Well, I feel the pull to write again. As with last time, I'm not sure what this is about either, but here goes.
Life is uncertain, at least that's certain. Life is complicated, simply complicated. Life is unknown, but we know how it will go. I could go on. Life is full of seeming paradoxes. As I look around me I see rules or laws and exceptions to each and every one. There's justice, but times when it is overlooked. People make promises, but break them if they want to. Love is given, and then it is taken back. Safety is taken for granted, until it is violently taken away. All broken... Everything around me. I see people hurting because of how these lies of life have left them hurt and empty. As I see that, I could despair.
But it doesn't end there.
I then see something else, I see Jesus. Now you might write that off as cheap sentimentality, or a crutch. To put it bluntly, you would be wrong. Let me come at it from how I've been seeing it recently.
Jesus is certain, He shows us who He is through the Bible; the whole Bible, cover to cover. Jesus is complex, but not complicated; He is simple as well. Jesus allows us to know who He is and desires to reveal himself to us in everyday life and through His word, the Bible. I could go on. Jesus doesn't disappoint. We might be disappointed in Him, but He doesn't let us down, we simply don't like what He's saying. It could be too hard for us. We might not be able to do it ourselves. We might not see why we should do it. It might seem like it's not the right path. Our pile of excuses accumulate until you feel like you're justified in what you're saying or doing. And that's when you expect something that you see all around you, Jesus to give up because it's not worth it. But, He doesn't.
That's what I've seen this week. I have messed up, some ways larger than others, but He's right there letting me know that He's still working with me, alongside me, and for me. It blows my mind so much... I don't understand how and why God blesses me the way He does and I don't know why He brings me through the hard times when I'm not even worth saving. But that's the beauty of Jesus, He saves those that don't deserve it. So, that's part of my week.
Well, it's about that time of the year. My birthday is only eight days away. I'm not usually one to really think about it. But now I'm excited for my birthday. That weekend is going to be refreshing, my birthday is going to be exciting, and I will return to school ready to face anew the rest of the semester.
Honestly, I'm tired. I'm tired of classes already, I'm physically tired, and I'm tired of not feeling spiritually full. But I'm facing each day asking for strength for today, and now I know Jesus will provide it. Maybe only enough strength for each moment, but I'm given enough strength. It makes me rely on Jesus moment by moment, and any time I don't life crashes. I have to take it one step at a time. It makes it tedious at times, and I often feel like everything's moving slow but I'm beginning to see that this full reliance is where I'm supposed to be with God. By now my exhaustion is probably talking so I'll close this up for tonight. I'm excited to be relying on the one person I know is constant and will be able to carry me through life and life's problems.
Living Life By Jesus' Strength Daily,
Joshua
Sunday, October 6, 2013
Thursday, September 26, 2013
Thoughts on a Thursday Night
I want to have a topic in mind before I start writing a post, I enjoy knowing at least in some vague way where my thoughts are going. But today I don't have a specific idea in mind, there are far too many tumbling around in my head to pick any one out. So, as the disclaimer says, I will simply share my thoughts with you. Mind though, I am not even sure what's going to come out.
First off my week has been insane. This summer has taken an awful toll on me that I didn't understand the ramifications of until now. Video games are no longer a de-stresser. I can no longer unwind by hopping on a video game and playing for a little bit. Now this may sound trivial to some, or perhaps somewhat interesting to others, but it has been a nightmare for me. I used to pride myself(Huh, first hint something bad's going to happen) on the fact that I was never stressed. I could go through some pretty crazy circumstances and I wouldn't be stressed, or at least I could easily and quickly deal with that stress in a way that rendered it inconsequential. But I no longer can. I didn't feel it immediately after summer camp(where the change happened) because nothing really stressing me then. I didn't feel it the first few weeks of school because I was starting up classes and everything was pretty simple. I felt it when life got crazy, I got no sleep, and everything was due. That's when it hit me, with a force I had never felt before.
That's just the tip of the iceberg, I had known video games could no longer de-stress me since a couple weeks after camp but I didn't know what that meant, I had never dealt with stress. I had always been comfortably free of it. I was a wreck that night, I couldn't think straight enough to solve simple equations, my words were slow and clunky, and I felt as if gravity had doubled. I walked through a fog for a couple days before I made it to the other side of the piles of homework and could breath, I'm still not back to normal. I have quickly found that turning to God is the only way it gets any easier, the only way to alleviate or relive even a little bit of the crushing weight.
I know why it happened, I asked God to draw me closer to Him. I did the one thing any sane person would shy from, because when I said it, I meant it. I wanted to grow closer to Him, I wanted to know Him more; I didn't know what that meant. But He did, He knew that for me to get closer to Him, He'd have to kick out what stood between us, and so He did. I'm wondering why He did it, why couldn't He use a different method, an easier method? Why not change the desires of my heart instead of change my life? Hmm, sounds kind of funny huh? Me telling my God what to do with my life, yeah He's probably chuckling to Himself right now too. But that's how I felt, and still do in some ways, I want my life left alone and He can change my heart so in return I can change my life, and maybe leave some things in that aren't "too bad". But He isn't satisfied with that, He doesn't only want my heart, He wants me. And me includes everything.
