Coming Full Circle

I have come full circle.

An expression that is often used. It usually means completion, but for me it means beginning. Go back to last year, at the beginning of the the semester. I had gotten into my first relationship and my life was headed for a lot of change. But to set this up, I need to do a bit of backstory...

I grew up in a great home. I may not have liked it then and I may feel that something was missing now, but my parents loved me and raised me well. As for me, I am someone who once I get an idea I hold it very firmly until something comes along that can sway me to let go of that idea and look for a new one. So, growing up I got a lot of my values, a lot of my habits, and a lot of my beliefs from my parents, from what they taught me, exemplified for me, and disciplined into me.

When I first left home and went to college, I held onto these beliefs to help me navigate my way through a foreign and scary new environment. I had those beliefs challenged, shocked, or reinforced through that first year and I started to make them my own, but only my beliefs. How I acted, who I was, stayed the same. College challenged where I stood on things, not how I was raised or how I decided to live. That started last year.

Until last year I had never dated anyone. Until then I had never stepped outside my social bubble. Doing both has done a number on how I live, how I view life, and my personal compass. I have come face-to-face with people who view life totally different than I do. I knew plenty of people did, but when I actually got to see why they did, what caused them to view life the way they did, I started to lose the ground I stood on. My faith and morals that had been reinforced my whole life and shored up by caring parents were starting to crumble without the help I had been provided while at home. Over the course of a year major parts of each were put to the test and refined in fire.

The first to go was my giving. Now I'm not talking at church, but in my own life. I had an RA my freshman year who had a personal code that I greatly respect. If anyone saw a shirt on him they liked or a hoodie or something and asked for it, he'd give it to them. Just like that! Going into college I enjoy giving to others. Money, my time, any possessions I had were someone else's if they needed them! I enjoyed it, it was fun! But over the past year I have started getting stingier. I have held onto my stuff more, hoarding it away. I kept my money and didn't want to be open handed with it because I had to "think about the future." I have traveled the whole year getting worse and worse until God finally stopped me and made me make a decision. It ended with me getting rid of many things I had. They were simply things, and yet I let them get between me and my walk with God. So I gave away some of my prize possessions to those I knew would appreciate and use them. I am still letting go of a lot of my stuff, my money, and my time. I haven't gotten back to where I was, but I am come back around to where I started...

Next was reading the Bible. Since sophomore year I have been reading my Bible every day. It started intermittently and soon it became an everyday occasion because of how much I Loved to read it! I read it with an excitement and passion and I would spend time in it. Over the past year that has gone from exciting to almost ritualistic. It has slowly turned into something I just do, instead of celebrating a gift God's given me. That changed today actually. Chapel today was amazing and God reached down and spoke to me, saying, "This has become a ritual to you. One you enjoy, but one that has lost its passion for you." I realized He was right(always is :P ). And I have spent a lot of time praying earnestly today and He's re-sparking that passion for the gift He's given me!

The biggest one has probably been my future. Coming into college I trusted entirely on God to guide my steps, overcome what obstacles would rise in my path, and to give me strength when I was empty. The past year has slowly deconstructed that. Planning for the future, worrying about after college, wondering what I'm going to use my degree for, and many other things have doggedly drawn my eyes away from following God's guidance in the everyday that I may be in His will for the long haul! He's still working on me with that one. I am starting to look ahead--something He's called me to do--but I am no longer worrying about how He's going to use where He's put me. He's brought me here for a reason, and I know He has a plan for it in the future.

These are just three major ones. There are others, but through them all He is bringing me full circle. He is taking what was once blindly trusted in and turning it into something I can build upon; Him and Him alone. It's not been an easy process and there has been many hard times because of it, but His plans for the future are still leaving me in shock as I can only blink in awe at what He has planned :] I believe all of us undergo a testing of our foundations and what matters to us. And after the fire has cleansed the dross, we will stand before him as pure gold, ready for Him to work into a masterpiece! This is the beginning of another chapter, one built on Him and not what I've been taught.


In God's Flames,
Joshua

The Tides of Life

What does the tide do? Well, simply thinking about it brings a whole host of answers to mind. It ebbs and flows. It swells. It drags things out to sea and brings things from the sea to land. It leaves gifts and takes treasures. It creates viscous currents and leaves peaceful pools. The tide is a force and a reaction. It is these and many more. Life has been very tide-like this first month at school. Lots of lows and highs. It is and will be a season of constant change but absolute assurance. Let me give you a few glances at the tide of my life this past month :]

Starting this month was not the lowest the tide's ever been for me, but it was filled with the most vicious current I've ever faced and dragged a lot out to sea. Just before school started I was informed that God called the person I'd been dating for nearly a year to let go of all others and seek Him alone. She let me know that meant me and let go of me, and I am proud of her for that. It also was the worst rip tide I've ever been in. It swirled me around, ripped me from shore, disoriented me, and left me adrift.

