Coming Undone

Come undone,
Surrender is stronger
I don't need to be the hero tonight

We all want Love
We all want Honor
Nobody wants to pay the asking price

This has been running through my head in the past few days.  I have been looking forward to Cornerstone for the past couple weeks and how God will use me this year.  But as I look at everything that's going on in preparation for college and think about what I'll be doing there I have a profound sense of...pointlessness.  Why am I spending my time and money to get an education so I can get a job and make money and live a life.  Why is that what I'm trying to do?  There are still people who haven't heard the gospel, there are people that need to be discipled, and there are people that are willing to listen.  Why am I not trying to reach out to them?  Instead I'm trying to get a piece of paper saying I learned something useful.

That's how I feel right now.  Very much not wanting to be where I'm at.

But this is where God has me, He's shown me time and time again He's providing for me and has a plan for me.  But I don't want to be here, I want to be out reaching out to others!  I am willing to go and serve, I am willing to do whatever God tells me, I am willing to no longer be comfortable.  But where am I, living in comfort and luxury while my brothers and sisters suffer for their faith and while people die never even knowing about Christ.

This is pulling my heart apart, I feel like I'm supposed to be here but I want to be there!

Then my mind goes back to that song, that chorus.

Come undone,
Surrender is stronger
I don't need to be the hero tonight

I need to stop trying to figure this out, "Come undone," I need to stop wanting to do something and let God's will work though me, "Surrender is stronger," and even though I want to be the one bringing the gospel to those people right now it's not my place, "I don't need to be the hero tonight."

I don't like it.  It feels so hard to hear about the possibility to serve while I'm planning to go to school, live in a comfortable room, eat three meals a day, and have my biggest worry be whether or not I'll get an A or a B in my classes.  Everything around me is so comfortable that I am no longer comfortable here.  Yet, this is where I am.  This is where God's put me.  I will follow His direction and guidance to Love those around me, encourage them to pursue Christ, and be waiting on His next directions.  No matter if they are to be a servant to those here or to head overseas to be a servant there.  I can serve in both places(But between you and me, I'd rather be overseas).

So as I look at this mess I am reminded of a verse, Matthew 16:24

"Then Jesus said to His disciples, “If anyone wishes to come after Me, he must deny himself, and take up his cross and follow Me."

Oddly enough what sticks out to me right now about this verse is not what is normally taken out of it; I hear God telling me that I must deny MY desires right now and focus on His plans for me in the here and now, not desire to be overseas and serving there.  God has a plan for me here and instead of wanting to be overseas serving I need to follow His lead and serve those here right now.  Never thought God'd be talking me out of going overseas right now, but here's praying He's calling me there in the future!


Struggling to Serve In the Here and Now,
Joshua