Speaking of everything, I've been thinking of something recently, something I've never really given much thought to before. My future. Well I've thought about my future before, wondered what I'd do after college, where I'd get a job, and, well, stopping there. I kind of look at my future as what I'd do. Which, to most logical people is what it is. Right? Well right now I'm kind of thinking about it in different way, a really different way. I'm looking at the end of college and wondering how I might be providing for a family, my job is no longer what's sufficient to sustain me but to sustain those under my care. I look even further at where God has me going, Africa, the Middle East, South America? I have no clue, but He's put them on the table, asking me what I think. Kind of scary, God saying, "So, there's people that need to hear my Word proclaimed in Africa, they need to see and hear it in the Middle East, and there are those seeking me but not knowing what to look for in South America; what do you think about the needs in these areas?" I'm more than mildly daunted and am like, "Uh, they need to hear about You...uh, perhaps someone should go to them." Right now He's just nodded and keeps looking at me, I'm not quite sure what to make of it yet. He's
refrained from talking to me for now, and I'm scared as to what it means. Because honestly I am scared of the unknown, I am willing to trust but that doesn't mean I don't fear.
Back to providing, what does that look like right now? Who am I supposed to be pouring into and caring for right now? I have several obvious people that God's put in my life and laid on my heart, but I know there are more, God's told me so. But He hasn't shown me, He's waiting for me to find them. Sometimes I step back and am daunted by what God's called me to do, I am just a man and right now I am at the most broken I've ever personally been. I'm physically exhausted, mentally gone, and spiritually dry right now. I am wandering through a wilderness with only the dim outline of God to seek after, and right now I feel like He's leading me deeper into the desert. I am a strong person because I have had to be my whole life, but when my own strength fails and I'm left crushed what is left? I'm always one for a solution, always there with an answer! But right now even my own answers are flying in my face, they seem like useless words compared to how I feel right now.
But it doesn't end there, thankfully it gets better! No, nothing spectacular happened, no great change has yet to come upon me; in fact, I'm expecting this whole semester to feel somewhere along this vein. However, I do trust in God, and by saying that I am claiming His promise to always be with me. When they faced some of their greatest enemies, God told His people in Deuteronomy 31:6
I like trust, a random trivia fact about me for the day. I find joy in knowing that someone is trustworthy and being able to trust them. It can hurt when someone turns out not to be, but for some reason that doesn't deter me. But here's something I CAN trust, but far too often don't. Why don't I? I have yet to find out, perhaps I'm scared of putting that much on the line. Trusting that God is with me when I'm going through trials and wilderness is more than I feel comfortable doing because if He lets me down then I'm not sure where I'll stop falling. Yet that's what's wrong with me right now, I'm not trusting God right now and that's what's making this time so hard for me, because I have no one I can rely on. Or, rather, I don't have anyone reliable I am relying on, because I let myself down far too often.
I like closing off a blog past saying that I'm going to do something or that I'm going to change something, yet right now I want to trust in God but I'm not sure if I really will. Funny to hear myself saying that, I have always had faith in God; that's the one thing that has never changed since I started believing in Him. Yet right now I am wondering if I can truly trust on God in this, or if I'll keep relying on myself. I guess I'll close with a prayer, which perhaps is what I should do every time.
Wishing Life Wasn't So Hard, But Glad God's Always With Me,
Joshua
First off my week has been insane. This summer has taken an awful toll on me that I didn't understand the ramifications of until now. Video games are no longer a de-stresser. I can no longer unwind by hopping on a video game and playing for a little bit. Now this may sound trivial to some, or perhaps somewhat interesting to others, but it has been a nightmare for me. I used to pride myself(Huh, first hint something bad's going to happen) on the fact that I was never stressed. I could go through some pretty crazy circumstances and I wouldn't be stressed, or at least I could easily and quickly deal with that stress in a way that rendered it inconsequential. But I no longer can. I didn't feel it immediately after summer camp(where the change happened) because nothing really stressing me then. I didn't feel it the first few weeks of school because I was starting up classes and everything was pretty simple. I felt it when life got crazy, I got no sleep, and everything was due. That's when it hit me, with a force I had never felt before.
That's just the tip of the iceberg, I had known video games could no longer de-stress me since a couple weeks after camp but I didn't know what that meant, I had never dealt with stress. I had always been comfortably free of it. I was a wreck that night, I couldn't think straight enough to solve simple equations, my words were slow and clunky, and I felt as if gravity had doubled. I walked through a fog for a couple days before I made it to the other side of the piles of homework and could breath, I'm still not back to normal. I have quickly found that turning to God is the only way it gets any easier, the only way to alleviate or relive even a little bit of the crushing weight.
I know why it happened, I asked God to draw me closer to Him. I did the one thing any sane person would shy from, because when I said it, I meant it. I wanted to grow closer to Him, I wanted to know Him more; I didn't know what that meant. But He did, He knew that for me to get closer to Him, He'd have to kick out what stood between us, and so He did. I'm wondering why He did it, why couldn't He use a different method, an easier method? Why not change the desires of my heart instead of change my life? Hmm, sounds kind of funny huh? Me telling my God what to do with my life, yeah He's probably chuckling to Himself right now too. But that's how I felt, and still do in some ways, I want my life left alone and He can change my heart so in return I can change my life, and maybe leave some things in that aren't "too bad". But He isn't satisfied with that, He doesn't only want my heart, He wants me. And me includes everything.
