Day One Run

So, I'm starting to run every day. Not exactly by choice. This semester has kicked me into the gutter, poured water on me, and watched as I slid down toward the drain. Yesterday I stayed after a class to ask for help with my homework. I've never asked for help with my homework. I've always worked until I understood it and could do it. But this semester I am finding as I slide down that gutter toward the drain I am losing more and more of my ability to do simple things. I was hoping that I would finish the semester before hitting the drain and I could pull myself free over winter break. I'm finding that's not the case. So, I asked for help. He graciously gave it. Side note: professor's are actually a lot more understanding and willing to work with you than you might think.

So while talking it over I had been understanding it all wrong and after talking that through he suggested something to me. He told me how he works and suggested I start running. Before I sit down to do my homework to go for a twenty minute run. He explained how it helped and I decided to add it to the list of things I've decided in the past day to commit to and change so that I can pull myself out of the gutter, even if it means not turning some projects in...which is going to be hard in it's own right.

So today was the first day of running. I dressed in my running clothes and something my professor had said came to mind, "Running's a great time to clear your head and talk to God." So I left my room with that mindset, waiting to hear what God said. I started running and for the first twenty or so feet it was all good. The weather wasn't the best for the run but that wasn't deterring me. Today the rain's been drizzling down, the wind's been blowing steadily, and overall it's been rather brisk.

Before continuing let me first say I didn't hear God the entire time, twenty minutes of silence and running and not a word or an image or anything really.

That first stretch of running, the first two to three minutes, was nice as I ran by the seminary. The rain had slowed to dripping, the wind was non-existent, and the cool air felt good. It wasn't till I rounded the corner of the pond and started the downhill toward the Hansen Center that it hit. The wind drove a hail of rain into my face and the sudden shock of wet made it feel like the temperature dropped drastically. I instantly thought I wasn't prepared for this, I was only in a short sleeved shirt and shorts. My body temperature dropped suddenly and I started to think about turning aside and finishing my twenty minutes in the gym's track. I nearly faltered and did, but I decided to push on and  continued around by Pickitt.

At that moment I was really looking forward to when I'd pass the seminary again and be able to have a break from the harsh wind and cold rain. I drove myself on till I rounded the pond and was in the shelter of the seminary again. As I entered the rest it provided I breathed deeply and renewed my strength. I set my face as I knew I'd soon round the bend to the Hansen and be blasted again.

As I rounded the bend something happened. I was ready. Nothing had changed except I had drawn new strength and was ready for the challenge ahead of me. The wind blasted, the rain pelted, and I felt cold, but it didn't bother me this time. I felt ready, prepared to face the struggle of that stretch of the run. I was halfway through that section when I felt a shout rising up in me and I yelled out, "Ho-on!" The first half was more an exhale than actually saying anything and was part of my breathing pattern, then I said "on" to spur myself forward!

I finished the Hansen loop and was excited to get to the seminary and draw strength for the next time I'd face the "wind tunnel." I entered the seminary loop and barely noticed the change, but halway through the seminary loop something strange happened. I faltered. I nearly started walking. I spurred myself on and called out, "Ho-on!" to jump-started myself. I leapt back into stride in confusion. Why did I falter? Why when I was at the easiest section of my run did I almost stop?

The answer shocked me when I rounded the Hansen corner. As the rain cut into may face as it was driven by the cold wind past me. I understood. I now relished this section--the challenge. I was excited to face the difficulties and struggles that were part of the run. In fact, I had grown so much since starting the run that I was prepared for the challenges I was facing. And that had done something strange, it had made the easy parts seem trivial. When my run was easy I had almost clocked out and coasted, without even thinking about it.

I put my body on auto-pilot to finish the last lap as I wrestled with this thought in my mind. I tried to figure out why, what had happened and then it struck me. This was exactly how real life is. The times of trial I feel unprepared for and return to draw strength at the safe, normal places of life to prepare myself for the hard times again. And once I return and then face those trials again, normal life becomes trivial to me, something to ignore and right off as I prepare for the next trial. That's where I stumble, that's where we all fall--when any part of life becomes "easy" to us.

God has placed us where He wanted us for a specific reason. As stay at home moms for a reason. As nine to five dads for a reason. As ocean crossing missionaries for a reason. As ministry leaders for a reason. As ministry workers for a reason. As overseas teachers for a reason. As everyday people in everyday places, for a reason. He has put us where He wants us, and in that place we need to be faithful. That last loop around the seminary as I neared twenty minutes I intentionally watched myself and spurred myself on when needed. I knew that during that time I would need to be the one challenging myself, because the circumstances wouldn't be.

As I finished the Hansen loop, what was now the easiest and most enjoyable part of my run, and cooled down from my run, I realized something. God had spoken to me. Not in words, pictures, or any revelation, but in the everyday. That was what He wanted me to know! The everyday is where He calls each and every one of us. In the trials when we need Him the most, we will draw in His strength the most. But in the day to day where we think it's normal and nothing to concern Him with, that is where we need to realize our need for Him the most. As I returned to my dorm and showered, I couldn't help thinking about my run. I was thanking God for helping me stay strong and keep going at the beginning when it got hard, but the part I was the most thankful for was where He kept me going in the middle of when it was easiest. Because when life is easiest is when I need Him the most...


Needing God in My Everything,
Joshua

God's Conditional Love

The title of this post will likely have most Christians either up in arms or shocked that someone would link those three words. And that's the point. I I have been thinking a lot recently about what i was raised to believe and contrasting it with what I am finding out is true. A lot of what I was told as a child is true, but some things I am finding were flat out wrong. Today as I was at work and was talking and listening to God, I came to a realization as I was reflecting on Scripture--salvation isn't free.

Woah! Another thing that goes against the grain of everything Christianity stands for? Yes. I have been praying and realized that there's a reason for many of the problems that exist in Christianity at large. And that reason is we're picking sides. We're picking one attribute of God to camp out with and ignoring the paired attribute which God holds perfectly in balance. We look at His gift of salvation but forget what it costs us.

Let me explain. So often we look to parts of the Bible to support our theology and miss the meaning that it carries with it. John 3:16 says-

For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life.

We look at that and say the only thing required for salvation is belief. This is touted as the basis for the salvation prayer, you believe and ask God to come into your heart and you're saved! But that's not it. I have come face-to-face with how often that prayer is seen as what saves someone, those words are how to be saved, and that's wrong. If you were to nay-say that salvation is free, that it just takes believing, you would be very quickly drowned in a deluge of theological points showing how salvation is free, God extends it to us without cost, and all we do is accept that free gift. The analogy I've heard so often that salvation is a free gift God has for us, you have to reach out and take it, but it's freely offered. That's not true.

I prayed the prayer when I was younger, accepting Jesus into my heart and thinking I was Christian from then on. But as I grew up, I always was questioning my faith, always struggling because it didn't seen real. I was at a camp when I was sixteen before I was confronted with the fact I wasn't saved. There I realized I had never surrendered my life to Christ, and it was there I finally did. That's salvation. It's not a prayer admitting you're wrong, it's not simply believing the list of Jesus living, dying, and rising again for your sins, and it's not a free gift. It requires a payment. It requires giving away yourself.

Look anywhere else God talks about following Him, Take Matthew 16:25-

For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it; but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it.

He doesn't meant the person who dies for God's sake will find life, but the person who gives up his life to Christ will find it. Or look at how Luke puts the verse directly before it, Luke 9:23-

If anyone wishes to come after Me, he must deny himself, and take up his cross daily and follow Me.

Those aren't words of cost-less belief, those are weighty words that say you have to give everything to believe. Salvation isn't free. Jesus bluntly, and repeatedly states that to follow him, to gain salvation, you must give up yourself. That is the bottom line. The price of salvation is surrendering your life to God. Giving Him full access to have His way in your life. Salvation will be the most costly thing you ever buy, but that is because it is worth the more than anything you could ever buy. John 1:12 says-

But as many as received Him, to them He gave the right to become children of God, even to those who believe in His name.

Belief is costly, God will accept nothing less than all of you. He requires you to surrender everything to Him that you might gain everything. And that's the truth. When you surrender yourself and turn to the Lord Jesus Christ, that is true belief.

Now I'll take a moment to clarify something. Full surrender doesn't mean you have to be completely holy to believe. God does not require a list of aspects of your life that are in alignment with His will before you can be saved. You can DO nothing to be saved, no works, good deeds, or sacrifices will matter. He's not asking you to be perfect, but He is asking you to desire Him enough that you're willing to give Him everything. Now, don't be discouraged if surrendering everything is hard at times or always--it will be. Turning from rebellion against God to following after Him takes time and grace. You will not be perfect the moment you are saved, in fact the next day you might fall into an old pattern of sin. But the quality of someone who's life is surrendered to God and is truly saved is one who recognizes that sin and asks God to help them overcome it. And that takes one step, one day, and unlimited grace every day. But for those who are saved, "He gave the right to become children of God."

Now, back to God's conditional Love. Now that I've jumped into the cost of salvation I can talk about this. God's UNconditional Love is the talk of many, many churches right now. They proudly wave their banner of "God is Love" and say that He loves everyone and you just need to believe in Him(wait, we just talked about that...). Some go so far as to say that God just Loves us and even further to say God Loves us so much we will all be with Him in heaven. All of those are either wrong or sorely missing the paired attribute of God's Love, His hate. God hates sin. Plain and simple, the whole of the scriptures clearly shows that undeniable truth.

