Thoughts on a Thursday Night

I want to have a topic in mind before I start writing a post, I enjoy knowing at least in some vague way where my thoughts are going.  But today I don't have a specific idea in mind, there are far too many tumbling around in my head to pick any one out.  So, as the disclaimer says, I will simply share my thoughts with you.  Mind though, I am not even sure what's going to come out.

First off my week has been insane.  This summer has taken an awful toll on me that I didn't understand the ramifications of until now.  Video games are no longer a de-stresser.  I can no longer unwind by hopping on a video game and playing for a little bit.  Now this may sound trivial to some, or perhaps somewhat interesting to others, but it has been a nightmare for me.  I used to pride myself(Huh, first hint something bad's going to happen) on the fact that I was never stressed.  I could go through some pretty crazy circumstances and I wouldn't be stressed, or at least I could easily and quickly deal with that stress in a way that rendered it inconsequential.  But I no longer can.  I didn't feel it immediately after summer camp(where the change happened) because nothing really stressing me then.  I didn't feel it the first few weeks of school because I was starting up classes and everything was pretty simple.  I felt it when life got crazy, I got no sleep, and everything was due. That's when it hit me, with a force I had never felt before.

That's just the tip of the iceberg, I had known video games could no longer de-stress me since a couple weeks after camp but I didn't know what that meant, I had never dealt with stress.  I had always been comfortably free of it.  I was a wreck that night, I couldn't think straight enough to solve simple equations, my words were slow and clunky, and I felt as if gravity had doubled.  I walked through a fog for a couple days before I made it to the other side of the piles of homework and could breath, I'm still not back to normal.  I have quickly found that turning to God is the only way it gets any easier, the only way to alleviate or relive even a little bit of the crushing weight.

I know why it happened, I asked God to draw me closer to Him.  I did the one thing any sane person would shy from, because when I said it, I meant it.  I wanted to grow closer to Him, I wanted to know Him more; I didn't know what that meant.  But He did, He knew that for me to get closer to Him, He'd have to kick out what stood between us, and so He did.  I'm wondering why He did it, why couldn't He use a different method, an easier method?  Why not change the desires of my heart instead of change my life?  Hmm, sounds kind of funny huh?  Me telling my God what to do with my life, yeah He's probably chuckling to Himself right now too.  But that's how I felt, and still do in some ways, I want my life left alone and He can change my heart so in return I can change my life, and maybe leave some things in that aren't "too bad".  But He isn't satisfied with that, He doesn't only want my heart, He wants me.  And me includes everything.

Speaking of everything, I've been thinking of something recently, something I've never really given much thought to before.  My future.  Well I've thought about my future before, wondered what I'd do after college, where I'd get a job, and, well, stopping there.  I kind of look at my future as what I'd do.  Which, to most logical people is what it is.  Right?  Well right now I'm kind of thinking about it in different way, a really different way.  I'm looking at the end of college and wondering how I might be providing for a family, my job is no longer what's sufficient to sustain me but to sustain those under my care.  I look even further at where God has me going, Africa, the Middle East, South America?  I have no clue, but He's put them on the table, asking me what I think.  Kind of scary, God saying, "So, there's people that need to hear my Word proclaimed in Africa, they need to see and hear it in the Middle East, and there are those seeking me but not knowing what to look for in South America; what do you think about the needs in these areas?"  I'm more than mildly daunted and am like, "Uh, they need to hear about You...uh, perhaps someone should go to them."  Right now He's just nodded and keeps looking at me, I'm not quite sure what to make of it yet.  He's
refrained from talking to me for now, and I'm scared as to what it means.  Because honestly I am scared of the unknown, I am willing to trust but that doesn't mean I don't fear.

Back to providing, what does that look like right now?  Who am I supposed to be pouring into  and caring for right now?  I have several obvious people that God's put in my life and laid on my heart, but I know there are more, God's told me so.  But He hasn't shown me, He's waiting for me to find them.  Sometimes I step back and am daunted by what God's called me to do, I am just a man and right now I am at the most broken I've ever personally been.  I'm physically exhausted, mentally gone, and spiritually dry right now.  I am wandering through a wilderness with only the dim outline of God to seek after, and right now I feel like He's leading me deeper into the desert.  I am a strong person because I have had to be my whole life, but when my own strength fails and I'm left crushed what is left?  I'm always one for a solution, always there with an answer!  But right now even my own answers are flying in my face, they seem like useless words compared to how I feel right now.

