When He Asks You for Everything...

This week has seen a growing pile of stuff in the middle room of my home. I have been systematically going through everything I own and giving it to God. Which has meant that everything I don't need has been added to the pile that will either be given away to family and friends or donated. It's been a humbling experience to say the least. I have come across so many things that made me wonder what had made me keep them. But other things have been memories and pieces of myself that I cherish. One of those things has been my sword collection, and for those of you that know me this is something that would take a lot for me to do.

The first night was easy. I gave to God the major parts of my life. I gave Him my writing. I haven't written since, focusing on packing and cleaning out my life. Then I slowly gave away my swords, all but one that isn't in my power to give away. Even my practice sword and bayonets. Then I moved on to something smaller but which takes up a lot of room, my clothes. I went through and honestly asked what clothes I actually use. I got rid of everything I wear once a year or never and put it in the pile.

The whole time I've been asking God to fill what I'm tearing out of my life and replace it with Him. I have heard Him tell me He Loves me. I have heard that He has plans for me. And I have heard that He is working in all of this. But it's taken till today for me to stop long enough to actually listen to Him. I was looking at my Nerf guns and weapons, wondering if I had to give them up too. Not trying to hold on to them, but wondering why I had to let go of something that was used to have fun with others at college and honestly just be myself. That's when I actually heard God speak. Not hear what I expected Him to say, listen to part of what He was saying, or listen to what those around me were telling me about Him. That was when I listened to the God of the universe.

"I'm not asking you to give up your Nerf guns."

I was thrilled. They were the third thing I had heard Him ask me to give up when He had asked for my life. Then I was honestly skeptical and I asked, "Then why did you ask me to give them up?"

"I didn't."

"But I heard you say to give you everything, and that's part of everything."

Well, He didn't answer. He hasn't answered all day. I waited for a while and then put them to the side to figure out who to give them to and continued packing/cleaning. While song searching today I was reminded of a song that had hit me recently but I hadn't hear din a while and I looked up "All You've Ever Wanted" by Casting Crowns. I put it on and went back to cleaning my room. After it ended the first time something told me to put it on loop, so I did. God used that song to open my ears as He spoke again. This time He didn't use words; He put a burden on my heart that made the rest of the evening feel antsy and I couldn't feel peace anywhere. I felt that way until just recently.

As I was reading a book given to me by a friend, I felt Him bring scripture to mind.

Jesus said to him, "If you wish to be complete, go and sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, follow Me." - Matthew 19:21

I started thinking on it and my mind instantly fell into the well trod path i believe most Christians fall into; I thought He was saying to give Him everything and I said, "Exactly! I am giving you everything! Even those Nerf guns, they're yours!" I could feel Him shaking His head; I still wasn't getting it. He then recalled the words of "All You've Ever Wanted" to my mind. The whole thing. I can't explain it fully here, but this section was what He specifically pointed to-

I was chasing healing when I'd been made well

I was fighting battles when You conquered hell

Living free but from a prison cell

Lord, I lay it down today

So I'll stop living off of how I feel

And start standing on Your truth revealed

Jesus is my strength, my shield

And He will never fail me

(‘Cause) All You've ever wanted, all You've ever wanted

All You've ever wanted was my heart

Freedom's arms are open, my chains have all been broken

Relentless love has called me from the start

And all You wanted was my heart

Everything clicked into place and I asked tentatively, "You didn't really want my stuff did you?"

He smiled as I finally got it, "No, I was never asking for your swords, your hobbies , or even your dreams."

"But I know my swords had to go, I know I needed to give my dreams into your hands, and my writing needed to come after you."

"Yes, yes, and yes." At this point I was thoroughly confused and He continued, "But what made you know to do those things?"

I thought about it and realized He'd made the song come to mind for a reason, "It came from my heart. I gave you my heart and from that I wanted everything to be yours."

"Yes!"

"But what about the rich young ruler? You asked him to give everything for you."

"No, remember the next verse?"

But when the young man heard this statement, he went away grieving; for he was one who owned much property. - Matthew 19:22

I thought about it and His wisdom showed me what I have seen and known but missed for so long, "You weren't just asking for Him to give up everything, you were asking for his heart. But his heart was with his possessions and he couldn't give you his heart when it belonged to what he owned."