We like to look at God's Love and say that it's stronger than His hate, it pacifies His hate, or that His hate is only for the sin and the sin can be looked at apart from the sinner. None of those are true. You simply have to look at Jesus on the cross to realize how much God hates sin, and what that means as He turns His face away and forsakes His Son. But we like to ignore His hate and say He is a God of Love who just wants us to accept salvation and everything's good! Yet His Love is conditional, and salvation isn't free...

So, conditional Love. I haven't addressed it just yet, and I realize that. There's been a lot of setup to allow me to do so. So I will jump right in. I've brought up God's hate of sin, of rebellion against Him. So often we say He Loves us unconditionally and even when we sin He still Loves us. That is true, He does still Love us, but His Love isn't unconditional. The condition is that Christ had to take our sin. He Loved so much that He sent His Son to die for us! That's a lot of Love, but it wasn't unconditional. Unconditional means it free, for everybody, and I already said, salvation isn't free. Look at Matthew 7:23-

I will declare to them, ‘I never knew you; depart from Me, you who practice lawlessness.

God will say to those who aren't saved that He never knew them, even if they did good in His name. Those who haven't surrendered themselves and received Christ as their savior will still be in their sins and God does not separate a sin from the sinner, with one exception, when Christ saves you and takes that sin on Himself. The notion that God Loves us and hates our sin implies that you can separate us into two parts, "the good human" and "the evil sin." But we are sinners by nature. Yes Christ can save us, but until He does Ephesians 2:1&3 says-

You were dead in your trespasses and sins...and were by nature children of wrath, even as the rest.

God doesn't separate us from our sins. He looks at us and sees a sinner, and He hates sin. But when Christ takes that sin God sees a blood washed child and yes, His Love for His Children is unconditional. So God's Love has a condition, and while He will extend His mercy and grace to any who ask for it and surrender themselves to it, His Love is conditional. But the amazing thing is that all of us, everyone, is able to approach His grace and lay down their life and receive Christ's sacrifice and be saved! The truth is that most won't. Giving up their right to their life, surrendering themselves, isn't what they want from a relationship with God. They want to be able to carry on life as normal and go to church on Sundays and maybe even read the Bible! But His salvation is laying down your life. His Love requires being washed by the blood of Christ.

This may seem weird and feel wrong. Maybe you don't see what I'm saying as right, but this is what God is showing me, that we have skewed a great many things He's taught to mean what we want and fit into our evangelism pattern. But breaking free from that and taking hold of His truth is where we find life! I haven't doubted my faith as I did before surrendering my life to Christ, and I have never felt Love like when He lets me know that though I fall it's all right. He is an amazing God worth surrendering everything to, will you choose to?


Standing for the Truth,
Joshua

This Crazy Little Thing Called Life

Recently I've been faced with a lot of life defining decisions that I realize I will have to make in the next couple months. On top of that I have some projects in school that have the capacity to alter the next few years as well. Topping off the mix is the fact I won't be able to talk to my best friend for the next month as she reaches out to a village in PNG (Papua New Guinea). This month is shaping up to be daunting.

Just saying all that doesn't sound too bad; it's just life right? It is. I guess that's the rub. I feel woefully inadequate to handle life. I see people around me with charming personalities, incredible leadership and organizational skills, a rapport with life I marvel at, and what appears to be a rough but sure road ahead of them. I sit here and look to my future and wonder what it holds. I have always trusted God with my future and lived out what He called me to as He guided me, whether it be to get up and do something that moment or to plan it out for later. And now faced with decisions that will not only affect me I feel small.

I have lived so much of my life alone that as I step outside of that and into community I am finding that I keep wanting to go back to where my decisions were my own and they wouldn't hurt anyone else. As I look back at where I've come from I am beginning to realize how ill-equipped I am for making my way in this world. I keep coming back to a point where I wonder if I just took a wrong turn and am terribly lost; did everyone else catch the right bus and I just wasn't at the stop when it left? It feels like it sometimes.

But sitting here and writing this I am listening to God as I ask Him these very things. As I open up to Him and wait for His answer I am reminded of a time that feels so long ago--camp. My first year of counseling was three summers ago. I signed up to work at camp at the request and suggestion of two of my new-found friends. Camp always could use more guy counselors, if you've worked at a summer camp you likely know exactly how that goes! So I listened to God's prompting and applied. I felt inadequate, under qualified, and unsure how I would make it through something so foreign and hard. And it was hard. Looking back, it was one trial after another of doing my best, finding out it wasn't good enough, and stepping up to the challenge with God as my strength.

Wow. I was going to go into how realizing that just made me feel but God brought something else to mind so I'll say that later :P This past summer I didn't go back to camp as I did the summer before; I got a job working construction. I have never had a real life job before. During high school I applied places and no one ever got back to me, working in food service at Cornerstone isn't what I'd call a full time job, and counseling was a very different thing altogether. This job had set hours, set hourly pay, and was far from my comfort zone. I was brought face-to-face with who I honestly was. There were times I could slack off when no one was looking, I could cut corners, or I could even not attempt something if I was unsure how to do it. I had to face each day with a question mark of if the integrity that had been trained into me would hold firm. It did, most of the time. I would be lying if I said I always made the right decisions. But by the end I look back and realize there were countless times I was faced with something I had no idea how to do, backing up a trailer comes to mind. I had never driven with a trailer before working and day two they asked me to hook one up, back into a garage, and drive it around--I had also only gotten my license a couple months before. But I did it, pulse pounding and fearful I'd break something. I didn't, and by the end of the summer backing up a trailer, long or short, is nearly second nature. By the end of that job I realized something; God has not only gifted me with abilities I don't know about but He has and will always be beside me as I tackle new things. Like I said, I made mistakes, bad choices, and let uncertainty get the better of me, but through it all God blessed me, He gave me favor in the eyes of those I worked with, and He grew me through it all.

Wow. Right now all I can think of is how good my God is to me. It took work, it was hard, but in it He has been there for me. I still don't feel like I have the wisdom or the right to make decisions that will affect other people than myself. Yet, I am faced with them. I have to choose my course and set my sights on the horizons that lay beyond it. I started writing this wondering how this will turn out if I mess up one of the decisions, projects, or waste the time before me, but God has reminded me that He brought me here. Not set up to make an easy living, not set up with a confidence that I can do whatever I set myself to, and not even that I will have a smooth time of it. But He brought me here. God has brought me here! And if He's brought me here, He'll carry me through the rest of the plan He has for me. As I look back on how He's prepared me in life I see one defining thing; I can do nothing without Him. When I removed God in my life it's always ended in failure or pain, but when I let Him lead me He turns the pain into growth, the failure into triumph, and the fear into a tried and true confidence in Him.

Am I ready for life? No. I wasn't ready the moment I left home and I won't be until who know's when. But is God ready for my life? Yes. He's been there through thick and thin, up and down, and no matter the size of what He's put in my path. I've accomplished some rather impressive things when I look at what God's done in my life and learn to see where He's brought me as an opportunity for Him to work instead of an opportunity for me to fail. Because both are a sure thing, but one will bring joy and the other despair. So, here's for God working in my life and carrying me through the next two months of this crazy roller coaster called life.


Looking for the Opportunity for God to Work!
Joshua

Finally Finding Out How to be Foolish!

What happens when you look at someone you Love and realize you don't know them? With a marriage, a friendship, or a relationship it often means that they're over or that really hard times are ahead if both are willing to work through them.

What about our walk with Christ? What happens when we find out that how we've been pursuing God is off course, how we think we understand His Love is flawed, or what you've always held as His desire is only your own idea of what God wants? It's a hard question and one I've wrestled through this past week.

What makes you feel furthest from God? Is it pain, is it loss, is it being wrong, or something else? I know that for me I feel furthest form God when I come face-to-face with the truth that I don't know God. I don't know how He Loves unconditionally. I don't understand His plan for me. I don't, I just don't some times and it's then that I feel like I'm a million miles away from Him. How can He be close to me when I struggle so much to give myself to Him, to know the one I profess to Love? The answer is one that takes time to come to.

I found out this week that I still want to serve God how I have planned. Crazy huh? Think I would have realized after almost four years of Him tossing out every plan I've made and finding new ones that I'd finally realize He can and will use me anywhere! Yeah, I thought I would too by now, but it's a lot harder while you're in the valleys to believe something you've seen on the mountain tops. Not impossible, but very hard.

I was faced this week with how honestly bad I am at what I always thought I was gifted with and good at. Feedback about my skills, desires, and passions that say, "You're par at best and generally sub-par." It's discouraging. How am I supposed to use my gifts for God's glory when they aren't anything special? What am I supposed to surrender to God when I have nothing of value? How do I live my life for Him when I am lost and confused? How do I serve Him when what I honestly believed I was called to serve Him with is pulled away from me and I am left with a fear that I won't be of use to Him? That's been this week.

