When the Music Stops

For the past couple days music has been grating on me, and for me that's a sign something's wrong. I love music! A good song can get my moving to the beat and put a smile on may face. I sing along with the catchy ones and turn my favorites way up. But in the past couple days I've found myself agitatedly surfing through the channels while driving at work for something that doesn't feel like sandpaper as I listen to it. For me, that's a sign something is off. Some part of me is out of whack and it affects the rest of me.

Well, today something happened. I'm not sure if it was one of the hundreds of prayers, simply God's mercy, or, someone else's prayers, but I heard the music again today. On the way to the job site today I was surfing channels and finally turned it off because I just couldn't stand to listen anymore. Finally I got the job and the other guy had the radio on. I sighed inwardly hoping I could tune the sound out and not feel out of whack the whole day. It worked for a while, I got into my job and time started to go by, then I heard the music.

The first song made me literally stop in my tracks. My brush paused mid stroke and I listened. It was the first note that caught my ear and from there I heard the music-

I'm trying to find where my place is 

I'm looking for my own oasis 

So close I can taste this 

The fear that love alone erases 

So I'm back to the basics 

I figure it's time I face this 

Time to take my own advice 

Love alone is worth the fight

I almost dropped my brush at how perfectly that explained how I felt right then and how much the last two lines just hit me full on. "Time to take my own advice, Love alone is worth the fight." It makes me sad how much I forget my own advice, my own foundation. With that song I felt God stand next to me and say, "Do you remember now, why you began all this in the first place? Love alone." Needless to say I had my ear attuned to that radio for what would come next, and something did...

I could go into the next song and take a thousand words to explain how it resonated with me because almost every line spoke to me about something or another. Same deal with this one, from the first note I felt something pulling me and I couldn't help it as I let the music flow through me, but what stood out above all were three parts of the song where it said-

Make me broken

Make me empty

Make me lonely

Lord, please keep making me

Can I say wow? Wow. Huh, guess I can ;] Those four lines, one at the end of each verse, stuck out to me. It's a progression. Broken to empty. Empty to lonely. And lonely to God filling me. But the music didn't stop there...

Those two were followed by a song that refocused me. The last two made me see where I was and opened up the way I needed to go to grow. The whole song was good but what jumped out at me and stuck was one line-

All you ever wanted was my heart

That's it? Yes. He doesn't want my friendships, my games, my money, my time, or anything I do. He wants my heart, because He knows that with my heart comes every part of me. When Christ has my heart, I give Him everything and it's a joy to do so! I realized how much I wanted to give him every part of me, but I was overlooking all of me. So, you'd think He was done, but nope! Another song played a while later that filled everything out.

I have always loved this song. Maybe I should listen to it more often... And while the song is a whole and to adequately explain it I could easily copy and paste the whole song here, I will stick with a couple verses-

We pray for wisdom, Your voice to hear

We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near

We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love

As if every promise from Your word is not enough

And all the while, You hear each desperate plea

And long that we'd have faith to believe

'Cause what if your blessings come through rain drops

What if Your healing comes through tears

What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near

What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

I was crushed at how much I was hurting God and making Him sad as I looked past His promises to the pain the felt all too close to me that I've been holding close by not turning to God for His promises. I know them so well, but I forget them all too often. And that was it. I was pulling out of the job site with a lot to think about and trying to piece things together. I hopped in my car and started driving. I had barely turned onto the expressway when my hand unconsciously strayed to the radio. i turned on the music and the first note to hit my ear had me bouncing in my seat with pure joy. I enjoyed every moment of the song until the last couple verses and realized that this song wasn't just me finding music again, but God saying one, final thing-

Still wondering why I'm here

Still wrestling with my fear

But oh, He's up to something

And the farther on I go

I've seen enough to know

That I'm, not here for nothing

He's up to something

So now's my time to be a man

Follow my heart as far as I can

No telling where I'm ending up tonight

I never slow down or so it seems

But singing my heart it's one of my dreams

All I gotta do is hold on tight

The whole song is one I resonate with and feel like it's a story about my life, but this part could have been cut out and laid out in front of me and it would be the exact steps I know are ahead of me right now. I am wrestling with fear right now, but I choose to hope despite the pain of it, the fear of it, and uncertainty of it.

That got me back home, well that and twenty other songs that I was finally able to enjoy again! I know now that something back in place, my heart. And because of that I'm excited to see where He takes me, because He's not finished with me yet.


My Heart Once Again Tuning into God,
Joshua