Valentine's Day

Well, today is a special day.  Now, it is Valentine's day and there is a specific someone who has my heart today.  But that isn't specifically what's special about today.  Today is the first Valentine's day with that amazing girl.  Something about me, firsts are very important to me.  The first time you do something sets an expectation and creates a special memory.

Today is the first time in this Love story we get to share this moment, Valentine's day, and it will not be the last.  And while today is the first time I spend this day with her, and today is specifically about Love, my Love for her doesn't end here or at the end of this day.  In fact, every day from here is a new start to the rest of our lives and that makes them special in a way nothing else is.

So, because my Love doesn't end on this day, you have to come find me, Alainya ;]  I have the clue leading to the next piece of the treasure hunt, and the phrase to get it is, "How does the search continue?"

I Love you, Alainya.  Many days have passed since I first met you, and there are many days to come.  Through them all, Lord willing, we will see how He's made each day a blessing and each day a first day.  See you soon :]

Hopelessly in Love,

Joshua

The Choice

Torn up.  Ripped to shreds.  Most people know this feeling, some more often than others.  The feeling that something very delicate was mishandled, or is being mishandled.  If you mishandle stone, the worst that can happen is you'll drop it and it will hit the ground.  Not comfortable but nothing will really change.  But, if you mishandle a Chinese lantern, you run the very easy risk of ruining it completely.  You could rip the delicate paper and it won't hold the hot air it needs to rise up and fill the sky with its beauty.

While I could talk about my connection the extended metaphor I just wrote, I felt something different laid on my heart; what I need to do since that's happened.  I have been thinking a lot over the past month.  Asking God a lot of questions.  Some are sincere, deep questions that I am still looking for the answers to.  For instance, "Can war be right?"  Not as easily answered as it might seem.  Some are painful, reoccurring questions that keep getting answered, and then constantly brought back for me to face again.  Not willing to share these quite yet.  This constant dialogue with God has been really amazing, He answers in a variety of ways and it helps me feel closer to Him.  But since returning to college for spring semester, I seem to have lost sight of God in trying to get back into the swing of things.  As a result, many other things have taken my attention and now when I'm hurt it takes longer for me to heal.  Some of them are still open wounds.

Well, I'm turning back to seeking God and He revealed a passage of scripture to me to address how I'm feeling.  I was hoping they were some words of comfort to mend my wounds and remove my pain, but instead He poured salt in them.

"If it is disagreeable in your sight to serve the Lord, choose for yourselves today whom you will serve:"  -Joshua 24:15a

I first got the second half of that, and sighed as I realized God was calling me back to Him.  Then I opened my Bible and ready the passage, the whole passage.  It continues on.  Joshua asks(hmm, irony) if they'll serve the gods of their father or of the land they're in.  I felt cold as I realized God wasn't asking me to come back and follow Him but was saying, "So, I'm not good enough for you, who else are you going to pick?  That idol, or maybe that idol over there."  There is very little else as humbling and mortifying as feeling God ask that, I feel sorry for the Israelites.

I was reeling from this and wondering what God was doing when His Spirit spoke again to me and game me this.

“No one can serve two masters; for either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and (insert idol here)."  -Matthew 6:24

 The actual text ends it with "...God and wealth."  However, it doesn't matter what you put there, it's still true.  "God and..."  There is no "God and."  God calls us to serve Him and Him alone.  We cannot claim to serve Him and act in a way contrary to what He calls us to.

So, I'm sitting here, staring at the screen going, "What am I doing?"  Good question to ask, what am I doing?  Well, for the past week I've been filling my time with something other than God.  When I was hurt I turned to myself; when I felt like I couldn't do something I pulled myself up by my bootstraps and did it; and when I felt alone I filled my mind with pointless entertainment.  It's no wonder that when I got to a point when I was cut to the quick, I didn't feel the Love of Christ well up in me pour out through that hurt.  I let myself come out.  And I'm kinda ugly :P

Thankfully, Joshua didn't end there(again, irony).  He ended the verse with-

"...but as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.”  -Joshua 24:15c

And that is how Joshua ends it.  Then the people go on to say, "No, we will serve the Lord.  How could we abandon the one who's done so much for us."  That's the truth of the matter, how can I stop serving the God who's done so much for me.  He's saved me from the bondage of sin, He's revealed Himself to me in how He's directed my steps until now, and He's promised to guide me and lead me for the rest of my life.