Now that I am at my lowest, now that I am broken, where does God take me? He doesn't build me up (big surprise), He doesn't remind me that He will use my gifts despite how poor they are right now. He didn't tell me to trust that He's bigger than my problems or that He was trying to get me to let go of myself. Instead He held out a hand. I was puzzled and didn't understand. I took hold and tried to pull myself up but He didn't let me pull myself up. I was confused! Why wasn't He there to rescue me? He smiled, It's not time for Him to rescue me. He was inviting me to walk with Him. I took His hand again and instead of pulling me up He came into step with me.

We walked through the valley together a while before I finally asked, "What do you want from me?" I was nearly losing it. I was of no use to Him and after so many times of picking me up and setting my focus straight He wasn't going to do it again. He looked steadily at me and said, "You."

I shake my head, frustration rising, "That's the problem! I keep giving you everything I can, but it never seems to do anything and I keep coming back to where I was." By the end I was nearly in tears. At that point I was kneeling in a room by myself crying out to God and lost while He was walking right beside me.

He kept walking with me and slowly my gaze was drawn to a book that is constantly close to me. It is called My Utmost for His Highest. It is a devotional by Oswald Chambers that I read every day. Over the past week it has been speaking very powerful truth into my life that has been something I've clung to in the midst of the uncertainty of this past week. If you are struggling with the same kind of feelings I would recommend look at the entries from October 20th till today, they can be found here. It was today's entry that really turned this week around.

This morning, God was still walking with me in the valley. I was wondering if He had gotten tired of walking with me in here. Was He tired of me still struggling? Was He bored with how often I turned to Him? But He didn't answer. So this morning I was reading My Utmost to His Highest and as my eyes followed the words on the page He reached over my shoulder and pointed to the words. I paid close attention and that's when it all fell into place. It said that our purpose is behind us. That we are not seeking and saving the lost. That's not what missions is about. Missions is not about the people, as much as that sounds so wrong! I have been rebelling inside against what I've been reading all week and looking back I am seeing that's why I was where I was at.

So what is the focus of missions? The focus is God. Well, that's the church answer, but in reality God cares about people so we need to focus on people because that is focusing on God. Wrong. We are not saving people because they are so important, that diminishes God's glory and the fact that it is only Him who calls the lost and only Him who can do anything. And once we start focusing on people we lose the one who called us, as Chambers puts it, "He will do with you what He never did before His call came to you, and He will do with you what He is not doing with other people. Let Him have His way." Wow. In my frailties He will use me? I just need to let Him? Yes.

And that is why it's so hard! Letting Him do with us what He wills is so...passive. Passivity is roundly denounced by everyone today. Passivity is equated with laziness, sluggishness, and even sinfulness. But not with God, we mess things up when we try to "proactively accomplish His will". The end of today's devotion talks about great men and women of faith and how we credit them with keen intelligence to understand God's plan, but in reality, "...the keen and intelligent mind behind them was the mind of God, not human wisdom at all. We give credit to human wisdom when we should give credit to the divine guidance of God being exhibited through childlike people who were “foolish” enough to trust God’s wisdom and His supernatural equipment." That hit home. I used to wait for God's guidance in my life as He would lay what He wanted of me in my path and I would walk that path in faith. This semester has been time and time again of me trying to do things I decided were what God wanted. In the end He has blessed those ventures, but I can clearly see that they are just my interpretations of what God wants, not actually waiting for Him.

What now? Well, I am climbing now. God has shown me the way to the next mountain top and I am pushing onward! I know once I reach the top I'll be headed either quickly or slowly back into another valley, but as Oswald Chambers says over and over again, it is not who we are on the mountain tops that reflects our walk with God but who we are in the valley that reflects who we are with God. That being said, I am not being spurred on by a goal ahead of me that I need to reach people, Love them, and bring Christ to them. I am spurred on by a God behind me that has my back, is worthy of sacrificing my life for, and will lay the path before me He wants me to walk. I don't need to strive to discern His will, struggle finding the purpose for my life, or worry about what's before me. I just have to have that childlike faith that is, "'foolish' enough to trust God’s wisdom and His supernatural equipment." He is the reason for everything I do. And when I realize that again, He suddenly shows me how to lay down myself and follow Him. I also realize I will be laying down myself for the rest of my life, but I will gladly do so for so great a God!


Being Foolish for Him,
~Joshua

Coming Full Circle

I have come full circle.

An expression that is often used. It usually means completion, but for me it means beginning. Go back to last year, at the beginning of the the semester. I had gotten into my first relationship and my life was headed for a lot of change. But to set this up, I need to do a bit of backstory...

I grew up in a great home. I may not have liked it then and I may feel that something was missing now, but my parents loved me and raised me well. As for me, I am someone who once I get an idea I hold it very firmly until something comes along that can sway me to let go of that idea and look for a new one. So, growing up I got a lot of my values, a lot of my habits, and a lot of my beliefs from my parents, from what they taught me, exemplified for me, and disciplined into me.

When I first left home and went to college, I held onto these beliefs to help me navigate my way through a foreign and scary new environment. I had those beliefs challenged, shocked, or reinforced through that first year and I started to make them my own, but only my beliefs. How I acted, who I was, stayed the same. College challenged where I stood on things, not how I was raised or how I decided to live. That started last year.

Until last year I had never dated anyone. Until then I had never stepped outside my social bubble. Doing both has done a number on how I live, how I view life, and my personal compass. I have come face-to-face with people who view life totally different than I do. I knew plenty of people did, but when I actually got to see why they did, what caused them to view life the way they did, I started to lose the ground I stood on. My faith and morals that had been reinforced my whole life and shored up by caring parents were starting to crumble without the help I had been provided while at home. Over the course of a year major parts of each were put to the test and refined in fire.

The first to go was my giving. Now I'm not talking at church, but in my own life. I had an RA my freshman year who had a personal code that I greatly respect. If anyone saw a shirt on him they liked or a hoodie or something and asked for it, he'd give it to them. Just like that! Going into college I enjoy giving to others. Money, my time, any possessions I had were someone else's if they needed them! I enjoyed it, it was fun! But over the past year I have started getting stingier. I have held onto my stuff more, hoarding it away. I kept my money and didn't want to be open handed with it because I had to "think about the future." I have traveled the whole year getting worse and worse until God finally stopped me and made me make a decision. It ended with me getting rid of many things I had. They were simply things, and yet I let them get between me and my walk with God. So I gave away some of my prize possessions to those I knew would appreciate and use them. I am still letting go of a lot of my stuff, my money, and my time. I haven't gotten back to where I was, but I am come back around to where I started...

Next was reading the Bible. Since sophomore year I have been reading my Bible every day. It started intermittently and soon it became an everyday occasion because of how much I Loved to read it! I read it with an excitement and passion and I would spend time in it. Over the past year that has gone from exciting to almost ritualistic. It has slowly turned into something I just do, instead of celebrating a gift God's given me. That changed today actually. Chapel today was amazing and God reached down and spoke to me, saying, "This has become a ritual to you. One you enjoy, but one that has lost its passion for you." I realized He was right(always is :P ). And I have spent a lot of time praying earnestly today and He's re-sparking that passion for the gift He's given me!

The biggest one has probably been my future. Coming into college I trusted entirely on God to guide my steps, overcome what obstacles would rise in my path, and to give me strength when I was empty. The past year has slowly deconstructed that. Planning for the future, worrying about after college, wondering what I'm going to use my degree for, and many other things have doggedly drawn my eyes away from following God's guidance in the everyday that I may be in His will for the long haul! He's still working on me with that one. I am starting to look ahead--something He's called me to do--but I am no longer worrying about how He's going to use where He's put me. He's brought me here for a reason, and I know He has a plan for it in the future.

These are just three major ones. There are others, but through them all He is bringing me full circle. He is taking what was once blindly trusted in and turning it into something I can build upon; Him and Him alone. It's not been an easy process and there has been many hard times because of it, but His plans for the future are still leaving me in shock as I can only blink in awe at what He has planned :] I believe all of us undergo a testing of our foundations and what matters to us. And after the fire has cleansed the dross, we will stand before him as pure gold, ready for Him to work into a masterpiece! This is the beginning of another chapter, one built on Him and not what I've been taught.


In God's Flames,
Joshua

The Tides of Life

What does the tide do? Well, simply thinking about it brings a whole host of answers to mind. It ebbs and flows. It swells. It drags things out to sea and brings things from the sea to land. It leaves gifts and takes treasures. It creates viscous currents and leaves peaceful pools. The tide is a force and a reaction. It is these and many more. Life has been very tide-like this first month at school. Lots of lows and highs. It is and will be a season of constant change but absolute assurance. Let me give you a few glances at the tide of my life this past month :]

Starting this month was not the lowest the tide's ever been for me, but it was filled with the most vicious current I've ever faced and dragged a lot out to sea. Just before school started I was informed that God called the person I'd been dating for nearly a year to let go of all others and seek Him alone. She let me know that meant me and let go of me, and I am proud of her for that. It also was the worst rip tide I've ever been in. It swirled me around, ripped me from shore, disoriented me, and left me adrift.

I struggled to swim back to shore, leaning heavily on God all the way. He was my life preserver then, the only thing holding me up when I simply could go any farther right then. I got back to shore and found myself at college. I look around the beach and realized how bare it was, the current had pulled a great many things out with it. I knew I didn't have time to stop and get oriented so I  tackled something, only to find that my source of encouragement was no longer there--I've faltered more than once since then. I faced strange things left behind by the tide, emotions, parts of my past, plenty of dead fish, but I had no one I could talk to about it, no one there that I trusted implicitly.

