Ever asked or wondered about the answer to that question? I have. Quite often in fact. When things are going alright I ponder it in a more philosophical way, but when life is rough I really wonder how I can find it out. Well, without trying to sound like a know-it-all, I believe I just realized what it is.
Now, at this point a Christian is waiting for when, after a long explanation, I say to bring glory to God, and everyone else who knows about Christians is thinking something similar. Well, that's not it.
Wait, before you brand me a heretic or crazy, though I'm probably the last one, I'd like to share what I realized tonight.
It started earlier today. I did a lot of driving for work and thoughts and ideas were bouncing around in my head all day. Then, after work I was spending time with my girl when I realized what I was thinking. It was something about whether Loving someone was worth it. My instant answer to myself is that it's not about whether it's worth it or not, Love isn't about what you can get from someone.
It took me until later, after I'd left, for the lightning bolt to strike, as it were. That's what the Bible says about Love, right? It is constantly talking about how Love is self-sacrificing, doesn't seek it's own, and always perseveres. Then my thoughts switched over to the fact that God Loves us. And lastly it touched down on why are we here, why did God create us?
My first thought was a typical Christian answer, to glorify God. A moment was all it took before I felt prompted to put it another way. So I re-thought it to a rephrased way, our purpose is to bring glory to God. At that point I am always overwhelmed with the inevitable next question, how do I bring glory to God? A million answers follow and I feel like I fail so many of them, that I could never do all or even most of them, and that it's so hard to know if I am glorifying God. That's when I had the rug pulled out from under me.
I felt as if a whisper asked, what if that isn't it? I was instantly on guard. Of course that's it, God created everything to bring glory to Himself. Another almost imperceptible question, if He created us and Loves us, would making us only to glorify Him be true Love? I was about to rattle off another Sunday school answer when what i'd been thinking about the whole day seemed to fall into place. Love is not self seeking, like at all. Two things that I couldn't be any more sure about is that God Loves us and that Love does not seek its own. So there I am, left with a difficult impasse and so I asked for wisdom to unravel this conundrum, and God let me catch a glimpse of why I am here.
God Loves me, that's possibly the best place to start. He created me because He Loves me. He knew me before I was born and His desire is that I walk with Him, have a relationship with Him, and that I know Him. He shows that Love every day as He cares for me, provides for me, and forgives me. Right now, the most popular Christian opinion is that God created me to honor Him, it is said in the Bible. But as I was thinking, I wondered if that is truly selfless and I could only come to the conclusion that it's not. You may say God isn't being selfish here, or that He's God and deserves all honor, glory and praise. And both of those are correct, but He didn't create us to honor Himself. He created us to Love us. That's what Love is, selfless.
Now, maybe that seems like heresy, maybe you're completely lost, or perhaps this has been as big a light-bulb as it was for me. But whichever it is, the question remains, why are we here?
Well, let me get to that. So, God created us to Love us. Evidence of that is clear in the Bible. He wants us to enjoy life, to find joy in Him, and to bring joy to each other. He created us without Himself in mind, only caring for us. But then comes the break in the perfect plan, we break away from Him. We don't want to follow Him or have any part with Him, we want what we want, kinda typical for most of humanity. That separates us from God who has a Holy standard that is absolute.
From there the cross is where hope is restored, Christ dies and those who Give their lives to follow Him are reunified with God's Love for us. Then we end this by saying that we are supposed to bring glory to God and be nice Christians, then end.
....But that isn't right, and that still always left me feeling like there was a yawning gap where I was trying to find my purpose in life. And that's what finally came to me. As I was wondering whether Loving someone was worth it, I realized it isn't. You don't get when you Love, you give. Love isn't about self, it's about serving the other even when you're tired, it's about laying your problems aside to care for another's, and it's about being there when the other isn't there for you. And I realized how terrible I am at that.
That's when the whisper of a voice said, that's the purpose. I was confused, my purpose is to Love? I guess it made sense, God is Love, and Christ did say that He wished were one with Him as He is one with His Father. If God is Love, then being one with Him would mean being Love as well, and I am far from that. So I am trying to Love? Our purpose in life is learning how to Love those around us? Yes. Plain and simple. God desires that we learn to put others before ourselves, seek to serve even when we're hurting, and never act for our own gain.
Okay, sounds like a tall order, and it is. But it brought me such joy, even though it was mixed with sorrow. I finally know what my purpose is, not some obscure ideology or Biblical quip, but the honest truth that God designed me for, to Love. And, as I was thinking about it, the Bible is still true when it says our purpose is to bring God glory and to honor Him. When we follow His example to Love, we honor Him. When we serve others through Love is bring glory to the one who is the author of Love, the Lover of our souls, and role model of Love.
But with that is sorrow, I fail so often at Love. Tonight I was too preoccupied with myself and muffed it. I am realizing how infinitely far away from who I was made to be I still am...guess that lines up with the Bible too... But there's hope, God's promised help, guidance, and has an endless supply of patience. So with His help I can get there, I can strive toward that goal.
That's it. I don't know if that struck you as it struck me, but that's my purpose in life now and for eternity. My purpose, and your purpose, is to learn how to Love. It's a lifelong journey, ask anyone over the age of fifty, especially if they have a family. But now I understand and see a little bit more about my God and all it ever does is make me want to know more about Him, and with perseverance He gives me the sight to see and the wisdom to understand.