"\Exactly. When I have your heart I have every part of you. For me to have every part of you to use for my glory, you will have to take a time to turn your heart to me, but I've never asked you to give up on your dreams, your passions, or your desires. Yet, I want them. I want all of you and they are part of you. If you hold them back from me or try to do them on your own, I will have to correct your path, but I want them, not to throw them out, but to make them new!"

Needless to say, when this happened I quickly put the book down and went to share this! I look back and see the irony that I'm reading a book called Out of the Black Shadows and right now God is bringing me out of the shadows both Satan and my own lies have made. He's drawing me closer to Himself!

He has my Nerf guns. He has my dreams. He even has my swords(because now I don't :P ). But none of those individual things matters, all He's ever wanted is my heart. Knowing that, and that He Loves me and has promised to provide, care for, and light my path, gives me a profound sense of peace. Now, when I give Him the different, quirky parts that make me, I know He isn't some aloof, vindictive God that will hold back His blessing until I satisfactorily answer his question of, "Well, how much are you willing to give up for me?" Instead He is blessing me and waiting with arms wide open asking, "When will you give me every part of you that I may make it anew!"

When I picture that, my Father, standing with arms open wide asking me not give up everything for Him but to give my everything to Him, I can't help but feel my heart yearning to just let go of everything and run to Him. As I'm writing this my eyes are dripping; my soul knowing an indescribable Love that sets it on fire with passion for Christ. If you don't know that feeling I urge you with every fiber of my being, stop trying to keep giving things to God, trying to break a cycle of falling into sin or losing sight of God. Give Him your heart, your very being, all of you. And when you give Him your heart, the very center of who you are, everything else will follow.

I know I'll forget this. I am human and I really don't like that fact sometimes, but as I make a practice of letting the one I trust my dreams, desires, and passions with take and remake every aspect of myself, I know He'll be faithful. Faithful to remind me of this post. Faithful to do more than I ask! Faithful to be my God, my Savior, and my Love no matter what I do or how many times I forget. Thank you for reaching out to me, Lord.


Now, My Everything for His Glory!
Joshua

"Come"

It's finally happened. I've been waiting for this a long time. When I was younger, in high school and before, I never wanted to be uncomfortable. I didn't enjoy being pushed out of my comfort zone(that's a whole 'nother can of worms) and I told God something very clearly, "I am not going to the missions field." I was very direct, very logical. If people were to go out to the missions field they would need money and I would happily stay in the states and make the money to send them. Looking back that's probably my first indication of what has just happened.

From there I went through high school with the same idea, planning to either attend a big university and get a engineering degree or join the Navy as a nuclear engineer. Both make good money. I would be financially secure and able to help other reach people. Then I took a different turn. I got sidetracked some might say on a pointless education that won't help me much in the long run, I went after a degree as an author.

The past three years have been some of the most amazing years of my life. The hard times, the times I've seen God move in spectacular ways, and the lessons learned have brought me to where I am now. All the while I didn't want to do missions. I was never raised with a focus on it and I never learned much about it; I just knew that being flung that far from the only things I've ever known would be the hardest, most painful thing I'd ever done. God has a way of proving things like that wrong.

A year ago I met a friend who was and is on fire for missions. Getting to know her showed me what missions really were and it tore down the wall in my heart that I built to keep that passion away from me. But in spite of tearing the wall down, I still didn't know what to do. I am very poor when it comes to figuring things out on my own when it involves something I have no experience or exposure to. But I knew then that I was leaving. I even have a blog post titled "Leaving for Africa" saying how I knew that I was going to go; I just didn't know when or where. Half of that changed last night.

I have been unable to go out on missions because God's never given me the go ahead. That may sound strange to some who've spent their whole lives missionally focused or even in the missions field, but for me it was a new thing and God still wants me to finish where He's put me in the here and now before I go. But last night it finally happened. In the midst of pain, of trying to figure out what God wanted me to do after I finish school now that my life's upside down, I heard Him speak. I heard Him call to me, "Come."

I finally have the go ahead! I finally hear His voice telling me I can leave! I have two semester left of school and then I'm going to go. Where? I feel Africa. Africa's a big place, where? Well, He has yet to show that to me. I'm thinking it will be south Africa, but that's even still up in the air. It could be the Netherlands, Sweden, a remote part of Asia, Australia, or even the Middle East. I don't know where and at this point I don't care! Right now I just care that I get to go!