Those first few weeks were strange. I wandered, literally at times around campus, and was shocked at how much of my life was uprooted, torn apart, or left strew on the beach. I walked in a daze sometimes, too numb or completely overwhelmed to even begin to think. It still happens now, I find myself unable to do anything from playing a computer game to enjoy simply walking outside because of the utter lack of anything or the pure overwhelming chaos of everything. I can't even begin to describe how hard it is to be outside looking up at the stars at night and feel...nothing. No closeness to God, no peace, no joy, just nothing because I'm filled with so much there that there's no longer room for anything else. I can't even think. Imagine being unable to think. Yeah, if you'd asked me to do that before now I'd probably have looked at you strange and wondered how someone could not be able to think. Well, I guess I didn't know everything, but I already knew that ;] ...sorry, couldn't help that one :P

Through this whole time I've been actively running after Jesus. He's the only one who can help. He's the only one who can show me where peace is. He is the only one who can give me confidence. He is the only one who knows what will set me on my feet again. And at times I find Him and am at peace for a while as I walk with Him unhurriedly and rest in knowing and being with Him. Then the tide rushes in and sucks me out again, the overwhelming emotions cascading over me. I struggle out of them back to the beach and start my search again. Every time it's impeded by skewed hopes, broken pieces of the past, or my own frailties. But every time He is faithful to lead me back to Him and give me the peace without which I would have lost it after a couple weeks.

Recently Jesus has been doing something a little different. He's still walking with me and giving me peace between the ebb and flow of my emotions, but every once in a while he points to a hole in the sand. I run over and look in. It's a tide pool. Some are deep, almost bottomless, and some are shallow enough I reach the bottom. In every one He shows me things I wouldn't have seen if the tide had just stayed high. One is he confidence He has given me as my own. The ability to rise to a difficult or bewildering challenge and face it with His help. This pool was made with help by a very special person who I remember every time I look at it and God reminds me of it. In other ones I find hopes long buried, possibilities never before seen, and glimpses of mysteries I am still unraveling.

The ebb and flow is still there, not as bad as before, but at times it still catches me by surprise. Yet God is using it to point out where I need to rely on Him more and learn from Him. I'm finding some incredibly difficult things to work on, things that have been part of me my entire life and are not easily changed or surrendered. And even harder is not only getting rid of them, but then filling that empty part of me with Christ and becoming like Him. For some reason my flesh doesn't want to become like Christ...huh, go figure. I think God's said a couple times that'll be how it is... :P

So, how about right now? Right now I am at peace. I have seen some pretty rough places in my life that need changing. I need to learn how to hope again. Pure hope, hope based and focused on Christ, and hope that will not disappoint. I need to start looking ahead to where God is leading me and what I need to be doing now to follow His lead in the here and now. I also need to suck it up and do my work. I have a book to edit, schoolwork to do, a small group to finish planning and start up, and a relationship with my Jesus to seek after. It's a lot, but He's given me the time, strength, and ability to do it; I just have to die to myself and start killing the flesh when it gets in my way.

Those are only a few. There are more ones that are small, ones that are all encompassing and can't be expressed in words, and some that honestly hurt too much to share, sometimes even with myself. But here are a few that you can ask me about if at any time the Spirit leads you to. I'll answer honestly, so be prepared to have some time to listen ;]

Right now, I feel close to God, but I know at any moment I could be pulled viciously away from Him by a surge of uncontrollable emotion. It used to be scary, the fear of when and if it would happen made me cling tighter to God and strike out harder to get back to Him on the shore. But now I'm not so keen to. He's brought a passage to mind that has made me stop and think. It is in Hebrews.

"It is for discipline that you endure; God deals with you as with sons; for what son is there whom his father does not discipline? But if you are without discipline, of which all have become partakers, then you are illegitimate children and not sons. Furthermore, we had earthly fathers to discipline us, and we respected them; shall we not much rather be subject to the Father of spirits, and live? For they disciplined us for a short time as seemed best to them, but He disciplines us for our good, so that we may share His holiness. All discipline for the moment seems not to be joyful, but sorrowful; yet to those who have been trained by it, afterwards it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness. 

Therefore, strengthen the hands that are weak and the knees that are feeble, and make straight paths for your feet, so that the limb which is lame may not be put out of joint, but rather be healed." - Hebrews 12:7-13

I find myself now sitting where the current's taken me and realizing God Loves me. He wants me to be more like Christ and is willing to put me through my paces so I do grow. I often fight it and just want to be with Him, want to be made whole, want to be at peace. But He keeps letting me be swept out to sea and come in again, then be swept out to sea and come in again, and be swept out to sea and come back again until I stop and realize what He is doing. He is training me by discipline and if I learn from it, I will gather the "peaceful fruits of righteousness."

Now, don't get me wrong. This hasn't gotten any easier, any more bearable, or any more enjoyable. Far from it. We often like to make large of little things and say that they are God correcting us and that we just have to find joy in them and they will pass or we will learn from them. But I don't think so. That isn't what this is saying. It says it's going to hurt! It says, "All discipline for the moment seems not to be joyful, but sorrowful." Realize that and let it stick with you! Discipline is never supposed to be fun or easy otherwise it loses its sting, its usefulness. Yes, disciple does end in the "peaceful fruit of righteousness", but that's after the discipline is done. Not when we say it's done or we think we've learned what we need to, but when God says it's done. So, take heart! Lean on God and trust that He will carry you through. Not on your time or when you can't stand it any more, but when He has broken you down and readied you to be built back up in the likeness of His Son.

That being said, I could use your prayers. I have a long ways to go with this discipline. And as for me and Alainya, we both could use your prayers. We're still friends and when I get back from Africa the future is still open, but that's the future and we're here now. So pray that we can learn from God's discipline and grow through it closer to God and more like Christ. The tides of both our lives are constantly changing, but God is right there with us and will always be, praise be to God!


Going with the Flow,
Joshua

Breaking Free from the Familiar

Emotions are strange things. They can bring you up from despair or sink you there.

Hope is a strange thing. It can be what makes you wake up and face another tedious day with a smile or what cuts your legs out from under you when it fails.

Desire is a strange thing. It can give you a passion for something or an all consuming obsession.

Faith is a strange thing. It can give you a solid ground to stand on and rely on or what you suddenly fall through as everything around you disintegrates.

I could keep going. Until now my life has always been my own. I had simple desires that couldn't fail, faith in something that couldn't be shaken, only let myself feel emotions I could control, and had only hoped for things within reach and sight. What happens when all that is changed? Well, get ready for a rocky ride!

Have you ever been in a place you are happy or comfortable with, a place where the path forward is known though it might be a little foggy? It's a nice place when you're there. You have certainty. You know what's coming, even if something unexpected pops up you know it will be something you can deal with. That's been my life. Looking back I'm torn that I've lived that way for so long. I've lived confidently plunging ahead into the 'unknown' because I know that the worst thing that could crop up I'd be able to handle.

Something strange happened last year. I looked ahead of me and saw two paths, one was the familiar 'unknown' and the other was completely new and unexplored. I felt God's pull and started down the latter path and trekked through the rough, often obscured, path. All the while I kept trying to get back to the familiar path while staying on this new path. It created a conflict within me I couldn't see then but is so very clear now. You can't have a foot on each path. They diverge permanently and no one can keep a foot on each path unless they are deceiving themselves and blind to the fact they're back to the familiar.

That divergence happened recently, and I was faced with my choice which path I'd truly follow. It's taken weeks for me to understand what is being asked of me. I have taken what feels like a hundred miles of blundering through the jungle of confusion and uncertainty to reach the top of the hill overlooking the divergence of the two paths I've been so skillfully walking on simultaneously. I have had my eyes opened to the fact I have been given the second, final choice which path to pursue...

I've been standing on that hill top for almost a week now, talking with God about what the future of each path holds. He has been remarkably closemouthed about both of them, simply saying that I need to choose what I truly want! The uncertainty has been wrecking me! I have been so used to certainty, even in the unknown I have been remarkably certain of what was coming. But now I was faced with complete uncertainty. God wouldn't tell me if He'd fulfill my newly revived hopes, dreams, passions, and desires if I plunged into the unknown. If He had just given me one, small reassurance that He'd be there with me I could have chosen it in a heartbeat! But that was what He was trying to teach me, to trust Him. I had to choose.

Oh, it was heart-wrenching. I had to let go of everything I am, myself as a writing, a desire for a family, wanting to Love on kids, even my faith that God would carry me through it all. Why did I have to let go of those things, especially the ones which seem part of following Christ? I needed to trust Him fully, not simply trust because I knew I could trust Him but because in spite of not knowing I would choose to place myself completely in His hands.

For me, this entrusting Him with everything I am and not knowing what He'd do with it was the hardest thing I've ever done. The past few weeks have been full of impossibly hard things, but this has surpassed all of them. I, who thrive on knowing, have to know nothing. If you show me how to do something and I then know how to do it, you can trust me to do it with excellence and excitement. That's all I've ever wanted from God, to know what He wants of me so I can tackle it with enthusiasm and excellence! A noble goal, right? But that's not what He wants. He wants us to abandon ourselves to Him so He can mold us, so He can be our strength when we lack the ability or knowledge to accomplish something, and so His light is what shines through, not ourselves.