Living to Love,
Joshua
Tuesday, June 10, 2014
Monday, April 21, 2014
Fallen
What do you go to when you're down? It tells a lot about you. I have gone to many things over the course of my life and each has failed me, even myself. Especially myself. So, when something goes wrong where do I turn? If you asked me I would say with sincerity, God. I turn to Him in prayer, I look to Him for strength, and I trust in Him for guidance. But what I say is not who I am. As I'm in this ongoing struggle, the struggle to deny myself, the struggle to follow Christ, the struggle to live as God has called me, I am finding more and more how much I honestly have no idea. I don't know where to turn. I don't know how to turn to God. I don't know. It's both the easiest and hardest thing for me to admit. I've always known, even though I know I don't know. Yeah, saying it out loud makes it sound just as stupid as it actually is. I've always held to the fact I know how to look to God for strength, I don't. I know how to ask for His help, I don't. And I know how to follow His lead, I don't.
That's really hard, to realize you don't know something. How do you deal with it? How do you struggle past something you don't know how to change, how to move? I didn't know. Ha, see that? Yeah, that's the writer coming out in me. Change one word and everything changes :P
I was confronted by a friend and this inability to know even what to do was magnified so much. I already knew I didn't know how to deal with my sin. I'd tried all the things I knew I didn't know. It didn't make a difference. Then I get called out and that's when it hits me that I am so much more fallen than I ever want to let on. I'm so much more inept than I want to own up to. And I am so lost that I didn't know which way to turn.
"But God." Possibly the best words in the entire Bible. So much in those two words. Not us. In spite of us. By Him, Through Him. For Him. His power. His strength. His glory. The list goes on... The rest of Ephesians 2:4-5 paints the most powerful picture of our frailty, the most amazing depiction of our ineptness, and the most encouraging charge to stop. Stop sinning. Stop trying to do it ourselves. Stop being condemned. Stop heeding the flesh. Stop. Simply, stop.
But that's only the second part, what God impressed on me as well, not the whole. I was floundering, wondering where do I turn to change, how do I extricate myself from this situation, and how do I not fall again? A verse, God's words, were imparted to me. He told me to put aside the old man, to be renewed, and to put on Christ. As I read Ephesians, though, He gave me one verse that was special at that moment. My light in the darkness. He showed me the way to change in nine words. He made it so I now know, even though exactly how is still up in the air. He showed me hope.
Joshua
That's really hard, to realize you don't know something. How do you deal with it? How do you struggle past something you don't know how to change, how to move? I didn't know. Ha, see that? Yeah, that's the writer coming out in me. Change one word and everything changes :P
I was confronted by a friend and this inability to know even what to do was magnified so much. I already knew I didn't know how to deal with my sin. I'd tried all the things I knew I didn't know. It didn't make a difference. Then I get called out and that's when it hits me that I am so much more fallen than I ever want to let on. I'm so much more inept than I want to own up to. And I am so lost that I didn't know which way to turn.
"But God." Possibly the best words in the entire Bible. So much in those two words. Not us. In spite of us. By Him, Through Him. For Him. His power. His strength. His glory. The list goes on... The rest of Ephesians 2:4-5 paints the most powerful picture of our frailty, the most amazing depiction of our ineptness, and the most encouraging charge to stop. Stop sinning. Stop trying to do it ourselves. Stop being condemned. Stop heeding the flesh. Stop. Simply, stop.
But that's only the second part, what God impressed on me as well, not the whole. I was floundering, wondering where do I turn to change, how do I extricate myself from this situation, and how do I not fall again? A verse, God's words, were imparted to me. He told me to put aside the old man, to be renewed, and to put on Christ. As I read Ephesians, though, He gave me one verse that was special at that moment. My light in the darkness. He showed me the way to change in nine words. He made it so I now know, even though exactly how is still up in the air. He showed me hope.
"just as God in Christ also has forgivenStanding to fall, and stand again, all through Christ,youJoshua." - Ephesians 4:32b
Joshua
Friday, February 14, 2014
Valentine's Day
Well, today is a special day. Now, it is Valentine's day and there is a specific someone who has my heart today. But that isn't specifically what's special about today. Today is the first Valentine's day with that amazing girl. Something about me, firsts are very important to me. The first time you do something sets an expectation and creates a special memory.
Today is the first time in this Love story we get to share this moment, Valentine's day, and it will not be the last. And while today is the first time I spend this day with her, and today is specifically about Love, my Love for her doesn't end here or at the end of this day. In fact, every day from here is a new start to the rest of our lives and that makes them special in a way nothing else is.
So, because my Love doesn't end on this day, you have to come find me, Alainya ;] I have the clue leading to the next piece of the treasure hunt, and the phrase to get it is, "How does the search continue?"
I Love you, Alainya. Many days have passed since I first met you, and there are many days to come. Through them all, Lord willing, we will see how He's made each day a blessing and each day a first day. See you soon :]
Hopelessly in Love,
Joshua
Monday, January 27, 2014
The Choice
Torn up. Ripped to shreds. Most people know this feeling, some more often than others. The feeling that something very delicate was mishandled, or is being mishandled. If you mishandle stone, the worst that can happen is you'll drop it and it will hit the ground. Not comfortable but nothing will really change. But, if you mishandle a Chinese lantern, you run the very easy risk of ruining it completely. You could rip the delicate paper and it won't hold the hot air it needs to rise up and fill the sky with its beauty.
