My Power Status: Depleted ~ God's Power Status: Coming Online

I sit down in front of my computer and decide I have a post to write.  But what to write about, how I'm feeling?  Too messy.  What I'm struggling with?  Too little time to go into enough detail to make it feel like I'm not skimming them.  How God's been working in my life?  (see previous answer)  What God's been revealing to me?  Has potential, but right now I'm kinda drowning in what He's teaching me, will get back to you when I can breath again.  What's left?  Well I can go through list after list of things to write on and each falls woefully short of the thing that tops the list, glorifying my God.

When I ask what can I write about that glorifies God I run into a wall.  How am I supposed to do something that brings glory to the God of the universe?  How am I supposed to lift up someone who is infinitely better than I am?  How am I supposed to do anything as a broken person?  However, that's the beauty of the God I serve; He uses the week and broken things of this world to bring Him glory.  I'm still kinda unsure how my life brings Him glory, but He said in 2 Corinthians 12:9-10:

9 And He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is perfected in weakness.” Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. 10 Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ’s sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong.

This summer has been a summer of one weakness after another.  I have not felt strong this summer, I have not felt confident this summer, and I have not felt like I'm making an impact this summer.  Yet perhaps that's how it's supposed to be, if I feel like I'M making an impact then I far too often sideline God and work in my own power.  But I am finding a comfort in my weakness and a security in my failures for I know that "when I am weak, then I strong."  My own strength is passing and negligible, but God's strength is everlasting and bottomless.  And that is something I can rest in in the days, weeks, and even years to come.


Switching Where My Strongth Comes From,
Joshua

InJustince: God in Me

Well I've dug a hole for myself.  In the past several months I have been struggling with some things that I've finally been able to put behind me for now and I've been wondering what I have to work on next.  I've asked God to show me what I need to change in myself, and, now that He's show me, I almost want to take my request back.

My next big struggle is my right to justice.  To me justice is important, if I see injustice I want to stop it and if someone is being treated unfairly I want to put a stop to it.  And there's nothing wrong with this attitude, justice, righteousness, and compassion are all things God wants us to grow in our lives, but my desire for personal justice is where the struggle starts.  I am very adamant about being heard out in a problem or situation where I've been found at fault.  When I get blamed and I'm only sixty percent to blame I will make sure that I'm only blamed sixty percent and that the other forty percent is applied to the right person.  I do this because I hate being wrongly accused, it makes me feel put down and overlooked.  And all that is now my current struggle.

This started this past week I was accused of something I felt I wasn't to blame at all, but I took the reprimand without saying a word and then carried on.  Afterwards I felt terrible, I hadn't been able to defend myself and I took the brunt of the blame that wasn't even my fault.  This was the first indication God sent me that this was about to become my next battlefield.  The next was when I accidentally hurt someone else because I felt wronged.  This still weighs on me because it would have never happened if I'd simply turned the other cheek and given it to God.  Then, finally, what opened my eyes to this was my devotions today.  As I read about Matthew 5:39, "I tell you not to resist an evil person.  But whoever slaps you on your right cheek, turn the other to him also," God convicted me and I entered the battlefield.

Today's devotion went off this passage and kept getting harder until, by the end, it hit me the hardest, "We are always looking for justice, yet the essence of the teaching of the Sermon on the Mount is-Never look for justice, but never cease to give it."  I got the end and just sat there going, "God, you can't be serious.  This is completely opposite of how I see things, if I give others justice shouldn't I get it in return?"  Yet He was completely serious and I'm now faced with possibly the hardest thing for me to do, change how I respond when hurt and still seek justice for those around me.

This is already rubbing me the wrong way and only the wise words of Oswald Chambers keep me pointed in the right direction, "Every time I insist on having my own rights, I hurt the Son of God, while in fact I can prevent Jesus from being hurt if I will take the blow myself."  Strong words for a strong topic, putting aside my own desires and taking up my cross for Christ.

I could honestly quote the whole devotion for today and every part of it I'm going to struggle with; yet, that just points out just how crucial this is for me to learn and how much I need to change this part of me.  It isn't going to be easy, and it will likely take a long time before I can finally put this struggle behind me, with plenty of failures between now and then.