Just thinking about today makes me thrilled and scared. . .

I am scared.

I am terrified.

I no longer know what God will do. Before, I knew what God would do; I didn't have to trust Him much because I knew what He would do because I knew Him, right? ...yeah...no. I'm now stepping out in action and the only thing I can do is trust God will be there with me; everything is beyond my control from school to my very future.

Trusting has taken on a whole new meaning to me right now. I feel vulnerable right now, stripped of all my own confidence. I feel like I'm walking through a wild country and any moment something could jump out and make me fail a class, which would mean I couldn't graduate in May and thus couldn't leave for Africa! Or maybe I won't even find where in Africa I am supposed to go! I have no control and I am holding on to God like a child with his teddy bear at night as the shadows might hold terrors.

I know it sounds pathetic. it is. I have decided to become pathetic for Jesus. That's the bottom line of it. I am leaving everything I know behind as I step closer to my God.

Now, I'm not saying I am fearful that everything will go wrong, though I would be lying if I said fear isn't a pretty common thing now. But my God is so much bigger! He might not let life work out how I want or am expecting it to, He's already proved that, but I know His plan is beautiful! I caught a glimpse of it as I started down the new, unexplored path. From that brief mountaintop vision I saw some pretty amazing things ahead of me, and I sure you'll see them later on here as I experience them! ;] But now I'm headed into the valley, walking a path where each step is new, unknown, and taken only by faith.

Less than a day on this path feels more refreshing than the past twenty years walking within the bounds of the familiar. This is going to test me to my limits and beyond; I already know that. But I have an infinite God with a beautiful plan ahead of me. Looking back, I think one amazing thing I've learned from the past couple weeks is that hurt heals, pain points us to where we need strength, and loss opens up a space for God to work in.

I would like to engage you right now. Whether you believe in prayer or not, I would appreciate it if you would pray for me. God has amazing things ahead of me as well as terrifying things, and I will need prayer for both. For right now, prayer that God would guide me where to go in South Africa after graduation would be so appreciated!

I am excited.

I am hopeful.

God has shown me how much I leave behind as I start my new journey, but for me that is His way of telling me Has some amazing things I need to make space for! I hope this has helped you see where I'm at right now and maybe encourage you to check out what path you're on. It's easy to be on the path of familiarity and think it's surrender to God; I know. But let me tell you, the sacrifice starts something you've never experienced before; you start the adventure of a lifetime! Quicksand, crazy baboons, losing your way; those are things that will cause you to stumble and fail on the path, but God's bigger than our mistakes and will use our broken, beautiful lives on the grandest adventure!

I'm starting that adventure today, no maps, no predefined end or treasure to find, but a perfectly Loving Guide, a tried and true compass, and companions I am going to trust! Will you join me? Will you join this adventure? Pursue God with everything you are and live with abandon! It's the hardest thing for us as humans to do; I know. I am going to slip up and try to find my way back to the familiar at times and only God's correction will bring me back. Yet, I have hope and faith that without a doubt this is the best choice I could ever make!


Taking the Path Less Traveled,
Joshua

One Push Can Start an Avalanche

What happens when God arrests your life? I fell down on a concrete sidewalk. What happens When God gives you a little push? An avalanche has just started for me

The past two days have been intense. I have been confronted, confused, and challenged in so many ways I feel like my life is getting pulled in every way possible. I wasn't ready for classes the day I walked onto campus, the past week focused on bringing other things to God, and now I feel like I have been spending the past two days to get ready for other things. So, I still am not ready for classes tomorrow.

Tonight stood out though. After a long day of my heart being tugged around by God, I felt Him pull in a very specific way. I rebelled, thinking I would appear creepy or at least strange but not in a good way. I kept going, coming up with an infinite number of reasons for why what I felt pulled to do wasn't right. Everything from I heard Him wrong to I might creep someone out. God kept on pushing, reminding me of everything He had been pouring into me that day until I finally stopped dead in my tracks.

I couldn't go another foot farther. I wanted to just close my mind out to this pull that felt wrong in so many ways! I didn't want it to be right, not because I didn't want it but because it goes against me. It would be stepping outside my comfort zone; it would be denying myself for someone else; and it would be taking what God says both in His words to me and in His Word as just that, His words. I felt myself pulled to my knees as an internal struggles raged. I was unwilling to admit this was God pulling on my heart, wanting it to be just me wanting to do something 'nice' that would end up being weird.

I stayed there on my knees for a few moments. I finally told God I would do this. I stood up and was shaking as I went back. I asked God something very simple, if this was from Him to give me a peace about it.

Breaking thoughts but not topic, I am horrible with words. When put in an awkward situation or a place unfamiliar to me(or sometimes even one familiar) my mind will spin at a million miles an hour attempting to figure out what to say. I struggle with even basically figuring out what to say, even so much as how I will even start talking. I almost never come to what I will say and have to just start saying when I do get there.

Yet, carrying on, as I was going back I felt God's peace. I knew He wanted me to go back. I didn't know how everything would go or if I would find the right words, but I knew God had asked me to and He proved it by putting my fears and worries to rest.

I won't carry on any more, but to summarize what happened I lived out what God has been calling me to the past couple days. I have been wondering how I can be the one to lead when I am seeing how far I have to go, but God showed me a couple things.

One, He can make up for my inability. When I would have carried on, pushing the pestering thoughts eventually out of my mind, He kep them there. When I could have stayed standing and eventually just rolled off as I shut my brain off, He brought me to my knees until I listened.

Two, He has chosen me. The times I think I'm nothing special I am both telling the Gospel truth and Satan's lie. I am nothing special, in and of myself, but God has taken this broken vessel and picked it up, setting it in a place among Kings. He showed me through this that He had decided I, weak, hurting, and knowledgeless me, am part of His plan!

I was humbled and still am. I don't know what will become of what I did. I am hoping it wasn't simply a test by God and that I was used to maybe help someone. But either way I will rejoice in what God did and does do!

I honestly wish I could escape His calling. I would overjoyed to serve Him in a quiet place where I could spend the rest of my life with Him, getting to know Him as I served those around me. But I know that was never His plan. I know He has something far more uncomfortable, painful, and intimate for me than that. He's calling me to all people. First I start here, where He's placed me and what He's put in front of me to do. In the future, it will be to a people I do not know, in a place I have never been, and with a goal He has yet to lay before me.

After tonight I'm excite dto say the least. I know it will be hard and trials will stalk every foot of the way, but I have a faithful God who is and will be taking care of me so I know it's all good! I'm praying, as promised.


Taking My First Steps,
Joshua

When He Asks You for Everything...

This week has seen a growing pile of stuff in the middle room of my home. I have been systematically going through everything I own and giving it to God. Which has meant that everything I don't need has been added to the pile that will either be given away to family and friends or donated. It's been a humbling experience to say the least. I have come across so many things that made me wonder what had made me keep them. But other things have been memories and pieces of myself that I cherish. One of those things has been my sword collection, and for those of you that know me this is something that would take a lot for me to do.

The first night was easy. I gave to God the major parts of my life. I gave Him my writing. I haven't written since, focusing on packing and cleaning out my life. Then I slowly gave away my swords, all but one that isn't in my power to give away. Even my practice sword and bayonets. Then I moved on to something smaller but which takes up a lot of room, my clothes. I went through and honestly asked what clothes I actually use. I got rid of everything I wear once a year or never and put it in the pile.

The whole time I've been asking God to fill what I'm tearing out of my life and replace it with Him. I have heard Him tell me He Loves me. I have heard that He has plans for me. And I have heard that He is working in all of this. But it's taken till today for me to stop long enough to actually listen to Him. I was looking at my Nerf guns and weapons, wondering if I had to give them up too. Not trying to hold on to them, but wondering why I had to let go of something that was used to have fun with others at college and honestly just be myself. That's when I actually heard God speak. Not hear what I expected Him to say, listen to part of what He was saying, or listen to what those around me were telling me about Him. That was when I listened to the God of the universe.

"I'm not asking you to give up your Nerf guns."

I was thrilled. They were the third thing I had heard Him ask me to give up when He had asked for my life. Then I was honestly skeptical and I asked, "Then why did you ask me to give them up?"

"I didn't."

"But I heard you say to give you everything, and that's part of everything."

Well, He didn't answer. He hasn't answered all day. I waited for a while and then put them to the side to figure out who to give them to and continued packing/cleaning. While song searching today I was reminded of a song that had hit me recently but I hadn't hear din a while and I looked up "All You've Ever Wanted" by Casting Crowns. I put it on and went back to cleaning my room. After it ended the first time something told me to put it on loop, so I did. God used that song to open my ears as He spoke again. This time He didn't use words; He put a burden on my heart that made the rest of the evening feel antsy and I couldn't feel peace anywhere. I felt that way until just recently.

As I was reading a book given to me by a friend, I felt Him bring scripture to mind.