While I could talk about my connection the extended metaphor I just wrote, I felt something different laid on my heart; what I need to do since that's happened. I have been thinking a lot over the past month. Asking God a lot of questions. Some are sincere, deep questions that I am still looking for the answers to. For instance, "Can war be right?" Not as easily answered as it might seem. Some are painful, reoccurring questions that keep getting answered, and then constantly brought back for me to face again. Not willing to share these quite yet. This constant dialogue with God has been really amazing, He answers in a variety of ways and it helps me feel closer to Him. But since returning to college for spring semester, I seem to have lost sight of God in trying to get back into the swing of things. As a result, many other things have taken my attention and now when I'm hurt it takes longer for me to heal. Some of them are still open wounds.
Well, I'm turning back to seeking God and He revealed a passage of scripture to me to address how I'm feeling. I was hoping they were some words of comfort to mend my wounds and remove my pain, but instead He poured salt in them.
I was reeling from this and wondering what God was doing when His Spirit spoke again to me and game me this.
So, I'm sitting here, staring at the screen going, "What am I doing?" Good question to ask, what am I doing? Well, for the past week I've been filling my time with something other than God. When I was hurt I turned to myself; when I felt like I couldn't do something I pulled myself up by my bootstraps and did it; and when I felt alone I filled my mind with pointless entertainment. It's no wonder that when I got to a point when I was cut to the quick, I didn't feel the Love of Christ well up in me pour out through that hurt. I let myself come out. And I'm kinda ugly :P
Thankfully, Joshua didn't end there(again, irony). He ended the verse with-
That's how I need to respond to hurt and pain. I need to praise the Lord for what He's done and step right back out in service to Him with all my heart! I will not let the enemy prevail in my heart or let him darken my faith with his lies. I return to my God in humility, acknowledging what He's done and how I've failed. I ask for His forgiveness and mercy as well as His grace.
And now there's only one thing left. It's time to let Him spill through my cracks, my flaws, and my wounds. Time to Love with abandon, forgive without reserve, and serve Him with everything I am and have!
Choosing To Serve My Lord,
Joshua
While I could talk about my connection the extended metaphor I just wrote, I felt something different laid on my heart; what I need to do since that's happened. I have been thinking a lot over the past month. Asking God a lot of questions. Some are sincere, deep questions that I am still looking for the answers to. For instance, "Can war be right?" Not as easily answered as it might seem. Some are painful, reoccurring questions that keep getting answered, and then constantly brought back for me to face again. Not willing to share these quite yet. This constant dialogue with God has been really amazing, He answers in a variety of ways and it helps me feel closer to Him. But since returning to college for spring semester, I seem to have lost sight of God in trying to get back into the swing of things. As a result, many other things have taken my attention and now when I'm hurt it takes longer for me to heal. Some of them are still open wounds.
Well, I'm turning back to seeking God and He revealed a passage of scripture to me to address how I'm feeling. I was hoping they were some words of comfort to mend my wounds and remove my pain, but instead He poured salt in them.
"If it is disagreeable in your sight to serve the Lord, choose for yourselves today whom you will serve:" -Joshua 24:15aI first got the second half of that, and sighed as I realized God was calling me back to Him. Then I opened my Bible and ready the passage, the whole passage. It continues on. Joshua asks(hmm, irony) if they'll serve the gods of their father or of the land they're in. I felt cold as I realized God wasn't asking me to come back and follow Him but was saying, "So, I'm not good enough for you, who else are you going to pick? That idol, or maybe that idol over there." There is very little else as humbling and mortifying as feeling God ask that, I feel sorry for the Israelites.
I was reeling from this and wondering what God was doing when His Spirit spoke again to me and game me this.
“No one can serve two masters; for either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and (insert idol here)." -Matthew 6:24The actual text ends it with "...God and wealth." However, it doesn't matter what you put there, it's still true. "God and..." There is no "God and." God calls us to serve Him and Him alone. We cannot claim to serve Him and act in a way contrary to what He calls us to.
So, I'm sitting here, staring at the screen going, "What am I doing?" Good question to ask, what am I doing? Well, for the past week I've been filling my time with something other than God. When I was hurt I turned to myself; when I felt like I couldn't do something I pulled myself up by my bootstraps and did it; and when I felt alone I filled my mind with pointless entertainment. It's no wonder that when I got to a point when I was cut to the quick, I didn't feel the Love of Christ well up in me pour out through that hurt. I let myself come out. And I'm kinda ugly :P
Thankfully, Joshua didn't end there(again, irony). He ended the verse with-
"...but as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.” -Joshua 24:15cAnd that is how Joshua ends it. Then the people go on to say, "No, we will serve the Lord. How could we abandon the one who's done so much for us." That's the truth of the matter, how can I stop serving the God who's done so much for me. He's saved me from the bondage of sin, He's revealed Himself to me in how He's directed my steps until now, and He's promised to guide me and lead me for the rest of my life.
That's how I need to respond to hurt and pain. I need to praise the Lord for what He's done and step right back out in service to Him with all my heart! I will not let the enemy prevail in my heart or let him darken my faith with his lies. I return to my God in humility, acknowledging what He's done and how I've failed. I ask for His forgiveness and mercy as well as His grace.
