Starting this month was not the lowest the tide's ever been for me, but it was filled with the most vicious current I've ever faced and dragged a lot out to sea. Just before school started I was informed that God called the person I'd been dating for nearly a year to let go of all others and seek Him alone. She let me know that meant me and let go of me, and I am proud of her for that. It also was the worst rip tide I've ever been in. It swirled me around, ripped me from shore, disoriented me, and left me adrift.
I struggled to swim back to shore, leaning heavily on God all the way. He was my life preserver then, the only thing holding me up when I simply could go any farther right then. I got back to shore and found myself at college. I look around the beach and realized how bare it was, the current had pulled a great many things out with it. I knew I didn't have time to stop and get oriented so I tackled something, only to find that my source of encouragement was no longer there--I've faltered more than once since then. I faced strange things left behind by the tide, emotions, parts of my past, plenty of dead fish, but I had no one I could talk to about it, no one there that I trusted implicitly.
Those first few weeks were strange. I wandered, literally at times around campus, and was shocked at how much of my life was uprooted, torn apart, or left strew on the beach. I walked in a daze sometimes, too numb or completely overwhelmed to even begin to think. It still happens now, I find myself unable to do anything from playing a computer game to enjoy simply walking outside because of the utter lack of anything or the pure overwhelming chaos of everything. I can't even begin to describe how hard it is to be outside looking up at the stars at night and feel...nothing. No closeness to God, no peace, no joy, just nothing because I'm filled with so much there that there's no longer room for anything else. I can't even think. Imagine being unable to think. Yeah, if you'd asked me to do that before now I'd probably have looked at you strange and wondered how someone could not be able to think. Well, I guess I didn't know everything, but I already knew that ;] ...sorry, couldn't help that one :P
Through this whole time I've been actively running after Jesus. He's the only one who can help. He's the only one who can show me where peace is. He is the only one who can give me confidence. He is the only one who knows what will set me on my feet again. And at times I find Him and am at peace for a while as I walk with Him unhurriedly and rest in knowing and being with Him. Then the tide rushes in and sucks me out again, the overwhelming emotions cascading over me. I struggle out of them back to the beach and start my search again. Every time it's impeded by skewed hopes, broken pieces of the past, or my own frailties. But every time He is faithful to lead me back to Him and give me the peace without which I would have lost it after a couple weeks.
Recently Jesus has been doing something a little different. He's still walking with me and giving me peace between the ebb and flow of my emotions, but every once in a while he points to a hole in the sand. I run over and look in. It's a tide pool. Some are deep, almost bottomless, and some are shallow enough I reach the bottom. In every one He shows me things I wouldn't have seen if the tide had just stayed high. One is he confidence He has given me as my own. The ability to rise to a difficult or bewildering challenge and face it with His help. This pool was made with help by a very special person who I remember every time I look at it and God reminds me of it. In other ones I find hopes long buried, possibilities never before seen, and glimpses of mysteries I am still unraveling.
The ebb and flow is still there, not as bad as before, but at times it still catches me by surprise. Yet God is using it to point out where I need to rely on Him more and learn from Him. I'm finding some incredibly difficult things to work on, things that have been part of me my entire life and are not easily changed or surrendered. And even harder is not only getting rid of them, but then filling that empty part of me with Christ and becoming like Him. For some reason my flesh doesn't want to become like Christ...huh, go figure. I think God's said a couple times that'll be how it is... :P
So, how about right now? Right now I am at peace. I have seen some pretty rough places in my life that need changing. I need to learn how to hope again. Pure hope, hope based and focused on Christ, and hope that will not disappoint. I need to start looking ahead to where God is leading me and what I need to be doing now to follow His lead in the here and now. I also need to suck it up and do my work. I have a book to edit, schoolwork to do, a small group to finish planning and start up, and a relationship with my Jesus to seek after. It's a lot, but He's given me the time, strength, and ability to do it; I just have to die to myself and start killing the flesh when it gets in my way.
Those are only a few. There are more ones that are small, ones that are all encompassing and can't be expressed in words, and some that honestly hurt too much to share, sometimes even with myself. But here are a few that you can ask me about if at any time the Spirit leads you to. I'll answer honestly, so be prepared to have some time to listen ;]
Right now, I feel close to God, but I know at any moment I could be pulled viciously away from Him by a surge of uncontrollable emotion. It used to be scary, the fear of when and if it would happen made me cling tighter to God and strike out harder to get back to Him on the shore. But now I'm not so keen to. He's brought a passage to mind that has made me stop and think. It is in Hebrews.
"It is for discipline that you endure; God deals with you as with sons; for what son is there whom his father does not discipline? But if you are without discipline, of which all have become partakers, then you are illegitimate children and not sons. Furthermore, we had earthly fathers to discipline us, and we respected them; shall we not much rather be subject to the Father of spirits, and live? For they disciplined us for a short time as seemed best to them, but He disciplines us for our good, so that we may share His holiness. All discipline for the moment seems not to be joyful, but sorrowful; yet to those who have been trained by it, afterwards it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness.
Therefore, strengthen the hands that are weak and the knees that are feeble, and make straight paths for your feet, so that the limb which is lame may not be put out of joint, but rather be healed." - Hebrews 12:7-13I find myself now sitting where the current's taken me and realizing God Loves me. He wants me to be more like Christ and is willing to put me through my paces so I do grow. I often fight it and just want to be with Him, want to be made whole, want to be at peace. But He keeps letting me be swept out to sea and come in again, then be swept out to sea and come in again, and be swept out to sea and come back again until I stop and realize what He is doing. He is training me by discipline and if I learn from it, I will gather the "peaceful fruits of righteousness."
Now, don't get me wrong. This hasn't gotten any easier, any more bearable, or any more enjoyable. Far from it. We often like to make large of little things and say that they are God correcting us and that we just have to find joy in them and they will pass or we will learn from them. But I don't think so. That isn't what this is saying. It says it's going to hurt! It says, "All discipline for the moment seems not to be joyful, but sorrowful." Realize that and let it stick with you! Discipline is never supposed to be fun or easy otherwise it loses its sting, its usefulness. Yes, disciple does end in the "peaceful fruit of righteousness", but that's after the discipline is done. Not when we say it's done or we think we've learned what we need to, but when God says it's done. So, take heart! Lean on God and trust that He will carry you through. Not on your time or when you can't stand it any more, but when He has broken you down and readied you to be built back up in the likeness of His Son.
That being said, I could use your prayers. I have a long ways to go with this discipline. And as for me and Alainya, we both could use your prayers. We're still friends and when I get back from Africa the future is still open, but that's the future and we're here now. So pray that we can learn from God's discipline and grow through it closer to God and more like Christ. The tides of both our lives are constantly changing, but God is right there with us and will always be, praise be to God!
Going with the Flow,
Joshua
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