But it doesn't end there, thankfully it gets better!  No, nothing spectacular happened, no great change has yet to come upon me; in fact, I'm expecting this whole semester to feel somewhere along this vein.  However, I do trust in God, and by saying that I am claiming His promise to always be with me.  When they faced some of their greatest enemies, God told His people in Deuteronomy 31:6

"Be strong and courageous, do not be afraid or tremble at them, for the Lord your God is the one who goes with you. He will not fail you or forsake you."

 They were facing things beyond their strength to defeat, an unknown future, and more stress than you can imagine!  But God told His people, 'He(God) will not fail you or forsake you.'  He didn't tell them everything would be alright, they wouldn't suffer, or that they would never lose, because they would.  Their sin would draw them away from God and their rebellion would cost them many things, and because of this God would let them reap the consequences.  But, God said He'd always be with them, and He has yet to break a promise.

I like trust, a random trivia fact about me for the day.  I find joy in knowing that someone is trustworthy and being able to trust them.  It can hurt when someone turns out not to be, but for some reason that doesn't deter me.  But here's something I CAN trust, but far too often don't.  Why don't I?  I have yet to find out, perhaps I'm scared of putting that much on the line.  Trusting that God is with me when I'm going through trials and wilderness is more than I feel comfortable doing because if He lets me down then I'm not sure where I'll stop falling.  Yet that's what's wrong with me right now, I'm not trusting God right now and that's what's making this time so hard for me, because I have no one I can rely on.  Or, rather, I don't have anyone reliable I am relying on, because I let myself down far too often.

I like closing off a blog past saying that I'm going to do something or that I'm going to change something, yet right now I want to trust in God but I'm not sure if I really will.  Funny to hear myself saying that, I have always had faith in God; that's the one thing that has never changed since I started believing in Him.  Yet right now I am wondering if I can truly trust on God in this, or if I'll keep relying on myself.  I guess I'll close with a prayer, which perhaps is what I should do every time.

Father, I am not doing so well right now.  I am weighed down by work, lack of sleep, and concern for those around me.  Something has been breaking for a while, my ability to do what I need to, and I need your help...no I need you to completely take over.  I asked this summer for you to draw me closer to you and you've made the way open for me to, but I haven't.  Will you continue to draw me to you?  Will you continue on to completion what you've started in me?  That's what I'm asking right now, that you don't leave me here wondering where I am, please guide me and lead me, Father.  In the name of your Son, Jesus Christ, Amen

Wishing Life Wasn't So Hard, But Glad God's Always With Me,
Joshua

Breaking Down Being Broken

So how's the past couple days been?  Kinda terrible actually.  I've been feeling really broken, the weight of this semester and what's in store has me scared, hurting for those around me, and feeling somewhat lost.  So right now I'm broken, wondering if more or less this is how the rest of the semester is going to be.  But just as I was wondering this a thought hit me, the answer to the question of if this is how the semester is going to go.

Now the answer didn't come in the form of a yes or no response but instead in the form of a challenge from God to me.

"How do you handle brokenness?"  That's what He asked me.  I stopped for a moment and thought about how I respond when I'm broken, when I'm hurt or when I'm hurting for others.  Well, I'll be honest, most of the time when I feel broken I turn to God and ask that He make me feel whole again and that He'd take my brokenness and use it for His will.

Now there's nothing wrong with this; if I want to be made whole in Christ and ask for healing, He oft times will lead me to healing and to oneness with Him.  But then there was last night.  Last night was crazy.  After a day of getting back in touch with my friends, making new friends, and getting ready for classes today, I had a growing feeling that something wasn't right.  I felt broken and I didn't know why; I was hurting so much I could physically feel it in my chest, like someone had taken a wooden stake and stabbed me with it.  I prayed God would help me through it and bring me out stronger in Him on the other side.  He told me that He would but I had to wait.  I hate waiting(props to you if you read this in Inigo Montoya's voice).

But as it turns out I wasn't waiting on Him, He was waiting on me.  He had something for me to do before He'd heal me.  What was it, well I didn't see it till right now.

So yesterday I was hanging out with friends, fellow Cornerstone students and a close friend, and the whole time I had this feeling of brokenness I've been talking about.  Throughout the whole time I was slightly distracted with asking God to heal me inside and take away these feelings of brokenness until we split up for the night to head our respective ways.  At that point I stood there alone, wrestling silently with these feelings and wondering what to do.  Then I knew what to do.  On the way into the building I was standing in I had seen one of my friend's face and I knew that he needed prayer.