And now there's only one thing left. It's time to let Him spill through my cracks, my flaws, and my wounds. Time to Love with abandon, forgive without reserve, and serve Him with everything I am and have!
Choosing To Serve My Lord,
Joshua
Monday, January 13, 2014
Evil: In and Among Us
Today has been normal. I did homework, I went to class, and I procrastinated, not necessarily in that order. But today something very abnormal happened, I watched a movie. Now, before you roll your eyes or wonder why watching a movie is abnormal,watching the movie wasn't abnormal, the movie itself was abnormal. I left class after watching the movie feeling a deep sense of disquiet. It was deepened by questions that were put to me after the movie and how those around me were disturbed by it. For those who are wondering, the movie is The Boy in the Striped Pajamas. I would like to say before anything else that it takes a front row seat of the evil within each one of us in a very powerful and heart-wrenching way.
My thoughts were in turmoil after watching it and for the class I wrote a journal reflecting on how the movie affected me. Here is what I wrote.
While this might have some concepts you might not have heard of, the meaning remains the same. More and more I am seeing the evil inherent to this world, but that evil doesn't come from this planet or any of the animals here; it comes from us, humanity. And while I do feel like the movie was tragic, I see a greater tragedy at work. We think of these instances of evil as the low point of civilization and believe it represents the very worst of us, but the honest truth is that any sin is evil. We have a habit, either conscious or unconscious, that we look at someone or something worse and forget how wrong we actually are. Our own failings seem to dim in comparison to this apparently monumental evil.
This may seem wrong, perhaps even trip that humanitarian chord in you that wants to say that this is such a horrible thing, and I am not saying it isn't. I am saying that, to God, focusing on one sin and letting the others slide isn't righteous. We want to combat evil but do so at the expense of following Christ's example.
Now, I'm not writing this to slam people and say no one it actually seeking God, but calling for an honest reflection of our lives, are we seeking to be more like Christ or are we trying to champion his causes? Because one will lead to the spread of His kingdom and the only focusing on the other leads to a culture where we live lives that don't reflect what we claim to believe. God doesn't need a champion, He already has one, Jesus Christ. We are called to follow Him, take up our crosses and follow Him.
Now you can become self-righteous right now, affronted at what I've just said, and that is up for you to choose. I simply hope God speaks to you through this and shows you just what He wants of you and that He calls for perfection, a standard we will all fall woefully short of. Yet, there's hope! He who is in us is greater than he who is in the world and Christ will be with us no matter what! He calls us to the impossible and provides us with the very power of the Almighty God through His Holy Spirit, that is hope. We can't stop evil, because only God can stop evil. However, we can stand with His strength, power, and grace against the darkness and through Him turn back the tides of darkness as we show Love to those around us.
I pray that God fills you with His grace, strength, and Love, allowing you to stand against the evil that is prevalent in this world. That He uses you to change the world. And that He causes His face to shine on you.
Grace and Peace,
Joshua
My thoughts were in turmoil after watching it and for the class I wrote a journal reflecting on how the movie affected me. Here is what I wrote.
I left the movie, in one word, disturbed. Not so much at what happened. We tend to think we are unique, that we are ‘special’ and we can look back on the recent past and think how awful it was and then return to normal and think how far we’ve come. Or we can think how horrible those people were and how cruel or many times we say how evil they are; then we smile and go on our way, happy we’re not like that. But sadly that couldn’t be any further from the truth. That’s what hit me; there’s nothing uniquely bad about the Nazis or World War II, similarly cruel and atrocious things have happened before and since. We simply tend to pick a paradigm of evil and say, “Well, that’s evil! Glad I’m not like that.”
I guess looking back at what I just said something painfully obvious sticks out; Darwin didn’t come up with his idea. His idea has been around since the very first instance of evil, when sin entered the world. That’s all it truly is. The work of the Nazis wasn’t a result of Darwinism, it wasn’t even the degradation of culture to a point where something like this became acceptable, and it wasn’t a result of something man came up with. The truth is that ability and even inclination to evil is present in all of us and always has been.
We like to stand on our boxes and decry someone else as evil or what they’re doing as wrong, but in truth, we’re no different. We look at Darwinism as an evil to be eradicated, a monster that sprang up and is wreaking havoc wherever it goes, but that’s our way of giving ourselves something to fight instead of addressing the cause which lies within ourselves. The key to being Christ-like doesn’t lie in the eradication of evil, but the acting and doing of good. We will never get anywhere trying to fight evil, but when we stop trying to right the world and simply do the will of our father, we will find evil being conquered and Christ shining through us.
While this might have some concepts you might not have heard of, the meaning remains the same. More and more I am seeing the evil inherent to this world, but that evil doesn't come from this planet or any of the animals here; it comes from us, humanity. And while I do feel like the movie was tragic, I see a greater tragedy at work. We think of these instances of evil as the low point of civilization and believe it represents the very worst of us, but the honest truth is that any sin is evil. We have a habit, either conscious or unconscious, that we look at someone or something worse and forget how wrong we actually are. Our own failings seem to dim in comparison to this apparently monumental evil.
This may seem wrong, perhaps even trip that humanitarian chord in you that wants to say that this is such a horrible thing, and I am not saying it isn't. I am saying that, to God, focusing on one sin and letting the others slide isn't righteous. We want to combat evil but do so at the expense of following Christ's example.