That's how I need to respond to hurt and pain.  I need to praise the Lord for what He's done and step right back out in service to Him with all my heart!  I will not let the enemy prevail in my heart or let him darken my faith with his lies.  I return to my God in humility, acknowledging what He's done and how I've failed.  I ask for His forgiveness and mercy as well as His grace.

And now there's only one thing left.  It's time to let Him spill through my cracks, my flaws, and my wounds.  Time to Love with abandon, forgive without reserve, and serve Him with everything I am and have!


Choosing To Serve My Lord,
Joshua

Evil: In and Among Us

Today has been normal.  I did homework, I went to class, and I procrastinated, not necessarily in that order.  But today something very abnormal happened, I watched a movie.  Now, before you roll your eyes or wonder why watching a movie is abnormal,watching the movie wasn't abnormal, the movie itself was abnormal.  I left class after watching the movie feeling a deep sense of disquiet.  It was deepened by questions that were put to me after the movie and how those around me were disturbed by it.  For those who are wondering, the movie is The Boy in the Striped Pajamas.  I would like to say before anything else that it takes a front row seat of the evil within each one of us in a very powerful and heart-wrenching way.

My thoughts were in turmoil after watching it and for the class I wrote a journal reflecting on how the movie affected me.  Here is what I wrote.

I left the movie, in one word, disturbed.  Not so much at what happened.  We tend to think we are unique, that we are ‘special’ and we can look back on the recent past and think how awful it was and then return to normal and think how far we’ve come.  Or we can think how horrible those people were and how cruel or many times we say how evil they are; then we smile and go on our way, happy we’re not like that.  But sadly that couldn’t be any further from the truth.  That’s what hit me; there’s nothing uniquely bad about the Nazis or World War II, similarly cruel and atrocious things have happened before and since.  We simply tend to pick a paradigm of evil and say, “Well, that’s evil!  Glad I’m not like that.”
I guess looking back at what I just said something painfully obvious sticks out; Darwin didn’t come up with his idea.  His idea has been around since the very first instance of evil, when sin entered the world.  That’s all it truly is.  The work of the Nazis wasn’t a result of Darwinism, it wasn’t even the degradation of culture to a point where something like this became acceptable, and it wasn’t a result of something man came up with.  The truth is that ability and even inclination to evil is present in all of us and always has been.
We like to stand on our boxes and decry someone else as evil or what they’re doing as wrong, but in truth, we’re no different.  We look at Darwinism as an evil to be eradicated, a monster that sprang up and is wreaking havoc wherever it goes, but that’s our way of giving ourselves something to fight instead of addressing the cause which lies within ourselves.  The key to being Christ-like doesn’t lie in the eradication of evil, but the acting and doing of good.  We will never get anywhere trying to fight evil, but when we stop trying to right the world and simply do the will of our father, we will find evil being conquered and Christ shining through us.

While this might have some concepts you might not have heard of, the meaning remains the same.  More and more I am seeing the evil inherent to this world, but that evil doesn't come from this planet or any of the animals here; it comes from us, humanity.  And while I do feel like the movie was tragic, I see a greater tragedy at work.  We think of these instances of evil as the low point of civilization and believe it represents the very worst of us, but the honest truth is that any sin is evil.  We have a habit, either conscious or unconscious, that we look at someone or something worse and forget how wrong we actually are.  Our own failings seem to dim in comparison to this apparently monumental evil.

This may seem wrong, perhaps even trip that humanitarian chord in you that wants to say that this is such a horrible thing, and I am not saying it isn't.  I am saying that, to God, focusing on one sin and letting the others slide isn't righteous.  We want to combat evil but do so at the expense of following Christ's example.