I struggled to swim back to shore, leaning heavily on God all the way. He was my life preserver then, the only thing holding me up when I simply could go any farther right then. I got back to shore and found myself at college. I look around the beach and realized how bare it was, the current had pulled a great many things out with it. I knew I didn't have time to stop and get oriented so I  tackled something, only to find that my source of encouragement was no longer there--I've faltered more than once since then. I faced strange things left behind by the tide, emotions, parts of my past, plenty of dead fish, but I had no one I could talk to about it, no one there that I trusted implicitly.

Those first few weeks were strange. I wandered, literally at times around campus, and was shocked at how much of my life was uprooted, torn apart, or left strew on the beach. I walked in a daze sometimes, too numb or completely overwhelmed to even begin to think. It still happens now, I find myself unable to do anything from playing a computer game to enjoy simply walking outside because of the utter lack of anything or the pure overwhelming chaos of everything. I can't even begin to describe how hard it is to be outside looking up at the stars at night and feel...nothing. No closeness to God, no peace, no joy, just nothing because I'm filled with so much there that there's no longer room for anything else. I can't even think. Imagine being unable to think. Yeah, if you'd asked me to do that before now I'd probably have looked at you strange and wondered how someone could not be able to think. Well, I guess I didn't know everything, but I already knew that ;] ...sorry, couldn't help that one :P

Through this whole time I've been actively running after Jesus. He's the only one who can help. He's the only one who can show me where peace is. He is the only one who can give me confidence. He is the only one who knows what will set me on my feet again. And at times I find Him and am at peace for a while as I walk with Him unhurriedly and rest in knowing and being with Him. Then the tide rushes in and sucks me out again, the overwhelming emotions cascading over me. I struggle out of them back to the beach and start my search again. Every time it's impeded by skewed hopes, broken pieces of the past, or my own frailties. But every time He is faithful to lead me back to Him and give me the peace without which I would have lost it after a couple weeks.

Recently Jesus has been doing something a little different. He's still walking with me and giving me peace between the ebb and flow of my emotions, but every once in a while he points to a hole in the sand. I run over and look in. It's a tide pool. Some are deep, almost bottomless, and some are shallow enough I reach the bottom. In every one He shows me things I wouldn't have seen if the tide had just stayed high. One is he confidence He has given me as my own. The ability to rise to a difficult or bewildering challenge and face it with His help. This pool was made with help by a very special person who I remember every time I look at it and God reminds me of it. In other ones I find hopes long buried, possibilities never before seen, and glimpses of mysteries I am still unraveling.

The ebb and flow is still there, not as bad as before, but at times it still catches me by surprise. Yet God is using it to point out where I need to rely on Him more and learn from Him. I'm finding some incredibly difficult things to work on, things that have been part of me my entire life and are not easily changed or surrendered. And even harder is not only getting rid of them, but then filling that empty part of me with Christ and becoming like Him. For some reason my flesh doesn't want to become like Christ...huh, go figure. I think God's said a couple times that'll be how it is... :P

So, how about right now? Right now I am at peace. I have seen some pretty rough places in my life that need changing. I need to learn how to hope again. Pure hope, hope based and focused on Christ, and hope that will not disappoint. I need to start looking ahead to where God is leading me and what I need to be doing now to follow His lead in the here and now. I also need to suck it up and do my work. I have a book to edit, schoolwork to do, a small group to finish planning and start up, and a relationship with my Jesus to seek after. It's a lot, but He's given me the time, strength, and ability to do it; I just have to die to myself and start killing the flesh when it gets in my way.

Those are only a few. There are more ones that are small, ones that are all encompassing and can't be expressed in words, and some that honestly hurt too much to share, sometimes even with myself. But here are a few that you can ask me about if at any time the Spirit leads you to. I'll answer honestly, so be prepared to have some time to listen ;]

Right now, I feel close to God, but I know at any moment I could be pulled viciously away from Him by a surge of uncontrollable emotion. It used to be scary, the fear of when and if it would happen made me cling tighter to God and strike out harder to get back to Him on the shore. But now I'm not so keen to. He's brought a passage to mind that has made me stop and think. It is in Hebrews.