Now, I'm not writing this to slam people and say no one it actually seeking God, but calling for an honest reflection of our lives, are we seeking to be more like Christ or are we trying to champion his causes? Because one will lead to the spread of His kingdom and the only focusing on the other leads to a culture where we live lives that don't reflect what we claim to believe. God doesn't need a champion, He already has one, Jesus Christ. We are called to follow Him, take up our crosses and follow Him.
Now you can become self-righteous right now, affronted at what I've just said, and that is up for you to choose. I simply hope God speaks to you through this and shows you just what He wants of you and that He calls for perfection, a standard we will all fall woefully short of. Yet, there's hope! He who is in us is greater than he who is in the world and Christ will be with us no matter what! He calls us to the impossible and provides us with the very power of the Almighty God through His Holy Spirit, that is hope. We can't stop evil, because only God can stop evil. However, we can stand with His strength, power, and grace against the darkness and through Him turn back the tides of darkness as we show Love to those around us.
I pray that God fills you with His grace, strength, and Love, allowing you to stand against the evil that is prevalent in this world. That He uses you to change the world. And that He causes His face to shine on you.
Grace and Peace,
Joshua
Tuesday, January 7, 2014
The Time to Act
Well, this post is a little late. It was meant for the first, but that day and the ones since have been filled with a new thing called J-Term. Speaking of new things, that's kind of the whole point of this post, something new. Before the beginning of this year, I always looked at new year's resolutions as a waste of time if nothing else. I have heard, just as most others too, the half joke half truth that come new year's day, gyms are suddenly packed. New year's resolutions to get in shape, lose weight, or start running again cause a flock of new people to populate the gyms. That population would slowly die off as the month wore on, and the resolutions would fall by the wayside like so many others until next January when it'd happen again. Whether true or not, this is how I saw new year's resolutions, an excuse to try and change, but just that, try. So, I have steered clear of them my whole life, thinking if I need an excuse to try and change, the change will likely not happen. Well, I'll be the first to say I can be rather narrow minded sometimes. And, you guessed it, I have a new year's resolution. What is it? Well, I'll come to the later.
The week surrounding new year's day was one that showed me a lot of new things, not least of all was the reality of change. I have always believed in change. I think a person needs to never stop changing and growing. We are flawed, broken, and in a constant need to become more like our Lord, Jesus Christ. Taking this into consideration, I have tried to maintain a view that is open to what God is trying to show me. Well, I recently found out that one flaw with that way of thinking is that a lot is seen but little is acted upon. Ironically enough, God showed me over that week I needed to change how I approached change.
So, this is what I feel like I need to act on, and I feel the need to start that act with a resolution. It coincidentally happened on new year's day, funny that.
First, I'd like to point out how I view my resolution. It's not not the pinnacle of what I need to work on this year, it's not some great goal that when and if achieved I can relax in contentment, and it's not something that will or can be finished in the course of a year. What I've resolved is an important part of my life that needs to actively change and will need constant work throughout my life. So why a new year's resolution you might ask? Well, I feel that if I build the habit of doing something, it will become easier even if it doesn't become second nature or something I never have to worry about again. But, honestly, nothing in life is that way, not your fitness, not your desire to change, and certainly not your relationship with Christ.
And, now to what you have been waiting with baited breath this whole time to hear, my new year's resolution(okay maybe I'm being a bit optimistic and overly dramatic here :P). I have resolved to act.
Alright, maybe not as grandiose or impressive as I may have built it up to be or you might have expected, but that's it. However, there's far more to it that simply stating it can convey. This fundamentally changes how I look at life. I have always taken a more passive role in things, wanting to see fully before acting. But this resolution is my desire to break out of that and simply start doing and moving.
Honestly, this goes against how I've lived most of my life. Stepping out of my comfort zone and working, having faith God is using my actions for His glory, is hard to say the least to me. This will challenge my thinking as well as my actions almost daily, and in some way already has. This will be the theme for me this year, not my focus or my purpose, but how I will work to approach everything I do this year.
I am doing this for two reasons. One, to make myself accountable. To open myself up to the encouragements and challenges of those around me and allow you--the person reading this--to hold me to my resolution. Second, to be able to look back at the year come December and expectantly look to see how God used it and worked through me over the course of the year. I don't know what I'm going to see in December, success or failure, but no matter what, God will use me to bring Him glory through this and that alone makes it worth the struggle it will be.
How about you? What is God showing you needs to change? Something you can spend a whole year on and still not finish, but be all the better because of it? Maybe something small or something big. A thing you think you can conquer in a year or something you don't even think is possible. Don't hesitate, resolve to let God work and then move out of the way and let Him.
This verse stuck out to me as I was writing and thought it's something anyone making a resolution will need. The strength to be humble, to submit to God, and to fight the enemy. And God, my God, gives the strength we need when we ask and truly need it, when we start relying on, submitting to, and humbling ourselves before Him.
Time to take a stand, time to make a resolution, time to act!
Finding My Resolve, Er, Resolution,
Joshua
The week surrounding new year's day was one that showed me a lot of new things, not least of all was the reality of change. I have always believed in change. I think a person needs to never stop changing and growing. We are flawed, broken, and in a constant need to become more like our Lord, Jesus Christ. Taking this into consideration, I have tried to maintain a view that is open to what God is trying to show me. Well, I recently found out that one flaw with that way of thinking is that a lot is seen but little is acted upon. Ironically enough, God showed me over that week I needed to change how I approached change.
