back from God displayed in my own words that I'd recorded years earlier-
Now it's a little rough around the edges, but it slapped me in the face. I wrote this whole song and I wasn't even willing to listen to it for anything more than how well I'd recorded it. This is me telling myself just how far I was willing to go for God, and that's when God showed me how much He had planned for me.Across the oceans wideThrough wind torn seasI look with my eyes and seeThe helpless the hopeless in needI feel the call of themI feel the burden on my heartTo go where there is needSo many these nightsDon't want to see the fightSo many are contentTo live for themselvesSo many don't understandWhat this could beIf they took a handTo help someone elseOther than themselves
The next part of this was a book I just finished. The title of the book is Radical by David Platt. I was not a connoisseur of Christian literature before this, mostly because I doubted they had much to say other than opinions which I wasn't looking for. But this book threw me for a loop and, I will be honest, it put my head on straight. It opened my eyes to what it means to live out Christianity in a way that I haven't heard anywhere else and then challenged me to step out in faith with what I'd just learned.
The last part is a friend of mine. You might be like, "Wait, you only said two things not three, what this have to do with anything?" Well first off the friend gave me the book. But more importantly she shared her experiences overseas with me in a way that laid the wood for the fire God would kindle in my heart for missions over the course of the past month.
When you combine all three of those you, it results in God calling me to serve. First He wants me to serve in Africa. I do not know what date I am leaving, I do not even know what year I'm leaving, but God has placed it on my heart and I feel it'll be soon, probably much sooner than I am expecting or wanting to leave.
I don't know what I'm going to be doing there, I don't know how I'm getting there, and I don't whether I'm going alone or not. I don't know if I'll come back or if I'll only be there a week. I don't know if this'll be a simple stepping stone to going to the whole world or simply opening my eyes to what God has for me all over the world and what my writing needs to reveal. The unknowns and uncertainties keep piling up as I look at them, but there is one thing I am sure of and I rest in. God will be glorified in my service of Him no matter what, because He is the only one worthy of serving.
Packed and Ready to Go,
Joshua
Saturday, July 27, 2013
Picking Up Where We Leave Off With Purity
*DISCLAIMER* This post contains content somewhat more explicit in nature than my normal posts and I will be being completely open, just a heads up. *DISCLAIMER*
The other day I was asked a series of questions by a camper of mine that got me to thinking. He was asking about whether or not saving your first kiss for your wedding day is Biblical or not. Well I brought that up with one of my guy friends and we proceeded to knock the question around. We were quickly joined by a couple of girls that decided they wanted to hear our thoughts on the matter.
The resulting conversation went back and forth, and in the end we hadn't really come to any conclusion on the subject but we had agreed. It's not in the Bible but it's important. I will not go into the conversation or share exactly what we talked about, but it made me ask myself some questions about purity and the standard held by those around me versus the standard held by God.
So what is purity? I've heard it talked about A LOT this summer, probably more this summer than I have my entire life and that's saying something. But in all I've heard, I've felt something lacking and something missing in the standards set and held by those teaching them. Not to say they don't live up to their own standard, they do, and I am inspired by that and their actions coupled with their words. However I still feel something missing. I feel this emphasis on purity and, though we don't say it, we seem to look on a lack of purity as this "bad" sin. As if sin wasn't bad enough we have to single it out as something we need to focus on more, and those that achieve it are made out as special.
Now if I sound a bit opinionated on this topic it's because I am. I personally have kept a very "high" standard of purity according to most people. I haven't kissed anyone and I've never had sex with anyone. The latter is held by most people as the standard of purity and the former is mostly held by the rest. And hey I'll even go the extra mile for those that have an even higher standard, I've never been in a relationship with someone. So there, by all standards I am this pure person who has kept himself untouched from the world around me. But this is not so. Man is very fond of looking at the outward appearance and seems far too often to skip over the heart, just as 1 Samuel 16:7 says-
"...for God sees not as man sees, for man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart."When we bring the heart into play a whole range of new problems arise. When we look at the things we do in secret and things that we do mentally the line of purity becomes far out of reach. I have looked at pornography, have masturbated, and have thought thoughts that, far from being pure, are entirely impure(warned you this was coming). I've suddenly fallen off the purity pedestal and am sinking in my own shame. This is where I stand in the debate about and the striving for purity, black and tainted. When we talk about this level of purity most(if not all!) people fall far short of the standard of being unspotted by the things of this world; because, even one failure results in no longer being completely unspotted.