Now, I'm not writing this to slam people and say no one it actually seeking God, but calling for an honest reflection of our lives, are we seeking to be more like Christ or are we trying to champion his causes?  Because one will lead to the spread of His kingdom and the only focusing on the other leads to a culture where we live lives that don't reflect what we claim to believe.  God doesn't need a champion, He already has one, Jesus Christ.  We are called to follow Him, take up our crosses and follow Him.

Now you can become self-righteous right now, affronted at what I've just said, and that is up for you to choose.  I simply hope God speaks to you through this and shows you just what He wants of you and that He calls for perfection, a standard we will all fall woefully short of.  Yet, there's hope!  He who is in us is greater than he who is in the world and Christ will be with us no matter what!  He calls us to the impossible and provides us with the very power of the Almighty God through His Holy Spirit, that is hope.  We can't stop evil, because only God can stop evil.  However, we can stand with His strength, power, and grace against the darkness and through Him turn back the tides of darkness as we show Love to those around us.

I pray that God fills you with His grace, strength, and Love, allowing you to stand against the evil that is prevalent in this world.  That He uses you to change the world.  And that He causes His face to shine on you.


Grace and Peace,
Joshua

The Time to Act

Well, this post is a little late.  It was meant for the first, but that day and the ones since have been filled with a new thing called J-Term.  Speaking of new things, that's kind of the whole point of this post, something new.  Before the beginning of this year, I always looked at new year's resolutions as a waste of time if nothing else.  I have heard, just as most others too, the half joke half truth that come new year's day, gyms are suddenly packed.  New year's resolutions to get in shape, lose weight, or start running again cause a flock of new people to populate the gyms.  That population would slowly die off as the month wore on, and the resolutions would fall by the wayside like so many others until next January when it'd happen again.  Whether true or not, this is how I saw new year's resolutions, an excuse to try and change, but just that, try.  So, I have steered clear of them my whole life, thinking if I need an excuse to try and change, the change will likely not happen.  Well, I'll be the first to say I can be rather narrow minded sometimes.  And, you guessed it, I have a new year's resolution.  What is it?  Well, I'll come to the later.

The week surrounding new year's day was one that showed me a lot of new things, not least of all was the reality of change.  I have always believed in change.  I think a person needs to never stop changing and growing.  We are flawed, broken, and in a constant need to become more like our Lord, Jesus Christ.  Taking this into consideration, I have tried to maintain a view that is open to what God is trying to show me.  Well, I recently found out that one flaw with that way of thinking is that a lot is seen but little is acted upon.  Ironically enough, God showed me over that week I needed to change how I approached change.

So, this is what I feel like I need to act on, and I feel the need to start that act with a resolution.  It coincidentally happened on new year's day, funny that.

First, I'd like to point out how I view my resolution.  It's not not the pinnacle of what I need to work on this year, it's not some great goal that when and if achieved I can relax in contentment, and it's not something that will or can be finished in the course of a year.  What I've resolved is an important part of my life that needs to actively change and will need constant work throughout my life.  So why a new year's resolution you might ask?  Well, I feel that if I build the habit of doing something, it will become easier even if it doesn't become second nature or something I never have to worry about again.  But, honestly, nothing in life is that way, not your fitness, not your desire to change, and certainly not your relationship with Christ.

And, now to what you have been waiting with baited breath this whole time to hear, my new year's resolution(okay maybe I'm being a bit optimistic and overly dramatic here :P).  I have resolved to act.

Alright, maybe not as grandiose or impressive as I may have built it up to be or you might have expected, but that's it.  However, there's far more to it that simply stating it can convey.  This fundamentally changes how I look at life.  I have always taken a more passive role in things, wanting to see fully before acting.  But this resolution is my desire to break out of that and simply start doing and moving.

Honestly, this goes against how I've lived most of my life.  Stepping out of my comfort zone and working, having faith God is using my actions for His glory, is hard to say the least to me.  This will challenge my thinking as well as my actions almost daily, and in some way already has.  This will be the theme for me this year, not my focus or my purpose, but how I will work to approach everything I do this year.