So, this is what I feel like I need to act on, and I feel the need to start that act with a resolution. It coincidentally happened on new year's day, funny that.
First, I'd like to point out how I view my resolution. It's not not the pinnacle of what I need to work on this year, it's not some great goal that when and if achieved I can relax in contentment, and it's not something that will or can be finished in the course of a year. What I've resolved is an important part of my life that needs to actively change and will need constant work throughout my life. So why a new year's resolution you might ask? Well, I feel that if I build the habit of doing something, it will become easier even if it doesn't become second nature or something I never have to worry about again. But, honestly, nothing in life is that way, not your fitness, not your desire to change, and certainly not your relationship with Christ.
And, now to what you have been waiting with baited breath this whole time to hear, my new year's resolution(okay maybe I'm being a bit optimistic and overly dramatic here :P). I have resolved to act.
Alright, maybe not as grandiose or impressive as I may have built it up to be or you might have expected, but that's it. However, there's far more to it that simply stating it can convey. This fundamentally changes how I look at life. I have always taken a more passive role in things, wanting to see fully before acting. But this resolution is my desire to break out of that and simply start doing and moving.
Honestly, this goes against how I've lived most of my life. Stepping out of my comfort zone and working, having faith God is using my actions for His glory, is hard to say the least to me. This will challenge my thinking as well as my actions almost daily, and in some way already has. This will be the theme for me this year, not my focus or my purpose, but how I will work to approach everything I do this year.
I am doing this for two reasons. One, to make myself accountable. To open myself up to the encouragements and challenges of those around me and allow you--the person reading this--to hold me to my resolution. Second, to be able to look back at the year come December and expectantly look to see how God used it and worked through me over the course of the year. I don't know what I'm going to see in December, success or failure, but no matter what, God will use me to bring Him glory through this and that alone makes it worth the struggle it will be.
How about you? What is God showing you needs to change? Something you can spend a whole year on and still not finish, but be all the better because of it? Maybe something small or something big. A thing you think you can conquer in a year or something you don't even think is possible. Don't hesitate, resolve to let God work and then move out of the way and let Him.
"6But He gives a greater grace. Therefore it says, “God is opposed to the proud, but gives grace to the humble.” 7Submit therefore to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you." ~James 4:6-7
This verse stuck out to me as I was writing and thought it's something anyone making a resolution will need. The strength to be humble, to submit to God, and to fight the enemy. And God, my God, gives the strength we need when we ask and truly need it, when we start relying on, submitting to, and humbling ourselves before Him.
Time to take a stand, time to make a resolution, time to act!
Finding My Resolve, Er, Resolution,
Joshua
Saturday, December 28, 2013
True Love Drives Out Fear
Hmm, well, I have seen my fair share of ups and downs recently. Break has been nothing I expected; there has been so much more joy and so much more hurt than I ever expected. In some ways I wanted this to be a place where I am who I am; no pretenses that I hid behind, just the honest truth. Guess this'll be the litmus test.
I know many people who say they walk in the light; they are friends, acquaintances, family, and strangers. They follow the path God's set before them for their lives as best they can. I've always counted myself among them. I have this uncanny knack for seeing God everywhere. I see Him in the little day-to-day aspects of life and in the life changing moments of the past few years. I've done my best, or that's what I've always said. My motto is, "Give everything your best, and, pass or fail, you will stand on the other side with the confidence you did all you could." That's been my take on school and life in general. Work as hard as you can and in the end whether or not you succeeded isn't as important as whether or not you gave your all. I came face-to-face with my own way of thinking last night and it still sends a tingle of fear down my spine as I think about it.
Yesterday was pretty normal. Work on my book, read, and clean around the house, nothing unusual for a normal break day. I spent the evening with the same person I've been hanging out with for most of break and we watched a movie and ate dinner, nothing unusual for a normal break day. Yet, as soon as I arrived at her house I felt something was off. Then, driving home we stumbled into a conversation that ended poorly. We weren't mad, nothing was "wrong", but I could finally put my finger on what was happening. I was being blocked out. I felt alone. Later that evening, she said something that widened that gap considerably and I was left alone.
I was sitting on the couch when it happened. I was pondering how hard Loving someone is, how difficult being selfless can be when the same isn't being reciprocated to you, when the feeling started. I had an internal feel similar I can only compare to the view you see in a movie when the main character is looking down a tunnel that starts to stretch until it's impossibly long. I felt like I was being left behind as something was stretching far away form me. I wasn't being left behind, I wasn't being abandoned, but I was being left alone. I was perplexed for a moment, something didn't feel right. I asked God what was happening and I got no answer. Well, not one I understood at the time.
That's when the attack came. Fear slammed into my stomach. Doubt, frustration, even hatred harassed me and played with my thoughts as my own mistakes, failings, and unworthiness were marched past my eyes. I cried out in desperation to God and saw Him at the end of the that stretched out tunnel. He was still with me, but for some reason I couldn't feel Him. I wrapped my arms around myself as I sat on the couch, any warmth in me sucked out. I sat there struggling for some time, trying desperately to fight the darkness around me with what weapons I had at my disposal, my will. It wasn't long before it was all but overrun, only a small vestige remained, clinging to my lifeline, Jesus Christ.