This hasn't come alone. I am about to rid myself of my ties here. My stuff that I enjoy so much is about to be given or sold away. This week will have a lot of time spent praying over where it will all go so that it gets to the people who will need it or enjoy it the most. This may come as a shocker to those who know me, but I may even be shelving my writing. If God asks me to leave my laptop here or tells me not to spend time writing my stories while I'm over there then it will mean they'll be put away until the time God gives them back to me.

This is scary. I still know nothing about missions. I started searching last night and felt overwhelmed with the options via one organization. I closed my browser and prayed. I am praying now and will be for months to come. He will need to guide me because I know I am woefully inadequate in all of this. I'm asking for help and hoping He supplies it, but I also know God likes His last minute things and may wait for me to rely on Him completely before He gives me anything more than, "Come."

Prayers would be appreciated. This doesn't make anything I'm going through easier but I understand the why now. I see His plan in everything I'm working through, and I hope beyond hope that this pain is for a reason. There are voices saying that this is all just emotions right now and I'm trying to find meaning that will fade like fog as my emotions settle down. I'm fighting back the darkness and the fear, but I know I'm not alone. My Lord is with me and stand beside me. He empowers me and gives me the strength to rise. One thing this has shown me; I am a warrior. But what good is a warrior lounging around home, will I become David sitting home when the army's out fighting? No. God's woken this warrior in the only way I could have been woken up. Battle lines are being drawn up and the next two semesters are the time for me to get my battle gear together and shed what of the world I've picked up so far. Shed my pride, shed the things I like and enjoy, and finally shed myself. Then, I will enter the battle with the right gear and with the right focus; my Lord and King Jesus Christ.


When Sleeping Warriors Rise,
Joshua

When the Music Stops

For the past couple days music has been grating on me, and for me that's a sign something's wrong. I love music! A good song can get my moving to the beat and put a smile on may face. I sing along with the catchy ones and turn my favorites way up. But in the past couple days I've found myself agitatedly surfing through the channels while driving at work for something that doesn't feel like sandpaper as I listen to it. For me, that's a sign something is off. Some part of me is out of whack and it affects the rest of me.

Well, today something happened. I'm not sure if it was one of the hundreds of prayers, simply God's mercy, or, someone else's prayers, but I heard the music again today. On the way to the job site today I was surfing channels and finally turned it off because I just couldn't stand to listen anymore. Finally I got the job and the other guy had the radio on. I sighed inwardly hoping I could tune the sound out and not feel out of whack the whole day. It worked for a while, I got into my job and time started to go by, then I heard the music.

The first song made me literally stop in my tracks. My brush paused mid stroke and I listened. It was the first note that caught my ear and from there I heard the music-

I'm trying to find where my place is 

I'm looking for my own oasis 

So close I can taste this 

The fear that love alone erases 

So I'm back to the basics 

I figure it's time I face this 

Time to take my own advice 

Love alone is worth the fight

I almost dropped my brush at how perfectly that explained how I felt right then and how much the last two lines just hit me full on. "Time to take my own advice, Love alone is worth the fight." It makes me sad how much I forget my own advice, my own foundation. With that song I felt God stand next to me and say, "Do you remember now, why you began all this in the first place? Love alone." Needless to say I had my ear attuned to that radio for what would come next, and something did...

I could go into the next song and take a thousand words to explain how it resonated with me because almost every line spoke to me about something or another. Same deal with this one, from the first note I felt something pulling me and I couldn't help it as I let the music flow through me, but what stood out above all were three parts of the song where it said-

Make me broken

Make me empty

Make me lonely

Lord, please keep making me

Can I say wow? Wow. Huh, guess I can ;] Those four lines, one at the end of each verse, stuck out to me. It's a progression. Broken to empty. Empty to lonely. And lonely to God filling me. But the music didn't stop there...