I am doing this for two reasons.  One, to make myself accountable.  To open myself up to the encouragements and challenges of those around me and allow you--the person reading this--to hold me to my resolution.  Second, to be able to look back at the year come December and expectantly look to see how God used it and worked through me over the course of the year.  I don't know what I'm going to see in December, success or failure, but no matter what, God will use me to bring Him glory through this and that alone makes it worth the struggle it will be.

How about you?  What is God showing you needs to change?  Something you can spend a whole year on and still not finish, but be all the better because of it?  Maybe something small or something big.  A thing you think you can conquer in a year or something you don't even think is possible.  Don't hesitate, resolve to let God work and then move out of the way and let Him.

"6But He gives a greater grace. Therefore it says, “God is opposed to the proud, but gives grace to the humble.” 7Submit therefore to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you." ~James 4:6-7

 This verse stuck out to me as I was writing and thought it's something anyone making a resolution will need.  The strength to be humble, to submit to God, and to fight the enemy.  And God, my God, gives the strength we need when we ask and truly need it, when we start relying on, submitting to, and humbling ourselves before Him.


Time to take a stand, time to make a resolution, time to act!


Finding My Resolve, Er, Resolution,
Joshua

True Love Drives Out Fear

Hmm, well, I have seen my fair share of ups and downs recently.  Break has been nothing I expected; there has been so much more joy and so much more hurt than I ever expected.  In some ways I wanted this to be a place where I am who I am; no pretenses that I hid behind, just the honest truth.  Guess this'll be the litmus test.

I know many people who say they walk in the light; they are friends, acquaintances, family, and strangers.  They follow the path God's set before them for their lives as best they can.  I've always counted myself among them.  I have this uncanny knack for seeing God everywhere.  I see Him in the little day-to-day aspects of life and in the life changing moments of the past few years.  I've done my best, or that's what I've always said.  My motto is, "Give everything your best, and, pass or fail, you will stand on the other side with the confidence you did all you could."  That's been my take on school and life in general.  Work as hard as you can and in the end whether or not you succeeded isn't as important as whether or not you gave your all.  I came face-to-face with my own way of thinking last night and it still sends a tingle of fear down my spine as I think about it.

Yesterday was pretty normal.  Work on my book, read, and clean around the house, nothing unusual for a normal break day.  I spent the evening with the same person I've been hanging out with for most of break and we watched a movie and ate dinner, nothing unusual for a normal break day.  Yet, as soon as I arrived at her house I felt something was off.  Then, driving home we stumbled into a conversation that ended poorly.  We weren't mad, nothing was "wrong", but I could finally put my finger on what was happening.  I was being blocked out.  I felt alone.  Later that evening, she said something that widened that gap considerably and I was left alone.

I was sitting on the couch when it happened.  I was pondering how hard Loving someone is, how difficult being selfless can be when the same isn't being reciprocated to you, when the feeling started.  I had an internal feel similar I can only compare to the view you see in a movie when the main character is looking down a tunnel that starts to stretch until it's impossibly long.  I felt like I was being left behind as something was stretching far away form me.  I wasn't being left behind, I wasn't being abandoned, but I was being left alone.  I was perplexed for a moment, something didn't feel right.  I asked God what was happening and I got no answer.  Well, not one I understood at the time.

That's when the attack came.  Fear slammed into my stomach.  Doubt, frustration, even hatred harassed me and played with my thoughts as my own mistakes, failings, and unworthiness were marched past my eyes.  I cried out in desperation to God and saw Him at the end of the that stretched out tunnel.  He was still with me, but for some reason I couldn't feel Him.  I wrapped my arms around myself as I sat on the couch, any warmth in me sucked out.  I sat there struggling for some time, trying desperately to fight the darkness around me with what weapons I had at my disposal, my will.  It wasn't long before it was all but overrun, only a small vestige remained, clinging to my lifeline, Jesus Christ.

I restlessly prepared for bed, going about my normal routine in a very abnormal way, oppressed everywhere I turned.  I finally collapsed on my bed, crying out to God.  Asking for help and his strength to fight the almost palpable darkness around me.  No reply came and as I knelt next to me bed, lying my face on my clenched hands.  With watery eyes, I could only stare at the afghan my aunt had knitted for me which covered my bed and look the darkness in the face.  I don't remember how long I prayed, but eventually I picked myself up and slid under the covers.