Speaking of everything, I've been thinking of something recently, something I've never really given much thought to before. My future. Well I've thought about my future before, wondered what I'd do after college, where I'd get a job, and, well, stopping there. I kind of look at my future as what I'd do. Which, to most logical people is what it is. Right? Well right now I'm kind of thinking about it in different way, a really different way. I'm looking at the end of college and wondering how I might be providing for a family, my job is no longer what's sufficient to sustain me but to sustain those under my care. I look even further at where God has me going, Africa, the Middle East, South America? I have no clue, but He's put them on the table, asking me what I think. Kind of scary, God saying, "So, there's people that need to hear my Word proclaimed in Africa, they need to see and hear it in the Middle East, and there are those seeking me but not knowing what to look for in South America; what do you think about the needs in these areas?" I'm more than mildly daunted and am like, "Uh, they need to hear about You...uh, perhaps someone should go to them." Right now He's just nodded and keeps looking at me, I'm not quite sure what to make of it yet. He's
refrained from talking to me for now, and I'm scared as to what it means. Because honestly I am scared of the unknown, I am willing to trust but that doesn't mean I don't fear.
Back to providing, what does that look like right now? Who am I supposed to be pouring into and caring for right now? I have several obvious people that God's put in my life and laid on my heart, but I know there are more, God's told me so. But He hasn't shown me, He's waiting for me to find them. Sometimes I step back and am daunted by what God's called me to do, I am just a man and right now I am at the most broken I've ever personally been. I'm physically exhausted, mentally gone, and spiritually dry right now. I am wandering through a wilderness with only the dim outline of God to seek after, and right now I feel like He's leading me deeper into the desert. I am a strong person because I have had to be my whole life, but when my own strength fails and I'm left crushed what is left? I'm always one for a solution, always there with an answer! But right now even my own answers are flying in my face, they seem like useless words compared to how I feel right now.
But it doesn't end there, thankfully it gets better! No, nothing spectacular happened, no great change has yet to come upon me; in fact, I'm expecting this whole semester to feel somewhere along this vein. However, I do trust in God, and by saying that I am claiming His promise to always be with me. When they faced some of their greatest enemies, God told His people in Deuteronomy 31:6
"Be strong and courageous, do not be afraid or tremble at them, for the Lord your God is the one who goes with you. He will not fail you or forsake you."They were facing things beyond their strength to defeat, an unknown future, and more stress than you can imagine! But God told His people, 'He(God) will not fail you or forsake you.' He didn't tell them everything would be alright, they wouldn't suffer, or that they would never lose, because they would. Their sin would draw them away from God and their rebellion would cost them many things, and because of this God would let them reap the consequences. But, God said He'd always be with them, and He has yet to break a promise.
I like trust, a random trivia fact about me for the day. I find joy in knowing that someone is trustworthy and being able to trust them. It can hurt when someone turns out not to be, but for some reason that doesn't deter me. But here's something I CAN trust, but far too often don't. Why don't I? I have yet to find out, perhaps I'm scared of putting that much on the line. Trusting that God is with me when I'm going through trials and wilderness is more than I feel comfortable doing because if He lets me down then I'm not sure where I'll stop falling. Yet that's what's wrong with me right now, I'm not trusting God right now and that's what's making this time so hard for me, because I have no one I can rely on. Or, rather, I don't have anyone reliable I am relying on, because I let myself down far too often.
I like closing off a blog past saying that I'm going to do something or that I'm going to change something, yet right now I want to trust in God but I'm not sure if I really will. Funny to hear myself saying that, I have always had faith in God; that's the one thing that has never changed since I started believing in Him. Yet right now I am wondering if I can truly trust on God in this, or if I'll keep relying on myself. I guess I'll close with a prayer, which perhaps is what I should do every time.
Father, I am not doing so well right now. I am weighed down by work, lack of sleep, and concern for those around me. Something has been breaking for a while, my ability to do what I need to, and I need your help...no I need you to completely take over. I asked this summer for you to draw me closer to you and you've made the way open for me to, but I haven't. Will you continue to draw me to you? Will you continue on to completion what you've started in me? That's what I'm asking right now, that you don't leave me here wondering where I am, please guide me and lead me, Father. In the name of your Son, Jesus Christ, Amen
Wishing Life Wasn't So Hard, But Glad God's Always With Me,
Joshua
Wednesday, September 4, 2013
Breaking Down Being Broken
So how's the past couple days been? Kinda terrible actually. I've been feeling really broken, the weight of this semester and what's in store has me scared, hurting for those around me, and feeling somewhat lost. So right now I'm broken, wondering if more or less this is how the rest of the semester is going to be. But just as I was wondering this a thought hit me, the answer to the question of if this is how the semester is going to go.
Now the answer didn't come in the form of a yes or no response but instead in the form of a challenge from God to me.