Those two were followed by a song that refocused me. The last two made me see where I was and opened up the way I needed to go to grow. The whole song was good but what jumped out at me and stuck was one line-

All you ever wanted was my heart

That's it? Yes. He doesn't want my friendships, my games, my money, my time, or anything I do. He wants my heart, because He knows that with my heart comes every part of me. When Christ has my heart, I give Him everything and it's a joy to do so! I realized how much I wanted to give him every part of me, but I was overlooking all of me. So, you'd think He was done, but nope! Another song played a while later that filled everything out.

I have always loved this song. Maybe I should listen to it more often... And while the song is a whole and to adequately explain it I could easily copy and paste the whole song here, I will stick with a couple verses-

We pray for wisdom, Your voice to hear

We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near

We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love

As if every promise from Your word is not enough

And all the while, You hear each desperate plea

And long that we'd have faith to believe

'Cause what if your blessings come through rain drops

What if Your healing comes through tears

What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near

What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

I was crushed at how much I was hurting God and making Him sad as I looked past His promises to the pain the felt all too close to me that I've been holding close by not turning to God for His promises. I know them so well, but I forget them all too often. And that was it. I was pulling out of the job site with a lot to think about and trying to piece things together. I hopped in my car and started driving. I had barely turned onto the expressway when my hand unconsciously strayed to the radio. i turned on the music and the first note to hit my ear had me bouncing in my seat with pure joy. I enjoyed every moment of the song until the last couple verses and realized that this song wasn't just me finding music again, but God saying one, final thing-

Still wondering why I'm here

Still wrestling with my fear

But oh, He's up to something

And the farther on I go

I've seen enough to know

That I'm, not here for nothing

He's up to something

So now's my time to be a man

Follow my heart as far as I can

No telling where I'm ending up tonight

I never slow down or so it seems

But singing my heart it's one of my dreams

All I gotta do is hold on tight

The whole song is one I resonate with and feel like it's a story about my life, but this part could have been cut out and laid out in front of me and it would be the exact steps I know are ahead of me right now. I am wrestling with fear right now, but I choose to hope despite the pain of it, the fear of it, and uncertainty of it.

That got me back home, well that and twenty other songs that I was finally able to enjoy again! I know now that something back in place, my heart. And because of that I'm excited to see where He takes me, because He's not finished with me yet.


My Heart Once Again Tuning into God,
Joshua

Finding The One

Most of you know me at least a little and the fact that I tend to break norms and am not a huge fan of what is popular in culture is often how I am and it can even get a little frustrating at times I'm sure. Well, I always thought that if something was popular in culture that it was suspicious. I'm not sure why. But I tend to question practices, eschew norms, and flat out disagree about certain issues. But that is just background for what's been on my mind the past week.

So, during my quiet times I've been reading through the minor prophets a lot and one thing has stuck out to me, the fact that what's popular is usually what's wrong. So many times in Israel, God's chosen nation even, the people fall into thinking that something is acceptable or that a particular practice is how it's supposed to be. Then a prophet comes along and God informs them that His people need to come back to Him. They are usually following idols, sacrificing children, or trusting in other nations to save them. No big deal, right? I mean every other nation around them is doing it so it has to be right...or not.

Thus, during the past week, I've been seeing more and more how relevant that is. We as Christians in America tend to take our social cues, ways of looking at life, and many of our ideas from the culture around us. What is taken as true by most Americans is true for us, as long as it doesn't contradict scripture of course. Right? Wrong.

The radio was on at work the other day and it was playing some pop music station and a song came on about 'the one' and finding 'the one' or finally marrying them. The song barely registered in my conscious as painted but when it was almost over everything clicked into place. Popular culture says that we are all waiting for our 'one.' The handsome guy who will sweep you off your feet and is your prince charming. The special girl who is like no other and has been waiting for you her whole life.

Red flag. My mind remembered back to the minor prophets and started practicing my negative capabilities. I ran the concept of 'the one' through the Word of God and came up blank. Zip, zero, nadda. I couldn't think of any time God said that He had picked out a special someone for everyone. He never said that if we didn't find the right person everything would go wrong or we'd have a terrible life. Actually not even close. The only time He even gets close to 'the one' is when He's talking about already married couples, because they become one and should never be separated.

So, I started thinking about what God does say. As a guy my mind went to a wife. Today I just read Proverbs 31 and so what leaped across my mind was the last couple verses where it says,

"...But a woman who fears the Lord, she shall be praised. Give her the product of her hands, and let her works praise her in the gates."