The cold returned and I lay there beset by fears.  Self doubt and self ridicule had filled the part of me where hope usually stayed, and, as I lay there, I struggled to regain hope.  A though crossed my mind, something along the lines of, "If I am being oppressed, perhaps it's because I'm threatening Satan in some way."  This thought was ruthlessly thrown aside by self doubt and self ridicule and trampled into the dust, any hope it could have brought crushed along with it.  This happened time and time again.  Finally, I curled up in a ball and offered one last, desperate plea for God's help and closed my eyes.

Today has been hard.  When I awoke, I could feel God was there again, but the memories of the night before felt seared in my memory.  I could still feel the utter loneliness if I thought about it, shivers accompanied the thought every time I brought it to memory.  I went about my morning and tried not to think, losing myself in a book.  Looking back, I can still the enemy playing his more subtle tricks.  An important text I had sent apparently was canceled and never made it to the recipient, I conveniently found something to distract myself that I "needed" to do whenever I started remembering the previous night, and I started bottling up the feelings that had arisen as I've done many times before.  Little things that could be overlooked or possibly brushed aside, but I see them very differently and their affect on me almost made me forget the whole thing.

Now, finally to why I'm writing this.  This whole sequence in review is where I can finally see what I wasn't able to see last night.  God was speaking to me, it just happened to be through means I couldn't understand at the time.

I was asking God about Love before it all happened last night, I was questioning the calling He's given me and if He'd give me the strength to endure.  I asked Him if I could Love, sacrifice, and put another before myself if they didn't sacrifice for me or put me before themselves.  That's when He pulled back.  That's when the attack came.

As I started processing what happened and asked God what He is trying to show me, I came face-to-face with my savior, Jesus Christ.  I saw Calvary.  I saw Him, alone, bearing the weight of sin.  His sacrificial Love poured out on me as He hung there alone.  Then, as the ultimate stroke, the Father even turned away, leaving Him utterly alone.  He knew.  He knew before going to Calvary what it would entail.  He knew what Loving others selflessly would entail, His own hurt, humiliation, and rejection.  And here I am, feeling a little emotionally separated from the person I profess to Love and I wonder how I'll ever manage?  Not the slap in the face I wanted, but the slap in the face I needed.

God went further, He wasn't done there.  He showed how I had been drawing away somewhat emotionally in the past week and the fact He had not stopped caring for me one iota.  I pointed out the fact He had let me be assailed by the enemy and he nodded.  I wasn't quite sure what He meant by that.  I pondered it for some time before I realized what it was for.  He had shown me the merest taste of what it would be like if He ever did distance Himself from me or leave me.  The realization made me shiver and still does.

I'm sure I still haven't understood everything God was and is trying to show me.  I wasn't planning on this post when I sat down, it kinda wrote itself and I watched as God showed me thing after thing as He wrote through my fingers.  All I can say at the end is I am humbled.  My own ideology that I simply have to do my best was throw at me in no uncertain terms and exposed as the crutch I've been leaning one for years.  God also showed me how utterly ineffective it was and proved I can't do anything on my strength alone; so, why have I set it as my standard for so long?  But, this also leaves me challenged.  God pointed out His called to Love and what it means, entails, and will require.  It's nothing short of impossible...for me that is.  Jesus Christ set the standard and I am called to follow Him in everything I do and everything I am.

As I look back on my words they are heavy.  The weight they carry makes me swallow at the enormity of what I am called to do.  But I am not alone; I am never alone.  Even when I felt alone, I knew God was with me; He was letting me face the darkness in my own heart I didn't want to see, the log in my own eye as it were.  I guess in closing I am encouraged by His promise to never leave me and that He's always guiding me.  Guess it's time to find a new motto :P


Standing in His Light Amid the Darkness,
Joshua

Simply Being You

I'm still floored.