"How do you handle brokenness?" That's what He asked me. I stopped for a moment and thought about how I respond when I'm broken, when I'm hurt or when I'm hurting for others. Well, I'll be honest, most of the time when I feel broken I turn to God and ask that He make me feel whole again and that He'd take my brokenness and use it for His will.
Now there's nothing wrong with this; if I want to be made whole in Christ and ask for healing, He oft times will lead me to healing and to oneness with Him. But then there was last night. Last night was crazy. After a day of getting back in touch with my friends, making new friends, and getting ready for classes today, I had a growing feeling that something wasn't right. I felt broken and I didn't know why; I was hurting so much I could physically feel it in my chest, like someone had taken a wooden stake and stabbed me with it. I prayed God would help me through it and bring me out stronger in Him on the other side. He told me that He would but I had to wait. I hate waiting(props to you if you read this in Inigo Montoya's voice).
But as it turns out I wasn't waiting on Him, He was waiting on me. He had something for me to do before He'd heal me. What was it, well I didn't see it till right now.
So yesterday I was hanging out with friends, fellow Cornerstone students and a close friend, and the whole time I had this feeling of brokenness I've been talking about. Throughout the whole time I was slightly distracted with asking God to heal me inside and take away these feelings of brokenness until we split up for the night to head our respective ways. At that point I stood there alone, wrestling silently with these feelings and wondering what to do. Then I knew what to do. On the way into the building I was standing in I had seen one of my friend's face and I knew that he needed prayer.
So I walked into his room and we talked about how things were going and how I could be praying for him. As I prayed for him and his roommate, I felt a sense of peace. That was the tipping point. From there I just started praying for everyone I knew that needed prayer, I prayed that night at my dorm room, I prayed as I got ready for bed, and as I fell asleep.
Today I'm still hurting for those around me, but not as strong as I was last night. And that's when I realized something amazing, God had broken me so that I'd be willing to help those around me that were breaking. As I thought about that and the implications my mind exploded. I am broken because there are those around me that are broken.
Honestly, before now, if God had told me that He broke me and let me be hurt so I could help those around me I would have resented it. I don't like feeling the creeping sense of dread and hollowness that I get when I'm broken. Why should I have to feel it merely because someone else is hurting, let them turn to God and seek His healing and leave me nice and unbroken, thank you. How shallow am I.
So that's it, that's why I'm broken, because there are those around me that need a friend to come beside them and be there with them and encourage them. So now I have this "spiritual radar" of sorts. Whenever I feel broken I need to reach out to those around me that are hurting, broken, and lost. I need to no longer think about being made whole, but being broken even more so that I never forget that I'm part of a community here at college and a community of faith who need each other to stand beside each other to care, love, and build each other up.
We are called to be like Christ, and he wasn't looking to be served, but to serve those around Him.
We are called to place others before ourselves and take care of each other.
There are countless passages where we are called to place others before ourselves and far too often I don't do that. So God, in His loving kindness, revealed His way for me to look past myself. I am to look at those around me when I'm broken and pray for them, walk beside the, and sometimes simply be there for them.
The cool thing about this is that now I'm looking forward to the next time I'm broken, not because it'll bring me closer to God and more like Jesus, but because I get to actively do that as I am being broken!!
Joyfully Anticipating Hurting,
Joshua
Now the answer didn't come in the form of a yes or no response but instead in the form of a challenge from God to me.
"How do you handle brokenness?" That's what He asked me. I stopped for a moment and thought about how I respond when I'm broken, when I'm hurt or when I'm hurting for others. Well, I'll be honest, most of the time when I feel broken I turn to God and ask that He make me feel whole again and that He'd take my brokenness and use it for His will.
Now there's nothing wrong with this; if I want to be made whole in Christ and ask for healing, He oft times will lead me to healing and to oneness with Him. But then there was last night. Last night was crazy. After a day of getting back in touch with my friends, making new friends, and getting ready for classes today, I had a growing feeling that something wasn't right. I felt broken and I didn't know why; I was hurting so much I could physically feel it in my chest, like someone had taken a wooden stake and stabbed me with it. I prayed God would help me through it and bring me out stronger in Him on the other side. He told me that He would but I had to wait. I hate waiting(props to you if you read this in Inigo Montoya's voice).
But as it turns out I wasn't waiting on Him, He was waiting on me. He had something for me to do before He'd heal me. What was it, well I didn't see it till right now.
So yesterday I was hanging out with friends, fellow Cornerstone students and a close friend, and the whole time I had this feeling of brokenness I've been talking about. Throughout the whole time I was slightly distracted with asking God to heal me inside and take away these feelings of brokenness until we split up for the night to head our respective ways. At that point I stood there alone, wrestling silently with these feelings and wondering what to do. Then I knew what to do. On the way into the building I was standing in I had seen one of my friend's face and I knew that he needed prayer.
So I walked into his room and we talked about how things were going and how I could be praying for him. As I prayed for him and his roommate, I felt a sense of peace. That was the tipping point. From there I just started praying for everyone I knew that needed prayer, I prayed that night at my dorm room, I prayed as I got ready for bed, and as I fell asleep.