Jesus said to him, "If you wish to be complete, go and sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, follow Me." - Matthew 19:21

I started thinking on it and my mind instantly fell into the well trod path i believe most Christians fall into; I thought He was saying to give Him everything and I said, "Exactly! I am giving you everything! Even those Nerf guns, they're yours!" I could feel Him shaking His head; I still wasn't getting it. He then recalled the words of "All You've Ever Wanted" to my mind. The whole thing. I can't explain it fully here, but this section was what He specifically pointed to-

I was chasing healing when I'd been made well

I was fighting battles when You conquered hell

Living free but from a prison cell

Lord, I lay it down today

So I'll stop living off of how I feel

And start standing on Your truth revealed

Jesus is my strength, my shield

And He will never fail me

(‘Cause) All You've ever wanted, all You've ever wanted

All You've ever wanted was my heart

Freedom's arms are open, my chains have all been broken

Relentless love has called me from the start

And all You wanted was my heart

Everything clicked into place and I asked tentatively, "You didn't really want my stuff did you?"

He smiled as I finally got it, "No, I was never asking for your swords, your hobbies , or even your dreams."

"But I know my swords had to go, I know I needed to give my dreams into your hands, and my writing needed to come after you."

"Yes, yes, and yes." At this point I was thoroughly confused and He continued, "But what made you know to do those things?"

I thought about it and realized He'd made the song come to mind for a reason, "It came from my heart. I gave you my heart and from that I wanted everything to be yours."

"Yes!"

"But what about the rich young ruler? You asked him to give everything for you."

"No, remember the next verse?"

But when the young man heard this statement, he went away grieving; for he was one who owned much property. - Matthew 19:22

I thought about it and His wisdom showed me what I have seen and known but missed for so long, "You weren't just asking for Him to give up everything, you were asking for his heart. But his heart was with his possessions and he couldn't give you his heart when it belonged to what he owned."

"\Exactly. When I have your heart I have every part of you. For me to have every part of you to use for my glory, you will have to take a time to turn your heart to me, but I've never asked you to give up on your dreams, your passions, or your desires. Yet, I want them. I want all of you and they are part of you. If you hold them back from me or try to do them on your own, I will have to correct your path, but I want them, not to throw them out, but to make them new!"

Needless to say, when this happened I quickly put the book down and went to share this! I look back and see the irony that I'm reading a book called Out of the Black Shadows and right now God is bringing me out of the shadows both Satan and my own lies have made. He's drawing me closer to Himself!

He has my Nerf guns. He has my dreams. He even has my swords(because now I don't :P ). But none of those individual things matters, all He's ever wanted is my heart. Knowing that, and that He Loves me and has promised to provide, care for, and light my path, gives me a profound sense of peace. Now, when I give Him the different, quirky parts that make me, I know He isn't some aloof, vindictive God that will hold back His blessing until I satisfactorily answer his question of, "Well, how much are you willing to give up for me?" Instead He is blessing me and waiting with arms wide open asking, "When will you give me every part of you that I may make it anew!"

When I picture that, my Father, standing with arms open wide asking me not give up everything for Him but to give my everything to Him, I can't help but feel my heart yearning to just let go of everything and run to Him. As I'm writing this my eyes are dripping; my soul knowing an indescribable Love that sets it on fire with passion for Christ. If you don't know that feeling I urge you with every fiber of my being, stop trying to keep giving things to God, trying to break a cycle of falling into sin or losing sight of God. Give Him your heart, your very being, all of you. And when you give Him your heart, the very center of who you are, everything else will follow.

I know I'll forget this. I am human and I really don't like that fact sometimes, but as I make a practice of letting the one I trust my dreams, desires, and passions with take and remake every aspect of myself, I know He'll be faithful. Faithful to remind me of this post. Faithful to do more than I ask! Faithful to be my God, my Savior, and my Love no matter what I do or how many times I forget. Thank you for reaching out to me, Lord.


Now, My Everything for His Glory!
Joshua

"Come"

It's finally happened. I've been waiting for this a long time. When I was younger, in high school and before, I never wanted to be uncomfortable. I didn't enjoy being pushed out of my comfort zone(that's a whole 'nother can of worms) and I told God something very clearly, "I am not going to the missions field." I was very direct, very logical. If people were to go out to the missions field they would need money and I would happily stay in the states and make the money to send them. Looking back that's probably my first indication of what has just happened.

From there I went through high school with the same idea, planning to either attend a big university and get a engineering degree or join the Navy as a nuclear engineer. Both make good money. I would be financially secure and able to help other reach people. Then I took a different turn. I got sidetracked some might say on a pointless education that won't help me much in the long run, I went after a degree as an author.

The past three years have been some of the most amazing years of my life. The hard times, the times I've seen God move in spectacular ways, and the lessons learned have brought me to where I am now. All the while I didn't want to do missions. I was never raised with a focus on it and I never learned much about it; I just knew that being flung that far from the only things I've ever known would be the hardest, most painful thing I'd ever done. God has a way of proving things like that wrong.

A year ago I met a friend who was and is on fire for missions. Getting to know her showed me what missions really were and it tore down the wall in my heart that I built to keep that passion away from me. But in spite of tearing the wall down, I still didn't know what to do. I am very poor when it comes to figuring things out on my own when it involves something I have no experience or exposure to. But I knew then that I was leaving. I even have a blog post titled "Leaving for Africa" saying how I knew that I was going to go; I just didn't know when or where. Half of that changed last night.

I have been unable to go out on missions because God's never given me the go ahead. That may sound strange to some who've spent their whole lives missionally focused or even in the missions field, but for me it was a new thing and God still wants me to finish where He's put me in the here and now before I go. But last night it finally happened. In the midst of pain, of trying to figure out what God wanted me to do after I finish school now that my life's upside down, I heard Him speak. I heard Him call to me, "Come."

I finally have the go ahead! I finally hear His voice telling me I can leave! I have two semester left of school and then I'm going to go. Where? I feel Africa. Africa's a big place, where? Well, He has yet to show that to me. I'm thinking it will be south Africa, but that's even still up in the air. It could be the Netherlands, Sweden, a remote part of Asia, Australia, or even the Middle East. I don't know where and at this point I don't care! Right now I just care that I get to go!

This hasn't come alone. I am about to rid myself of my ties here. My stuff that I enjoy so much is about to be given or sold away. This week will have a lot of time spent praying over where it will all go so that it gets to the people who will need it or enjoy it the most. This may come as a shocker to those who know me, but I may even be shelving my writing. If God asks me to leave my laptop here or tells me not to spend time writing my stories while I'm over there then it will mean they'll be put away until the time God gives them back to me.

This is scary. I still know nothing about missions. I started searching last night and felt overwhelmed with the options via one organization. I closed my browser and prayed. I am praying now and will be for months to come. He will need to guide me because I know I am woefully inadequate in all of this. I'm asking for help and hoping He supplies it, but I also know God likes His last minute things and may wait for me to rely on Him completely before He gives me anything more than, "Come."

Prayers would be appreciated. This doesn't make anything I'm going through easier but I understand the why now. I see His plan in everything I'm working through, and I hope beyond hope that this pain is for a reason. There are voices saying that this is all just emotions right now and I'm trying to find meaning that will fade like fog as my emotions settle down. I'm fighting back the darkness and the fear, but I know I'm not alone. My Lord is with me and stand beside me. He empowers me and gives me the strength to rise. One thing this has shown me; I am a warrior. But what good is a warrior lounging around home, will I become David sitting home when the army's out fighting? No. God's woken this warrior in the only way I could have been woken up. Battle lines are being drawn up and the next two semesters are the time for me to get my battle gear together and shed what of the world I've picked up so far. Shed my pride, shed the things I like and enjoy, and finally shed myself. Then, I will enter the battle with the right gear and with the right focus; my Lord and King Jesus Christ.


When Sleeping Warriors Rise,
Joshua

When the Music Stops

For the past couple days music has been grating on me, and for me that's a sign something's wrong. I love music! A good song can get my moving to the beat and put a smile on may face. I sing along with the catchy ones and turn my favorites way up. But in the past couple days I've found myself agitatedly surfing through the channels while driving at work for something that doesn't feel like sandpaper as I listen to it. For me, that's a sign something is off. Some part of me is out of whack and it affects the rest of me.

Well, today something happened. I'm not sure if it was one of the hundreds of prayers, simply God's mercy, or, someone else's prayers, but I heard the music again today. On the way to the job site today I was surfing channels and finally turned it off because I just couldn't stand to listen anymore. Finally I got the job and the other guy had the radio on. I sighed inwardly hoping I could tune the sound out and not feel out of whack the whole day. It worked for a while, I got into my job and time started to go by, then I heard the music.

The first song made me literally stop in my tracks. My brush paused mid stroke and I listened. It was the first note that caught my ear and from there I heard the music-

I'm trying to find where my place is 

I'm looking for my own oasis 

So close I can taste this 

The fear that love alone erases 

So I'm back to the basics 

I figure it's time I face this 

Time to take my own advice 

Love alone is worth the fight

I almost dropped my brush at how perfectly that explained how I felt right then and how much the last two lines just hit me full on. "Time to take my own advice, Love alone is worth the fight." It makes me sad how much I forget my own advice, my own foundation. With that song I felt God stand next to me and say, "Do you remember now, why you began all this in the first place? Love alone." Needless to say I had my ear attuned to that radio for what would come next, and something did...

