Well I've dug a hole for myself. In the past several months I have been struggling with some things that I've finally been able to put behind me for now and I've been wondering what I have to work on next. I've asked God to show me what I need to change in myself, and, now that He's show me, I almost want to take my request back.
My next big struggle is my right to justice. To me justice is important, if I see injustice I want to stop it and if someone is being treated unfairly I want to put a stop to it. And there's nothing wrong with this attitude, justice, righteousness, and compassion are all things God wants us to grow in our lives, but my desire for personal justice is where the struggle starts. I am very adamant about being heard out in a problem or situation where I've been found at fault. When I get blamed and I'm only sixty percent to blame I will make sure that I'm only blamed sixty percent and that the other forty percent is applied to the right person. I do this because I hate being wrongly accused, it makes me feel put down and overlooked. And all that is now my current struggle.
This started this past week I was accused of something I felt I wasn't to blame at all, but I took the reprimand without saying a word and then carried on. Afterwards I felt terrible, I hadn't been able to defend myself and I took the brunt of the blame that wasn't even my fault. This was the first indication God sent me that this was about to become my next battlefield. The next was when I accidentally hurt someone else because I felt wronged. This still weighs on me because it would have never happened if I'd simply turned the other cheek and given it to God. Then, finally, what opened my eyes to this was my devotions today. As I read about Matthew 5:39, "I tell you not to resist an evil person. But whoever slaps you on your right cheek, turn the other to him also," God convicted me and I entered the battlefield.
Today's devotion went off this passage and kept getting harder until, by the end, it hit me the hardest, "We are always looking for justice, yet the essence of the teaching of the Sermon on the Mount is-Never look for justice, but never cease to give it." I got the end and just sat there going, "God, you can't be serious. This is completely opposite of how I see things, if I give others justice shouldn't I get it in return?" Yet He was completely serious and I'm now faced with possibly the hardest thing for me to do, change how I respond when hurt and still seek justice for those around me.
This is already rubbing me the wrong way and only the wise words of Oswald Chambers keep me pointed in the right direction, "Every time I insist on having my own rights, I hurt the Son of God, while in fact I can prevent Jesus from being hurt if I will take the blow myself." Strong words for a strong topic, putting aside my own desires and taking up my cross for Christ.
I could honestly quote the whole devotion for today and every part of it I'm going to struggle with; yet, that just points out just how crucial this is for me to learn and how much I need to change this part of me. It isn't going to be easy, and it will likely take a long time before I can finally put this struggle behind me, with plenty of failures between now and then.
Learning to Seek Others' Justice, Forgetting My Own,
Joshua
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