Today I'm still hurting for those around me, but not as strong as I was last night. And that's when I realized something amazing, God had broken me so that I'd be willing to help those around me that were breaking. As I thought about that and the implications my mind exploded. I am broken because there are those around me that are broken.
Honestly, before now, if God had told me that He broke me and let me be hurt so I could help those around me I would have resented it. I don't like feeling the creeping sense of dread and hollowness that I get when I'm broken. Why should I have to feel it merely because someone else is hurting, let them turn to God and seek His healing and leave me nice and unbroken, thank you. How shallow am I.
So that's it, that's why I'm broken, because there are those around me that need a friend to come beside them and be there with them and encourage them. So now I have this "spiritual radar" of sorts. Whenever I feel broken I need to reach out to those around me that are hurting, broken, and lost. I need to no longer think about being made whole, but being broken even more so that I never forget that I'm part of a community here at college and a community of faith who need each other to stand beside each other to care, love, and build each other up.
"...the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve..." Matthew 20:28
We are called to be like Christ, and he wasn't looking to be served, but to serve those around Him.
"...through love serve one another." Galatians 5:13
We are called to place others before ourselves and take care of each other.
There are countless passages where we are called to place others before ourselves and far too often I don't do that. So God, in His loving kindness, revealed His way for me to look past myself. I am to look at those around me when I'm broken and pray for them, walk beside the, and sometimes simply be there for them.
The cool thing about this is that now I'm looking forward to the next time I'm broken, not because it'll bring me closer to God and more like Jesus, but because I get to actively do that as I am being broken!!
Joyfully Anticipating Hurting,
Joshua
Tuesday, September 3, 2013
Words With Friends I
Well something's been on my mind recently, it's one of the many saying that I have. And, if you know me, you've probably heard plenty of them by now. Where I pick these up I don't usually remember. Why I say them is because they mean something special or unique to me and every time I say them they remind me of something that I often shouldn't forget.
The one I feel like I should share today is, "This is the first day of the rest of my life."
Now many of you have possibly heard that before, it's the lyrics of a song, it's the title of a book, it's the name of a movie, and the list goes on. It's not a saying unique to me. So why is this something I say and why is it something I've been thinking about recently, well, let me tell you.
Coming into this school year I've been feeling really weighed down. The past couple years I have taken a back seat and been content to watch life go on around me, not reaching out to build up those around me. I didn't seek out ways to help lead and serve, merely enjoying living comfortably. And now that plagues me, how could I have been so selfish? And because of that I don't feel like I'm where I should have been.
So I have my failures looming over me and the realization that this is what I've been for the past couple years and it's become a habit, and it will be so easy to fall back into who I've been. Looking in the past has this strange of sapping your energy to live for the future. So I've been trying to look forward to what God has for me this year, but I feel the presence of what I was creeping up behind me and I find myself looking every so often over my shoulder. It's a problem I have, letting my past sneak up on me, even when it's not trying to and it's simply me worrying.
But this is where this particular saying brings my mind back on track. First off it says nothing about the past. It helps me look to the work I have to do now, not what or how I've failed in the past. Second it gives a sense of hope, I have a life ahead of me that God has a plan for and good works He's prepared for me to do!
Wow, even righting this I have this thrill that God's got something just around the corner for me to do! It's my way of remembering that God's right there with me and because of that my past is past and my future has yet to become the past, so it's time I start living in the present.
So that's the first one. You'll see more of my sayings as God lays them on my heart. I hope you were encouraged at this and the fact that what's in the past can only affect your future if you let it, because today is the first day of the rest of your life, so live it now how you want it to be. Because tomorrow never comes, it stays tomorrow and all you have is the here and now. And the past never becomes your future, it can just become what you see in the future when you stop looking at what God has for you to do and instead look at how you've failed in the past.
I challenge you to live like today is the first day of the rest of your life!
Starting Over, Starting Today, and Starting With Christ,
Joshua
The one I feel like I should share today is, "This is the first day of the rest of my life."
Now many of you have possibly heard that before, it's the lyrics of a song, it's the title of a book, it's the name of a movie, and the list goes on. It's not a saying unique to me. So why is this something I say and why is it something I've been thinking about recently, well, let me tell you.
Coming into this school year I've been feeling really weighed down. The past couple years I have taken a back seat and been content to watch life go on around me, not reaching out to build up those around me. I didn't seek out ways to help lead and serve, merely enjoying living comfortably. And now that plagues me, how could I have been so selfish? And because of that I don't feel like I'm where I should have been.
So I have my failures looming over me and the realization that this is what I've been for the past couple years and it's become a habit, and it will be so easy to fall back into who I've been. Looking in the past has this strange of sapping your energy to live for the future. So I've been trying to look forward to what God has for me this year, but I feel the presence of what I was creeping up behind me and I find myself looking every so often over my shoulder. It's a problem I have, letting my past sneak up on me, even when it's not trying to and it's simply me worrying.
But this is where this particular saying brings my mind back on track. First off it says nothing about the past. It helps me look to the work I have to do now, not what or how I've failed in the past. Second it gives a sense of hope, I have a life ahead of me that God has a plan for and good works He's prepared for me to do!