Pretty simple, a woman who fears the Lord is the end of a whole chapter describing the perfect wife. That one trait, not being 'the one' but fearing God is what makes the best wife. Now, I know that the same thing is true about a man. It isn't whether he is good looking, suave, or rich, but whether or not he fears God.

Now I'm not saying someone can't be more compatible with one person that with a different person, but what really matters is not compatibility or being 'the one' but whether or not they fear God. Because I believe from that fear of God will come humility, patience, kindness, and everything else that will make a marriage work, no matter how different the two may be.

So, that has been on my mind the past week and wanted to get it off my shoulders. I used to be looking for 'the one', but then I realized God can do anything and can make anyone the one person I am going to marry. That freed me from trying to figure out who was my needle in the haystack and focus instead on Loving those around me and caring for the hurting and the needy. And you know, when I did that something amazing happened, but that's a story for another time ;]


Remembering God is the Only One,
Joshua

Dreams: Lost, Found, and Feared

It's amazing how a song can capture how you're feeling at times. I am struggling right now. Sometimes I wonder how much instagram kills my joy. Wow, three completely disjointed sentences, but they are what I'm feeling right now. Maybe that's part of it, why I'm not feeling so good right now, that things are disjointed. Just a shower of problems or fears that doesn't go together but just rains on me.

To start, I think the idea of instagram is far more dangerous than I've ever thought before. I was on facebook and kept scrolling past awesome pictures of friends and complete strangers smiling and doing exciting things. That's all I see every day as I scroll on facebook is the smiling faces of people enjoying life, and they're edited to look so nice and perfect. Well, at times I look at my life and wonder why my life isn't like that. Now, when I actually think about it I realize that nobody's life is like that every day and those pictures are probably just a good moment among many bad ones, but sometimes I forget that and today was one of those days.

So, today has been a rough ride, trying to figure out life. Looking to the future and what am I expecting to do and what I'm hoping will happen has been full of unknowns. I've had dreams and lost them a long time ago. I went on for the longest time without dreams, figuring living life as it comes means you can enjoy it even if it takes a bad turn because you are excited for what is happening instead of what you're hoping will happen. Then I found my dreams.

Gradually I have opened the dust covered box I stuffed my dreams in so long ago and have been remembering and finding them one by one since. So, when I look at my life and don't see how it could ever get to what my dreams are is...not something I can put to words. It's hard to be disappointed when your expectations are to do your absolute best in the moment you're in and with what you have been given. Once I looked ahead, planned ahead, and set a bar that I hope for the possibility of failing can be shattering.

So, I get to writing tonight and start listening to music. I play song after song and it's just background sound for what I am putting down in black and white. Then, one stands out. It was one I'd played several times already and hadn't hadn't hear what was said till then. I think it was partly that I process life as I write, my experiences, struggles, and hopes working their way out as I write. So, when I had sufficiently processed my day I heard the line, "Hope is our four letter word." It stopped me in my tracks. For those of you that don't know, the term 'four letter word' is a euphemism for sayings something's a swear word.

That resonated throughout me and I couldn't get it out of my head, "hope is our four letter word." I kept writing for a few minutes and then stopped and opened this post, knowing it was time to share what was on my mind. Right now hope to me is something disgusting, a swear word. And the irony is that it's made even more personal because I try my very best not to swear and never have; I also believe hope is essential to life and have likely encouraged people to hope or told them they need it. So, that hope has become a swear word to me now says so much, that so many things are wrong right now.

I believe strongly that to fight an enemy you have to know who or what it is and now I can put my finger on the problem. Now I'm trying to work through it, bringing it before God and asking Him about it. He has been talking but right now I can't understand Him, I can't hear Him...and that's another unusual thing for me that makes me wonder what's wrong right now. So, combine that with Ecclesiastes and trying to figure out what I'm worth and it's pretty close to what life's like right now.

Wow, I will never cease to be amazed at how much it helps to say it, bring it out into the light and see the enemy's face. I'm not feeling as bad as I was this morning or through the afternoon, praise God. But there's still a lot to work through. However, I am honestly happy I am struggling with this right now because I know when it's all over that I will be more mature and closer to God because I had to go through it. And that's half the battle right now, being thankful for the problems He's put in my way. But I'll say this, it's been as I'm writing these very words that my joy has returned and a smile has crossed my face as I think about my savior and how He works the bad into my good.

