True Love Drives Out Fear

Hmm, well, I have seen my fair share of ups and downs recently.  Break has been nothing I expected; there has been so much more joy and so much more hurt than I ever expected.  In some ways I wanted this to be a place where I am who I am; no pretenses that I hid behind, just the honest truth.  Guess this'll be the litmus test.

I know many people who say they walk in the light; they are friends, acquaintances, family, and strangers.  They follow the path God's set before them for their lives as best they can.  I've always counted myself among them.  I have this uncanny knack for seeing God everywhere.  I see Him in the little day-to-day aspects of life and in the life changing moments of the past few years.  I've done my best, or that's what I've always said.  My motto is, "Give everything your best, and, pass or fail, you will stand on the other side with the confidence you did all you could."  That's been my take on school and life in general.  Work as hard as you can and in the end whether or not you succeeded isn't as important as whether or not you gave your all.  I came face-to-face with my own way of thinking last night and it still sends a tingle of fear down my spine as I think about it.

Yesterday was pretty normal.  Work on my book, read, and clean around the house, nothing unusual for a normal break day.  I spent the evening with the same person I've been hanging out with for most of break and we watched a movie and ate dinner, nothing unusual for a normal break day.  Yet, as soon as I arrived at her house I felt something was off.  Then, driving home we stumbled into a conversation that ended poorly.  We weren't mad, nothing was "wrong", but I could finally put my finger on what was happening.  I was being blocked out.  I felt alone.  Later that evening, she said something that widened that gap considerably and I was left alone.

I was sitting on the couch when it happened.  I was pondering how hard Loving someone is, how difficult being selfless can be when the same isn't being reciprocated to you, when the feeling started.  I had an internal feel similar I can only compare to the view you see in a movie when the main character is looking down a tunnel that starts to stretch until it's impossibly long.  I felt like I was being left behind as something was stretching far away form me.  I wasn't being left behind, I wasn't being abandoned, but I was being left alone.  I was perplexed for a moment, something didn't feel right.  I asked God what was happening and I got no answer.  Well, not one I understood at the time.

That's when the attack came.  Fear slammed into my stomach.  Doubt, frustration, even hatred harassed me and played with my thoughts as my own mistakes, failings, and unworthiness were marched past my eyes.  I cried out in desperation to God and saw Him at the end of the that stretched out tunnel.  He was still with me, but for some reason I couldn't feel Him.  I wrapped my arms around myself as I sat on the couch, any warmth in me sucked out.  I sat there struggling for some time, trying desperately to fight the darkness around me with what weapons I had at my disposal, my will.  It wasn't long before it was all but overrun, only a small vestige remained, clinging to my lifeline, Jesus Christ.

I restlessly prepared for bed, going about my normal routine in a very abnormal way, oppressed everywhere I turned.  I finally collapsed on my bed, crying out to God.  Asking for help and his strength to fight the almost palpable darkness around me.  No reply came and as I knelt next to me bed, lying my face on my clenched hands.  With watery eyes, I could only stare at the afghan my aunt had knitted for me which covered my bed and look the darkness in the face.  I don't remember how long I prayed, but eventually I picked myself up and slid under the covers.

The cold returned and I lay there beset by fears.  Self doubt and self ridicule had filled the part of me where hope usually stayed, and, as I lay there, I struggled to regain hope.  A though crossed my mind, something along the lines of, "If I am being oppressed, perhaps it's because I'm threatening Satan in some way."  This thought was ruthlessly thrown aside by self doubt and self ridicule and trampled into the dust, any hope it could have brought crushed along with it.  This happened time and time again.  Finally, I curled up in a ball and offered one last, desperate plea for God's help and closed my eyes.

Today has been hard.  When I awoke, I could feel God was there again, but the memories of the night before felt seared in my memory.  I could still feel the utter loneliness if I thought about it, shivers accompanied the thought every time I brought it to memory.  I went about my morning and tried not to think, losing myself in a book.  Looking back, I can still the enemy playing his more subtle tricks.  An important text I had sent apparently was canceled and never made it to the recipient, I conveniently found something to distract myself that I "needed" to do whenever I started remembering the previous night, and I started bottling up the feelings that had arisen as I've done many times before.  Little things that could be overlooked or possibly brushed aside, but I see them very differently and their affect on me almost made me forget the whole thing.

Now, finally to why I'm writing this.  This whole sequence in review is where I can finally see what I wasn't able to see last night.  God was speaking to me, it just happened to be through means I couldn't understand at the time.