I was approached the other day by someone who told me that I had made a difference.  I had blessed someone I didn't even know with actions I hadn't thought mattered.  I had made a difference in the midst of others who didn't seem to care.  Some of them just stand and stare at me, thinking I'm a fool or crazy.  I am both, but that doesn't change the fact that how I act is part of who I am.  This simple truth, that what I do is part of more than just me.  It affects more than just who we are; it connects those around us with us, community.

All that to say I was floored.  When I was told I was looked up to and not ignored.  I never thought my actions could inspire or that people cared.  I was just being me.  I guess it's so funny to see yourself in the mirror that someone holds up when they show what you've done.  The lives you've touched, perhaps hearts you've won.  But it all fades away, becomes nothing, without the Son.

All that to say I am not all that.   My God's the one so great; He's taken a sinner like me and is making him a saint.  He's the one shining through when people see me worship.  I am not full of praise for his grace on my own, and without Him I am just a man in search of meaning.  He gives me purpose and from that I praise; I praise His name, I laud His fame, and to me it's all the same.  This purpose, this praise, they're both a reactor to the factor of what He's done in me.  It's Him, not me, you see.

All that to say I am not going to change.  That's not to say I'm perfect.  I'm still flawed, still fall and stumble as I try to follow my Lord.  But I can't do it on my own; it's only Christ in me and this I know.  God took a sinner and changed his heart.  That's just it; not of works that I have done but the sacrifice of God's Holy Son.  So, like I said, I am not going to change, but God has changed me, is changing me, and will change me through the power of His Spirit.  And the moment comes when just being you is letting God work through you.

That's what I see when people laud me.  I see God working so powerfully in my life that it's changed, and it'll never be the same.  From darkness to light, out of sin's eternal night, freed from death's blight; I am saved.  Saved from myself, saved from sinning, and saved from never being able to change.  Now He's done it and it's He who's begun it and He who shines through this broken man.


Well, sorry if that post is a bit weird or you couldn't follow it, I was trying my hand at spoken word.  Ironically not spoken, but decided to put it down here anyway since it's been on my mind recently.


Letting God Shine Through,
Joshua

My Present Presents and Future Futures

It's been a while.  I haven't posted in quite some time and I feel like I need to.  But I don't even know what to talk about.  I have experienced so many thing in the past month that I'm not even sure where to start.  Starting somewhere is better than not starting at all I guess, so here goes.

I have been blessed.  Plain and simple, I have been blessed.  The numerous ways God's shown His blessings to me this past month leave me speechless in wonder at how good my God is.  The first is from a dear friend of mine.  She and I are a lot alike.  We like the same things, think similarly about things, and it's hard for either of us to see just how much we help others.  Ever since this summer I have been feeling spiritually empty.  I know what happened, but that doesn't make it any easier or change how I felt.  For some reason it stuck with me after camp and I couldn't shake this feeling of running on spiritual empty and never feeling really close to God or like I am able to do anything worthwhile.  It's a pretty horrible feeling to be honest.  During times where I sought God with everything I had, I would feel close to Him for a moment, but then I go back to this empty feeling.  My friend told me in the past few weeks to take things one day at a time and to ask for the strength to make it through that moment because God doesn't just give us the strength for the next year, month, or even week.  She meant it for a different purpose, but as I started living it out and looking to God for this moment and relying on Him for the strength to merely get through this moment, something happened.  I just realized I am no longer feeling spiritually empty.  God has been filling me more and more every day.  Not enough for the rest of the week, sometimes not enough for the rest of the day, but He is supplying enough for this moment and then He does supply enough for the next.  She was God's way of filling me again with reliance on Him in a moment-by-moment basis, but, more than that, I am now more focused on God as the provider of all my needs and it's helped immensely with stress and peace.

Wow, and that's just one thing in the past month.  Next thing that springs to my mind is providing.  Recently I've been thinking about graduating, a family, and the life God has planned for me.  First off, I am getting a bachelors in Creative Writing.  I plan on being an author, but looking at it from an honest point of view it usually isn't a high paying job, might not even pan out, and has a lot of competition.  This isn't exactly a great confidence boost and when thinking about providing for a family I find myself wonder how well I'll be able to do that.  But more and more recently, I am coming to peace with something, God has it and will provide even when I can't.  Now, to better understand this, I want to go back a bit and explain some of how I got here.