Now I just have to learn that my need to write about things to work them out isn't a curse but how God made me. Once I get over the fact I feel like a failure whenever I simply can't explain to most people what's wrong or what I'm going through, then I believe I will be closer to who God's made me to be. Remembering he made me and made me special is something I think I will always struggle with and thus means I'm always working on doing better! So long for now, time for me to get back to writing my book ;]


Seeing the Enemy for Who He is and Taking Steps to Fight Back,
Joshua

Seeing the Face of Jesus

Today I had a song running through my head, and no matter what I couldn't seem to get it out. The song is Jesus in Disguise by Brandon Heath. All day the line from the song that is the title replayed over and over. Finally I decided to stop and think about it. I couldn't remember what the rest of the song was about, just that line. And so I thought about that line and what came to mind was how do we look for Jesus? We long to see him, people ask why he doesn't appear to them in person, and some have always asked him to.

The next thing that crossed my mind was how I, and I'm sure many others, see those around us and those who are different than us. We look at them with contempt, condemnation, or criticism. Then into my head came how Jesus talked about when we serve the least of these we serve Him. I couldn't help but think that I consider myself blessed and rich because I have Christ. And anyone without Him I believe is missing something special and amazing. So, as I judge those around me, I am looking at Jesus and passing by Him.

Then the words of the song came back into my memory. Jesus in disguise. Jesus never disguised himself, he told us we are his representatives and when we help the least of these we help him. He was bold in telling us where he would be, as Jesus always was.

It was then I realized who it was the was putting Jesus in disguise. It was me. Every time I judge someone, look past them thinking they'll never change, or match someone fire for fire or anger for anger I am putting a disguise on Jesus. I am covering up His life in me with the disguise of this world. Jesus is on disguise everywhere; everywhere there is one of His children that won't humble themselves or chooses to follow those around them, Jesus is in disguise.

I am the most guilty of this. I do it every day and sometimes don't think twice. Though maybe it's even worse when I do think twice. I need to take the disguise off Jesus so His light can shine through, so He can reach out to those around me, so I can start being who I am called to be. I need to humble myself and focus on Jesus. Time to change it form Jesus in Disguise to Jesus is My Life.


Taking off my disguise,
Joshua

The Little Things in Life

The past couple days have been really rough with Alainya being gone. I have had a lot of free time and when I think of something to do I realize I can't do it with her and I won't be able to for a very long time. It's at times like that I turn to God and ask for His comfort, His peace, and His Spirit in me.

In all honesty it's the little things that make all the difference in life, and I am finding that out more and more. For one, I miss being able to share the simple, little parts of life with someone else who I always knew would listen and maybe even smile, laugh, or share something in return. I always thought I'd miss seeing her the most, maybe miss he hugs the most, or miss talking with her the most. But, in truth, I miss sharing the small things in life the most.

Well, while that may sound very disheartening, it's not all like that. There are places where God uses the little things to remind me of her, make me feel like she's there in some small way, or bring back to mind why I Love her. Today in church I was singing and the Slakes come in. I watch as Benjamin walks in and as soon as he sees me he takes off running to me and says, "Jua," as only Benjamin does with his childlike excitement. I smiled a big smile and said hi and gave him a kiss on the head. He stood next to me for a bit before going to sit with his dad.

And, for the moment he was there, I felt Alainya next to me. It was a small thing, Benjamin excited to see me, but it reminded me of Alainya and made me feel like she was there. It was the moment tonight, when I looked at the western horizon and saw the clouds highlighted in a soft, rosy glow that I remembered the love we both have of watching and enjoying sunsets.

It's always been the little thing in life and I'm sure it will continue to be the little things of life that make it so special to me. God's speaking to me through it all, trying to remind me of the little things about Him I Love and calling to long for Him more and more. And, though this is hard and some days are going to be rough getting through no matter what, He is looking out for me and it is all the little things in life that point me again and again to that fact. Thank you, Jesus, for taking the time with this broken man to show him the little things in life he misses far too often.


Learning from God in the little things,
Joshua