I could go into the next song and take a thousand words to explain how it resonated with me because almost every line spoke to me about something or another. Same deal with this one, from the first note I felt something pulling me and I couldn't help it as I let the music flow through me, but what stood out above all were three parts of the song where it said-

Make me broken

Make me empty

Make me lonely

Lord, please keep making me

Can I say wow? Wow. Huh, guess I can ;] Those four lines, one at the end of each verse, stuck out to me. It's a progression. Broken to empty. Empty to lonely. And lonely to God filling me. But the music didn't stop there...

Those two were followed by a song that refocused me. The last two made me see where I was and opened up the way I needed to go to grow. The whole song was good but what jumped out at me and stuck was one line-

All you ever wanted was my heart

That's it? Yes. He doesn't want my friendships, my games, my money, my time, or anything I do. He wants my heart, because He knows that with my heart comes every part of me. When Christ has my heart, I give Him everything and it's a joy to do so! I realized how much I wanted to give him every part of me, but I was overlooking all of me. So, you'd think He was done, but nope! Another song played a while later that filled everything out.

I have always loved this song. Maybe I should listen to it more often... And while the song is a whole and to adequately explain it I could easily copy and paste the whole song here, I will stick with a couple verses-

We pray for wisdom, Your voice to hear

We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near

We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love

As if every promise from Your word is not enough

And all the while, You hear each desperate plea

And long that we'd have faith to believe

'Cause what if your blessings come through rain drops

What if Your healing comes through tears

What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near

What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

I was crushed at how much I was hurting God and making Him sad as I looked past His promises to the pain the felt all too close to me that I've been holding close by not turning to God for His promises. I know them so well, but I forget them all too often. And that was it. I was pulling out of the job site with a lot to think about and trying to piece things together. I hopped in my car and started driving. I had barely turned onto the expressway when my hand unconsciously strayed to the radio. i turned on the music and the first note to hit my ear had me bouncing in my seat with pure joy. I enjoyed every moment of the song until the last couple verses and realized that this song wasn't just me finding music again, but God saying one, final thing-

Still wondering why I'm here

Still wrestling with my fear

But oh, He's up to something

And the farther on I go

I've seen enough to know

That I'm, not here for nothing

He's up to something

So now's my time to be a man

Follow my heart as far as I can

No telling where I'm ending up tonight

I never slow down or so it seems

But singing my heart it's one of my dreams

All I gotta do is hold on tight

The whole song is one I resonate with and feel like it's a story about my life, but this part could have been cut out and laid out in front of me and it would be the exact steps I know are ahead of me right now. I am wrestling with fear right now, but I choose to hope despite the pain of it, the fear of it, and uncertainty of it.

That got me back home, well that and twenty other songs that I was finally able to enjoy again! I know now that something back in place, my heart. And because of that I'm excited to see where He takes me, because He's not finished with me yet.


My Heart Once Again Tuning into God,
Joshua

Finding The One

Most of you know me at least a little and the fact that I tend to break norms and am not a huge fan of what is popular in culture is often how I am and it can even get a little frustrating at times I'm sure. Well, I always thought that if something was popular in culture that it was suspicious. I'm not sure why. But I tend to question practices, eschew norms, and flat out disagree about certain issues. But that is just background for what's been on my mind the past week.

So, during my quiet times I've been reading through the minor prophets a lot and one thing has stuck out to me, the fact that what's popular is usually what's wrong. So many times in Israel, God's chosen nation even, the people fall into thinking that something is acceptable or that a particular practice is how it's supposed to be. Then a prophet comes along and God informs them that His people need to come back to Him. They are usually following idols, sacrificing children, or trusting in other nations to save them. No big deal, right? I mean every other nation around them is doing it so it has to be right...or not.

Thus, during the past week, I've been seeing more and more how relevant that is. We as Christians in America tend to take our social cues, ways of looking at life, and many of our ideas from the culture around us. What is taken as true by most Americans is true for us, as long as it doesn't contradict scripture of course. Right? Wrong.

The radio was on at work the other day and it was playing some pop music station and a song came on about 'the one' and finding 'the one' or finally marrying them. The song barely registered in my conscious as painted but when it was almost over everything clicked into place. Popular culture says that we are all waiting for our 'one.' The handsome guy who will sweep you off your feet and is your prince charming. The special girl who is like no other and has been waiting for you her whole life.

Red flag. My mind remembered back to the minor prophets and started practicing my negative capabilities. I ran the concept of 'the one' through the Word of God and came up blank. Zip, zero, nadda. I couldn't think of any time God said that He had picked out a special someone for everyone. He never said that if we didn't find the right person everything would go wrong or we'd have a terrible life. Actually not even close. The only time He even gets close to 'the one' is when He's talking about already married couples, because they become one and should never be separated.

So, I started thinking about what God does say. As a guy my mind went to a wife. Today I just read Proverbs 31 and so what leaped across my mind was the last couple verses where it says,

"...But a woman who fears the Lord, she shall be praised. Give her the product of her hands, and let her works praise her in the gates."

Pretty simple, a woman who fears the Lord is the end of a whole chapter describing the perfect wife. That one trait, not being 'the one' but fearing God is what makes the best wife. Now, I know that the same thing is true about a man. It isn't whether he is good looking, suave, or rich, but whether or not he fears God.

Now I'm not saying someone can't be more compatible with one person that with a different person, but what really matters is not compatibility or being 'the one' but whether or not they fear God. Because I believe from that fear of God will come humility, patience, kindness, and everything else that will make a marriage work, no matter how different the two may be.

So, that has been on my mind the past week and wanted to get it off my shoulders. I used to be looking for 'the one', but then I realized God can do anything and can make anyone the one person I am going to marry. That freed me from trying to figure out who was my needle in the haystack and focus instead on Loving those around me and caring for the hurting and the needy. And you know, when I did that something amazing happened, but that's a story for another time ;]


Remembering God is the Only One,
Joshua

Dreams: Lost, Found, and Feared

It's amazing how a song can capture how you're feeling at times. I am struggling right now. Sometimes I wonder how much instagram kills my joy. Wow, three completely disjointed sentences, but they are what I'm feeling right now. Maybe that's part of it, why I'm not feeling so good right now, that things are disjointed. Just a shower of problems or fears that doesn't go together but just rains on me.

To start, I think the idea of instagram is far more dangerous than I've ever thought before. I was on facebook and kept scrolling past awesome pictures of friends and complete strangers smiling and doing exciting things. That's all I see every day as I scroll on facebook is the smiling faces of people enjoying life, and they're edited to look so nice and perfect. Well, at times I look at my life and wonder why my life isn't like that. Now, when I actually think about it I realize that nobody's life is like that every day and those pictures are probably just a good moment among many bad ones, but sometimes I forget that and today was one of those days.

So, today has been a rough ride, trying to figure out life. Looking to the future and what am I expecting to do and what I'm hoping will happen has been full of unknowns. I've had dreams and lost them a long time ago. I went on for the longest time without dreams, figuring living life as it comes means you can enjoy it even if it takes a bad turn because you are excited for what is happening instead of what you're hoping will happen. Then I found my dreams.

Gradually I have opened the dust covered box I stuffed my dreams in so long ago and have been remembering and finding them one by one since. So, when I look at my life and don't see how it could ever get to what my dreams are is...not something I can put to words. It's hard to be disappointed when your expectations are to do your absolute best in the moment you're in and with what you have been given. Once I looked ahead, planned ahead, and set a bar that I hope for the possibility of failing can be shattering.

So, I get to writing tonight and start listening to music. I play song after song and it's just background sound for what I am putting down in black and white. Then, one stands out. It was one I'd played several times already and hadn't hadn't hear what was said till then. I think it was partly that I process life as I write, my experiences, struggles, and hopes working their way out as I write. So, when I had sufficiently processed my day I heard the line, "Hope is our four letter word." It stopped me in my tracks. For those of you that don't know, the term 'four letter word' is a euphemism for sayings something's a swear word.

That resonated throughout me and I couldn't get it out of my head, "hope is our four letter word." I kept writing for a few minutes and then stopped and opened this post, knowing it was time to share what was on my mind. Right now hope to me is something disgusting, a swear word. And the irony is that it's made even more personal because I try my very best not to swear and never have; I also believe hope is essential to life and have likely encouraged people to hope or told them they need it. So, that hope has become a swear word to me now says so much, that so many things are wrong right now.

I believe strongly that to fight an enemy you have to know who or what it is and now I can put my finger on the problem. Now I'm trying to work through it, bringing it before God and asking Him about it. He has been talking but right now I can't understand Him, I can't hear Him...and that's another unusual thing for me that makes me wonder what's wrong right now. So, combine that with Ecclesiastes and trying to figure out what I'm worth and it's pretty close to what life's like right now.

Wow, I will never cease to be amazed at how much it helps to say it, bring it out into the light and see the enemy's face. I'm not feeling as bad as I was this morning or through the afternoon, praise God. But there's still a lot to work through. However, I am honestly happy I am struggling with this right now because I know when it's all over that I will be more mature and closer to God because I had to go through it. And that's half the battle right now, being thankful for the problems He's put in my way. But I'll say this, it's been as I'm writing these very words that my joy has returned and a smile has crossed my face as I think about my savior and how He works the bad into my good.