"It is for discipline that you endure; God deals with you as with sons; for what son is there whom his father does not discipline? But if you are without discipline, of which all have become partakers, then you are illegitimate children and not sons. Furthermore, we had earthly fathers to discipline us, and we respected them; shall we not much rather be subject to the Father of spirits, and live? For they disciplined us for a short time as seemed best to them, but He disciplines us for our good, so that we may share His holiness. All discipline for the moment seems not to be joyful, but sorrowful; yet to those who have been trained by it, afterwards it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness. 

Therefore, strengthen the hands that are weak and the knees that are feeble, and make straight paths for your feet, so that the limb which is lame may not be put out of joint, but rather be healed." - Hebrews 12:7-13

I find myself now sitting where the current's taken me and realizing God Loves me. He wants me to be more like Christ and is willing to put me through my paces so I do grow. I often fight it and just want to be with Him, want to be made whole, want to be at peace. But He keeps letting me be swept out to sea and come in again, then be swept out to sea and come in again, and be swept out to sea and come back again until I stop and realize what He is doing. He is training me by discipline and if I learn from it, I will gather the "peaceful fruits of righteousness."

Now, don't get me wrong. This hasn't gotten any easier, any more bearable, or any more enjoyable. Far from it. We often like to make large of little things and say that they are God correcting us and that we just have to find joy in them and they will pass or we will learn from them. But I don't think so. That isn't what this is saying. It says it's going to hurt! It says, "All discipline for the moment seems not to be joyful, but sorrowful." Realize that and let it stick with you! Discipline is never supposed to be fun or easy otherwise it loses its sting, its usefulness. Yes, disciple does end in the "peaceful fruit of righteousness", but that's after the discipline is done. Not when we say it's done or we think we've learned what we need to, but when God says it's done. So, take heart! Lean on God and trust that He will carry you through. Not on your time or when you can't stand it any more, but when He has broken you down and readied you to be built back up in the likeness of His Son.

That being said, I could use your prayers. I have a long ways to go with this discipline. And as for me and Alainya, we both could use your prayers. We're still friends and when I get back from Africa the future is still open, but that's the future and we're here now. So pray that we can learn from God's discipline and grow through it closer to God and more like Christ. The tides of both our lives are constantly changing, but God is right there with us and will always be, praise be to God!


Going with the Flow,
Joshua

Breaking Free from the Familiar

Emotions are strange things. They can bring you up from despair or sink you there.

Hope is a strange thing. It can be what makes you wake up and face another tedious day with a smile or what cuts your legs out from under you when it fails.

Desire is a strange thing. It can give you a passion for something or an all consuming obsession.

Faith is a strange thing. It can give you a solid ground to stand on and rely on or what you suddenly fall through as everything around you disintegrates.

I could keep going. Until now my life has always been my own. I had simple desires that couldn't fail, faith in something that couldn't be shaken, only let myself feel emotions I could control, and had only hoped for things within reach and sight. What happens when all that is changed? Well, get ready for a rocky ride!

Have you ever been in a place you are happy or comfortable with, a place where the path forward is known though it might be a little foggy? It's a nice place when you're there. You have certainty. You know what's coming, even if something unexpected pops up you know it will be something you can deal with. That's been my life. Looking back I'm torn that I've lived that way for so long. I've lived confidently plunging ahead into the 'unknown' because I know that the worst thing that could crop up I'd be able to handle.

Something strange happened last year. I looked ahead of me and saw two paths, one was the familiar 'unknown' and the other was completely new and unexplored. I felt God's pull and started down the latter path and trekked through the rough, often obscured, path. All the while I kept trying to get back to the familiar path while staying on this new path. It created a conflict within me I couldn't see then but is so very clear now. You can't have a foot on each path. They diverge permanently and no one can keep a foot on each path unless they are deceiving themselves and blind to the fact they're back to the familiar.

That divergence happened recently, and I was faced with my choice which path I'd truly follow. It's taken weeks for me to understand what is being asked of me. I have taken what feels like a hundred miles of blundering through the jungle of confusion and uncertainty to reach the top of the hill overlooking the divergence of the two paths I've been so skillfully walking on simultaneously. I have had my eyes opened to the fact I have been given the second, final choice which path to pursue...

I've been standing on that hill top for almost a week now, talking with God about what the future of each path holds. He has been remarkably closemouthed about both of them, simply saying that I need to choose what I truly want! The uncertainty has been wrecking me! I have been so used to certainty, even in the unknown I have been remarkably certain of what was coming. But now I was faced with complete uncertainty. God wouldn't tell me if He'd fulfill my newly revived hopes, dreams, passions, and desires if I plunged into the unknown. If He had just given me one, small reassurance that He'd be there with me I could have chosen it in a heartbeat! But that was what He was trying to teach me, to trust Him. I had to choose.