So I walked into his room and we talked about how things were going and how I could be praying for him.  As I prayed for him and his roommate, I felt a sense of peace.  That was the tipping point.  From there I just started praying for everyone I knew that needed prayer, I prayed that night at my dorm room, I prayed as I got ready for bed, and as I fell asleep.

Today I'm still hurting for those around me, but not as strong as I was last night.  And that's when I realized something amazing, God had broken me so that I'd be willing to help those around me that were breaking.  As I thought about that and the implications my mind exploded.  I am broken because there are those around me that are broken.

Honestly, before now, if God had told me that He broke me and let me be hurt so I could help those around me I would have resented it.  I don't like feeling the creeping sense of dread and hollowness that I get when I'm broken.  Why should I have to feel it merely because someone else is hurting, let them turn to God and seek His healing and leave me nice and unbroken, thank you.  How shallow am I.

So that's it, that's why I'm broken, because there are those around me that need a friend to come beside them and be there with them and encourage them.  So now I have this "spiritual radar" of sorts.  Whenever I feel broken I need to reach out to those around me that are hurting, broken, and lost.  I need to no longer think about being made whole, but being broken even more so that I never forget that I'm part of a community here at college and a community of faith who need each other to stand beside each other to care, love, and build each other up.

"...the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve..." Matthew 20:28

We are called to be like Christ, and he wasn't looking to be served, but to serve those around Him.

"...through love serve one another." Galatians 5:13

We are called to place others before ourselves and take care of each other.

There are countless passages where we are called to place others before ourselves and far too often I don't do that.  So God, in His loving kindness, revealed His way for me to look past myself.  I am to look at those around me when I'm broken and pray for them, walk beside the, and sometimes simply be there for them.

The cool thing about this is that now I'm looking forward to the next time I'm broken, not because it'll bring me closer to God and more like Jesus, but because I get to actively do that as I am being broken!!


Joyfully Anticipating Hurting,
Joshua

Words With Friends I

Well something's been on my mind recently, it's one of the many saying that I have.  And, if you know me, you've probably heard plenty of them by now.  Where I pick these up I don't usually remember.  Why I say them is because they mean something special or unique to me and every time I say them they remind me of something that I often shouldn't forget.

The one I feel like I should share today is, "This is the first day of the rest of my life."

Now many of you have possibly heard that before, it's the lyrics of a song, it's the title of a book, it's the name of a movie, and the list goes on.  It's not a saying unique to me.  So why is this something I say and why is it something I've been thinking about recently, well, let me tell you.

Coming into this school year I've been feeling really weighed down.  The past couple years I have taken a back seat and been content to watch life go on around me, not reaching out to build up those around me.  I didn't seek out ways to help lead and serve, merely enjoying living comfortably.  And now that plagues me, how could I have been so selfish?  And because of that I don't feel like I'm where I should have been.

So I have my failures looming over me and the realization that this is what I've been for the past couple years and it's become a habit, and it will be so easy to fall back into who I've been.  Looking in the past has this strange of sapping your energy to live for the future.  So I've been trying to look forward to what God has for me this year, but I feel the presence of what I was creeping up behind me and I find myself looking every so often over my shoulder.  It's a problem I have, letting my past sneak up on me, even when it's not trying to and it's simply me worrying.

But this is where this particular saying brings my mind back on track.  First off it says nothing about the past.  It helps me look to the work I have to do now, not what or how I've failed in the past.  Second it gives a sense of hope, I have a life ahead of me that God has a plan for and good works He's prepared for me to do!

Wow, even righting this I have this thrill that God's got something just around the corner for me to do!  It's my way of remembering that God's right there with me and because of that my past is past and my future has yet to become the past, so it's time I start living in the present.

So that's the first one.  You'll see more of my sayings as God lays them on my heart.  I hope you were encouraged at this and the fact that what's in the past can only affect your future if you let it, because today is the first day of the rest of your life, so live it now how you want it to be.  Because tomorrow never comes, it stays tomorrow and all you have is the here and now.  And the past never becomes your future, it can just become what you see in the future when you stop looking at what God has for you to do and instead look at how you've failed in the past.

I challenge you to live like today is the first day of the rest of your life!


Starting Over, Starting Today, and Starting With Christ,
Joshua