Learning to Seek Others' Justice, Forgetting My Own,
Joshua

How Will I Get Where I'm Going?

After a week like this I'm left wondering two things, where I'm going in this life and how I'm gonna get there.  I've always enjoyed writing and I do honestly believe God's called me to it and gifted me with it, but over the past month He's been asking me one intolerably impossible question to ignore.  Will you leave everything you've worked for and go somewhere else if I call you?

This isn't something I want to think about, I'm perfectly fine right now pursuing a career to write about God and spread His word through my words and stories.  I don't want to leave the first place I've found purpose in life to go somewhere completely foreign to me.  I'm tired of change and uncertainty.  Yet my life isn't about me.  I've tried that before and I ended up in a whirlpool of frustration, sinking beneath the waves of depression.  So why do I stay so fixed on myself when I know where that leads, because the familiar pulls on me with the strength that only my fallen humanity can.  This is my struggle, and many others' as well, keeping God as the primary focus of my life and His plan for my life as my sole objective.

So where is my life going?  I know it is going all for Jesus Christ.  How am I gonna get there?  I honestly don't know.

For I know the plans that I have for you,’ declares the Lord,

‘plans for welfare and not for calamity

to give you a future and a hope.

Jeremiah 29:11

I still don't know what's in store for me but I'm becoming more and more alright with that prospect and the thought that, no matter the how, God has my way planned out.

Daily Finding Out the 'How',

Joshua

Dating: What's the Point?

What have I been faced with a lot recently and find myself wondering about?  Dating.  Say that word and you will get an incredibly diverse response from whoever you're talking to, ranging from shrugging it off as an everyday occurrence to outright opposition to it.  Now there are so many blogs, articles, and papers about the topic from probably every vantage point possible that this isn't a researched or well-planned post, it is just my opinions on the subject.  Now first off I'd like to say that I've never dated anyone, and though I don't have the personal experience,  I've seen people around me go through dating relationships with success, failure, and everything in between.

One of the biggest arguments when it comes to dating is whether or not it's Biblical.  I've heard it roundly debunked for being unBiblical and that courtship is the only way to go, and I've also heard a version of dating that are Biblically "okay".  Yet both of these are wrong, because they bring dating into sole focus trying to determine whether or not it's "good", "right", or "Biblical", but that just undercuts God's place in the relationship, putting the relationship itself in the center focus instead of God.  This, I feel, is the main problem with dating, or most relationships, these days.  We put whether or not dating is right or if we are doing it in a way that pleases God before whether or not we pursue God.  This is the start of the slide that is oft times part of dating, putting your relationship before God in one way or another.  However, this has become normative in relationships and if you put someone or something before the person you're dating then you'll be bound to break up.  Yet that's how it has to be, if God's not your focus when dating someone it's really easy to lose the focus on them and let yourself slip into the focus of the relationship.  When this happens it isn't necessarily a sudden occurrence or a seemingly bad occurrence; it is a slight change in what you want from the relationship and a slight change in how you approach it every day.  Also this tendency to place the other person as the focus of the relationship tends to bring the heart into play in a way that can end up hurting one or both people even if they stay together.

Now I say all that as kind of a forewarning, a prerequisite to my opinions as it were.  Because sometimes there are things you need to know about how something can go bad before you can look at how it can work.

Now the first thing I have to say about dating in my opinion is what the focus needs to be.  For most people, if not all people, the focus is getting to know the other person and usually seeing if that person would be compatible with you for the rest of your life.  While that isn't an innately bad thing, if it turns out you aren't compatible then the hurt that can follow is bad.  For me the focus of a dating relationship would be to grow the other person spiritually and lead them closer to Christ.  A instant rebuttal for that would be that you're not going to get to know them or if you would be compatible if you are only focused on getting them closer to God, and I would disagree.  When you invest in someone in such a way as to grow them spiritually, you'll see them at their worst and what parts of them that need to change for them to become more like Christ.  I'll be honest, you aren't gonna get more real than that, and you'd be hard pressed to find a way to see if you are compatible with someone than for each of you to see each other at their worst, at their most broken.
This focus on God changes the dating relationship from one with a goal that is whether or not you want to stay with the person for life, which can end in pain and hurt, to growing them in Christ, which ends in edifying each other.  And the beauty of placing God as the center and the goal is that if one or the other decides to end the relationship then you can rest in the confidence that God has something better in store for them.  While this might not make a break-up easier persay, it also lets you rest in the knowledge that God has something better in store for you also.
Lastly, it doesn't end there.  When you get married it continues; you start to work together even closer to point each other towards Christ and a closer walk with Him.  While the difference between marriage and dating are huge, they share the same goal and that's what gives them their power.  Because whenever you forsake your own desires to help someone else and to put them before yourself something amazing happens; you show them Love.  And while it's the most thrown around word, it's the least shown action.