Oh, it was heart-wrenching. I had to let go of everything I am, myself as a writing, a desire for a family, wanting to Love on kids, even my faith that God would carry me through it all. Why did I have to let go of those things, especially the ones which seem part of following Christ? I needed to trust Him fully, not simply trust because I knew I could trust Him but because in spite of not knowing I would choose to place myself completely in His hands.

For me, this entrusting Him with everything I am and not knowing what He'd do with it was the hardest thing I've ever done. The past few weeks have been full of impossibly hard things, but this has surpassed all of them. I, who thrive on knowing, have to know nothing. If you show me how to do something and I then know how to do it, you can trust me to do it with excellence and excitement. That's all I've ever wanted from God, to know what He wants of me so I can tackle it with enthusiasm and excellence! A noble goal, right? But that's not what He wants. He wants us to abandon ourselves to Him so He can mold us, so He can be our strength when we lack the ability or knowledge to accomplish something, and so His light is what shines through, not ourselves.

Just thinking about today makes me thrilled and scared. . .

I am scared.

I am terrified.

I no longer know what God will do. Before, I knew what God would do; I didn't have to trust Him much because I knew what He would do because I knew Him, right? ...yeah...no. I'm now stepping out in action and the only thing I can do is trust God will be there with me; everything is beyond my control from school to my very future.

Trusting has taken on a whole new meaning to me right now. I feel vulnerable right now, stripped of all my own confidence. I feel like I'm walking through a wild country and any moment something could jump out and make me fail a class, which would mean I couldn't graduate in May and thus couldn't leave for Africa! Or maybe I won't even find where in Africa I am supposed to go! I have no control and I am holding on to God like a child with his teddy bear at night as the shadows might hold terrors.

I know it sounds pathetic. it is. I have decided to become pathetic for Jesus. That's the bottom line of it. I am leaving everything I know behind as I step closer to my God.

Now, I'm not saying I am fearful that everything will go wrong, though I would be lying if I said fear isn't a pretty common thing now. But my God is so much bigger! He might not let life work out how I want or am expecting it to, He's already proved that, but I know His plan is beautiful! I caught a glimpse of it as I started down the new, unexplored path. From that brief mountaintop vision I saw some pretty amazing things ahead of me, and I sure you'll see them later on here as I experience them! ;] But now I'm headed into the valley, walking a path where each step is new, unknown, and taken only by faith.

Less than a day on this path feels more refreshing than the past twenty years walking within the bounds of the familiar. This is going to test me to my limits and beyond; I already know that. But I have an infinite God with a beautiful plan ahead of me. Looking back, I think one amazing thing I've learned from the past couple weeks is that hurt heals, pain points us to where we need strength, and loss opens up a space for God to work in.

I would like to engage you right now. Whether you believe in prayer or not, I would appreciate it if you would pray for me. God has amazing things ahead of me as well as terrifying things, and I will need prayer for both. For right now, prayer that God would guide me where to go in South Africa after graduation would be so appreciated!

I am excited.

I am hopeful.

God has shown me how much I leave behind as I start my new journey, but for me that is His way of telling me Has some amazing things I need to make space for! I hope this has helped you see where I'm at right now and maybe encourage you to check out what path you're on. It's easy to be on the path of familiarity and think it's surrender to God; I know. But let me tell you, the sacrifice starts something you've never experienced before; you start the adventure of a lifetime! Quicksand, crazy baboons, losing your way; those are things that will cause you to stumble and fail on the path, but God's bigger than our mistakes and will use our broken, beautiful lives on the grandest adventure!

I'm starting that adventure today, no maps, no predefined end or treasure to find, but a perfectly Loving Guide, a tried and true compass, and companions I am going to trust! Will you join me? Will you join this adventure? Pursue God with everything you are and live with abandon! It's the hardest thing for us as humans to do; I know. I am going to slip up and try to find my way back to the familiar at times and only God's correction will bring me back. Yet, I have hope and faith that without a doubt this is the best choice I could ever make!


Taking the Path Less Traveled,
Joshua

One Push Can Start an Avalanche

What happens when God arrests your life? I fell down on a concrete sidewalk. What happens When God gives you a little push? An avalanche has just started for me

The past two days have been intense. I have been confronted, confused, and challenged in so many ways I feel like my life is getting pulled in every way possible. I wasn't ready for classes the day I walked onto campus, the past week focused on bringing other things to God, and now I feel like I have been spending the past two days to get ready for other things. So, I still am not ready for classes tomorrow.