Wow, even righting this I have this thrill that God's got something just around the corner for me to do! It's my way of remembering that God's right there with me and because of that my past is past and my future has yet to become the past, so it's time I start living in the present.
So that's the first one. You'll see more of my sayings as God lays them on my heart. I hope you were encouraged at this and the fact that what's in the past can only affect your future if you let it, because today is the first day of the rest of your life, so live it now how you want it to be. Because tomorrow never comes, it stays tomorrow and all you have is the here and now. And the past never becomes your future, it can just become what you see in the future when you stop looking at what God has for you to do and instead look at how you've failed in the past.
I challenge you to live like today is the first day of the rest of your life!
Starting Over, Starting Today, and Starting With Christ,
Joshua
Sunday, August 25, 2013
Conquering Sin!
*DISCLAIMER* This post contains content somewhat more explicit in nature than my normal posts and I will be being completely open, just a heads up. *DISCLAIMER*
How do I approach and handle temptations, struggles, and times I fail? How do I approach and handle the times where I'm doing well and following God? A book I've been reading recently has shown me several things about those questions. If you haven't noticed the theme of books and how they make me think then let me point it out to you. A good book can make you look at something from someone else's perspective or in a light you'd never seen before. This is one of the reasons I write, because it's possible I might be able to do that to somebody. One day.
Anyway, back to the book. Simply put, it is the book of Hosea from the Bible turned into a story and set in the gold rush era of the 1850's. If the first thing you think of when I say that it's a book of the Bible turned into a story is that it sounds boring, I would recommend that you get your hands on this book and tell me when you're done with it how boring it was. The name of the book is Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers, although a word of caution, it has some more grown up themes and portrays them in an honest light so proceed with care.
If you are unfamiliar with the book of Hosea, then I'll give you a brief synopsis. The book of Hosea is about the prophet Hosea who God calls to get married. Now this might shock you a little bit, but God calls him to marry a woman out of prostitution named Gomer. Not exactly the model wife many people are looking for when they feel like God wants them to get married. But that is far from the end of the end of the book; she leaves Hosea and goes back to prostitution. God calls Hosea to bring her back and to restore her to her place as his wife. It doesn't end there; she leaves him again for prostitution. Again he's called to bring her back and restore her. Again she leaves and he chases after her. At this point you might think Hosea's mad and God's cruel, but God's plan is much greater than this. He is trying to show Israel that they have been Gomer to God, constantly leaving Him to go back to their previous sins.
Now that the base work has been set, let's dive in!
I'd like to say starting off that this isn't my first time reading this book, and to me this is a testament about the power of story and the power of truth. But as I've been reading through this time something has been hitting me hard, and I can't help but identify with Angel, Hosea's wife in Redeeming Love, at what I feel and how I deal with it. In the story Hosea loves Angel unconditionally even when she is unfaithful, and because of her past Angel feels unworthy of this love and doesn't believe it can last, thinking sooner or later things will go back to how they used to because they always have.
This is where I fall in. In the times that I'm following God and doing well spiritually, I think, "This can't last, sooner or later I'm going to fall." This comes from past experience after past experience, every time I gain a foothold over the sin that so easily creeps into my life it crumbles and I go right back to where I was. A few years ago I fall into it and wallow in it as well as my grief, and up till now I've started repenting and turning back to God as soon as I fall. Ironically this is incredibly similar to how the story goes with Angel. When she's restored to Hosea and forgiven she still thinks, "This won't last, what I once was I always will be."
For the sake of being open and honest I'll share what's on my heart. I've struggled with masturbation and pornography since the beginning of high school, they are struggles that once engrained are incredibly hard to get rid of. Many times I have been able to put them behind me, sometimes for long periods of time, but I keep looking forward to the next time I fall, trying to avoid it at all costs. But fall I do. Then I let God pick me back up and keep going, trying again not to fall.
But there's something really cool about the story, it shows me something I know in a way that applies to something I don't know. Angel can be free, she can be free of her past if she simply asks for forgiveness from the One who can and will forgive those who ask, and the One who renews us and gives us a new start. Then it hit me. God's done the same thing for me. Now it's easy to nod and say yes, of course God's given me a new start, but I'm still going to fall because this can't last, it's who I was and sooner or later I'll fall. Or even simply saying, I'm just human.
But it's not true! God's changed us and now we don't have to be our old selves anymore! It's something I've seen in the story and God's shown me through it in the past week. He's shown me that He's greater than sin, He Loves me more than I'll ever know, and I am new, there is no more old me anymore. I used to think of my past and how I'd failed, then look to the future when I'd fail again. I of course hid it behind trying to do better and telling myself I didn't want to fall and so I had to know how not to. But as I kept my focus on not failing I lost focus on the only one that keep me from failing, Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit in me.
So where does this leave me now? I still have this habit I've formed over the years of looking back and even though I'm free of sin I still have the habits I've made. Well it's time to break some habits! The cool thing is, I can never sin again. Now the logical side of me jumps in here and says, "Well yes, you CAN not sin again, but because of your flesh you likely will..." Well I'm sick of that. I'm done with being logical for a change. I have God in me and He's given me freedom from sin, I can never sin again through His grace. So what do I do with these old habits? Well first off I need to recenter myself on the one thing that matters, God. So whenever I feel my desires rising within me, seeking immediate gratification, I'm going to turn to the Bible. Instead of seeking something that I think will fill the need I have, I will seek that which I know is enough for any need I may have.