This is my stance on purity. Pretty bleak huh? Most people prefer sticking to those seemingly nice black and white purity which looks at a person's virginity as their "seal" of purity. But look anywhere in the Bible and this outlandishly strict take on purity is exactly what God requires and deserves.
Now at this point I would like to say that this post is not to rip down people with standards for purity. In fact I applaud anyone who sets a bar for purity in their life and strives to live up to it. However, this is about my take on purity and to understand it you have to realize how impure we are and how even a little failure is all it takes to lose our pureness.
Now to take it a step further, what about lying, or cursing, or hating? When we do any of these we have been spotted by the things of this world and have become impure. If you begin to feel I'm being a bit absurd here, then you're starting to catch on. The standard of purity we have doesn't cut it when you start to look at how broken we are and how perfect we are called to be. This rolls into my look at purity quite well, we are all broken and no one has truly lived a pure life. At this point I'd like to point out that I don't believe this is the end. I trust in Jesus Christ as my savior and that he's taken my sin and impurity upon himself.
This is the most amazing thing I can ever write! We are completely impure yet we have one that makes us pure again! So how do I approach purity in my own life and in the lives of others? I strive to be everything God calls me to be; that means rising above what this world has placed as the standards of what pure means and what we look for when we look for purity and seeking after Him solely. This affects my view of others and their purity by the simple fact that no matter how they fail in their purity they can be washed clean by the blood of Jesus, as it says in Hebrews 10:19-22
"Therefore, brethren, since we have confidence to enter the holy place by the blood of Jesus, by a new and living way which He inaugurated for us through the veil, that is, His flesh, and since we have a great priest over the house of God, let us draw near with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled clean from an evil conscience and our bodies washed with pure water."It doesn't matter how we fall, if we repent and turn to Jesus as the only way to be pure then He will make us pure! The key there is repenting, which requires a change in heart.
So to wrap this up, I want to answer the question asked me, how I would feel if I saw my future wife(implied that God showed me who she would be) kissing another man? To turn it on myself, how would my future wife feel if I was lying to someone or hating someone? Or how about any of the other things mentioned that I have fallen in? I would hope that she doesn't see me, but she sees the One who's washed me clean from all my impurities. Then I hope she would pray for me that I wouldn't fall again and that I would seek the ONLY One that can keep me truly pure, Jesus Christ. And in honesty that's what I'd do if I saw my future wife kissing someone else, I'd look past her to the One who's done so much more for me than I can ever repay and fall to my knees as I cry out for her to the only One who CAN keep her pure and CAN keep me pure.
Fighting for Purity the Only Way Possible, On My Knees,
Joshua
Sunday, July 21, 2013
My Power Status: Depleted ~ God's Power Status: Coming Online
I sit down in front of my computer and decide I have a post to write. But what to write about, how I'm feeling? Too messy. What I'm struggling with? Too little time to go into enough detail to make it feel like I'm not skimming them. How God's been working in my life? (see previous answer) What God's been revealing to me? Has potential, but right now I'm kinda drowning in what He's teaching me, will get back to you when I can breath again. What's left? Well I can go through list after list of things to write on and each falls woefully short of the thing that tops the list, glorifying my God.
When I ask what can I write about that glorifies God I run into a wall. How am I supposed to do something that brings glory to the God of the universe? How am I supposed to lift up someone who is infinitely better than I am? How am I supposed to do anything as a broken person? However, that's the beauty of the God I serve; He uses the week and broken things of this world to bring Him glory. I'm still kinda unsure how my life brings Him glory, but He said in 2 Corinthians 12:9-10:
This summer has been a summer of one weakness after another. I have not felt strong this summer, I have not felt confident this summer, and I have not felt like I'm making an impact this summer. Yet perhaps that's how it's supposed to be, if I feel like I'M making an impact then I far too often sideline God and work in my own power. But I am finding a comfort in my weakness and a security in my failures for I know that "when I am weak, then I strong." My own strength is passing and negligible, but God's strength is everlasting and bottomless. And that is something I can rest in in the days, weeks, and even years to come.