Tonight stood out though. After a long day of my heart being tugged around by God, I felt Him pull in a very specific way. I rebelled, thinking I would appear creepy or at least strange but not in a good way. I kept going, coming up with an infinite number of reasons for why what I felt pulled to do wasn't right. Everything from I heard Him wrong to I might creep someone out. God kept on pushing, reminding me of everything He had been pouring into me that day until I finally stopped dead in my tracks.

I couldn't go another foot farther. I wanted to just close my mind out to this pull that felt wrong in so many ways! I didn't want it to be right, not because I didn't want it but because it goes against me. It would be stepping outside my comfort zone; it would be denying myself for someone else; and it would be taking what God says both in His words to me and in His Word as just that, His words. I felt myself pulled to my knees as an internal struggles raged. I was unwilling to admit this was God pulling on my heart, wanting it to be just me wanting to do something 'nice' that would end up being weird.

I stayed there on my knees for a few moments. I finally told God I would do this. I stood up and was shaking as I went back. I asked God something very simple, if this was from Him to give me a peace about it.

Breaking thoughts but not topic, I am horrible with words. When put in an awkward situation or a place unfamiliar to me(or sometimes even one familiar) my mind will spin at a million miles an hour attempting to figure out what to say. I struggle with even basically figuring out what to say, even so much as how I will even start talking. I almost never come to what I will say and have to just start saying when I do get there.

Yet, carrying on, as I was going back I felt God's peace. I knew He wanted me to go back. I didn't know how everything would go or if I would find the right words, but I knew God had asked me to and He proved it by putting my fears and worries to rest.

I won't carry on any more, but to summarize what happened I lived out what God has been calling me to the past couple days. I have been wondering how I can be the one to lead when I am seeing how far I have to go, but God showed me a couple things.

One, He can make up for my inability. When I would have carried on, pushing the pestering thoughts eventually out of my mind, He kep them there. When I could have stayed standing and eventually just rolled off as I shut my brain off, He brought me to my knees until I listened.

Two, He has chosen me. The times I think I'm nothing special I am both telling the Gospel truth and Satan's lie. I am nothing special, in and of myself, but God has taken this broken vessel and picked it up, setting it in a place among Kings. He showed me through this that He had decided I, weak, hurting, and knowledgeless me, am part of His plan!

I was humbled and still am. I don't know what will become of what I did. I am hoping it wasn't simply a test by God and that I was used to maybe help someone. But either way I will rejoice in what God did and does do!

I honestly wish I could escape His calling. I would overjoyed to serve Him in a quiet place where I could spend the rest of my life with Him, getting to know Him as I served those around me. But I know that was never His plan. I know He has something far more uncomfortable, painful, and intimate for me than that. He's calling me to all people. First I start here, where He's placed me and what He's put in front of me to do. In the future, it will be to a people I do not know, in a place I have never been, and with a goal He has yet to lay before me.

After tonight I'm excite dto say the least. I know it will be hard and trials will stalk every foot of the way, but I have a faithful God who is and will be taking care of me so I know it's all good! I'm praying, as promised.


Taking My First Steps,
Joshua

When He Asks You for Everything...

This week has seen a growing pile of stuff in the middle room of my home. I have been systematically going through everything I own and giving it to God. Which has meant that everything I don't need has been added to the pile that will either be given away to family and friends or donated. It's been a humbling experience to say the least. I have come across so many things that made me wonder what had made me keep them. But other things have been memories and pieces of myself that I cherish. One of those things has been my sword collection, and for those of you that know me this is something that would take a lot for me to do.

The first night was easy. I gave to God the major parts of my life. I gave Him my writing. I haven't written since, focusing on packing and cleaning out my life. Then I slowly gave away my swords, all but one that isn't in my power to give away. Even my practice sword and bayonets. Then I moved on to something smaller but which takes up a lot of room, my clothes. I went through and honestly asked what clothes I actually use. I got rid of everything I wear once a year or never and put it in the pile.

The whole time I've been asking God to fill what I'm tearing out of my life and replace it with Him. I have heard Him tell me He Loves me. I have heard that He has plans for me. And I have heard that He is working in all of this. But it's taken till today for me to stop long enough to actually listen to Him. I was looking at my Nerf guns and weapons, wondering if I had to give them up too. Not trying to hold on to them, but wondering why I had to let go of something that was used to have fun with others at college and honestly just be myself. That's when I actually heard God speak. Not hear what I expected Him to say, listen to part of what He was saying, or listen to what those around me were telling me about Him. That was when I listened to the God of the universe.