Now this is easier said than done,...aaaand there's that logical side of me coming out again. I thought I told you to leave! Well, being honest, without that logical side messing me up, I can't do this on my own. I have a tendency to be quite self reliant, and this is something I won't be able to do on my own, I've tried before. But I have God in me, the Holy Spirit, I have an advocate before the the Father, Jesus Christ, and I have a Father in heaven who Loves me and will not try to make me stumble. So I look forward without looking back, I look forward with a hope and confidence that's not in myself but in one far greater than me, and I look forward to the joy and growth God has for me as close as tomorrow and as far away as my last breath on earth! And I step onward to the struggles of today and the sanctification that only Jesus brings!
Stepping Forward in Faith, Not in Failure,
Joshua
Friday, August 23, 2013
The Power of Prayer
Well I just finished the book This Present Darkness by Frank Peretti. If you haven't hear of either the book or the author I would recommend you looking them up, as Frank Peretti is a phenomenal author and the book is extremely well done.
While the book is amazing and the whole story is something I could write about, a very particular part of it stuck out to me.
Meet Hank Busche, a pastor in a small town that the book revolves around, he's a man of God and one thing you find out about him pretty quickly is that he prays. He prays as he mows the church lawn, he prays as he's walking, he prays for those in his church as there is a vote of confidence about him coming up, and he prays in his home with his wife. Even though he isn't always actually praying, he is constantly listening to the Holy Spirit's prompting and is willing to drop on his knees at the drop of a hat.
And that's what starts the whole book. When you get to the end of the book you find out that his one prayer couldn't have won the war. But it did, his one prayer is what won the war because it was him praying that started the war. This one man's prayers are what brought the host of heaven into the battle for the town.
One man. One praying man. One man interceding in prayer for the town and laboring as the Spirit led him. That's all it takes. One man brought revival.
-
But he didn't. He didn't bring revival. He failed, he messed up, and he couldn't handle it. It was only the Spirit of God that changed hearts, the Name of Jesus that cast out demons, and the plan of God that worked out a marvelous victory. And that's not something that can be overlooked, glossed over, or made light of. Yet God used one man to start change, a revival even.
This floored me, the man didn't even do it all himself and he wasn't the object of the story, but God used his faith and actions to change a town and the hearts and lives of those there.
And that's when God asked me, "Are you ready and willing to change the lives and hearts of those around you? Are you ready to be the push that starts an avalanche? Are you ready to step out in faith?" I wasn't quite sure what to say at that moment. My first thoughts were along the lines of, "Well how can I do that? I know you use us to accomplish your tasks, but I'm no pastor, I'm just a broken man. Do my prayers really have that kind of impact?" The resounding answer was yes. In fact I know it's my prayers that matter, not on my own but as I join with the saints and we petition the Lord and cast our burdens on Him, as we pray for those around us, and as we humble ourselves to be used by God.
Something happened to me after I finished the book, I realized that revival wouldn't start without me. Now not to say that it will only take me or that I am this special tipping force, but when I think that it's someone else's job or my prayers have no effect and that they're powerless is when nothing will happen. But this extends to you, if it takes just one man to start a revival and just one man to start a war then what are you doing? Are you on your knees praying for that revival, praying for those around you that need help? Well if you are there's one more step, well one more of many. You need to step out in faith and start being the revival you're praying for. You need to serve those around you, seek to help and grow them closer to Christ, and encourage those around you to do the same.
This is when the revival starts, with one person praying. One person interceding. With one person humbling themselves and serving.
This is where revival starts, with you, and with me. I'm starting. Starting to to pray for the town I'm in, the people I'm around, and the hearts I can't see.
Revival's not going to come because we are good speakers, we have well thought out services, or we are culturally relevant. Change is going to start with dropping on our knees and interceding before God for those around us, being burdened for the lost and being willing to serve wherever God's called you.
The revival starts here. The revival starts now. Now is the time to fall on your knees. Now is the time to serve those around you. Now is the time for the Spirit to work, and we have the privilege and the burden to be the ones asking the Father to move. We have the privilege and the burden to be the ones used by God to move.
One Man on His Knees,
Joshua
While the book is amazing and the whole story is something I could write about, a very particular part of it stuck out to me.
Meet Hank Busche, a pastor in a small town that the book revolves around, he's a man of God and one thing you find out about him pretty quickly is that he prays. He prays as he mows the church lawn, he prays as he's walking, he prays for those in his church as there is a vote of confidence about him coming up, and he prays in his home with his wife. Even though he isn't always actually praying, he is constantly listening to the Holy Spirit's prompting and is willing to drop on his knees at the drop of a hat.
And that's what starts the whole book. When you get to the end of the book you find out that his one prayer couldn't have won the war. But it did, his one prayer is what won the war because it was him praying that started the war. This one man's prayers are what brought the host of heaven into the battle for the town.