Now I just have to learn that my need to write about things to work them out isn't a curse but how God made me. Once I get over the fact I feel like a failure whenever I simply can't explain to most people what's wrong or what I'm going through, then I believe I will be closer to who God's made me to be. Remembering he made me and made me special is something I think I will always struggle with and thus means I'm always working on doing better! So long for now, time for me to get back to writing my book ;]


Seeing the Enemy for Who He is and Taking Steps to Fight Back,
Joshua

Seeing the Face of Jesus

Today I had a song running through my head, and no matter what I couldn't seem to get it out. The song is Jesus in Disguise by Brandon Heath. All day the line from the song that is the title replayed over and over. Finally I decided to stop and think about it. I couldn't remember what the rest of the song was about, just that line. And so I thought about that line and what came to mind was how do we look for Jesus? We long to see him, people ask why he doesn't appear to them in person, and some have always asked him to.

The next thing that crossed my mind was how I, and I'm sure many others, see those around us and those who are different than us. We look at them with contempt, condemnation, or criticism. Then into my head came how Jesus talked about when we serve the least of these we serve Him. I couldn't help but think that I consider myself blessed and rich because I have Christ. And anyone without Him I believe is missing something special and amazing. So, as I judge those around me, I am looking at Jesus and passing by Him.

Then the words of the song came back into my memory. Jesus in disguise. Jesus never disguised himself, he told us we are his representatives and when we help the least of these we help him. He was bold in telling us where he would be, as Jesus always was.

It was then I realized who it was the was putting Jesus in disguise. It was me. Every time I judge someone, look past them thinking they'll never change, or match someone fire for fire or anger for anger I am putting a disguise on Jesus. I am covering up His life in me with the disguise of this world. Jesus is on disguise everywhere; everywhere there is one of His children that won't humble themselves or chooses to follow those around them, Jesus is in disguise.

I am the most guilty of this. I do it every day and sometimes don't think twice. Though maybe it's even worse when I do think twice. I need to take the disguise off Jesus so His light can shine through, so He can reach out to those around me, so I can start being who I am called to be. I need to humble myself and focus on Jesus. Time to change it form Jesus in Disguise to Jesus is My Life.


Taking off my disguise,
Joshua

The Little Things in Life

The past couple days have been really rough with Alainya being gone. I have had a lot of free time and when I think of something to do I realize I can't do it with her and I won't be able to for a very long time. It's at times like that I turn to God and ask for His comfort, His peace, and His Spirit in me.

In all honesty it's the little things that make all the difference in life, and I am finding that out more and more. For one, I miss being able to share the simple, little parts of life with someone else who I always knew would listen and maybe even smile, laugh, or share something in return. I always thought I'd miss seeing her the most, maybe miss he hugs the most, or miss talking with her the most. But, in truth, I miss sharing the small things in life the most.

Well, while that may sound very disheartening, it's not all like that. There are places where God uses the little things to remind me of her, make me feel like she's there in some small way, or bring back to mind why I Love her. Today in church I was singing and the Slakes come in. I watch as Benjamin walks in and as soon as he sees me he takes off running to me and says, "Jua," as only Benjamin does with his childlike excitement. I smiled a big smile and said hi and gave him a kiss on the head. He stood next to me for a bit before going to sit with his dad.

And, for the moment he was there, I felt Alainya next to me. It was a small thing, Benjamin excited to see me, but it reminded me of Alainya and made me feel like she was there. It was the moment tonight, when I looked at the western horizon and saw the clouds highlighted in a soft, rosy glow that I remembered the love we both have of watching and enjoying sunsets.

It's always been the little thing in life and I'm sure it will continue to be the little things of life that make it so special to me. God's speaking to me through it all, trying to remind me of the little things about Him I Love and calling to long for Him more and more. And, though this is hard and some days are going to be rough getting through no matter what, He is looking out for me and it is all the little things in life that point me again and again to that fact. Thank you, Jesus, for taking the time with this broken man to show him the little things in life he misses far too often.


Learning from God in the little things,
Joshua

What is the Purpose of Life?

Ever asked or wondered about the answer to that question? I have. Quite often in fact. When things are going alright I ponder it in a more philosophical way, but when life is rough I really wonder how I can find it out. Well, without trying to sound like a know-it-all, I believe I just realized what it is.

Now, at this point a Christian is waiting for when, after a long explanation, I say to bring glory to God, and everyone else who knows about Christians is thinking something similar. Well, that's not it.

Wait, before you brand me a heretic or crazy, though I'm probably the last one, I'd like to share what I realized tonight.

It started earlier today. I did a lot of driving for work and thoughts and ideas were bouncing around in my head all day. Then, after work I was spending time with my girl when I realized what I was thinking. It was something about whether Loving someone was worth it. My instant answer to myself is that it's not about whether it's worth it or not, Love isn't about what you can get from someone.

It took me until later, after I'd left, for the lightning bolt to strike, as it were. That's what the Bible says about Love, right? It is constantly talking about how Love is self-sacrificing, doesn't seek it's own, and always perseveres. Then my thoughts switched over to the fact that God Loves us. And lastly it touched down on why are we here, why did God create us?

My first thought was a typical Christian answer, to glorify God. A moment was all it took before I felt prompted to put it another way. So I re-thought it to a rephrased way, our purpose is to bring glory to God. At that point I am always overwhelmed with the inevitable next question, how do I bring glory to God? A million answers follow and I feel like I fail so many of them, that I could never do all or even most of them, and that it's so hard to know if I am glorifying God. That's when I had the rug pulled out from under me.

I felt as if a whisper asked, what if that isn't it? I was instantly on guard. Of course that's it, God created everything to bring glory to Himself. Another almost imperceptible question, if He created us and Loves us, would making us only to glorify Him be true Love? I was about to rattle off another Sunday school answer when what i'd been thinking about the whole day seemed to fall into place. Love is not self seeking, like at all. Two things that I couldn't be any more sure about is that God Loves us and that Love does not seek its own. So there I am, left with a difficult impasse and so I asked for wisdom to unravel this conundrum, and God let me catch a glimpse of why I am here.

God Loves me, that's possibly the best place to start. He created me because He Loves me. He knew me before I was born and His desire is that I walk with Him, have a relationship with Him, and that I know Him. He shows that Love every day as He cares for me, provides for me, and forgives me. Right now, the most popular Christian opinion is that God created me to honor Him, it is said in the Bible. But as I was thinking, I wondered if that is truly selfless and I could only come to the conclusion that it's not. You may say God isn't being selfish here, or that He's God and deserves all honor, glory and praise. And both of those are correct, but He didn't create us to honor Himself. He created us to Love us. That's what Love is, selfless.

Now, maybe that seems like heresy, maybe you're completely lost, or perhaps this has been as big a light-bulb as it was for me. But whichever it is, the question remains, why are we here?

Well, let me get to that. So, God created us to Love us. Evidence of that is clear in the Bible. He wants us to enjoy life, to find joy in Him, and to bring joy to each other. He created us without Himself in mind, only caring for us. But then comes the break in the perfect plan, we break away from Him. We don't want to follow Him or have any part with Him, we want what we want, kinda typical for most of humanity. That separates us from God who has a Holy standard that is absolute.

From there the cross is where hope is restored, Christ dies and those who Give their lives to follow Him are reunified with God's Love for us. Then we end this by saying that we are supposed to bring glory to God and be nice Christians, then end.

....But that isn't right, and that still always left me feeling like there was a yawning gap where I was trying to find my purpose in life. And that's what finally came to me. As I was wondering whether Loving someone was worth it, I realized it isn't. You don't get when you Love, you give. Love isn't about self, it's about serving the other even when you're tired, it's about laying your problems aside to care for another's, and it's about being there when the other isn't there for you. And I realized how terrible I am at that.

That's when the whisper of a voice said, that's the purpose. I was confused, my purpose is to Love? I guess it made sense, God is Love, and Christ did say that He wished were one with Him as He is one with His Father. If God is Love, then being one with Him would mean being Love as well, and I am far from that. So I am trying to Love? Our purpose in life is learning how to Love those around us? Yes. Plain and simple. God desires that we learn to put others before ourselves, seek to serve even when we're hurting, and never act for our own gain.

Okay, sounds like a tall order, and it is. But it brought me such joy, even though it was mixed with sorrow. I finally know what my purpose is, not some obscure ideology or Biblical quip, but the honest truth that God designed me for, to Love. And, as I was thinking about it, the Bible is still true when it says our purpose is to bring God glory and to honor Him. When we follow His example to Love, we honor Him. When we serve others through Love is bring glory to the one who is the author of Love, the Lover of our souls, and role model of Love.

But with that is sorrow, I fail so often at Love. Tonight I was too preoccupied with myself and muffed it. I am realizing how infinitely far away from who I was made to be I still am...guess that lines up with the Bible too... But there's hope, God's promised help, guidance, and has an endless supply of patience. So with His help I can get there, I can strive toward that goal.

That's it. I don't know if that struck you as it struck me, but that's my purpose in life now and for eternity. My purpose, and your purpose, is to learn how to Love. It's a lifelong journey, ask anyone over the age of fifty, especially if they have a family. But now I understand and see a little bit more about my God and all it ever does is make me want to know more about Him, and with perseverance He gives me the sight to see and the wisdom to understand.


Living to Love,
Joshua