My story of how I got to college is far from ordinary and miraculous to say the least.  I was home schooled and even during my senior year I didn't know where I was going to go for college.  I didn't have any prospects or even an idea of what I wanted for my major.  That summer rolled by and I get to Labor Day weekend.  My family decided to go camping and during the trip I was forced to make a decision about what I was going to do with my life.  At that point I was considering joining the navy as a nuclear engineer, all I would have had to do was go take the ASVAB as a formality and I would have been able to join the navy nuclear division.  But that same evening a possibility was dropped in my lap and the opportunity to attend Cornerstone University was brought up.  Now, I didn't want to be behind.  I was a grade ahead of most of my friends and I could have waited a year and then jumped into college, but I didn't want to and I told God that the only way I was going to college was if he could get me in this semester; classes started in four days and I had never sent an application or even looked at a college.  Regardless, I applied to Cornerstone during the holiday, on the weekend, while I was rustic camping away from any transcripts(which I didn't have), grades(which I didn't have either), and any way of submitting my application.

Well, if you know anything about me, you know I'm a student at Cornerstone at the moment.  So, apparently, it worked out.  But the events and how it unfolded was such an amazing work of God that even to this day I am left speechless; God fulfilled every request and condition I made and removed every excuse I had in the process.  He oversaw everything that happened and I'm still finding out things that He did that are affecting me even now and if they hadn't happened I wouldn't have been able to be where I am.  However, long story short, I moved in the day before classes started, registered for my classes, and leaped feet first into a new environment, missing freshman orientation along the way.  I picked a major out of a list that they gave me, deciding to declare something because I thought I needed to, and picked the only thing on there I recognized and was any good at, Math.  I went into my freshman year pursuing a major I had picked at random and without any clue for what I was supposed to be doing there.  My freshman year was a miracle in and of itself that I will explain in more detail in later posts.  Sufficed to say I heard about something at the end of the year that caught my ear, the possibility of a Creative Writing major.  I explored the possibility the next semester, the beginning of my sophomore year, and after that semester God had convinced me and I changed my major.  Ever since then God has made it abundantly clear that this is where He's put me and that He has plans for me even if I can't see them or they seem unlikely at best.

However, possibly the best thing about college is that God's brought someone into my life that I never would have met otherwise.  I can look at friendships I've made and say that without them I wouldn't be who I am today and that God's uniquely used each one to make me more like Him, but I met a person my sophomore year I am going to spend the rest of my life with and that's something I don't even have words for.  The person I am going to Love for the rest of my life, the person who will stand with me until the end, and the person who will run toward Christ with me is something special to me and I don't believe I could have found anyone near as perfectly suited for me as she is.

And that's how I got here.  God planned it.  The whole thing.  That I'd attend Cornerstone, that I'd make the friends I have, that I'd be housed where I have been, that I'd find the major that I believe He's designed for me to impact the world by, and that I'd find the person I will spend the rest of my life with.  Looking back, every step was made without knowledge of the future and without knowing anything beyond trusting that God would provide for me along the way.  He has till now.  That's something I cannot look past.  And worry about if I'll be able to provide in the future is essentially implying that God won't continue to provide.  So, not only does He say He will provide, but He has shown me He will provide and that's not something I will ignore.

Wow.  That is the only word I can say right now.  That is the only word that describes how I feel after looking at what God's done in the past, present, and what He has for my future.  He has my awe, admiration, and loyalty and can give me any direction and I will follow it.  I can't imagine life without my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.  This month has helped cement that belief more than ever.

At then end of this the only I can say is thank you.  Thank you God, thank you Jesus.  You've brought me out of the miry clay and set my feet on solid ground.  You've given me purpose, hope and Love.  And You're working in me now even if I can't see it just yet.  I'll give it a month.  Then maybe I'll see what He's doing at this moment ;]  This was a long one and there will be more to come this month because He never stops awing me with what He does in, through, and around me.


Finding Peace in the Moment,
Joshua