Switching Where My Strongth Comes From,
Joshua
When I ask what can I write about that glorifies God I run into a wall. How am I supposed to do something that brings glory to the God of the universe? How am I supposed to lift up someone who is infinitely better than I am? How am I supposed to do anything as a broken person? However, that's the beauty of the God I serve; He uses the week and broken things of this world to bring Him glory. I'm still kinda unsure how my life brings Him glory, but He said in 2 Corinthians 12:9-10:
9 And He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is perfected in weakness.” Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. 10 Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ’s sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong.
This summer has been a summer of one weakness after another. I have not felt strong this summer, I have not felt confident this summer, and I have not felt like I'm making an impact this summer. Yet perhaps that's how it's supposed to be, if I feel like I'M making an impact then I far too often sideline God and work in my own power. But I am finding a comfort in my weakness and a security in my failures for I know that "when I am weak, then I strong." My own strength is passing and negligible, but God's strength is everlasting and bottomless. And that is something I can rest in in the days, weeks, and even years to come.
Switching Where My Strongth Comes From,
Joshua
Sunday, July 14, 2013
InJustince: God in Me
Well I've dug a hole for myself. In the past several months I have been struggling with some things that I've finally been able to put behind me for now and I've been wondering what I have to work on next. I've asked God to show me what I need to change in myself, and, now that He's show me, I almost want to take my request back.
My next big struggle is my right to justice. To me justice is important, if I see injustice I want to stop it and if someone is being treated unfairly I want to put a stop to it. And there's nothing wrong with this attitude, justice, righteousness, and compassion are all things God wants us to grow in our lives, but my desire for personal justice is where the struggle starts. I am very adamant about being heard out in a problem or situation where I've been found at fault. When I get blamed and I'm only sixty percent to blame I will make sure that I'm only blamed sixty percent and that the other forty percent is applied to the right person. I do this because I hate being wrongly accused, it makes me feel put down and overlooked. And all that is now my current struggle.
This started this past week I was accused of something I felt I wasn't to blame at all, but I took the reprimand without saying a word and then carried on. Afterwards I felt terrible, I hadn't been able to defend myself and I took the brunt of the blame that wasn't even my fault. This was the first indication God sent me that this was about to become my next battlefield. The next was when I accidentally hurt someone else because I felt wronged. This still weighs on me because it would have never happened if I'd simply turned the other cheek and given it to God. Then, finally, what opened my eyes to this was my devotions today. As I read about Matthew 5:39, "I tell you not to resist an evil person. But whoever slaps you on your right cheek, turn the other to him also," God convicted me and I entered the battlefield.
Today's devotion went off this passage and kept getting harder until, by the end, it hit me the hardest, "We are always looking for justice, yet the essence of the teaching of the Sermon on the Mount is-Never look for justice, but never cease to give it." I got the end and just sat there going, "God, you can't be serious. This is completely opposite of how I see things, if I give others justice shouldn't I get it in return?" Yet He was completely serious and I'm now faced with possibly the hardest thing for me to do, change how I respond when hurt and still seek justice for those around me.
This is already rubbing me the wrong way and only the wise words of Oswald Chambers keep me pointed in the right direction, "Every time I insist on having my own rights, I hurt the Son of God, while in fact I can prevent Jesus from being hurt if I will take the blow myself." Strong words for a strong topic, putting aside my own desires and taking up my cross for Christ.
I could honestly quote the whole devotion for today and every part of it I'm going to struggle with; yet, that just points out just how crucial this is for me to learn and how much I need to change this part of me. It isn't going to be easy, and it will likely take a long time before I can finally put this struggle behind me, with plenty of failures between now and then.