"I'm not asking you to give up your Nerf guns."

I was thrilled. They were the third thing I had heard Him ask me to give up when He had asked for my life. Then I was honestly skeptical and I asked, "Then why did you ask me to give them up?"

"I didn't."

"But I heard you say to give you everything, and that's part of everything."

Well, He didn't answer. He hasn't answered all day. I waited for a while and then put them to the side to figure out who to give them to and continued packing/cleaning. While song searching today I was reminded of a song that had hit me recently but I hadn't hear din a while and I looked up "All You've Ever Wanted" by Casting Crowns. I put it on and went back to cleaning my room. After it ended the first time something told me to put it on loop, so I did. God used that song to open my ears as He spoke again. This time He didn't use words; He put a burden on my heart that made the rest of the evening feel antsy and I couldn't feel peace anywhere. I felt that way until just recently.

As I was reading a book given to me by a friend, I felt Him bring scripture to mind.

Jesus said to him, "If you wish to be complete, go and sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, follow Me." - Matthew 19:21

I started thinking on it and my mind instantly fell into the well trod path i believe most Christians fall into; I thought He was saying to give Him everything and I said, "Exactly! I am giving you everything! Even those Nerf guns, they're yours!" I could feel Him shaking His head; I still wasn't getting it. He then recalled the words of "All You've Ever Wanted" to my mind. The whole thing. I can't explain it fully here, but this section was what He specifically pointed to-

I was chasing healing when I'd been made well

I was fighting battles when You conquered hell

Living free but from a prison cell

Lord, I lay it down today

So I'll stop living off of how I feel

And start standing on Your truth revealed

Jesus is my strength, my shield

And He will never fail me

(‘Cause) All You've ever wanted, all You've ever wanted

All You've ever wanted was my heart

Freedom's arms are open, my chains have all been broken

Relentless love has called me from the start

And all You wanted was my heart

Everything clicked into place and I asked tentatively, "You didn't really want my stuff did you?"

He smiled as I finally got it, "No, I was never asking for your swords, your hobbies , or even your dreams."

"But I know my swords had to go, I know I needed to give my dreams into your hands, and my writing needed to come after you."

"Yes, yes, and yes." At this point I was thoroughly confused and He continued, "But what made you know to do those things?"

I thought about it and realized He'd made the song come to mind for a reason, "It came from my heart. I gave you my heart and from that I wanted everything to be yours."

"Yes!"

"But what about the rich young ruler? You asked him to give everything for you."

"No, remember the next verse?"

But when the young man heard this statement, he went away grieving; for he was one who owned much property. - Matthew 19:22

I thought about it and His wisdom showed me what I have seen and known but missed for so long, "You weren't just asking for Him to give up everything, you were asking for his heart. But his heart was with his possessions and he couldn't give you his heart when it belonged to what he owned."

"\Exactly. When I have your heart I have every part of you. For me to have every part of you to use for my glory, you will have to take a time to turn your heart to me, but I've never asked you to give up on your dreams, your passions, or your desires. Yet, I want them. I want all of you and they are part of you. If you hold them back from me or try to do them on your own, I will have to correct your path, but I want them, not to throw them out, but to make them new!"

Needless to say, when this happened I quickly put the book down and went to share this! I look back and see the irony that I'm reading a book called Out of the Black Shadows and right now God is bringing me out of the shadows both Satan and my own lies have made. He's drawing me closer to Himself!

He has my Nerf guns. He has my dreams. He even has my swords(because now I don't :P ). But none of those individual things matters, all He's ever wanted is my heart. Knowing that, and that He Loves me and has promised to provide, care for, and light my path, gives me a profound sense of peace. Now, when I give Him the different, quirky parts that make me, I know He isn't some aloof, vindictive God that will hold back His blessing until I satisfactorily answer his question of, "Well, how much are you willing to give up for me?" Instead He is blessing me and waiting with arms wide open asking, "When will you give me every part of you that I may make it anew!"

When I picture that, my Father, standing with arms open wide asking me not give up everything for Him but to give my everything to Him, I can't help but feel my heart yearning to just let go of everything and run to Him. As I'm writing this my eyes are dripping; my soul knowing an indescribable Love that sets it on fire with passion for Christ. If you don't know that feeling I urge you with every fiber of my being, stop trying to keep giving things to God, trying to break a cycle of falling into sin or losing sight of God. Give Him your heart, your very being, all of you. And when you give Him your heart, the very center of who you are, everything else will follow.