I restlessly prepared for bed, going about my normal routine in a very abnormal way, oppressed everywhere I turned. I finally collapsed on my bed, crying out to God. Asking for help and his strength to fight the almost palpable darkness around me. No reply came and as I knelt next to me bed, lying my face on my clenched hands. With watery eyes, I could only stare at the afghan my aunt had knitted for me which covered my bed and look the darkness in the face. I don't remember how long I prayed, but eventually I picked myself up and slid under the covers.
The cold returned and I lay there beset by fears. Self doubt and self ridicule had filled the part of me where hope usually stayed, and, as I lay there, I struggled to regain hope. A though crossed my mind, something along the lines of, "If I am being oppressed, perhaps it's because I'm threatening Satan in some way." This thought was ruthlessly thrown aside by self doubt and self ridicule and trampled into the dust, any hope it could have brought crushed along with it. This happened time and time again. Finally, I curled up in a ball and offered one last, desperate plea for God's help and closed my eyes.
Today has been hard. When I awoke, I could feel God was there again, but the memories of the night before felt seared in my memory. I could still feel the utter loneliness if I thought about it, shivers accompanied the thought every time I brought it to memory. I went about my morning and tried not to think, losing myself in a book. Looking back, I can still the enemy playing his more subtle tricks. An important text I had sent apparently was canceled and never made it to the recipient, I conveniently found something to distract myself that I "needed" to do whenever I started remembering the previous night, and I started bottling up the feelings that had arisen as I've done many times before. Little things that could be overlooked or possibly brushed aside, but I see them very differently and their affect on me almost made me forget the whole thing.
Now, finally to why I'm writing this. This whole sequence in review is where I can finally see what I wasn't able to see last night. God was speaking to me, it just happened to be through means I couldn't understand at the time.
I was asking God about Love before it all happened last night, I was questioning the calling He's given me and if He'd give me the strength to endure. I asked Him if I could Love, sacrifice, and put another before myself if they didn't sacrifice for me or put me before themselves. That's when He pulled back. That's when the attack came.
As I started processing what happened and asked God what He is trying to show me, I came face-to-face with my savior, Jesus Christ. I saw Calvary. I saw Him, alone, bearing the weight of sin. His sacrificial Love poured out on me as He hung there alone. Then, as the ultimate stroke, the Father even turned away, leaving Him utterly alone. He knew. He knew before going to Calvary what it would entail. He knew what Loving others selflessly would entail, His own hurt, humiliation, and rejection. And here I am, feeling a little emotionally separated from the person I profess to Love and I wonder how I'll ever manage? Not the slap in the face I wanted, but the slap in the face I needed.
God went further, He wasn't done there. He showed how I had been drawing away somewhat emotionally in the past week and the fact He had not stopped caring for me one iota. I pointed out the fact He had let me be assailed by the enemy and he nodded. I wasn't quite sure what He meant by that. I pondered it for some time before I realized what it was for. He had shown me the merest taste of what it would be like if He ever did distance Himself from me or leave me. The realization made me shiver and still does.
I'm sure I still haven't understood everything God was and is trying to show me. I wasn't planning on this post when I sat down, it kinda wrote itself and I watched as God showed me thing after thing as He wrote through my fingers. All I can say at the end is I am humbled. My own ideology that I simply have to do my best was throw at me in no uncertain terms and exposed as the crutch I've been leaning one for years. God also showed me how utterly ineffective it was and proved I can't do anything on my strength alone; so, why have I set it as my standard for so long? But, this also leaves me challenged. God pointed out His called to Love and what it means, entails, and will require. It's nothing short of impossible...for me that is. Jesus Christ set the standard and I am called to follow Him in everything I do and everything I am.
As I look back on my words they are heavy. The weight they carry makes me swallow at the enormity of what I am called to do. But I am not alone; I am never alone. Even when I felt alone, I knew God was with me; He was letting me face the darkness in my own heart I didn't want to see, the log in my own eye as it were. I guess in closing I am encouraged by His promise to never leave me and that He's always guiding me. Guess it's time to find a new motto :P
Standing in His Light Amid the Darkness,
Joshua
I know many people who say they walk in the light; they are friends, acquaintances, family, and strangers. They follow the path God's set before them for their lives as best they can. I've always counted myself among them. I have this uncanny knack for seeing God everywhere. I see Him in the little day-to-day aspects of life and in the life changing moments of the past few years. I've done my best, or that's what I've always said. My motto is, "Give everything your best, and, pass or fail, you will stand on the other side with the confidence you did all you could." That's been my take on school and life in general. Work as hard as you can and in the end whether or not you succeeded isn't as important as whether or not you gave your all. I came face-to-face with my own way of thinking last night and it still sends a tingle of fear down my spine as I think about it.
Yesterday was pretty normal. Work on my book, read, and clean around the house, nothing unusual for a normal break day. I spent the evening with the same person I've been hanging out with for most of break and we watched a movie and ate dinner, nothing unusual for a normal break day. Yet, as soon as I arrived at her house I felt something was off. Then, driving home we stumbled into a conversation that ended poorly. We weren't mad, nothing was "wrong", but I could finally put my finger on what was happening. I was being blocked out. I felt alone. Later that evening, she said something that widened that gap considerably and I was left alone.