I was asking God about Love before it all happened last night, I was questioning the calling He's given me and if He'd give me the strength to endure.  I asked Him if I could Love, sacrifice, and put another before myself if they didn't sacrifice for me or put me before themselves.  That's when He pulled back.  That's when the attack came.

As I started processing what happened and asked God what He is trying to show me, I came face-to-face with my savior, Jesus Christ.  I saw Calvary.  I saw Him, alone, bearing the weight of sin.  His sacrificial Love poured out on me as He hung there alone.  Then, as the ultimate stroke, the Father even turned away, leaving Him utterly alone.  He knew.  He knew before going to Calvary what it would entail.  He knew what Loving others selflessly would entail, His own hurt, humiliation, and rejection.  And here I am, feeling a little emotionally separated from the person I profess to Love and I wonder how I'll ever manage?  Not the slap in the face I wanted, but the slap in the face I needed.

God went further, He wasn't done there.  He showed how I had been drawing away somewhat emotionally in the past week and the fact He had not stopped caring for me one iota.  I pointed out the fact He had let me be assailed by the enemy and he nodded.  I wasn't quite sure what He meant by that.  I pondered it for some time before I realized what it was for.  He had shown me the merest taste of what it would be like if He ever did distance Himself from me or leave me.  The realization made me shiver and still does.

I'm sure I still haven't understood everything God was and is trying to show me.  I wasn't planning on this post when I sat down, it kinda wrote itself and I watched as God showed me thing after thing as He wrote through my fingers.  All I can say at the end is I am humbled.  My own ideology that I simply have to do my best was throw at me in no uncertain terms and exposed as the crutch I've been leaning one for years.  God also showed me how utterly ineffective it was and proved I can't do anything on my strength alone; so, why have I set it as my standard for so long?  But, this also leaves me challenged.  God pointed out His called to Love and what it means, entails, and will require.  It's nothing short of impossible...for me that is.  Jesus Christ set the standard and I am called to follow Him in everything I do and everything I am.

As I look back on my words they are heavy.  The weight they carry makes me swallow at the enormity of what I am called to do.  But I am not alone; I am never alone.  Even when I felt alone, I knew God was with me; He was letting me face the darkness in my own heart I didn't want to see, the log in my own eye as it were.  I guess in closing I am encouraged by His promise to never leave me and that He's always guiding me.  Guess it's time to find a new motto :P


Standing in His Light Amid the Darkness,
Joshua

Simply Being You

I'm still floored.

I was approached the other day by someone who told me that I had made a difference.  I had blessed someone I didn't even know with actions I hadn't thought mattered.  I had made a difference in the midst of others who didn't seem to care.  Some of them just stand and stare at me, thinking I'm a fool or crazy.  I am both, but that doesn't change the fact that how I act is part of who I am.  This simple truth, that what I do is part of more than just me.  It affects more than just who we are; it connects those around us with us, community.

All that to say I was floored.  When I was told I was looked up to and not ignored.  I never thought my actions could inspire or that people cared.  I was just being me.  I guess it's so funny to see yourself in the mirror that someone holds up when they show what you've done.  The lives you've touched, perhaps hearts you've won.  But it all fades away, becomes nothing, without the Son.

All that to say I am not all that.   My God's the one so great; He's taken a sinner like me and is making him a saint.  He's the one shining through when people see me worship.  I am not full of praise for his grace on my own, and without Him I am just a man in search of meaning.  He gives me purpose and from that I praise; I praise His name, I laud His fame, and to me it's all the same.  This purpose, this praise, they're both a reactor to the factor of what He's done in me.  It's Him, not me, you see.

All that to say I am not going to change.  That's not to say I'm perfect.  I'm still flawed, still fall and stumble as I try to follow my Lord.  But I can't do it on my own; it's only Christ in me and this I know.  God took a sinner and changed his heart.  That's just it; not of works that I have done but the sacrifice of God's Holy Son.  So, like I said, I am not going to change, but God has changed me, is changing me, and will change me through the power of His Spirit.  And the moment comes when just being you is letting God work through you.

That's what I see when people laud me.  I see God working so powerfully in my life that it's changed, and it'll never be the same.  From darkness to light, out of sin's eternal night, freed from death's blight; I am saved.  Saved from myself, saved from sinning, and saved from never being able to change.  Now He's done it and it's He who's begun it and He who shines through this broken man.


Well, sorry if that post is a bit weird or you couldn't follow it, I was trying my hand at spoken word.  Ironically not spoken, but decided to put it down here anyway since it's been on my mind recently.


Letting God Shine Through,
Joshua