I know I'll forget this. I am human and I really don't like that fact sometimes, but as I make a practice of letting the one I trust my dreams, desires, and passions with take and remake every aspect of myself, I know He'll be faithful. Faithful to remind me of this post. Faithful to do more than I ask! Faithful to be my God, my Savior, and my Love no matter what I do or how many times I forget. Thank you for reaching out to me, Lord.


Now, My Everything for His Glory!
Joshua

"Come"

It's finally happened. I've been waiting for this a long time. When I was younger, in high school and before, I never wanted to be uncomfortable. I didn't enjoy being pushed out of my comfort zone(that's a whole 'nother can of worms) and I told God something very clearly, "I am not going to the missions field." I was very direct, very logical. If people were to go out to the missions field they would need money and I would happily stay in the states and make the money to send them. Looking back that's probably my first indication of what has just happened.

From there I went through high school with the same idea, planning to either attend a big university and get a engineering degree or join the Navy as a nuclear engineer. Both make good money. I would be financially secure and able to help other reach people. Then I took a different turn. I got sidetracked some might say on a pointless education that won't help me much in the long run, I went after a degree as an author.

The past three years have been some of the most amazing years of my life. The hard times, the times I've seen God move in spectacular ways, and the lessons learned have brought me to where I am now. All the while I didn't want to do missions. I was never raised with a focus on it and I never learned much about it; I just knew that being flung that far from the only things I've ever known would be the hardest, most painful thing I'd ever done. God has a way of proving things like that wrong.

A year ago I met a friend who was and is on fire for missions. Getting to know her showed me what missions really were and it tore down the wall in my heart that I built to keep that passion away from me. But in spite of tearing the wall down, I still didn't know what to do. I am very poor when it comes to figuring things out on my own when it involves something I have no experience or exposure to. But I knew then that I was leaving. I even have a blog post titled "Leaving for Africa" saying how I knew that I was going to go; I just didn't know when or where. Half of that changed last night.

I have been unable to go out on missions because God's never given me the go ahead. That may sound strange to some who've spent their whole lives missionally focused or even in the missions field, but for me it was a new thing and God still wants me to finish where He's put me in the here and now before I go. But last night it finally happened. In the midst of pain, of trying to figure out what God wanted me to do after I finish school now that my life's upside down, I heard Him speak. I heard Him call to me, "Come."

I finally have the go ahead! I finally hear His voice telling me I can leave! I have two semester left of school and then I'm going to go. Where? I feel Africa. Africa's a big place, where? Well, He has yet to show that to me. I'm thinking it will be south Africa, but that's even still up in the air. It could be the Netherlands, Sweden, a remote part of Asia, Australia, or even the Middle East. I don't know where and at this point I don't care! Right now I just care that I get to go!

This hasn't come alone. I am about to rid myself of my ties here. My stuff that I enjoy so much is about to be given or sold away. This week will have a lot of time spent praying over where it will all go so that it gets to the people who will need it or enjoy it the most. This may come as a shocker to those who know me, but I may even be shelving my writing. If God asks me to leave my laptop here or tells me not to spend time writing my stories while I'm over there then it will mean they'll be put away until the time God gives them back to me.

This is scary. I still know nothing about missions. I started searching last night and felt overwhelmed with the options via one organization. I closed my browser and prayed. I am praying now and will be for months to come. He will need to guide me because I know I am woefully inadequate in all of this. I'm asking for help and hoping He supplies it, but I also know God likes His last minute things and may wait for me to rely on Him completely before He gives me anything more than, "Come."

Prayers would be appreciated. This doesn't make anything I'm going through easier but I understand the why now. I see His plan in everything I'm working through, and I hope beyond hope that this pain is for a reason. There are voices saying that this is all just emotions right now and I'm trying to find meaning that will fade like fog as my emotions settle down. I'm fighting back the darkness and the fear, but I know I'm not alone. My Lord is with me and stand beside me. He empowers me and gives me the strength to rise. One thing this has shown me; I am a warrior. But what good is a warrior lounging around home, will I become David sitting home when the army's out fighting? No. God's woken this warrior in the only way I could have been woken up. Battle lines are being drawn up and the next two semesters are the time for me to get my battle gear together and shed what of the world I've picked up so far. Shed my pride, shed the things I like and enjoy, and finally shed myself. Then, I will enter the battle with the right gear and with the right focus; my Lord and King Jesus Christ.


