Coming Full Circle

I have come full circle.

An expression that is often used. It usually means completion, but for me it means beginning. Go back to last year, at the beginning of the the semester. I had gotten into my first relationship and my life was headed for a lot of change. But to set this up, I need to do a bit of backstory...

I grew up in a great home. I may not have liked it then and I may feel that something was missing now, but my parents loved me and raised me well. As for me, I am someone who once I get an idea I hold it very firmly until something comes along that can sway me to let go of that idea and look for a new one. So, growing up I got a lot of my values, a lot of my habits, and a lot of my beliefs from my parents, from what they taught me, exemplified for me, and disciplined into me.

When I first left home and went to college, I held onto these beliefs to help me navigate my way through a foreign and scary new environment. I had those beliefs challenged, shocked, or reinforced through that first year and I started to make them my own, but only my beliefs. How I acted, who I was, stayed the same. College challenged where I stood on things, not how I was raised or how I decided to live. That started last year.

Until last year I had never dated anyone. Until then I had never stepped outside my social bubble. Doing both has done a number on how I live, how I view life, and my personal compass. I have come face-to-face with people who view life totally different than I do. I knew plenty of people did, but when I actually got to see why they did, what caused them to view life the way they did, I started to lose the ground I stood on. My faith and morals that had been reinforced my whole life and shored up by caring parents were starting to crumble without the help I had been provided while at home. Over the course of a year major parts of each were put to the test and refined in fire.

The first to go was my giving. Now I'm not talking at church, but in my own life. I had an RA my freshman year who had a personal code that I greatly respect. If anyone saw a shirt on him they liked or a hoodie or something and asked for it, he'd give it to them. Just like that! Going into college I enjoy giving to others. Money, my time, any possessions I had were someone else's if they needed them! I enjoyed it, it was fun! But over the past year I have started getting stingier. I have held onto my stuff more, hoarding it away. I kept my money and didn't want to be open handed with it because I had to "think about the future." I have traveled the whole year getting worse and worse until God finally stopped me and made me make a decision. It ended with me getting rid of many things I had. They were simply things, and yet I let them get between me and my walk with God. So I gave away some of my prize possessions to those I knew would appreciate and use them. I am still letting go of a lot of my stuff, my money, and my time. I haven't gotten back to where I was, but I am come back around to where I started...

Next was reading the Bible. Since sophomore year I have been reading my Bible every day. It started intermittently and soon it became an everyday occasion because of how much I Loved to read it! I read it with an excitement and passion and I would spend time in it. Over the past year that has gone from exciting to almost ritualistic. It has slowly turned into something I just do, instead of celebrating a gift God's given me. That changed today actually. Chapel today was amazing and God reached down and spoke to me, saying, "This has become a ritual to you. One you enjoy, but one that has lost its passion for you." I realized He was right(always is :P ). And I have spent a lot of time praying earnestly today and He's re-sparking that passion for the gift He's given me!

The biggest one has probably been my future. Coming into college I trusted entirely on God to guide my steps, overcome what obstacles would rise in my path, and to give me strength when I was empty. The past year has slowly deconstructed that. Planning for the future, worrying about after college, wondering what I'm going to use my degree for, and many other things have doggedly drawn my eyes away from following God's guidance in the everyday that I may be in His will for the long haul! He's still working on me with that one. I am starting to look ahead--something He's called me to do--but I am no longer worrying about how He's going to use where He's put me. He's brought me here for a reason, and I know He has a plan for it in the future.

These are just three major ones. There are others, but through them all He is bringing me full circle. He is taking what was once blindly trusted in and turning it into something I can build upon; Him and Him alone. It's not been an easy process and there has been many hard times because of it, but His plans for the future are still leaving me in shock as I can only blink in awe at what He has planned :] I believe all of us undergo a testing of our foundations and what matters to us. And after the fire has cleansed the dross, we will stand before him as pure gold, ready for Him to work into a masterpiece! This is the beginning of another chapter, one built on Him and not what I've been taught.


In God's Flames,
Joshua