First off my week has been insane. This summer has taken an awful toll on me that I didn't understand the ramifications of until now. Video games are no longer a de-stresser. I can no longer unwind by hopping on a video game and playing for a little bit. Now this may sound trivial to some, or perhaps somewhat interesting to others, but it has been a nightmare for me. I used to pride myself(Huh, first hint something bad's going to happen) on the fact that I was never stressed. I could go through some pretty crazy circumstances and I wouldn't be stressed, or at least I could easily and quickly deal with that stress in a way that rendered it inconsequential. But I no longer can. I didn't feel it immediately after summer camp(where the change happened) because nothing really stressing me then. I didn't feel it the first few weeks of school because I was starting up classes and everything was pretty simple. I felt it when life got crazy, I got no sleep, and everything was due. That's when it hit me, with a force I had never felt before.
That's just the tip of the iceberg, I had known video games could no longer de-stress me since a couple weeks after camp but I didn't know what that meant, I had never dealt with stress. I had always been comfortably free of it. I was a wreck that night, I couldn't think straight enough to solve simple equations, my words were slow and clunky, and I felt as if gravity had doubled. I walked through a fog for a couple days before I made it to the other side of the piles of homework and could breath, I'm still not back to normal. I have quickly found that turning to God is the only way it gets any easier, the only way to alleviate or relive even a little bit of the crushing weight.
I know why it happened, I asked God to draw me closer to Him. I did the one thing any sane person would shy from, because when I said it, I meant it. I wanted to grow closer to Him, I wanted to know Him more; I didn't know what that meant. But He did, He knew that for me to get closer to Him, He'd have to kick out what stood between us, and so He did. I'm wondering why He did it, why couldn't He use a different method, an easier method? Why not change the desires of my heart instead of change my life? Hmm, sounds kind of funny huh? Me telling my God what to do with my life, yeah He's probably chuckling to Himself right now too. But that's how I felt, and still do in some ways, I want my life left alone and He can change my heart so in return I can change my life, and maybe leave some things in that aren't "too bad". But He isn't satisfied with that, He doesn't only want my heart, He wants me. And me includes everything.
Speaking of everything, I've been thinking of something recently, something I've never really given much thought to before. My future. Well I've thought about my future before, wondered what I'd do after college, where I'd get a job, and, well, stopping there. I kind of look at my future as what I'd do. Which, to most logical people is what it is. Right? Well right now I'm kind of thinking about it in different way, a really different way. I'm looking at the end of college and wondering how I might be providing for a family, my job is no longer what's sufficient to sustain me but to sustain those under my care. I look even further at where God has me going, Africa, the Middle East, South America? I have no clue, but He's put them on the table, asking me what I think. Kind of scary, God saying, "So, there's people that need to hear my Word proclaimed in Africa, they need to see and hear it in the Middle East, and there are those seeking me but not knowing what to look for in South America; what do you think about the needs in these areas?" I'm more than mildly daunted and am like, "Uh, they need to hear about You...uh, perhaps someone should go to them." Right now He's just nodded and keeps looking at me, I'm not quite sure what to make of it yet. He's
refrained from talking to me for now, and I'm scared as to what it means. Because honestly I am scared of the unknown, I am willing to trust but that doesn't mean I don't fear.
Back to providing, what does that look like right now? Who am I supposed to be pouring into and caring for right now? I have several obvious people that God's put in my life and laid on my heart, but I know there are more, God's told me so. But He hasn't shown me, He's waiting for me to find them. Sometimes I step back and am daunted by what God's called me to do, I am just a man and right now I am at the most broken I've ever personally been. I'm physically exhausted, mentally gone, and spiritually dry right now. I am wandering through a wilderness with only the dim outline of God to seek after, and right now I feel like He's leading me deeper into the desert. I am a strong person because I have had to be my whole life, but when my own strength fails and I'm left crushed what is left? I'm always one for a solution, always there with an answer! But right now even my own answers are flying in my face, they seem like useless words compared to how I feel right now.
But it doesn't end there, thankfully it gets better! No, nothing spectacular happened, no great change has yet to come upon me; in fact, I'm expecting this whole semester to feel somewhere along this vein. However, I do trust in God, and by saying that I am claiming His promise to always be with me. When they faced some of their greatest enemies, God told His people in Deuteronomy 31:6
"Be strong and courageous, do not be afraid or tremble at them, for the Lord your God is the one who goes with you. He will not fail you or forsake you."They were facing things beyond their strength to defeat, an unknown future, and more stress than you can imagine! But God told His people, 'He(God) will not fail you or forsake you.' He didn't tell them everything would be alright, they wouldn't suffer, or that they would never lose, because they would. Their sin would draw them away from God and their rebellion would cost them many things, and because of this God would let them reap the consequences. But, God said He'd always be with them, and He has yet to break a promise.
I like trust, a random trivia fact about me for the day. I find joy in knowing that someone is trustworthy and being able to trust them. It can hurt when someone turns out not to be, but for some reason that doesn't deter me. But here's something I CAN trust, but far too often don't. Why don't I? I have yet to find out, perhaps I'm scared of putting that much on the line. Trusting that God is with me when I'm going through trials and wilderness is more than I feel comfortable doing because if He lets me down then I'm not sure where I'll stop falling. Yet that's what's wrong with me right now, I'm not trusting God right now and that's what's making this time so hard for me, because I have no one I can rely on. Or, rather, I don't have anyone reliable I am relying on, because I let myself down far too often.
I like closing off a blog past saying that I'm going to do something or that I'm going to change something, yet right now I want to trust in God but I'm not sure if I really will. Funny to hear myself saying that, I have always had faith in God; that's the one thing that has never changed since I started believing in Him. Yet right now I am wondering if I can truly trust on God in this, or if I'll keep relying on myself. I guess I'll close with a prayer, which perhaps is what I should do every time.
Father, I am not doing so well right now. I am weighed down by work, lack of sleep, and concern for those around me. Something has been breaking for a while, my ability to do what I need to, and I need your help...no I need you to completely take over. I asked this summer for you to draw me closer to you and you've made the way open for me to, but I haven't. Will you continue to draw me to you? Will you continue on to completion what you've started in me? That's what I'm asking right now, that you don't leave me here wondering where I am, please guide me and lead me, Father. In the name of your Son, Jesus Christ, Amen
Wishing Life Wasn't So Hard, But Glad God's Always With Me,
Joshua
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