When Sleeping Warriors Rise,
Joshua

When the Music Stops

For the past couple days music has been grating on me, and for me that's a sign something's wrong. I love music! A good song can get my moving to the beat and put a smile on may face. I sing along with the catchy ones and turn my favorites way up. But in the past couple days I've found myself agitatedly surfing through the channels while driving at work for something that doesn't feel like sandpaper as I listen to it. For me, that's a sign something is off. Some part of me is out of whack and it affects the rest of me.

Well, today something happened. I'm not sure if it was one of the hundreds of prayers, simply God's mercy, or, someone else's prayers, but I heard the music again today. On the way to the job site today I was surfing channels and finally turned it off because I just couldn't stand to listen anymore. Finally I got the job and the other guy had the radio on. I sighed inwardly hoping I could tune the sound out and not feel out of whack the whole day. It worked for a while, I got into my job and time started to go by, then I heard the music.

The first song made me literally stop in my tracks. My brush paused mid stroke and I listened. It was the first note that caught my ear and from there I heard the music-

I'm trying to find where my place is 

I'm looking for my own oasis 

So close I can taste this 

The fear that love alone erases 

So I'm back to the basics 

I figure it's time I face this 

Time to take my own advice 

Love alone is worth the fight

I almost dropped my brush at how perfectly that explained how I felt right then and how much the last two lines just hit me full on. "Time to take my own advice, Love alone is worth the fight." It makes me sad how much I forget my own advice, my own foundation. With that song I felt God stand next to me and say, "Do you remember now, why you began all this in the first place? Love alone." Needless to say I had my ear attuned to that radio for what would come next, and something did...

I could go into the next song and take a thousand words to explain how it resonated with me because almost every line spoke to me about something or another. Same deal with this one, from the first note I felt something pulling me and I couldn't help it as I let the music flow through me, but what stood out above all were three parts of the song where it said-

Make me broken

Make me empty

Make me lonely

Lord, please keep making me

Can I say wow? Wow. Huh, guess I can ;] Those four lines, one at the end of each verse, stuck out to me. It's a progression. Broken to empty. Empty to lonely. And lonely to God filling me. But the music didn't stop there...

Those two were followed by a song that refocused me. The last two made me see where I was and opened up the way I needed to go to grow. The whole song was good but what jumped out at me and stuck was one line-

All you ever wanted was my heart

That's it? Yes. He doesn't want my friendships, my games, my money, my time, or anything I do. He wants my heart, because He knows that with my heart comes every part of me. When Christ has my heart, I give Him everything and it's a joy to do so! I realized how much I wanted to give him every part of me, but I was overlooking all of me. So, you'd think He was done, but nope! Another song played a while later that filled everything out.

I have always loved this song. Maybe I should listen to it more often... And while the song is a whole and to adequately explain it I could easily copy and paste the whole song here, I will stick with a couple verses-

We pray for wisdom, Your voice to hear

We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near

We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love

As if every promise from Your word is not enough

And all the while, You hear each desperate plea

And long that we'd have faith to believe

'Cause what if your blessings come through rain drops

What if Your healing comes through tears

What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near

What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

I was crushed at how much I was hurting God and making Him sad as I looked past His promises to the pain the felt all too close to me that I've been holding close by not turning to God for His promises. I know them so well, but I forget them all too often. And that was it. I was pulling out of the job site with a lot to think about and trying to piece things together. I hopped in my car and started driving. I had barely turned onto the expressway when my hand unconsciously strayed to the radio. i turned on the music and the first note to hit my ear had me bouncing in my seat with pure joy. I enjoyed every moment of the song until the last couple verses and realized that this song wasn't just me finding music again, but God saying one, final thing-

Still wondering why I'm here

Still wrestling with my fear

But oh, He's up to something

And the farther on I go

I've seen enough to know

That I'm, not here for nothing

He's up to something

So now's my time to be a man

Follow my heart as far as I can

No telling where I'm ending up tonight

I never slow down or so it seems

But singing my heart it's one of my dreams

All I gotta do is hold on tight

The whole song is one I resonate with and feel like it's a story about my life, but this part could have been cut out and laid out in front of me and it would be the exact steps I know are ahead of me right now. I am wrestling with fear right now, but I choose to hope despite the pain of it, the fear of it, and uncertainty of it.

That got me back home, well that and twenty other songs that I was finally able to enjoy again! I know now that something back in place, my heart. And because of that I'm excited to see where He takes me, because He's not finished with me yet.


My Heart Once Again Tuning into God,
Joshua