Learning to Seek Others' Justice, Forgetting My Own,
Joshua
My next big struggle is my right to justice. To me justice is important, if I see injustice I want to stop it and if someone is being treated unfairly I want to put a stop to it. And there's nothing wrong with this attitude, justice, righteousness, and compassion are all things God wants us to grow in our lives, but my desire for personal justice is where the struggle starts. I am very adamant about being heard out in a problem or situation where I've been found at fault. When I get blamed and I'm only sixty percent to blame I will make sure that I'm only blamed sixty percent and that the other forty percent is applied to the right person. I do this because I hate being wrongly accused, it makes me feel put down and overlooked. And all that is now my current struggle.
This started this past week I was accused of something I felt I wasn't to blame at all, but I took the reprimand without saying a word and then carried on. Afterwards I felt terrible, I hadn't been able to defend myself and I took the brunt of the blame that wasn't even my fault. This was the first indication God sent me that this was about to become my next battlefield. The next was when I accidentally hurt someone else because I felt wronged. This still weighs on me because it would have never happened if I'd simply turned the other cheek and given it to God. Then, finally, what opened my eyes to this was my devotions today. As I read about Matthew 5:39, "I tell you not to resist an evil person. But whoever slaps you on your right cheek, turn the other to him also," God convicted me and I entered the battlefield.
Today's devotion went off this passage and kept getting harder until, by the end, it hit me the hardest, "We are always looking for justice, yet the essence of the teaching of the Sermon on the Mount is-Never look for justice, but never cease to give it." I got the end and just sat there going, "God, you can't be serious. This is completely opposite of how I see things, if I give others justice shouldn't I get it in return?" Yet He was completely serious and I'm now faced with possibly the hardest thing for me to do, change how I respond when hurt and still seek justice for those around me.
This is already rubbing me the wrong way and only the wise words of Oswald Chambers keep me pointed in the right direction, "Every time I insist on having my own rights, I hurt the Son of God, while in fact I can prevent Jesus from being hurt if I will take the blow myself." Strong words for a strong topic, putting aside my own desires and taking up my cross for Christ.
I could honestly quote the whole devotion for today and every part of it I'm going to struggle with; yet, that just points out just how crucial this is for me to learn and how much I need to change this part of me. It isn't going to be easy, and it will likely take a long time before I can finally put this struggle behind me, with plenty of failures between now and then.
Learning to Seek Others' Justice, Forgetting My Own,
Joshua
Saturday, July 13, 2013
How Will I Get Where I'm Going?
After a week like this I'm left wondering two things, where I'm going in this life and how I'm gonna get there. I've always enjoyed writing and I do honestly believe God's called me to it and gifted me with it, but over the past month He's been asking me one intolerably impossible question to ignore. Will you leave everything you've worked for and go somewhere else if I call you?
This isn't something I want to think about, I'm perfectly fine right now pursuing a career to write about God and spread His word through my words and stories. I don't want to leave the first place I've found purpose in life to go somewhere completely foreign to me. I'm tired of change and uncertainty. Yet my life isn't about me. I've tried that before and I ended up in a whirlpool of frustration, sinking beneath the waves of depression. So why do I stay so fixed on myself when I know where that leads, because the familiar pulls on me with the strength that only my fallen humanity can. This is my struggle, and many others' as well, keeping God as the primary focus of my life and His plan for my life as my sole objective.
So where is my life going? I know it is going all for Jesus Christ. How am I gonna get there? I honestly don't know.
This isn't something I want to think about, I'm perfectly fine right now pursuing a career to write about God and spread His word through my words and stories. I don't want to leave the first place I've found purpose in life to go somewhere completely foreign to me. I'm tired of change and uncertainty. Yet my life isn't about me. I've tried that before and I ended up in a whirlpool of frustration, sinking beneath the waves of depression. So why do I stay so fixed on myself when I know where that leads, because the familiar pulls on me with the strength that only my fallen humanity can. This is my struggle, and many others' as well, keeping God as the primary focus of my life and His plan for my life as my sole objective.
So where is my life going? I know it is going all for Jesus Christ. How am I gonna get there? I honestly don't know.
For I know the plans that I have for you,’ declares the Lord,
‘plans for welfare and not for calamity
to give you a future and a hope.
Jeremiah 29:11
I still don't know what's in store for me but I'm becoming more and more alright with that prospect and the thought that, no matter the how, God has my way planned out.
Daily Finding Out the 'How',
Joshua
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