Emotions are strange things. They can bring you up from despair or sink you there.
Hope is a strange thing. It can be what makes you wake up and face another tedious day with a smile or what cuts your legs out from under you when it fails.
Desire is a strange thing. It can give you a passion for something or an all consuming obsession.
Faith is a strange thing. It can give you a solid ground to stand on and rely on or what you suddenly fall through as everything around you disintegrates.
I could keep going. Until now my life has always been my own. I had simple desires that couldn't fail, faith in something that couldn't be shaken, only let myself feel emotions I could control, and had only hoped for things within reach and sight. What happens when all that is changed? Well, get ready for a rocky ride!
Have you ever been in a place you are happy or comfortable with, a place where the path forward is known though it might be a little foggy? It's a nice place when you're there. You have certainty. You know what's coming, even if something unexpected pops up you know it will be something you can deal with. That's been my life. Looking back I'm torn that I've lived that way for so long. I've lived confidently plunging ahead into the 'unknown' because I know that the worst thing that could crop up I'd be able to handle.
Something strange happened last year. I looked ahead of me and saw two paths, one was the familiar 'unknown' and the other was completely new and unexplored. I felt God's pull and started down the latter path and trekked through the rough, often obscured, path. All the while I kept trying to get back to the familiar path while staying on this new path. It created a conflict within me I couldn't see then but is so very clear now. You can't have a foot on each path. They diverge permanently and no one can keep a foot on each path unless they are deceiving themselves and blind to the fact they're back to the familiar.
That divergence happened recently, and I was faced with my choice which path I'd truly follow. It's taken weeks for me to understand what is being asked of me. I have taken what feels like a hundred miles of blundering through the jungle of confusion and uncertainty to reach the top of the hill overlooking the divergence of the two paths I've been so skillfully walking on simultaneously. I have had my eyes opened to the fact I have been given the second, final choice which path to pursue...
I've been standing on that hill top for almost a week now, talking with God about what the future of each path holds. He has been remarkably closemouthed about both of them, simply saying that I need to choose what I truly want! The uncertainty has been wrecking me! I have been so used to certainty, even in the unknown I have been remarkably certain of what was coming. But now I was faced with complete uncertainty. God wouldn't tell me if He'd fulfill my newly revived hopes, dreams, passions, and desires if I plunged into the unknown. If He had just given me one, small reassurance that He'd be there with me I could have chosen it in a heartbeat! But that was what He was trying to teach me, to trust Him. I had to choose.
Oh, it was heart-wrenching. I had to let go of everything I am, myself as a writing, a desire for a family, wanting to Love on kids, even my faith that God would carry me through it all. Why did I have to let go of those things, especially the ones which seem part of following Christ? I needed to trust Him fully, not simply trust because I knew I could trust Him but because in spite of not knowing I would choose to place myself completely in His hands.
For me, this entrusting Him with everything I am and not knowing what He'd do with it was the hardest thing I've ever done. The past few weeks have been full of impossibly hard things, but this has surpassed all of them. I, who thrive on knowing, have to know nothing. If you show me how to do something and I then know how to do it, you can trust me to do it with excellence and excitement. That's all I've ever wanted from God, to know what He wants of me so I can tackle it with enthusiasm and excellence! A noble goal, right? But that's not what He wants. He wants us to abandon ourselves to Him so He can mold us, so He can be our strength when we lack the ability or knowledge to accomplish something, and so His light is what shines through, not ourselves.
Just thinking about today makes me thrilled and scared. . .
I am scared.
I am terrified.
I no longer know what God will do. Before, I knew what God would do; I didn't have to trust Him much because I knew what He would do because I knew Him, right? ...yeah...no. I'm now stepping out in action and the only thing I can do is trust God will be there with me; everything is beyond my control from school to my very future.
Trusting has taken on a whole new meaning to me right now. I feel vulnerable right now, stripped of all my own confidence. I feel like I'm walking through a wild country and any moment something could jump out and make me fail a class, which would mean I couldn't graduate in May and thus couldn't leave for Africa! Or maybe I won't even find where in Africa I am supposed to go! I have no control and I am holding on to God like a child with his teddy bear at night as the shadows might hold terrors.
I know it sounds pathetic. it is. I have decided to become pathetic for Jesus. That's the bottom line of it. I am leaving everything I know behind as I step closer to my God.
Now, I'm not saying I am fearful that everything will go wrong, though I would be lying if I said fear isn't a pretty common thing now. But my God is so much bigger! He might not let life work out how I want or am expecting it to, He's already proved that, but I know His plan is beautiful! I caught a glimpse of it as I started down the new, unexplored path. From that brief mountaintop vision I saw some pretty amazing things ahead of me, and I sure you'll see them later on here as I experience them! ;] But now I'm headed into the valley, walking a path where each step is new, unknown, and taken only by faith.
Less than a day on this path feels more refreshing than the past twenty years walking within the bounds of the familiar. This is going to test me to my limits and beyond; I already know that. But I have an infinite God with a beautiful plan ahead of me. Looking back, I think one amazing thing I've learned from the past couple weeks is that hurt heals, pain points us to where we need strength, and loss opens up a space for God to work in.
I would like to engage you right now. Whether you believe in prayer or not, I would appreciate it if you would pray for me. God has amazing things ahead of me as well as terrifying things, and I will need prayer for both. For right now, prayer that God would guide me where to go in South Africa after graduation would be so appreciated!
I am excited.
I am hopeful.
God has shown me how much I leave behind as I start my new journey, but for me that is His way of telling me Has some amazing things I need to make space for! I hope this has helped you see where I'm at right now and maybe encourage you to check out what path you're on. It's easy to be on the path of familiarity and think it's surrender to God; I know. But let me tell you, the sacrifice starts something you've never experienced before; you start the adventure of a lifetime! Quicksand, crazy baboons, losing your way; those are things that will cause you to stumble and fail on the path, but God's bigger than our mistakes and will use our broken, beautiful lives on the grandest adventure!
I'm starting that adventure today, no maps, no predefined end or treasure to find, but a perfectly Loving Guide, a tried and true compass, and companions I am going to trust! Will you join me? Will you join this adventure? Pursue God with everything you are and live with abandon! It's the hardest thing for us as humans to do; I know. I am going to slip up and try to find my way back to the familiar at times and only God's correction will bring me back. Yet, I have hope and faith that without a doubt this is the best choice I could ever make!
Taking the Path Less Traveled,
Joshua
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