Well this has been my thoughts on dating.  It hasn't been comprehensive and, again, it is just my thoughts on the subject.  My views on it might change in the future as I get into my first relationship and experience this firsthand, but from what little I do know this is where I stand.


Waiting to Lead,
Joshua

The Corner of God's Will and My Plans

In what I'm doing, where do my own plans end and God's will begin?

That's a question I've been wrestling with recently.  I've been confronted by it many times in the past couple months as my own plans seem to be on shifting ground.  I wonder how much of what I'm pursuing is God's will and how much of it is my own ideas and plans.  This was brought to the forefront of my mind this morning through the words of Oswald Chambers.  "And yet the only thing that will keep us from even the possibility of worrying is to bring God in as the greatest factor in all of our planning."

My question arises, "When are my plans my plans, and when are my plans God's plans?"  Simply put, when is what I'm trying to do my own idea and when is it God's idea?  Is what I'm doing right now only my plan or God's will for me that I'm following.  Right now I'm questioning this.  Not so much questioning what I'm doing, I still feel like I'm where I'm supposed to be, but question why am I choosing what I'm choosing.  Is it because I get a feeling that it's what God wants or is it because I'm letting Him lead me where He wants?

Well I guess it's time to step back and take a look, sitting in the driver's seat is quite often a horrible way to figure out what's driving you.  Bad puns aside, to examine my motives I have to step back and look at myself honestly, which is possibly the hardest thing to do.  It's easy to look at yourself and make a judgement call, but many times harder to look at your own motives.  That's only really something God can do.  So to figure out what's driving me I need to listen to what God has to say.  The irony is not lost on me.

But that's what Chambers said in the first place, to truly get rid of any doubt and worry I have to to fully to God.  Amazing how it all eventually finds its way back to Him anyways.

This whole post has really been me putting my raw thoughts into words and as I draw to the end of this post I get a feeling of discontinuity, obscurity, and disorganization.  But I guess that just honestly reflects how far I've come in asking myself this question.  Not far.  I'm still confused and lost as to why I've chosen the path I'm on.  However, my only consolation is that no matter what road I'm on, God's Will or My Plans, God is right next to me, and, if I trust in Him completely, He will lead me where He wants me to go as long as I am willing to listen.


Driving in the Dark(for now),
Joshua

Watching the Sun Set

"The gray sky stretches from horizon to horizon, blank, as light clouds cover the face of the sky.  Suddenly a jagged rip in the clouds reveals the sun, shining brightly at the end of the day.  Around the rip in the clouds it's a deep blue gray fading back to gray as it get's farther away from the sun.  As the horizon dips to meet the earth, the bottom of the clouds are set afire by the rays of the swiftly setting sun as it sinks beneath and behind the clouds covering the canopy of the sky.  And, as the sun dips below the horizon, the gray clouds are still dark and bleak while their undersides are covered in a blaze of pinks, reds, and oranges."

I just wrote that as I looked out the window over my shoulder.  Some days I don't learn some great revelation that will change how I live or find out some astounding truth about my God; some days I'm simply watching the sun set.  The sky simply lights up in an astounding display of colors that put so many 'beautiful' things to shame using only the sun and the clouds.  And that's exactly how I need it, if I was experiencing revelation every day I might either become insensitive to it by it becoming normative, or I might becoming numbed by the constant exposure to revelation.