One man. One praying man. One man interceding in prayer for the town and laboring as the Spirit led him. That's all it takes. One man brought revival.
-
But he didn't. He didn't bring revival. He failed, he messed up, and he couldn't handle it. It was only the Spirit of God that changed hearts, the Name of Jesus that cast out demons, and the plan of God that worked out a marvelous victory. And that's not something that can be overlooked, glossed over, or made light of. Yet God used one man to start change, a revival even.
This floored me, the man didn't even do it all himself and he wasn't the object of the story, but God used his faith and actions to change a town and the hearts and lives of those there.
And that's when God asked me, "Are you ready and willing to change the lives and hearts of those around you? Are you ready to be the push that starts an avalanche? Are you ready to step out in faith?" I wasn't quite sure what to say at that moment. My first thoughts were along the lines of, "Well how can I do that? I know you use us to accomplish your tasks, but I'm no pastor, I'm just a broken man. Do my prayers really have that kind of impact?" The resounding answer was yes. In fact I know it's my prayers that matter, not on my own but as I join with the saints and we petition the Lord and cast our burdens on Him, as we pray for those around us, and as we humble ourselves to be used by God.
Something happened to me after I finished the book, I realized that revival wouldn't start without me. Now not to say that it will only take me or that I am this special tipping force, but when I think that it's someone else's job or my prayers have no effect and that they're powerless is when nothing will happen. But this extends to you, if it takes just one man to start a revival and just one man to start a war then what are you doing? Are you on your knees praying for that revival, praying for those around you that need help? Well if you are there's one more step, well one more of many. You need to step out in faith and start being the revival you're praying for. You need to serve those around you, seek to help and grow them closer to Christ, and encourage those around you to do the same.
This is when the revival starts, with one person praying. One person interceding. With one person humbling themselves and serving.
This is where revival starts, with you, and with me. I'm starting. Starting to to pray for the town I'm in, the people I'm around, and the hearts I can't see.
Revival's not going to come because we are good speakers, we have well thought out services, or we are culturally relevant. Change is going to start with dropping on our knees and interceding before God for those around us, being burdened for the lost and being willing to serve wherever God's called you.
The revival starts here. The revival starts now. Now is the time to fall on your knees. Now is the time to serve those around you. Now is the time for the Spirit to work, and we have the privilege and the burden to be the ones asking the Father to move. We have the privilege and the burden to be the ones used by God to move.
One Man on His Knees,
Joshua
Friday, August 16, 2013
Coming Undone
Come undone,
Surrender is stronger
I don't need to be the hero tonight
We all want Love
We all want Honor
Nobody wants to pay the asking price
This has been running through my head in the past few days. I have been looking forward to Cornerstone for the past couple weeks and how God will use me this year. But as I look at everything that's going on in preparation for college and think about what I'll be doing there I have a profound sense of...pointlessness. Why am I spending my time and money to get an education so I can get a job and make money and live a life. Why is that what I'm trying to do? There are still people who haven't heard the gospel, there are people that need to be discipled, and there are people that are willing to listen. Why am I not trying to reach out to them? Instead I'm trying to get a piece of paper saying I learned something useful.
That's how I feel right now. Very much not wanting to be where I'm at.
But this is where God has me, He's shown me time and time again He's providing for me and has a plan for me. But I don't want to be here, I want to be out reaching out to others! I am willing to go and serve, I am willing to do whatever God tells me, I am willing to no longer be comfortable. But where am I, living in comfort and luxury while my brothers and sisters suffer for their faith and while people die never even knowing about Christ.
This is pulling my heart apart, I feel like I'm supposed to be here but I want to be there!
Then my mind goes back to that song, that chorus.
Come undone,I need to stop trying to figure this out, "Come undone," I need to stop wanting to do something and let God's will work though me, "Surrender is stronger," and even though I want to be the one bringing the gospel to those people right now it's not my place, "I don't need to be the hero tonight."
Surrender is stronger
I don't need to be the hero tonight
I don't like it. It feels so hard to hear about the possibility to serve while I'm planning to go to school, live in a comfortable room, eat three meals a day, and have my biggest worry be whether or not I'll get an A or a B in my classes. Everything around me is so comfortable that I am no longer comfortable here. Yet, this is where I am. This is where God's put me. I will follow His direction and guidance to Love those around me, encourage them to pursue Christ, and be waiting on His next directions. No matter if they are to be a servant to those here or to head overseas to be a servant there. I can serve in both places(But between you and me, I'd rather be overseas).
So as I look at this mess I am reminded of a verse, Matthew 16:24
"Then Jesus said to His disciples, “If anyone wishes to come after Me, he must deny himself, and take up his cross and follow Me."Oddly enough what sticks out to me right now about this verse is not what is normally taken out of it; I hear God telling me that I must deny MY desires right now and focus on His plans for me in the here and now, not desire to be overseas and serving there. God has a plan for me here and instead of wanting to be overseas serving I need to follow His lead and serve those here right now. Never thought God'd be talking me out of going overseas right now, but here's praying He's calling me there in the future!
Struggling to Serve In the Here and Now,
Joshua
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