I was sitting on the couch when it happened. I was pondering how hard Loving someone is, how difficult being selfless can be when the same isn't being reciprocated to you, when the feeling started. I had an internal feel similar I can only compare to the view you see in a movie when the main character is looking down a tunnel that starts to stretch until it's impossibly long. I felt like I was being left behind as something was stretching far away form me. I wasn't being left behind, I wasn't being abandoned, but I was being left alone. I was perplexed for a moment, something didn't feel right. I asked God what was happening and I got no answer. Well, not one I understood at the time.
That's when the attack came. Fear slammed into my stomach. Doubt, frustration, even hatred harassed me and played with my thoughts as my own mistakes, failings, and unworthiness were marched past my eyes. I cried out in desperation to God and saw Him at the end of the that stretched out tunnel. He was still with me, but for some reason I couldn't feel Him. I wrapped my arms around myself as I sat on the couch, any warmth in me sucked out. I sat there struggling for some time, trying desperately to fight the darkness around me with what weapons I had at my disposal, my will. It wasn't long before it was all but overrun, only a small vestige remained, clinging to my lifeline, Jesus Christ.
I restlessly prepared for bed, going about my normal routine in a very abnormal way, oppressed everywhere I turned. I finally collapsed on my bed, crying out to God. Asking for help and his strength to fight the almost palpable darkness around me. No reply came and as I knelt next to me bed, lying my face on my clenched hands. With watery eyes, I could only stare at the afghan my aunt had knitted for me which covered my bed and look the darkness in the face. I don't remember how long I prayed, but eventually I picked myself up and slid under the covers.
The cold returned and I lay there beset by fears. Self doubt and self ridicule had filled the part of me where hope usually stayed, and, as I lay there, I struggled to regain hope. A though crossed my mind, something along the lines of, "If I am being oppressed, perhaps it's because I'm threatening Satan in some way." This thought was ruthlessly thrown aside by self doubt and self ridicule and trampled into the dust, any hope it could have brought crushed along with it. This happened time and time again. Finally, I curled up in a ball and offered one last, desperate plea for God's help and closed my eyes.
Today has been hard. When I awoke, I could feel God was there again, but the memories of the night before felt seared in my memory. I could still feel the utter loneliness if I thought about it, shivers accompanied the thought every time I brought it to memory. I went about my morning and tried not to think, losing myself in a book. Looking back, I can still the enemy playing his more subtle tricks. An important text I had sent apparently was canceled and never made it to the recipient, I conveniently found something to distract myself that I "needed" to do whenever I started remembering the previous night, and I started bottling up the feelings that had arisen as I've done many times before. Little things that could be overlooked or possibly brushed aside, but I see them very differently and their affect on me almost made me forget the whole thing.
Now, finally to why I'm writing this. This whole sequence in review is where I can finally see what I wasn't able to see last night. God was speaking to me, it just happened to be through means I couldn't understand at the time.
I was asking God about Love before it all happened last night, I was questioning the calling He's given me and if He'd give me the strength to endure. I asked Him if I could Love, sacrifice, and put another before myself if they didn't sacrifice for me or put me before themselves. That's when He pulled back. That's when the attack came.
As I started processing what happened and asked God what He is trying to show me, I came face-to-face with my savior, Jesus Christ. I saw Calvary. I saw Him, alone, bearing the weight of sin. His sacrificial Love poured out on me as He hung there alone. Then, as the ultimate stroke, the Father even turned away, leaving Him utterly alone. He knew. He knew before going to Calvary what it would entail. He knew what Loving others selflessly would entail, His own hurt, humiliation, and rejection. And here I am, feeling a little emotionally separated from the person I profess to Love and I wonder how I'll ever manage? Not the slap in the face I wanted, but the slap in the face I needed.
God went further, He wasn't done there. He showed how I had been drawing away somewhat emotionally in the past week and the fact He had not stopped caring for me one iota. I pointed out the fact He had let me be assailed by the enemy and he nodded. I wasn't quite sure what He meant by that. I pondered it for some time before I realized what it was for. He had shown me the merest taste of what it would be like if He ever did distance Himself from me or leave me. The realization made me shiver and still does.
I'm sure I still haven't understood everything God was and is trying to show me. I wasn't planning on this post when I sat down, it kinda wrote itself and I watched as God showed me thing after thing as He wrote through my fingers. All I can say at the end is I am humbled. My own ideology that I simply have to do my best was throw at me in no uncertain terms and exposed as the crutch I've been leaning one for years. God also showed me how utterly ineffective it was and proved I can't do anything on my strength alone; so, why have I set it as my standard for so long? But, this also leaves me challenged. God pointed out His called to Love and what it means, entails, and will require. It's nothing short of impossible...for me that is. Jesus Christ set the standard and I am called to follow Him in everything I do and everything I am.
As I look back on my words they are heavy. The weight they carry makes me swallow at the enormity of what I am called to do. But I am not alone; I am never alone. Even when I felt alone, I knew God was with me; He was letting me face the darkness in my own heart I didn't want to see, the log in my own eye as it were. I guess in closing I am encouraged by His promise to never leave me and that He's always guiding me. Guess it's time to find a new motto :P
Standing in His Light Amid the Darkness,
Joshua
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