Or am I being shown something right now?  In the middle of a this gorgeous light show something can be seen beyond the colors.  I see a message.  It's a message for me from someone who deals on a lot grander scale than just skies most of the time, he's busy moving the universe and changing hearts.  Yet sometimes he reaches out and touches the sky when I'm looking just to say, "I'm here, and this is from me."

Sometimes I'm so focused on changing now and I want results immediately.  It's somewhat like the sun lighting up the bottom of the clouds, I try to make a sunset that reaches the whole sky, but am only able to light up the underside of the clouds; the part of the sunset that is even blocked form view if there are any trees.  I feel like I'm not changing anything important, just the part you can't see.  Yet as time goes on and the sun sets farther, the light escapes the bottom of the clouds and starts slipping up them, reaching higher.  It's no longer bright, vibrant colors, but purples and dark violets.  I see change happening yet I get discouraged as it doesn't seem to be what I was expecting or wanting to happen.  If I turn away there, I wait for the next time a sunset starts and see if maybe then I can change.  However, as you keep watching, which takes time, you see the colors change.  The clouds give way before the light of the sun and the pinks, reds, and oranges light up the whole sky as the sun finally dips completely below the horizon.  The change in the sky is complete, from drab gray to a soft expanse of fading color.  The change in me can as complete if I wait on the Lord to complete it, but if I leave or look away, thinking it's taking too long or not seeing the change I want, then I miss out on the possibilities God has for me and the change he has planned in my life.

Well there we go, guess I am always learning after all.  And as the sunset ends it gets even more vivid for the last few minutes, well here's hoping that as what God's teaching me right now draws to a close I shine all the more brilliantly for Him.


Watching God's Color in My Life,
Joshua

Words of Power

It's amazing how incredibly powerful words on a page can be.  A book can change lives and hearts for the better or worse.  Recently I've read a book called Elantris by Brandon Sanderson.  The book is excellent and very much worth the read, but in particular a certain part stepped out to me.  A certain phrase actually.  So as to not spoil the book for those that haven't read it and might want to I will simply say the phrase.  It is spoke from one priest to another and the first asks the second, "What happened to your faith?"  This phrase by itself doesn't mean too much to me in the context where it is in the book, but for some reason it stood out to me.  Over the past few weeks I've been wrestling with this phrase as it keeps wandering back into my head, "What happened to your faith?"

After not wanting to confront it, God made it perfectly clear that I needed to address this simple question from the book I'd read.  I didn't, and still don't want to, examine it and ask myself those words, but a relentless God is impossible to say no to.

First off I am rational, probably my first fault.  I like examining things mentally and cross examining them until I come up with a logical conclusion.  To me my faith is entirely logical and for me to not believe would be like throwing rationality out the window.  Yet from this comes my first problem, stepping out in true faith is hard.  Now I step out in faith all the time but to me it's almost always a logical step.  And stepping out when I am uncertain of what's ahead or when I am unable to see the end is a nightmare for me.  In the beginning of my faith and belief in Christ, everything was an uncertainty and every step's end was hidden from sight; yet, I stepped out in faith and was willing to let God work in and through me.

But now I won't trust Him when He asks me to step out in true faith, blindly following His lead.  What happened to me?  It's only been three years since I was saved and a year and a half since I've truly given Him my life.  Where has my faith gone in such a short time?  Can it just disappear that quickly?  Apparently so.

The question roils around in my head even now, and, even better yet, what do I do now?

I still haven't answered that last question.  I have only decided to close my eyes and ask God to be the fire inside of me; because, without Him I will be lost in my own 'common sense' and reason.

Have I then found my faith?  My mind doesn't want to think so, because it sees nothing changed.  But my heart knows one thing, my heavenly father uses the weak and simple to lead the strong and wise, and He has a great plan for me despite my failings.  His power is made perfect in my weakness, but only when I recognize that I am weak.  And right now I am weak; finally humbling myself to allow Him the room to move in my life for the first time in quite a while.

These words will stick with me now as a constant reminder of my own brokenness and a check against my own pride.  These simple, yet powerful, words, "What happened to your faith?"


Battling Through the Hard Questions,
Joshua